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Least Jokes

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

What is a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Sir or Ma'am,


we are cutting your internet connection due to illegal downloading and copyright violations.


Sincerely, Internet Provider

What is your least favorite type of race?

Me personally I don't like marathons

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was voted “Least likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

What’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s least favorite kind of wine?

Aged.

Out of all businesses, I think the condom business is the least successful

They are killing their future customers

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?

Pe-Kahn!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

What is a pirates least favorite letter?

One from his manager saying he has been traded to the Mets.

what is the least spoken language in the world?

sign language.

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

What is a pirates least favorite workout?

Planks.
His favorite is chest day.

"Cell" and its derivatives (Cellular, Cellulose, Cellulite, etc.) are the only English words where the C is pronounced like an S.

At least, I'm pretty certain.

Why does Argentina have the least pollution?

Because they have Buenos Aíres

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

Password audit

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

What's the least diverse profession in the country?

Chief diversity officer

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

What is a squirrels least favorite time of year?

No Nut November….

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...

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Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle

draw the most interest.

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At least a thousand. Many hands make light work.

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

What's the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there's always at least one person at the top who's completely crazy, or who knows it's all a scam...

In a religion, that guy's dead!

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

Who’s the least popular fan at a match of the German football team Borussia Mönchengladbach?

The one who shouts, “Give us a B…”

Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It's the least I could do..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

What’s an epileptic’s least favorite side dish?

Seizure Salad.

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

What was Jesus' least favorite Elton John song?

"Take Me to the Pilate"

Q: What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

A: Comet.

I always wanted a super power, so I named my son Tran

I can’t quite turn invisible, but at least I’m transparent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They were a newlywed couple, just arriving from their honeymoon...

And the husband explained:

"These are the rules for our marriage. Mondays and Wednesdays are sports nights, we gather at a friend's house to watch TV. Tuesdays and Fridays are poker nights, where my friends since college usually play and relax a little.

Every Thursday, I go to my paren...

What's a Jedi's least favorite smell?

Odor 66

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three roommates were getting ready to go on dates

The first guy says, “Boys, my date’s name is Kissy, so I’m at least getting to make out with her tonight!”

The second guy says, “By that logic, I’m getting way more than that! My date’s name is Kitty, so I’m getting some pussy tonight!”

They both laughed until they saw the third roomma...

Madonna is lashing back at people who commented about her appearance on the Grammys.

At least I think it’s Madonna.

My dad got me a PacMan shaped cake for my birthday.

At least, that’s his explanation for the shape.

I sat my daughter down and told her she was my least favourite child...

...she laughed and said

"Of course I am, but I'm your only child!"

I replied

"No, you don't understand, I mean globally"

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What is Luke Skywalker's least favorite store

The second hand store

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Di...

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

my friend told me I always focus on the least exciting parts while telling a story

I was so surprised by his words I almost took a wrong turn and screwed up our escape from the police

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

I've been clean for 47 days now.

It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the heroin to get through it.

Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime

Teach a man to teach, and well, at least he knows how to fish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

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