UPJOKE
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Than Jokes

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

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What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

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Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

A shark could swim faster than me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would be all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What’s worse than finding out Santa isn’t real as a kid?

Finding out your parents are broke.

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

I bet a guy $50 that I could jump higher than a house.

So we went outside and stood by a house. Mustering all my strength, I managed to jump about 18 inches off the ground.

"Ha! Is that as high as you can jump?"

"Hold on, let's see how high the house jumps."

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

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Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

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Why is golf better than sex?

It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

Who did Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

What's worst than to find a worm in the apple you are eating?

Find half a worm.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me.

When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

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More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

If women want a guy who is taller than them...

why do they care if he has hair on top of his head?

What is worse than a serial killer

A parallel killer, who kills multiple people at once, instead of one at a time

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

I think I'd rather have Parkinson's than Dementia...

I'd rather lose half my beer than forget where I left it.

Who would be worse than Captain obvious?

Doctor Obvious

They say cows kill more people than sharks.

I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

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What has more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than having a small penis?

Nothing. Sorry if you clicked on this to make yourself feel better.

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

You know what’s hotter than smoking?

The radiation that follows it

Some animals are more equal than others..

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the m...

TIL: Scientists have discovered that tuna ages about five times quicker than humans.

That’s because..tuna half hours equal 150 minutes.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

Why is leather armour better for sneaking than steel armour?

Leather armour is made of hide.

Elevators are more complex than you think.

They work on so many levels.

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