This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfucking gold.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

But 99% of you wouldn't get it...

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure”

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

When my dentist reminded me about my husband’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed and laughed about it for a while, but then it hit me....

We have different dentists...

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice.

Looking back...

It was a bad idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

5 things that no one cares about

1. Lists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about miss ,we're only 5 miles from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

'That would be straight down', he replies......

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds

I confronted him and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

I don't get what all the fuss is about. Giving up smoking is so easy!

I've done it hundreds of times.

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

Here’s Something weird about the English language

Nothing in the English language start with N and ends in G



Spoiler it’s a joke
Okay was not expecting so many people not to get it I know there’s lots of words I’m just saying the word nothing does

My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window...

...she said it was a little condescending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who had too much phone sex?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son to stop masturbating or else he'll go blind?

His son said, "Dad, I'm over here."

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?

They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

The zipper on my jeans came off just before I was about to get on the plane to go on vacation and the airline wouldn't board me.

They said I was on the no fly list.

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

What’s the worst thing about going down on your grandma

Hitting your head on the coffin

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys don’t think about sex every 7 seconds.

We think about it every 6.9 seconds.

Chester was really happy, he was about to meet the Queen.

He had been a physics prodigy hailing from a small town in England, and had just been selected to be Knighted by the Queen of England.

After the ceremony, his best friend remarked to him:
"Man, Chester, you Knighted!"

Did you hear about the knight who used to take his slain enemies' foreskins as trophies?

His name was Sir Cumcision

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

neither did he.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

What is the most beautiful part about Ms. Mathematics?

Ellipse




I apologise, this is my worst one in a while. I nearly killed 3 people.

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

I have a joke about an egg.

I'm gonna crack it soon.

Man Talking to God About Woman

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.


freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

Jokes about y = mx + c are great...

But at some point, you've got to draw the line

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I really wish people would stop talking about my problematic past.

It’s time to talk about my problematic future.

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

I was going to tell a joke about Kobe Bryant...

But I wasn't sure it would land well.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the orgy at the campground?

It was fucking in-tents

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

I wrote a poem about Saturn...

it's not very good, but it does have a ring to it.

People ask me how I feel about having never caught a heron

I tell them, "I have no egrets."

I heard a story about a man that went insane

He bought a new boomerang and kept trying to throw the old one away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War...

I always end up getting Stonewalled.

Have you heard the one about the statistician?

Probably

Buddy of mine was complaining about work, having a hard time dealing with his two aides.

I said tell me about it, I just got my third hepatitis.

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

I wrote down what I thought about mongolian poetry

It has its prose and its Khans

Did you hear about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

He lived . In fact he 0k now.

Did you hear the joke about the shield from Greek mythology?

I would think so, it's been around for aegis.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows lately?

Have you seen this, have you heard this?

They’re making headlines

Did you hear about the broke tailor?

He’s hanging on by a thread..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the medical student who wrote a porn novel?

It's called 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy.

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Did you hear about the psychosphrenic dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He spent all night debating the existence of dog with himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

I've just written a song about tortillas,

actually, it’s more of a rap.

My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I get a lot of compliments about my feet...

Some say they're legends!...

Leg. Ends.

I'll see myself out!

What's the best part about a glass of water?

The water.

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

My favourite joke about cake!

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the model that fucked a clown?

It was pretty fucking funny.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?

It’s a sore subject

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

I wrote a song about "sitting on the toilet for a pee, but while I'm here, I might as well have a poo"

It got to number two.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

What is it called when your professor teaches you about the mind?

A mental breakdown

Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes?

It was a Guinness world record.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

We've heard about the plastic eating bacteria:

Now it's time for the kardashians to hide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?

It's a period piece

I was talking to my wife about permanent mechanical fasteners

She was riveted

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

I was worried about my prostate exam

But luckily my doctor was kind enough to keep his hands on my shoulders the whole time to reassure me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to give a girl in a wheelchair a lap dance?

She wasn't feeling it.

Don't tell me that old joke about artificial gravity...

I'm not going to fall for it

So, I asked the blonde waitress, "Can I ask about the menu please?"

She screamed back, "The men I please is none of your business."

I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas

but it's too soon.

On my cake day a joke about cake...

A father is dying. All of his children stand around his bed. The smell of cake comes from the kitchen. The father says to Jan: "Please get me a piece of cake before I die..."

Jan goes and comes back straight away: "Mom said it was for after the funeral!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the woman who tried to solicit sex for spaghetti?

She got charged with Pastatution

What did the police say about the hair stylist turned super villain?

Their evil plans were dye-a-follicle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They finally released the porn film about men with a clock fetish

It's about fucking time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."


(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

I'm really worried about my brother's kleptomania condition.

I wish he'd take something for it.

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

Did you hear about the expose on the ammunition industry?

Yeah, it won a Bulletzer prize and everything!

Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?

You have to assemble it yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People say it’s frowned upon in society to talk poorly about the Jews..

They say its bad Jew Jew.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

Hear about the teacher with two lazy eyes?

Didn't last more then a day, couldn't control his pupils.

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

What did the phone say to the satalite during an argument about their relationship?

Your giving me mixed signals here

You hear about the nurse who left his uniform in his buddy’s car?

His scrubs were hanging out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

You know what they say about a guy with a big boat...

Big dock.

Did you guys hear about the italian cook ?

He pasta-way

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

Did you hear about the magician driving down a street?

He turned into a driveway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am really embarrassed about my penis size

But I really feel more sorry for my wife....she got the short end of the stick

Heard about the male escort with leprosy?

He did pretty good til his business dropped off

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.