As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

What's worse than Ants in your Pants?

Uncles

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they chnge theirs more often

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

This joke.

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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Why is golf better than sex?

The fewer the strokes, the better you are.

Men are generally smarter than women, while women are more talkative

That’s because men have two heads and women have 4 lips.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

What's worse to step on in the middle of the night than a lego

A landmine

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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What has more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

NSFW What's worse than finger banging your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring there

"I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth filled" said the young woman nervously to the dentist

"fine by me " replied the dentist " Let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

Light travels faster than sound.

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What number is higher than infinity?

420

A guy asked me if I could name a better prog-rock band than RUSH.

I said Yes.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 60 year old woman have between her breasts than an 18 year old woman does not?

Her bellybutton.

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because ...

because they are more certain they are their own.





—ARISTOTLE

I have always head that Canadians are nicer than most other people...

... that’s not really Trudeau.

When you see geese flying in a V, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

That side has more geese.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the only thing worst than constant advertisements?

You’ll find out right after these messages..

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

What’s better than a cake day on Reddit?

Damned if any of us losers know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most married couples would rather eat a good meal at a restaurant than have sex

Because it might disturb the people at the other tables

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Butter late than never

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

Since I haven't cut my hair since the lockdowns, I told my wife, "My hair is longer than my johnson."

She said, "that's not saying much."

Whats cooler than OnlyFans?

Only Air Conditioners

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

There is no better feeling than laying next to the person you love

And they dont know you love them, or that you’re in their house again

Danson is better than Cruz in every way.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

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What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Being mercilessly beaten over the head by a large mob.

Actions speak louder than words

And the deaf took it seriously

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I started babysitting to make some extra cash and it’s a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be...

I’ve been sitting on this baby for the last hour and a half and it hasn’t made a sound.

If you ever need a friend, look no further than trees.

They wood never leaf you and always stick together.

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

What makes one day a year on Reddit better than all the rest?

Appease of cake

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

My grandpa hated people with less than 5 toes on each foot

He was lactose intolerant

Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

"We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here," said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

What's denser than a neutron star?

A Flat Earther

What kind of dog can jump higher than a house?

Any dog. Houses can't jump.

Show me someone who enjoys procrastinating more than me.

I'll wait.

What's more torturing than Chinese Water Torture?

Nevada counting the votes.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I've been told I can eat more pastries than anyone else.

Well, if the choux fits...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?

Cramming for the final.

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns?

Because their clothes are mass produced...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out using ad block pisses off more people than I originally thought.

None of the hot singles in my area wanted to have sex with me after I installed it.

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

I'm not saying I'm racist, I'm just saying one race is better than another

The 100m dash is a lot better than the 400m. The 110m hurdles are also good

In Canada, You're More Likely to Die from a Moose than a Terrorist Attack

Those damn moose limbs...

Boy: Why are girls so much hotter than boys?

Girl: Coz boys have two 5watt bulbs and one 40watt tube, whereas girls have two 500watt bulbs and one 3000watt oven.

Hey y'all, I tried my best to convert this from Hindi to English.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

Do you know whats better than 69?

88...because you get 8 twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son is faster than himself.

He shits his pants before he could even remove them.

What's longer than a train?

Trrrrrraaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnn

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Machiavelli once said, "It is better to be feared than loved"

And that, your honor, is why I killed our dog in front of my children.

I’m pretty sure wish Is the only place where you can order something that’s worth more than you paid.

For example, I bought a bottle of wine off wish for £20 (it was made that very same year). By the time it arrived it was now 30 years old and was worth £2000.

Wish delivery times amirite?

What sentence turns people on way more than it should?

"The kids are asleep."

We are more than friends now!

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, s...

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

A scientist named Berade cloned himself 76 times. Because of a mutation, the clones were all much more muscular than the real Berade.

One day one of the clones said to his 75 fellow clones, "I'm tired of that weakling bossing us around! He's treating us like servants just because he created us!"

So the clones all picked up Berade and threw him into a pigpen. When Berade landed, a hornet's nest was dislodged, and the hornets...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant~~

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.~~

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

T...

For fear of a fate worse than death, don't look back.

Because hindsight is always 2020

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

The sunglasses I ordered were much darker than advertised.

I blame a lack of transparency

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

Why do women live so much longer than men?

Because they're not married to women.

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

The only thing Trump has bankrupted more than his businesses is

Half the the country's morals.

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

What's a piece of lingerie that reveals more skin than the wearer consciously desired to show?

A Freudian slip.

If you enjoy nascar than your probably a racist, however, if you hate nascar than you are literally a racist.

Because you hate races

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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