Rather Jokes - 118 Hilarious Rather Jokes

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A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

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A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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An inexperienced young dude hooks up with a rather experienced MILF on Tinder...

They make out, when she says - hey, you ever had a 69? "No, what's that?", he replies. She says "let me show you", as she pulls down her undies and straddles his face, taking his dick in her mouth.

Few minutes into it, she's hot and bothered, and lets out the tiniest "feeeeeeeeepppp" fart war...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

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I was blessed with a rather large penis.

That's when my local priest was arrested.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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Which would you rather do:

A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or A: Have Alzheimer’s, or…

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I think I'd rather have Parkinson's than Dementia...

I'd rather lose half my beer than forget where I left it.

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his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

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A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the...

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A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art wat...

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Would you rather sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick?

Interviewer: We meant questions about the job

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

They say that King Louis XVI was rather melancholic as he was led to the guillotine

but it is known that after the execution, he was quite beside himself.

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I'd rather cuddle than have sex

*then

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

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Shaving your ass and going on a crusade are rather similar.

All you need to be successful is a sharp blade and unwavering faith.

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I would rather cuddle then have sex...

...You'll get it if you are good with grammar

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

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I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me

Than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

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Imagine people still calling it pound rather...

The #metoo movement would be such a weird to get behind...

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Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.

The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.

The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to...

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Why is the Jedi weapon a sabre rather than a trident?

Because for them there is no tri.

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When I was a kid a genie asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory

I forget what I chose.

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

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My bartender is rather forgetful

He can remember that my first name is "Al" just fine, but I have no idea how he keeps mixing up "Smith" with "Coholic".

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I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

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A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
...

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I think skiing is rather suspicious

>!Its i's are too close together!<

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I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

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Asked my wife "Would you rather...?

Me: Would you rather me get bit in the dick by a snake and the only way to save my dick is to give me blowies every single day for the rest of your life, OR have my dick just fall off?

Wife: I guess I would give you head....

**Serious question:** Does anyone know where I can find a...

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I would rather have Bill Cosby as President than Donald Trump..

because if America is gonna get fucked for 4 years I wanna be asleep when it happens.

What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?

A Melon Collie.

...I'll get my coat.

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I would rather be the child of a Storm Trooper, than one of a Jedi.

Because when I eventually leave the house, they would always miss me.

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Which sith lord prefers to cripple his opponents rather than kill them?

Darth Ritis

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I would rather breed mice than crows

Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.

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Death has come to collect Beethoven's soul and asked him if he would rather go to heaven or to hell. Beethoven replied:

*What?*

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Would you rather be blind or deaf?

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t see myself being blind.

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The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

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Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult.

I could never quite get the handle on it.

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Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

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Wife commented that I was getting rather chubby and round ....

I said, "No worries dear, I will bounce back"

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she gently steps with her high heels on the bar stool and plops herself on the bar top, crosses her legs, and seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently care...

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I'd rather have my orgasm denied than go off early...

Cuz hey, it's better than nuttin'

More than the lottery, I’d much rather win...

”Best Vest” at the Midwest best-dressed vest fest.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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Why is it better to be a redditor rather than a suicide bomber?

You are guaranteed to meet more virgins..

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

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Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

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A rather old one.

Two NFL coaches were looking a rosters when one of them came across an unusual name.

"Quasimodo? Why does that name ring a bell?"

His friend said, "He was at Notre Dame... a halfback."

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I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Two men are sat in a pub, both rather drunk.

One of the men fancies striking up a conversation with the bloke next to him, so he asks him "Hey pal, are you from around here?"

The second man responds "Aye, indeed I am. In fact I was born at St Mary's, just around the corner."

The first man replies with "well I'll damned! I was bo...

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I bought a universal remote today - and I'm rather dissatisfied...

It does not control the Universe. Not even remotely.

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I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

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Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?

A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

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I'd rather be in Prison than Married

there's more sex in prison, and it usually isn't a life sentence

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

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If I had to choose, I think I'd rather be a Vegetarian Vampire.

Beets the alternative.

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Would you rather eat a chicken leg or a shooting star?

You'd probably say the chicken, but I'd pick the star... it's a little meteor.

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A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth"

the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

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Would You Rather Wake Up A Billionaire, Or A Homeless Person?

Probably The Homeless Person. He can't kick you out!

Thank you, I'll be here all quarantine.

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The job interviewer asked me: "Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?"

I said, "I'd rather trade intelligence for intelligence."

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A rather bold robber...

Broke into the local police department and stole all of their toilets.
Cops report that they have nothing to go on.

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Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

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At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

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Would you rather eat a baby goat or a matur baby?

“What’s a matur baby?”

Nothing much, what’s a matter with you baby.

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The devil is rather bored. It's been a while since he's been up to some mischief...

So he picks a small countryside church to terrorize. He rolls in through the open door on a cloud of brimstone and dark lightning. The entire congregation scatters, save for the Pastor and an elderly farmer sitting in one corner chewing on a piece of straw. He is piqued, and wanders over to the farm...

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People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

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At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

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My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

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My first husband was a much better lover, the wife said after a rather disappointing sexual encounter.

Of course he was, the husband replied. He had a much younger wife.

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

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You might think the behavior of tweakers while they're dying is rather strange, but...

...there's a Meth O.D. to their madness.

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I have a rather unique talent. You can give me any girl's name and I know a song for that name.

Try me!

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I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

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I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa

Than screaming in terror like the passangers of the bus he was driving.

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What would you rather climb, a rope or stairs?

I prefer the ladder.

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As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

...than a frontal lobotomy.

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Rather reluctantly, a young couple took their son to the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked. Despite the embarrassment, they went on to explain that they were worried about the boys rather small penis and the impact it might have on his confidence growing up.

After examining the child, the doctor sat back and thought for a whil...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"

The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"

The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"

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In response to the invitation for a rather unusual REUNION of all time greats

* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov pos...

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My younger son asked my wife a rather interesting question...

Son: "Mom, am I the only one you gave birth to?"
Mom: "Yes, dear. You are the only one I gave birth to you.

......The others were at least a seven or an eight."

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I walked through the front door after work and our parrot said "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather peculiar.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess, and face covered in sweat.

"Everything ok?" she asked, flustered.

"Honey," I said, "I've got a question to ask you..."

"Yes! Sure!" she panicked, straightening her clothes, "What is it?"

I said...

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My art teacher has been rather homophobic lately...

She wants everything to be straight

You better read The Holy Bible rather than reddit jokes

Said a Jehovah's Witness to me while handing the book over. I tossed it back and said,

"Repost."

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A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

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There's a movie called The Rock that doesn't star The Rock, but rather Nicolas Cage.

If The Rock ever stars in a movie called Cage I fear this will only grow more confusing.

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town.

A bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see ...

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History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

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My wife said to me, "Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"

I said, "Yes."

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

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Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

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I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.

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Most disgusting "Would you rather.." ever

Would you rather - live for the next four years and have Hilary Clinton as President or Live for the next four years and have Donald Trump as President?

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So a man went up to a rather contemplative looking pimp...

... and asked "A penny for your thots?"

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I'd rather have Gabe Newell as President than Donald Trump.

That way, World War 3 would never be released.

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I would rather die in my sleep like my dad. . .

Instead of kicking and screaming like the three people in the car with him.

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A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

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I told my friend yesterday that her handbag looked rather ugly

I ensured her it was nothing purse-onal

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A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

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Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

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I've developed a new method of excercise that strengthens your fetishes rather than your body.

It's good in concept, but I haven't worked out there kinks yet.

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I would rather my boss scroll through my reddit feed than my girlfriend

But then again. The reason I'm on reddit is because I'm single and unemployed

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A priest asked me, "Who would you rather fight: God or me?"

I said God because the priest actually exists

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A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

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Learning to the play the guitar is rather simple.

You don't have to fret about it.

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