UPJOKE
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69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

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Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

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Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.

I just turned 41.

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

Too bad Clifford grew so big and can no longer mate with other dogs...

He's grown too big for his b*tches.

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it’s not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

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What do you call it when you can no longer masturbate?

Easy cum, easy go...

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

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I’m reluctant to tell my girlfriend that I’m no longer going to participate in her weird sex fetishes…

….but I really need to get this shit off my chest

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

Even though I no longer smoke pot...

I like hanging out with friends who do....

They always have the best snacks.

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Longer Each Day

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day. He was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressin...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

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A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

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It doesn't matter how much mascara I put on my penis...

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health?

It’s a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"

G...

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just...

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I HATE cutting my nails.

Wife: Why?

Husband: Because then it takes even longer to file them.

Wife: I just put mine in a pile.

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

Once you throw a paper aeroplane it's no longer...

Stationery

I've got a secret to reveal, guys. I don't think I can be a drug smuggler any longer.

I've kept it inside for so long.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

I got bad news from my Doctor

He told me I have 6 months to live and should give up wine, women and weed.

I asked if that would make me live longer.

He said no, but it will seem like it.

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets.

Instead, to deter speeders, they are giving away Cubs tickets.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

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Do you know why a pop song must be 3 minutes?

Not even pop fans can listen to that crap for longer

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

My friend said that vodka makes you last longer in bed. Well, he sure wasn't wrong.

I drank a pint of the stuff and the next day I was in bed for eighteen hours.

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

I just changed my name and cut my hair!

I am no longer Harry

Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...

...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

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Black.

A white man in his thirties decides he has put on too much weight during lockdown so he joins the local gym, he arrives for his first session, only to find that the rest of the group are big, muscular black guys, after a bit of gentle ribbing, they show him how to use the equipment and help him comp...

What do you call a Magician who has lost his magic?

ian

Me: "Doctor, what do I need to do to live longer?"

Doctor: "Get married."

Me: "Will that really help?"

Doctor: "NO, but it will seem a hell of a lot longer."

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Why do Wives live longer?

Because they haven't got a wife.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

I wish I lasted longer in bed

Right now I'm feeling so sleep deprived

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

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Hey everyone, as of today, I’m no longer an 18-year old virgin!

I’m a 19-year old virgin

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

My wife came home and told me her gynecologist recognized her at the supermarket ...

I suggested she start wearing longer skirts.

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With our love life no longer feeling passionate, I asked my wife to go camping

It helped. The sex was in tents.

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"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

For Christmas my dad came out as a woman

I can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent

The Magic Slide

Once upon a time, there was a magic slide that resided in a magical forest. If you shouted something while sliding down, you would land in a pile of whatever you had shouted.

One day, a man found the slide. As he slid down, he shouted "Gold!" and landed in a pile of gold.

Another man f...

How did she know?

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests. For once, they'denjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really out...

I really love animals.

Unfortunately, I’m no longer allowed within 500 feet of a petting zoo… or a taxidermist.

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What type of cake makes you no longer have sex?

Wedding cake

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

An 80-year-old farmer walks into a bar.

"Remember a few years back when my wife died?" he asks the bartender.

"Yes," the bartender says sadly.

"Well," the farmer continues, "now I am no longer a widower! Yesterday, I married a 21-year-old woman."

The bartender knows that a 21-year-old woman will not be very happy with...

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A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

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I am dreading the day when you no longer have to mask up in the supermarket.

Everyone will know I'm the cunt with the Tourettes

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...

Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.

I used to be young and broke

And then after many long years of hard work and struggle, I’m no longer young!

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

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I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: There's no longer "I" "You" or "Me". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, We fucked your sister.

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I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I have graduated to doctorbater.

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