UPJOKE
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What's worse than Ants in your pants?

Uncles.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

What is something that is yours, but others use more than you?

A joke on this subreddit.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

What worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

did you know light travels faster than sound?

That's why people look bright until they talk

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding half a worm

The stomach is smarter than the brain.

Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.

What's smarter than the average bear?

About half of all bears.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

What’s worse than 3 babies in 1 garbage can?

1 baby in 3 garbage cans!

I look more like my mother than my father.

He doesn't look like her at all.

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever

Where else can you get gas for $1.19?

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught

His name was Jeffrey Smahter

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

What's better than a Gold medal at the Paralympics

Two legs

What is more East than East?

Easter

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What’s worse than waking up and seeing a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

How can a flea jump higher than the Empire State Building?

The Empire State Building can't jump.

Most people can jump higher than an average European house.

This is mostly due the fact that average European houses can't jump at all.

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

What’s better than Ted Danson?

Ted singing and Danson!

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Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

Everything is easier said than done.

Unless it’s Worcestershire sauce.

I can't stand homeless people

Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

I have come to realize that all my exes in Archaeology class are doing better than me

They just seem to have a natural ability to dig up the past.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

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Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys.

Especially considering Mules only do a half Ass job.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram....

I was like, 0mg.

Did you know a piranha can devour a small child in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways.. I just lost my job at the aquarium today.

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

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A recent study has shown that men are more likely to procrastinate than women

except when it comes to orgasming


-credit Norm Macdonald SNL 1997

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

I'm beginning to think I know more about healthcare than my doctor and his ignorance scares me.

He recommended radiotherapy even though I'm deaf.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

What’s worse than a box of spiders?

A box that was meant to be full of spiders.

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Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get 8 more.

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

I would rather be the child of a Storm Trooper, than one of a Jedi.

Because when I eventually leave the house, they would always miss me.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

A man wishes on a genie, that every day for the next 3 months be better than the last.

so the genie breaks his arm.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves ...

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He approaches the bar tender and says "I bet you a drink that it can play any instrument."

The bartender agrees and walks behind the bar returning with a trumpet.

The octopus examines the instrument for a minute and suddenly begins playing the instrument as good or better than Miles Da...

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Why do men seem to get away with their sexual promiscuity so much more than women do?

Men's underwear covers their asses

A bad day at the dentist is better than a bad day at the airport.

Because a search for cavities sure beats a cavity search.

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

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Women are like condoms

They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others?

Mussolini

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

As a metallurgist, I find it a lot easier to work with metal than people.

When I hit metal, it does what I want.

Why do Germans like sauerkraut and beer much more than they like Vladimir Putin?

Because sauerkraut gives them gas.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

Why is a stock market crash worse than a divorce?

Because you lose half of your money but your wife is still there

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

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My friend is a stripper, I'm a warehouse associate. She asked how her job is any different than mine if we both use our bodies.

I said "well it's simple really; I grind metal and you grind wood."

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What do you call a weatherman with a larger-than-average penis?

A Meatier-ologist

Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

Two Canadians

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Sat...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Why is the Jedi weapon a sabre rather than a trident?

Because for them there is no tri.

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

Why are there more Chuck Norris jokes than Bruce Lee jokes?

Because Bruce Lee is not a joke

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Who's rooting for the Bengals to win the superbowl more than anyone?

Jared Goff.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 times more than anyone else that night

the bartender says "wow, that's an order of magnitude"

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer...

What has worse ratings than my Tinder account?

CNN

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

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What's worse than a registered sex offender

An unregistered sex offender

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

Why are Chernobyl residents smarter than the average person?

Because 2 heads are better than one.

Scientists say Hydrostatic pressure from scuba diving is more harmful than previously known.

It just feels like something we all knew deep down.

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