When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.

She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed.
I didn't move.

"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.

"Watching it all unfold," I said.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

In Prison Why is The White Guy Scarier Than The Black Guy?

Because the White Guy did it

What is even sadder than a funeral?

An eral. It is like a funeral but with no fun.

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is worse than finding a penis drawn on your face?

Figuring out it was traced.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?

Magnets

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Doctors are not smarter than engineers...

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Your Uncle.

Wanna know what's more useless than your life?

Reddit Green dot update.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's nothing better than suprise wake-up sex...

Unless you're in prison.

What is a cheaper alternative that is better than the original product?

A divorce lawyer

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Being a masochist, I like nothing better than starting the day with a freezing cold shower.

So I have a hot one.

What's something that 99.9% of people are better than FDR at?

Stand-up comedy

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often.

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food decreases sex drive more than any other?

Wedding cake.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?

He always had a hunch.

What's more fun than a vegan at a BBQ?

Anything. Literally anything.

"I wanna be more than friends"

So you wanna be COUSINS?

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple.

What do you call an Italian moose with one leg shorter than the others?

Moose so leany.

What's better than a good, cheesy joke?

A grated cheesy joke !

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

My city just authorized yet another landfill, when the ones we already have will be more than enough for decades.

That space of waste is a waste of space.

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

What's better than Ted Danson?

Ted singin and dancin.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

Do you know why the communist takeover of russia lasted more than a year?

It took more than one revolution.

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out."

"Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."

They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

When geese fly in their "V" formation, do you know why one side of the "V" is longer than the other side?

Because there are more geese on that one side.

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

What’s better than pain?

Pain au chocolat

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

There are two types of people in this world: Those who are smarter than the dumbest person alive...

and you

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

The average fox can jump higher than a house.

This is in part due to their powerful hind legs, but mainly because houses can't jump.

Credit: u/Ineedabarfbag saw in a comment

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

What's better than a tuna sandwich?

A three-na sandwich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is one thing worse than pissing your pants in public.

And that is pissing someone else's pants in public.

What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check?

A pardon.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m a nurse at a local hospital, and I’ve had the sickening realisation I’ve wrapped more bodies than presents this year...

but hey, a fuck is a fuck, right?

What's the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not having any potatoes to eat!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He than looks to see...

if the lion is still chasing them and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Why did the genetically modified chicken taste better than the regular one?

It was CRISPR!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

NSFW What's worse than finger banging your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than seeing your mother in a porno?

Seeing you mother in a pregnant porno.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is golf better than sex?

The fewer the strokes, the better you are.

What's worse to step on in the middle of the night than a lego

A landmine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

The only thing more useless than a refridgerator in the Arctic

Is reddit karma.

What do you even do with it?

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

Why are lights in a series more loyal than lights in parallel?

If one goes down in a series, they all go down with it.

A man receives a message from a neighbour.

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day ...

Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees!

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

Chickens are stronger than humans.

Don't believe me? Let's see you pick up a piece of corn with your pecker.

There are more important things in life than money

But they won't go out with you if you don't have any

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

What number is higher than infinity?

420

A guy asked me if I could name a better prog-rock band than RUSH.

I said Yes.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife bought one of those wireless bras, she said it's much better than her old wired ones

But she's full of shit cause i can't get the bloody thing to connect to the WiFi.

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

A farm boy arrives late for school one day.

"Why are you late?" asks the teacher.

"I had to take the bull down to the field to mate with the cow," explains the boy.

"Couldn't your dad have done that?" asks the teacher.

"He could have," replies the boy. "But I think the bull did a better job than he would have done."

More syllables than I'm comfortable with...

What does an agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia do?
























Stays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

I have always head that Canadians are nicer than most other people...

... that’s not really Trudeau.

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 60 year old woman have between her breasts than an 18 year old woman does not?

Her bellybutton.

Whats cooler than OnlyFans?

Only Air Conditioners

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because ...

because they are more certain they are their own.





—ARISTOTLE

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting a...

What’s better than a cake day on Reddit?

Damned if any of us losers know.

What is better than being a night drunk?

A day drunk.

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man talks to a cockroach...

A man says to a cockroach: "My penis is 10 times your body length."

Cockroach replies: "And yet I can make your wife scream 10 times louder than you can..."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.