Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.

Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

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Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

I finally listened to my mom, and took the road less traveled.

I totally missed all the signs about the freeway still being under construction.

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less." "Less?" I've never heard of it," the bartender replies. "Is it a foreign drink or something?" "I don't have any idea," the guy says. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should try drinking Less."

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending.

(Condescending means talking down to people btw )

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

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Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

Where do you find a leg-less turtle?

Wherever you left it!

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

How do you milk sheep?

Release new iPhone with less accessories

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.

What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

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Spying on the Wife

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less th...

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

The man enters the bedroom seemingly...

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

say less...

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you America...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

My current girlfriend is anorexic

I’m seeing less and less of her

Brian is hired to paint lines on the road

The first day Brian paints 2 km of the road, and the boss is very impressed.

The second day he paints 1 km of road, the boss is wondering why it's less than the day before, but gives him a chance.

The third day he only paints 500 m of road and the boss is not happy, but he is a forgivi...

In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.

However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

What do you call 500 Native Americans with no apples?

The Indian Apple-less 500.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

Why did the guy who never crashed his car get pulled over?

Wreck-less driving

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

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Why did the eyewitness arrive to trial with one less testicle and a bag full of cash?

They were told to give teste-money

I'm trying to work on being less condescending.

(Condescending means treating people like they have less intelligence than yourself)

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

The more bleach you drink, the less likely it is you'll die from Covid.

Might die from organ failure though.

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Of Ted

Me, Ted and the rest of the homies would meet every week no matter what and game at each other's house.

However as the weeks passed by, Ted became less excited about these sessions. It turned out that he had gotten himself hooked to smoking. It got so bad to the point whereby he even made ex...

Why is there less air travel on Tuesdays?

Because you're supposed Tuesday on the ground.

What's blue but weighs less?

Light blue.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew tumed up
to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5.year.old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, more or...

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

My chemistry professor once asked the class if it was a good or bad thing that ice is less dense than water?

I said "It wasn't good for the Titanic."

Coronavirus has finally made me less racist

Now I also cross the street when a white person approaches me on the sidewalk

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

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My wife has a moto: "If it takes less than 5 minutes, I will do it now."

We have sex constantly.

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

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A cowboy walks into a bar.

He tips his hat to the bartender and sits at a booth in the corner.

A minute later, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk in and sit at a table.

Thirty seconds pass and a nun with a bullwhip leads an alligator on a leash to the cowboy’s booth.

Less than a minute goes by and a m...

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

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Surprise!

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.” After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. ...

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can’t find that brand

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

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Three men are on a train

One is Chinese, one is American, and the last one is an Indian businessman. A fly came into their compartment and landed on the Chinese guy. He goes into his pocket, pulls out a pair of chopsticks, grabs the fly and eats it. The American guy is horrified and looks at the Indian, who couldn’t care le...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims, they went through more than 50 stories in less than 10 seconds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man have to pay less for porn

Family discount

Customer service vents

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service at a store today, I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So t...

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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