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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

I won't stand for people with less than 10 digits on their feet.

I'm lack toes intolerant.

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

When is a group of horses less than a whole horse?

When it’s three Quarter Horses.

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

When life hands you High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...make lemonade.

What weighs less than the color blue?

Light blue

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

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An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub…

… and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less...

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Why do restaurants try to spend less on butter?

They have to watch their margarines.

My wife demanded I had something that went 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway for here birthday.

She woke up to find a scale.

In what state are babies less annoying?

Liquid

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe

As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.

I defeated our local chess champion in less than three moves ...

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

What is the difference between a careless and a careful driver?

One is reckless and the other is wreck-less.

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

What's the difference between an Irish Wedding & an Irish Funeral?

The funeral has one less drunk.

Did you know a piranha can devour a small child in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways.. I just lost my job at the aquarium today.

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram....

I was like, 0mg.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary.

In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

An old farmer decides that he needs some help around the farm

So he hires a young lad from the local village. The lad isn't to bright but he's strong and eager so the farmer sets him off on a few tasks and seeing that he can actually do the jobs tell the new guy to jump into the tractor and take some food the the cows down the lane and to radio him on the CB i...

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

The less I rely on homeopathic medicine, the better off I am

I guess it works.

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

"I'm really good with numbers"

"How many times have you been told that?"

"Less times than I can count!"

What happens when a Jewish person becomes less basic?

They become more Hasidic!

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I didn't report it to the police because he was spending way less than her.

So I increased the credit limit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

What’s less than 150 meters and manmade, but can still be seen from space?

The international space station.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I am going to work on being less condescending

Con-Dee-Send-Ing - That means I am not going to talk down to people.

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I bought my wife a Ferrari for Xmas.She said that's no good to me,I want something that does 0-to-160 in less than 3 seconds.

So I bought her bathroom scales.

I'm really frustrated with this faulty vacuum cleaner.

It would suck less if it sucked more.

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed.

Kind of an unfair judgement to make in less than a minute.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that

blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media

Why does Africa has less casinos?

Too many cheetahs.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

A bus drives up to a bus stop

Waiting at the stop are several people, and (though nobody seems to notice) a mallard.

The people all get onto the bus, and the mallard gets on too. Much to the surprise of the passengers, the conductor lets it on.

A couple of stops later, some passengers get off and a canvasback gets ...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

My friends asked me what is the best and worst thing about catching COVID.

The worst is easy. Girls find me less attractive. Haven't gotten a second date since catching it.

The best is that my farts no longer smell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

My wife said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic..

I said, 'I think you mean fewer arguments'

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

An old man goes to see the doctor.

An old man goes to see the doctor.


Upon getting there, the doctor sighs and looks at him with pity.


"Peter, I have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first?"



"Give me the worse news now doctor, so that the less bad news don't matter much anymore."<...

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