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Longer Jokes

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

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I am no longer a 28 year old virgin!

I am a 29 year old virgin.

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

Because of a spelling error, beer will no longer be served in Hell.



When they redid the sign over the gates they made it say "Abandon all hops, ye who enter here."

Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.

Celine Dion just announced she will no longer sing...

Luckily her heart will go on.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

How to make your life longer...

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said,

"We will all die someday, and none of us really know when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everyone s...

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69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

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I’m into boys and I’m into girls… but I’ve been single for so long I no longer think I’m bisexual

I’m officially all bi-myself

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

A blonde sits next to a professor on a plane

The flight gets longer and longer and the professor looks over at the blonde and makes a deal with her

They will tell eachother a riddle. If she can solve his she gets 500 dollars and if he can solve hers he gets only 5 dollars. The blonde feeling she has nothing to lose gives her riddle
<...

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

Dolly Parton no longer speaks to her bra designer.

Not since the two fell out.

You know how this time of year birds fly south in those V shapes, but one side of V is longer than the other? Know why that is?

More birds

Have you heard that Queen Elizabeth’s heir no longer will go by his given name?

That’s right. From now on he would like to be called “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

Go to health

A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.

(Not repost, searched and checked) "I no longer waste money on Diablo Immortal, I save it for the important things in life"

Like when I have to donate to my future wife on Twitch.

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

There were these two guys from Alabama ...

Who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada and they took off for up there.

The lakes were frozen nicely! So they stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. Bob looked at Ed and said, "We're going t...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

You know you're no longer in charge of your house....

....when the dog decides what time you wake up.

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What gets longer when you jerk it, fits between boobs, slides in a hole and loves to be pulled ?

A Seatbelt.

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Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

What's the difference between a centipede and a millipede?

The foreplay takes even longer.

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

An iguana can stay underwater for up to 28 minutes

Or longer, if you don't mind it dying

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

Stevie Wonder was doing a concert, and towards the end decided to play some requests.

A man called out, "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie played a short riff, but the man insisted: "No, no, play a jazz chord."

So Stevie played a longer riff: "No, no," said the man, "play a jazz chord."

Stevie tried again and again, until he was playing chords he'd never played in his life,...

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

A man went to his doctor

After several tests, the doctor returned to the exam room and told him "I'm terribly sorry sir but according to our tests you have barely a year left to live."

"That's horrible!" said the man. "Is there nothing I can do?!"


The doctor replied "Well, my advice is to become a vegan...

I was going to quit my passtime as a public flasher...

But I decided to stick it out a little longer.

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

Too bad Clifford grew so big and can no longer mate with other dogs...

He's grown too big for his b*tches.

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

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Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

There was a man who was in love with tractors

He really loved his tractors, he had tractor posters on his walls, dvds about tractors, he owned a lot of tractors…this man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors, his lovely wife. One day she was out in the fields and she got crushed by a tractor, she was squ...

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Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.

I just turned 41.

My flasher friend said he was thinking about retiring from the game

But I convinced him he should stick it out a bit longer

It’s sad that Saab no longer makes cars

What a Saab story

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

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I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: Let me stop you right there. There's no longer "I" or "You". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, "We" fucked your sister.

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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

Granny goes to the doctor.

She tells the doctor:
Look I have a big problem.
I have so SO much gas, thankfully it is not loud or smelly, but I need something about it.
Doctor said: Ok ask the pharmacist for this medication, take 1 pill each morning and come back in a week.

So the granny goes in a week lat...

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

What would happen if Snoop Dog joined the Fantastic Four

I don't know, but I do know that The Thing will no longer be the only one stoned

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

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What do you call it when you can no longer masturbate?

Easy cum, easy go...

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

What do you call a man with 1 leg longer than the other?

A snipers nightmare

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

My friends asked me what is the best and worst thing about catching COVID.

The worst is easy. Girls find me less attractive. Haven't gotten a second date since catching it.

The best is that my farts no longer smell.

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

When I was young, I was very poor.

After years of struggle, I'm no longer young.

Once you throw a paper aeroplane it's no longer...

Stationery

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

Confession

A teenage boy goes to church to confess his sins...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy?"

"Yes Father, it is," the boy replied.

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can’t tell you F...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

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A hitchhiker in the mountains

A guy is driving a serpentine road in Polish mountains. He sees a local waving at him to get a hitch, so he stops. The guy — a 2 metre tall, muscular guy pulls his ciupaga (shepherd’s axe) from his belt and growls:

— Masturbate!

The guy is confused, but he obliges and quickly completes...

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

A radio shock jock calls a prominent socialite a pig on his radio show and is sued for defamation . . .

He loses at trial and asks the judge "Does this means I can no longer call Mrs. Harris a pig?"

The judge replies "That's what it means"

The jock asks "Can I call a pig Mrs. Harris?"

The judge says "Yes, the First Amendment still allows that".

The jock turns to the plainti...

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his ...

Me: "Doctor, what do I need to do to live longer?"

Doctor: "Get married."

Me: "Will that really help?"

Doctor: "NO, but it will seem a hell of a lot longer."

So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.

Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

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