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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get?

Because the sentence got mixed up.

I had this weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like 0mg!

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

the whole Royal Wedding took less time

than 2 astronauts crossing a door

Did you know, when ants come into your house, if there are 2 less than a dozen, you have to let them stay.

They have rights as ten-ants.

Due to less pollution in the air

cloud files are clearly visible now

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My wife has a moto: "If it takes less than 5 minutes, I will do it now."

We have sex constantly.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

What do you call a stew that is less gross?

A st

Trump: "The less immigrants we allow, the better!"

Miller: "The fewer..."

Trump: "Stephen! I told you never to call me that in public!"

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

To stop kids from doing drugs, they should give the drugs less cool names.

If Ecstasy was called moist curdle, I can assure you that nobody would be interested in trying it!

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

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Grammar Nazi joke

Nazi: We are mining too many useless ores.
Hitler: So mine less.
Grammar Nazi bursting through door: MINE FEWER!
Hitler: Yes?

What's blue but weighs less?

Light blue.

What do you call the art of foreskin-less men fighting?

Jew-Jitsu

Why do outdoor swimming pools cost less than indoor swimming pools?

Because there's less overhead.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

A Man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a pint of less.

The bartender looks at the man confused. "What's a pint of less?"

I'm not sure says the man, but that's what my doctor said I should be drinking.

54% of the world are living on less than $2 a day.

And I thought I was frugal.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

Anti-Vaxxers are less likely to have the cold

Because they’re already dead

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

Recently, Scientists have shown that Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.

It’s true. Current events have made it less attractive.

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

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We should call bisexual girls

More or less bians

The more suicidal people there are

The less suicidal people there are

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to bu...

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

You get less time for murder

One of the shortest sentences in the English language is " I am ".

As a married man, I can confirm that "I do" is the longest sentence

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

It’s too soon for coronavirus jokes.

They’re tasteless. And smell-less.

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

My drug dealer dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in order to be less suspicious

However, he got arrested after the cops saw me let him in

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

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A man is stood in the 10 items or less shopping checkout.

The girl in front of him turns around and looks in his basket. He has a 4 pack of beer and an indian meal for 1.
She smiles at him.
He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1.
He says to her " You're single aren't you"?
She gives a girly giggle and s...

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

Jim wants to sell his car and consults his friend Tommy.

Jim’s car is getting old so he’s decided to put it up for sale but consults his friend Tommy before making the advert.

Tommy asks him, “How many miles are on your car Jim?”.

“132,000, she’s getting old” he says.

Tommy looked shocked as he wanted his friend to get some money bac...

My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left.

I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

A guy tries to lose weight

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

A man pokes his head into a barbershop and asks how long the wait is for a haircut

The barber tells him, "We're backed up. It's going to be about three hours."

The man says, "All right, I'll come back later then," but he doesn't show up until days later, when he pokes his head in and asks again how long the wait is for a haircut.

The barber says it going to be around...

During a hot summer, a man goes through a McDonald's drive through and orders several cold drinks...

He repeats this process several times a day for a few days.
After the 4th day, a McDonald's manager decides to investigate why this man is buying so many drinks. He asks the man "why do you keep buying so many drinks when you could just go to a grocery store and get them cheaper?"

The man...

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

I'm always looking out for people less fortunate than me.

I don't want them to rob me.

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed...

I think It's pretty unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

Father Rabbit teaches his Rabbit Son life lessons.

So Father Rabbit takes four female rabbits and lines them up in front of his son.

"Son", says Father Rabbit, "we are small and vulnerable animals, and everyone in the woods wants to eat us. That's why we have to do everything really fast to stay safe. Including reproduction. I brought these f...

It's good that Fallout 76 is introducing more and more things to get less players.

Fallout is meant to have a post-apocalyptic setting so having less people around makes you feel like you're playing it for real.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

I got fired from my job as a changing room attendant for opening doors uninvited. They called me “the Knock Less monster.”

Because I was always lookin for free tiddy.

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

A guy marvels at himself in the mirror

Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING"

His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"

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A blind man walks into a bar ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartende...

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After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day.

After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.<...

What does time and cleavage have in comon?

Some people have more some have less, but if you squeeze them, you definitely get more.

Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds

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3 guys die and go to heaven ...

... St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut...

If I had a nicker for every misspelling on this sub...

I'd still be in a lot less trouble than you for saying that setup out loud.

Why was Jimmy killed by a tornado?

He heard that tornadoes kill less people than a common flu and went out for a walk.

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

Donald Trump is on a state visit to Israel and dies of a heart attack.

The funeral director explains to the President’s entourage of diplomats that to fly the body back to the U.S. would cost $50 000 and to have him buried in Israel would cost just $100. The diplomats discuss amongst themselves. They then return to the funeral director and say they prefer to the return...

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

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Bob and his wife.

Bob and his wife have been married for 2 years and bob has forgotten their anniversary both times.

Well after another year comes by bob forgets again. Bob’s wife is pissed off and threatened to get a divorce.

Wife- “Bob if there isn’t a present in that drive way that goes from 0 to 2...

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy...

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her ...

Help

Once after a heavy snowfall i was riding with a female co-worker. The roads had not yet been cleared of snow but we pushed ahead regardless, all the cars following in the same ruts. At the intersection the snowplow passed and left a pile of snow in front of us. We blew through it but it stalled the ...

In the small village the 5G transmitter was built.

Some time after building, the villagers started being angry about it. Soon, they made a petition against it. A secretary comes to the director of the project to inform him about the whole situation.
- Director, you may want to look at this.
- What is this?
- A petition against placing our t...

My doctor told me to reduce my calories.

So I went home, raided the cupboards, and ate half of eight muffins.



The next time I saw him, he looked me up and down, and said, "Have you been reducing your calories?"



I said, "Yes. Just the other day I ate half of eight muffins."



"What! You haven't lis...

Little Johnny was good door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got t...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

Wife. "We'd have less arguements it you weren't so pedantic."

Me. "You mean fewer?"

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

You know how many people work at city hall?

Less than half of them.

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

ME: Dial 999. Police, please

POLICE: Police

ME: Hi. Two hooded men are robbing my shed.

POLICE: Sorry, we have no resources. There's nothing we can do.

ME: They are standing less than 1 metre apart.

POLICE: Keep them there - we'll be there in 5.

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NSFW - Sammy the journeyman NFL player

Sammy was your less than average NFL player. He always managed to land on a roster, but in 13 years had never felt the glory of playing on Sunday. Every game he'd put on his gear, smear his cheeks with eye-black, don his helmet and rush onto the field with his teammates. But play after play, game...

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What do condoms and women have in common?

They both spend less time on your dick and more time in your wallet

My code name for my bedroom is "The Bathroom"

It sure makes all the stuff I do in there sound less weird.

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

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If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

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If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

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