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Less Jokes

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...
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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.
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I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg
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Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
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Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
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My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
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Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
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For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.
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So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
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Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days
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Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're ...

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.
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What weighs less: A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Butane because it’s a lighter fluid
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My father always told me to take the road less travelled

I always thought he was giving me life advice but it turns out he was giving me drunk driving advice.
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So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity
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What weighs less than the color blue?

Light blue
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I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!
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In what state are babies less annoying?

Liquid
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If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.
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Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.
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Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."
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Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.
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When is a group of horses less than a whole horse?

When it’s three Quarter Horses.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do restaurants try to spend less on butter?

They have to watch their margarines.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia
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I won't stand for people with less than 10 digits on their feet.

I'm lack toes intolerant.
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Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.
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I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
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Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.
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Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.
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What happens when a Jewish person becomes less basic?

They become more Hasidic!
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What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.
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Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.
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Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experienced vs Less Experienced Nurse Discussion

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...
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*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.
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Finally got out of jail. Less than 10 minutes after gettin home, me and the wife jumped straight into bed to do some serious catching up....

Wife: "hey.... erm.... ya know..... I... I've been with other men ya know?"

Me: "Ohhhh, ok. Well same here, turn over"
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The less I rely on homeopathic medicine, the better off I am

I guess it works.
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A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak
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My wife demanded I had something that went 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway for here birthday.

She woke up to find a scale.
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So I used to love watching football in Egypt when I visit my friends in Morocco, but I’ve been understanding it less and less.

The games keep getting more confusing, it usually goes like: Mohamed passes to Mohamed, and he runs up then passes it to Mohamed, but then Mohamed intercepted the ball. Mohamed is now running up the field and passes it to Mohamed, and Mohamed shoots, but the goalie Mohamed blocks the shot. Then Moha...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*
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A study shows that jump scares are becoming less and less popular.

Well, I'm not surprised.
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There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.
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Where do you find a leg-less turtle?

Wherever you left it!
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MORE IS LESS

Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it?

A. “Short” (add +”er”)!
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What’s less than 150 meters and manmade, but can still be seen from space?

The international space station.
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Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.
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What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.
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Coronavirus has finally made me less racist

Now I also cross the street when a white person approaches me on the sidewalk
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Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation
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My new year's resolution is to do less drugs

No wait, _fewer_ drugs—it's to do fewer drugs
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My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
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My new year’s resolution is I’m gonna be less condescending.

(Condescending means talking down to people btw )
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What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.
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Have you heard about the man who invented a bell-less belfry?

The invention was so great, he won a no-bell prize.
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Why is there less air travel on Tuesdays?

Because you're supposed Tuesday on the ground.
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My wife tried to order contact-less delivery.

But I guess that's not how having a baby works.
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What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter
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What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds
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How Communism would make children less annoying:

Child: "Dad, was that thing once yours?"

Dad: "Son, now it's OURS. There is no 'y' in communism."

Child:
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the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door
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Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison
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Due to less pollution in the air

cloud files are clearly visible now
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I finally listened to my mom, and took the road less traveled.

I totally missed all the signs about the freeway still being under construction.
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You get less time for murder

One of the shortest sentences in the English language is " I am ".

As a married man, I can confirm that "I do" is the longest sentence
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Why is Jesus less powerful than a locomotive?

Because Jesus could only walk on water but a locomotive runs on steam.
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There's a beautiful irony in the fact the history channel is showing less and less history...As if the history

Is in the past.
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Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later
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My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
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TIL military personnel are less likely to get acid reflux

Probably because they all have to go through basic training.
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...
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Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off
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What's less funny than an Amy Schumer joke?

Amy Schumer's jokes
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When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...make lemonade.
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What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a glass of "Less." "Less?" I've never heard of it," the bartender replies. "Is it a foreign drink or something?" "I don't have any idea," the guy says. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should try drinking Less."
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My doctor told me I need to drink less booze....

I have looked everywhere and can’t find that brand
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more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could...
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What do you call a stew that is less gross?

A st
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily
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My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.
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Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.
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Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.
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I'm always looking out for people less fortunate than me.

I don't want them to rob me.
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Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds
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Robin said to Batman...

"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"

"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

"Then why do I wear bright colors?"

"It also makes me less likely to be shot."
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