The 111+ Best Longer Jokes

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

For my Wisconsin brethren (longer joke):

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think s...

My friend called me in tears because his favorite Swedish car manufacturer is no longer in business.

But I just wasn't interested in listening to his Saab story.

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.

He’s an exterminator

My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.

He said I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

Because of a spelling error, beer will no longer be served in Hell.

When they redid the sign over the gates they made it say "Abandon all hops, ye who enter here."

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other??

Irene

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m into boys and I’m into girls… but I’ve been single for so long I no longer think I’m bisexual

I’m officially all bi-myself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

Celine Dion just announced she will no longer sing...

Luckily her heart will go on.

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

Ever wonder why when geese fly in a "V" one side is longer than the other?

Its because one side has more geese.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

You know how this time of year birds fly south in those V shapes, but one side of V is longer than the other? Know why that is?

More birds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

Dolly Parton no longer speaks to her bra designer.

Not since the two fell out.

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth’s heir no longer will go by his given name?

That’s right. From now on he would like to be called “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

You know you're no longer in charge of your house....

....when the dog decides what time you wake up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

It’s sad that Saab no longer makes cars

What a Saab story

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

Once you throw a paper aeroplane it's no longer...

Stationery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you can no longer masturbate?

Easy cum, easy go...

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of cake makes you no longer have sex?

Wedding cake

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

My brother's doctor says he can no longer play video games, and he's taking it very hard

He's inconsolable

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

Me: "Doctor, what do I need to do to live longer?"

Doctor: "Get married."

Me: "Will that really help?"

Doctor: "NO, but it will seem a hell of a lot longer."

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

Vegans don't live longer

It just feels like they do

Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Why do Wives live longer?

Because they haven't got a wife.

I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets.

Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey everyone, as of today, I’m no longer an 18-year old virgin!

I’m a 19-year old virgin

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

Did you hear that they're not going to be making toothpicks any longer?

Turns out they're long enough as they are.

My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!

Trump's doctor says he is no longer a 'transmission risk'

Now he is a 'transmission opportunity'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am dreading the day when you no longer have to mask up in the supermarket.

Everyone will know I'm the cunt with the Tourettes

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

I wish I lasted longer in bed

Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I have graduated to doctorbater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today has been the best day of my life as I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!

I turned 31 today.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

So it turns out Trump can no longer screw the USA over

As he seems to have an electoral dysfunction.

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

Cleveland has announced their baseball team will no longer be called "The Indians". It's about time.

Now we can finally call them the Cleveland Steamers.

I no longer had a son after my daughter told me...

“Dad, I’m trans.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.