UPJOKE
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Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

I thought of a joke about capitalism.

But not all of you would get it.

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

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Have you heard the joke about Oedipus and Midas?

It's motherfucking gold.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

If you think your husband or wife is your best friend than think about this.

If you lock them and your dog in your trunk for 3 hours. Who do you think is going to be happy to see you when you open the trunk.

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

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They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

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Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

What do you call a group of people pretending they know what they are talking about?

Reddit.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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My wife complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…

I can feel it.

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

I complained about the temperature at work for a month...

And then one day a maintenance person showed me where the thermostat was and how to open it up, set temps, and diagnose basic issues... Told me not to set it below 70 for too long though or she'd lock me back out again. This work from home office staff is really rude.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's a nice bit of light reading.

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I went to the doctors about my ears

**Me:** Doctor, I have a hearing problem

**Doctor:** Can you describe the symptoms

**Me:** Homer is a fat, yellow bastard and Marge has blue hair

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

I don’t like to brag about the expensive trips I go on…..

….but I went to the gas station today.

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

The man claims he can stop whenever he wants.

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

They can watch their favourite movie over and over and over again without getting bored

I hate jokes about abortion.

There’s no delivery!

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

I think we should stop making jokes about fat people

They obviously have enough on their plate already

My wife is always insulting me about my lack of direction…

So I packed up my belongings and right.

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

Did you hear about the boy called “Dad”?

He was named after his father.

I'm worried about my deaf friend who glued his forefinger to his thumb.

But he says he's A-OK.

I wanted to make a Joke about USB

But you won't get it the first time.

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its...

Did you hear the bad news about r/eunuchs?

They're losing members every day.

What's the worst part about being an only child in Alabama?

Knowing that you'll always be single.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

I went into the bookshop and asked the woman for a book about turtles.

She asked: "Hardback?"

And I replied "Yeah, and little heads."

Ok guys. No jokes about Jesus on Easter...

**He's not the kind of guy you'd want to cross.**

I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium…

but I thought Na, people wouldn’t get it.

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I heard there was a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris

I couldn’t find it.

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

I feel the same way about lawyers as I do drug dealers

They’re all scumbags except mine.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He owned a warehouse

I have a ton of jokes about retired people.

None of them work.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

TIL About the ancient Greek hero Boephades

Like Achilles, he was invulnerable except for one part of his body. Except instead of his ankle, it was his groin.

You've heard of Achilles heel, but did you know about

Boephades nuts?

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Did you hear about that dating app for Lumberjacks?

Timber!

Did you hear the joke about the schizophrenic?

So did he.

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Long joke about dead pilots

Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….

“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”

“Yes, yes!!!”

“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”

...

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

Two men are talking whilst having beers, 'Call me old fashioned but I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married' he says 'What about you?'

'I'm not sure to be honest' says the friend ' What was her maiden name?'

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A man goes to his doctor for a penis enlargement. Doc says: "we can give you a 6"or 8" penis, but there's a difference of about $12,000." Man says: "Ok. let me discuss it with my wife."

Man goes back the next day and the doctor asks: "so what did you decide on, 6 or 8? The man says: "We're remodeling our kitchen."

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

I lost an argument about my posture

I stand corrected

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently." Puzzled, I asked...

"Is that one word or two?"

Have y'all heard about the movie, Constipation?

It never came out

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

What is similar about Christmas and tornado season?

You have a tree in your living room.

Did you hear about the woman who walked backwards into a desk fan?

Disassed 'er!

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

I was going to post a joke about time travel...

But nobody liked it.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

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You know the thing about a girl who does anal on the first date?

It’s easy to slide into her BM’s.

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper???

They devoted their life to SANTA!!

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

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I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

Did you hear about...

Did you hear about that guy they arrested at the park for measuring squirrels?

Yep, they got him for critter-sizing.

I confronted my housekeeper after she lied about servicing my house.

I just wanted her to come clean.

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

I was doing some research yesterday about the Dunning-Cougar effect.

It seems the more someone knows about a topic, the less likely they are to claim they know that much. Conversely, the less someone knows, the more likely they'll try to use that information to pick up an older woman in a bar.

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

I should really think about becoming a tightrope walker

Even the bank says my balance is outstanding!

Jokes about erectile dysfunction aren’t funny.

They can never be used in stand-up comedy.

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

A guy goes to a psychiatrist to see about his strange dreaming...

"doctor I'm dreaming everynight about a soccer tournament for ants. It's on everynight. They went though a group stage, a knockout phase and its the only thing I'm dreaming about the last week, it's driving me nuts."

so the doctor says: "well, that's easy, just take this medicine before going...

Did you hear about the man who had two left feet?

He went to the shoe shop and bought a pair of flip flips

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...

...got thrown out of the cemetery.

My wife left me because I kept making jokes about her going bald.

Well that’s hair loss

Did you hear the one about the sneaky pervert?

They never saw him coming.

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what's the hardest part about having sex with a monkey?

training it to suck your dick without peeling it

Did you hear about the dyslexic racist?

He hates gingers.

My wife and I were talking about obscure animals.

She said, "I want to get a manatee."


"That's very generous," I replied, "no cream, no sugar please hun!"

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Say what you want about Amber Heard...

She is the only one who gave a shit in this relationship.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

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the bitcoin crash won't be as bad as black friday

At least we don't have to worry about people who jump out of their basement windows.

Someone started talking about the American dream.

Then they ask the German kid if there was a German Dream. He said "We had one but no one liked it."

What's the sad thing about man-caves?

It's where all your cool stuff is, and where you can do whatever you want. Before Marriage we used to call it life, but then it became a room.

I finally sat down with my teenage daughter and had a chat about "The Birds and the Bees."

I learned a lot.

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble, One day he called Wibble and said, “What about running my bath Wibble.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?” said Wibble.

“Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“No Wibble,...

My mom asked about my dwarf girlfriend

-Do you plan to marry her?, She asked.
-No, I said, Im just looking for something short right now.

Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?

It was a knot-for-profit.

You know what they say about about wheelchairs

People can’t stand being in them

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Two 80 year old singles were talking about sex.

She asked him how often he had sex. He told her it was infrequently. She asked him, “Is that one word or two?”

It is not easy to come up with jokes about undelivered letters.

People just don’t get them.

Did you hear about the killer plant that got prescription lenses?

It could Suddenly Seymour.

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Before I started hormones I wasn't fussed about having boobs

But now they're growing on me

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

Did you hear the one about the man who drank varnish? It was a terrible end…

But he had a beautiful finish.

I'm really worried about this recession.

I fear that I may go bald.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?

In the end he decided he was going to stick it out for another year

63 and pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; ...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

What's the worst part about locking yourself out of your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

Did you hear about the guy sentenced to death by wood chipper?

He shall be mist.

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

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Did you hear about the guy who was in a rush while sexually assaulting an herb?

He came just in thyme.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blew things out of proportion.

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

I tried to make a Joke about the French army.

Well, I gave up.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

Before my abusive father left, he was really enthusiastic about vacuuming

He would always say "Whenever I look at your face I want you to Dyson"

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

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Two old winos were talking about the days when they pass...

1st wino says, "If I go first...will you pour some wine over my grave every day?"

2nd wino says, "Sure, you bet! But do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first??"

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

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It cost about 15 million

To shit in someone's bed.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

Did you hear about that fight at the laundromat?

I recon a washing machine beat the snot out of a handkerchief.

What do you call a depressing tale about a discontinued car?

A Saab Story.

You can say what you want about the open-mic hip-hop audience.

But, they really don't deserve the bad rap.

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

My friends and I always laugh about how bloody competitive we are...

I laugh the most

I forgot about Dre

I was supposed to pick him up at the airport.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They've been making headlines.

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