I'm going to work on being less condescending.

Condescending means to talk down to people.

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

It’s true women do make less money than men.

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Where women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

Ugh, it's so annoying. I could care less...

...about using the term "I could care less" properly.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

My friend hates people with less toes...

My friend hates people with 9 or less toes. He is lacktoes intolerant.

Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.

Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

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Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

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I just installed a bidet

Now I can care less about the shits I give

Statistician joke...

Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?


Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

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I did Nazi that coming

#

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

I finally listened to my mom, and took the road less traveled.

I totally missed all the signs about the freeway still being under construction.

IT'S HAPPENING!! We're heading back in time

Last year was 2020 and again in less than 2 months it's gonna be 2022

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less." "Less?" I've never heard of it," the bartender replies. "Is it a foreign drink or something?" "I don't have any idea," the guy says. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should try drinking Less."

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

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A young man turns 18

His uncle offers to take him to the local brothel for his birthday. The young man happily agrees hoping to finally lose his virginity.

They show up at the brothel and the young man is brought back to a private room by a very beautiful woman.

Woman: “You can undress and lay on the bed...

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending.

(Condescending means talking down to people btw )

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

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Sex and happiness

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.



After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy s...

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, owned a cattle ranch,

Unfortunately, their bull died. They needed to purchase a new one, but they only had $500. The brunette said she'd go to the nearest town to see if she could buy a bull for less than $500. She told her sister that if she could find one, she'd send a telegram to tell her to come in the truck to pick ...

What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Where do you find a leg-less turtle?

Wherever you left it!

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Good news! This month your wife will nag you less

Nothing related to astrology....

Because this month has only 28 days

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Bad Bestie?

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"

"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"

"Oh NO! I just said that th...

My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

Did you hear what happened to the Bald King who couldn't sire any sons?

He died *heir*-less.

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.

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Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Costco that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short...

What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.

Old man gets bad news from his doctor, he has only months to live

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them "for my last wish I want a license to practice law. I don't care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license. "

They are very puzzled b...

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

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A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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Hand Grenade Sale

One day a man was walking down the street with his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend.

As they were walking they happened upon a flea market, with tons of booths setup selling all kinds of goods. Each booth had a sign above with the items they were selling.

Hand made blankets 2 for 10$...

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Animals built an outhouse

Forest animals decided, that they don't like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting, where they were ...

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.


My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

How do you milk sheep?

Release new iPhone with less accessories

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Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

What's blue but weighs less?

Light blue.

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

My grandpa hated people with less than 5 toes on each foot

He was lactose intolerant

My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.

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Why did the eyewitness arrive to trial with one less testicle and a bag full of cash?

They were told to give teste-money

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

The more bleach you drink, the less likely it is you'll die from Covid.

Might die from organ failure though.

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

Why is there less air travel on Tuesdays?

Because you're supposed Tuesday on the ground.

A drunk guy once ran out of wine and saw a church

So he decided he would ask a priest for some, but to appear less suspicious that he was drunk, he stood up straight and walked in. He saw a priest reading a bible, approached him and politely said, "Hello Father, may I please have some wine? I will surely pay you back tomorrow." And the priest looke...

TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.

Coronavirus has finally made me less racist

Now I also cross the street when a white person approaches me on the sidewalk

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

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My wife has a moto: "If it takes less than 5 minutes, I will do it now."

We have sex constantly.

< Hell Around The World >



A man from Russia dies and goes to Hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell
for each country. He goes first to the German Hell and asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

My chemistry professor once asked the class if it was a good or bad thing that ice is less dense than water?

I said "It wasn't good for the Titanic."

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely ...

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you America...

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can’t find that brand

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

say less...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

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