What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

6.9 is my worst and least favorite number

That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period

What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?

The ICU.

Edited. (I see you)

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

What’s the least British thing in a British Museum?

The Exhibits

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma’am

We’re cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

1. Illegal Downloading

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite social media site?

TikTok!

At least little Johnny has manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher respon...

What is squirrels's least favourite month?

November

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

What is a dinosaurs least favorite Reindeer?

Comet.

TIL that sugar is the only word starting with “S” that’s pronounced “Sh”. At least, I’m pretty sure.

Total repost, just thought it was funny and people should see it again.

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jupiter

My daughter screeched, " Daaaaaad, have you listened to at least one word I've said !? "

what a strange way to start a conversation ...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

What is a zombies least favorite month?

Dismember. This was the first joke I’ve ever written!

I definitely think Trump will get at least 270.

But with parole and good behavior, it could be as little as 200.

What's a Ferengi's least favourite band?

The lost prophets

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret...

...so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite...

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal

The Lyin’ King

They say in every group of friends, there is at least one that has the potential to be a serial killer...

So just to be safe, I killed all of them.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say there’s at least one jerk in every group of friends...

But when my friends get in a circle there’s a hell of a lot more jerks

Purple is my least favourite color

I hate it much as red and blue combined.

What’s a schoolgirls least favourite thing about school?

They have 10 periods a day

I asked my friend about his least favourite type of meat

He said sausages.
And I replied yes, they are the wurst.

A friend recently told me that he can't go to sleep without at least 4 or 5 whiskey drinks and that he's afraid he may have a drinking problem.

I told him he should try to get a handle on it.

What shoes have the least friction?

Slippers

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member?

Aunt Tifa.

What is Jesus’s least favorite type of gun?

A nail gun.





Ohhh... that’s in bad taste.

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My least favorite sexual position is COVID-69

The masks really take the sensation away.

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the brightside of all the shit going down, at least Derek Chauvin will do fine in prison.

He is really good at getting on his knees and staying there.

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

What's Indiana Jones's least favorite band?

The Rolling Stones

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your asshole and COVID-19 have at least one thing in common...

The odds of you making a rushed visit to the hospital increases the more they're spread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub now requires users to watch at LEAST 10 minutes of MILF dwarf content before accessing anything else.

That's just a bare mini-mum.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

God wanted to make sure that every man would get sucked at least once in his life

So he created mosquitoes

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I entered 10 puns in the pun contest hoping at least 1 would win

But no pun in ten did.

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

Which side of a sheep has the least wool?

The inside.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

Quarantine would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't stuck in a room with my least favorite person.

I should get roommates.

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

I love reading the local newspaper. Just last week, they had a pun contest and I submitted 10 jokes, hoping that at least one of them would win.

However, no pun in ten did.

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan.

I think they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

What is a Pirates least favourite treasure to find?

A sunken chest with no booty.

What's the least likely profession for a trans person?

Mail man.

At least we know Kobe was a good dad

He wasn't a helicopter parent.

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If you're going to have sex with a frog, at least wear a condom.

If you want him to enjoy it, then rib it.

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

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My wife went into labour today and she said I was the least supportive person ever

"Push, come on darling, push, one last push," I shouted.

"Can we leave the park now and get to the fucking hospital!" She raged holding her stomach

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate

at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.

A joke my friend told me (long)

Two Texans are hanging out in hell. One day, the devil walks up and says, "why are you two not burning?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this feels great." So the devil goes and turns the heat wayyy up. There's no describing this heat. He returns to the Texans to find them still just hanging ou...

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What was Hitler's Least Favorite Martial Arts?

Jew Jitsu

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

The Test

A teacher has prepared a test for two of her students. One kid is very clever and the other kid is a bit slow, to say the least.

The test has 10 questions and the teacher sits both kids down in the classroom and gives them 45 minutes to complete the test.

Once completed by the students...

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.

Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down

Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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Do you know pigeons die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

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"Welcome to porn! Are you at least 18 years of age?"

*inhales cigarette*

"Always have been..."

What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?

John Wilkes Booth

Keep your friends at least 6 feet apart

... and your enemies closer.

*- Sun Tzu*

What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my job.

I can at least find the entrance to my job.

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

How many blond jokes are there?

~~About 7 billion worldwide.~~
About 1.5 million worldwide.


*Edited because I am a bit blonde.


[In my defense I had just woken up laughing from a dream in which I told that joke to myself and immediately logged in to post it here... before having my coffee. At least I am f...

Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian

It was the least I could do for the guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Truck driver

One a normal day of trip, truck driver realized that his brake system was busted, and he was going full speed. He knew, he had to stop the truck somehow.

So he decided to get off the road and crash into something

He looked right, there was little boy in an empty field, alone.

H...

What is Henry Cavill's least favourite game?

Portal

Edit: Thanks for the coin, kind redditor!

Thanks as well for the coin gift!

What's the difference between a Redditor and an egg?

you know the egg gets laid at least once

My brother died from standing on an old land mine.

At least he went out with a bang.

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Everyone deserves a nice, hard fucking....

At least, that's what I was brought up to believe.

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

An avid skydiver dies in a skydiving accident.

At the funeral a friend approaches the widow.

"It was a tragic accident" the friend says, "but at least he died doing something he loved."

"Not really" replied the widow.

"I thought he loved skydiving" replied the friend

"Oh, he loved skydiving" said the widow, "He hated...

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.



I don't know where I got this from, but I think it's funny so I'll just post it here.

At least anti-vaxxer parents won't have to worry about the coronavirus

Their kids already died from preventable diseases years ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Devil's Brew

A man is in a bar and ready to take a drink of his whiskey when a nun comes up to him and says, "Don't take that drink, that is the devil's brew"

The man says that the drink is just whiskey. He asks the nun if she has ever had a drink of whiskey before.

The nun said, 'Mother Superior t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you believe in genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through...

Attitude Adjustment

For her birthday, Jane received a fully-grown parrot as a gift. It was a brilliantly colored, with plumes of emerald green, sunset orange, ocean blue, and ruby red. But the parrot had a vocabulary worse than a sailor's. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

Old married couple eating a quiet 50th anniversary dinner

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

What was the least productive period of the USSR?

When their leader was Stalin for 30 years

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