The 123+ Best Than Jokes

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..

But that's really comparing Apple to oranges

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

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What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

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There are only two types of people worse than racists

The blacks and the jews

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?

You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

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Why is hotel sex so much better than sex at home?

You can be loud if you want, make a mess, your spouse isn't there....

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

I bet a guy $50 that I could jump higher than a house.

So we went outside and stood by a house. Mustering all my strength, I managed to jump about 18 inches off the ground.

"Ha! Is that as high as you can jump?"

"Hold on, let's see how high the house jumps."

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.

There stood her date.

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?

They have no Seoul .

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

What is faster than a calculator?

A Calcu-now.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

A shark could swim faster than me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would be all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

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Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

What's worst than to find a worm in the apple you are eating?

Find half a worm.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

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Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

Whats better than roses on a piano?

tulips on an organ...

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The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

Why is Covid better than Southwest?

Because it’s airborne.

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

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Why is golf better than sex?

It lasts for hours and there's 18 different holes.

If women want a guy who is taller than them...

why do they care if he has hair on top of his head?

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism?

Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

What is worse than a serial killer

A parallel killer, who kills multiple people at once, instead of one at a time

Bartender says "we don't serve particles moving faster than the speed of light"

A tachyon walks into a war

What's better than licking a Mandarin?

Licking Amanda out.

Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car?

It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

Who would be worse than Captain obvious?

Doctor Obvious

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Why do tampons think they're better than pads

Because they're stuck up cunts

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second one.

A father sees that his 6th son looks different than his others

Dad: "Did you have an affair"!?

Mom: "yes"

Dad: "WHO'S THE FATHER TO THE 6TH"!?

Mom: "You are"

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