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Longer Jokes

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras
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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it
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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

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69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."
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Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.
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A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

Have you heard Elon Musk no longer owns Twitter?

He’s now the X owner
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What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.
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There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...
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What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.
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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year..

Because it’s officially ‘18
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Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”
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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

We've all seen geese flying in a V formation with one side being longer than the other. The question is: Why is one side longer?

There are more geese on that side.
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Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
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For my Wisconsin brethren (longer joke):

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think s...
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2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"
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My girlfriend broke up with me when I could no longer get an erection. But that's ok...

no hard feelings.
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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

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Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.

He’s an exterminator
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Apparently it’s no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I’m told it’s not pee sea.
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Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

Celine Dion just announced she will no longer sing...

Luckily her heart will go on.
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Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.
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I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.
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They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban
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I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen
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My friend called me in tears because his favorite Swedish car manufacturer is no longer in business.

But I just wasn't interested in listening to his Saab story.
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What do you call an Asian lady with one leg longer than the other??

Irene
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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.
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Because of a spelling error, beer will no longer be served in Hell.



When they redid the sign over the gates they made it say "Abandon all hops, ye who enter here."
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My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.

He said I’m not allowed to lift anything heavy.
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..
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Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.
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Dolly Parton no longer speaks to her bra designer.

Not since the two fell out.
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Vegans don't live longer

It just feels like they do
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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

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No longer will I go on Reddit!

This platform makes me more toxic and it keeps getting infected with alot of virgins, same with Facebook and any other social media platforms. Therefore I have chosen to just head outside in the open world and talk to people about their hobbies, why they are wearing what they are, and generally what...

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Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.
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You know you're no longer in charge of your house....

....when the dog decides what time you wake up.
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Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...
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Once you throw a paper aeroplane it's no longer...

Stationery
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Why do Wives live longer?

Because they haven't got a wife.
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What do you call it when you can no longer masturbate?

Easy cum, easy go...

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

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If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation

If you are over 40, it's no longer called masturbation.

It's called a system check.

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
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My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.
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What type of cake makes you no longer have sex?

Wedding cake

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm
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What's longer than a train?

Trrrrrraaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnn
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What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.
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I wish I lasted longer in bed

Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived
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Me: "Doctor, what do I need to do to live longer?"

Doctor: "Get married."

Me: "Will that really help?"

Doctor: "NO, but it will seem a hell of a lot longer."
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Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..
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Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.
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A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...
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Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.
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Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.
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Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.
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Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama....
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I’m into boys and I’m into girls… but I’ve been single for so long I no longer think I’m bisexual

I’m officially all bi-myself

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....
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One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.
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Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.
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Grandpa is no longer with us.

Grandpa: Your generation relies too much on technology.
Me: No YOUR generation relies too much on technology.
Me: \*Unplugs life support\*
Grandpa:
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Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me
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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.
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So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!
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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.
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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.
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The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets.

Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.
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If schools stay closed much longer

I’m worried we’re going to start seeing homeschool shootings soon.
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It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.
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I no longer eat club sandwiches

I quit cold turkey.
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What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.
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Clowns can no longer afford their ballons

because of inflation
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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Trump's doctor says he is no longer a 'transmission risk'

Now he is a 'transmission opportunity'.
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Buying My First Condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, th...

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...
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I no longer need to wear a mask

Now that I have my COVID 19 positive shirt people juts avoid being near me
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I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.
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Reddit no longer has to fear the Catholic Church!

Now that it has turned 14 the priests are no longer interested.
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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
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Did you hear that they're not going to be making toothpicks any longer?

Turns out they're long enough as they are.
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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...
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Ladies, do you want longer lashes?

Show a little skin in Saudi Arabia!
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My brother's doctor says he can no longer play video games, and he's taking it very hard

He's inconsolable
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“Doc, I’m no longer constopetid!”

Doctor: Do you mean constipated?

Man: No, I had a vowel movement.
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Are you a woman who wants longer lashes?

Try showing abit of ankle in saudi arabia
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When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.
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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

I no longer call it "heading to the shooting range".

Now it's "going out to yeet."
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Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.
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I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I have graduated to doctorbater.

I don't want my wife any longer.

Her height is perfect.
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My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar,

so I have to fill her slot.
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I no longer had a son after my daughter told me...

“Dad, I’m trans.”
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I wanted to write a skincare joke, but it just kept getting longer and longer, with more and more steps...

So I thought I'd just keep it pimple.
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Hey everyone, as of today, I’m no longer an 18-year old virgin!

I’m a 19-year old virgin

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...
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In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."
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