Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

It's good that Fallout 76 is introducing more and more things to get less players.

Fallout is meant to have a post-apocalyptic setting so having less people around makes you feel like you're playing it for real.

I'm always looking out for people less fortunate than me.

I don't want them to rob me.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

I got fired from my job as a changing room attendant for opening doors uninvited. They called me “the Knock Less monster.”

Because I was always lookin for free tiddy.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

My drug dealer dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in order to be less suspicious

However, he got arrested after the cops saw me let him in

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

A car mechanic went bankrupt in less than a month

His repair shop was on the second floor.

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of less. The bartender looks at the man confused “ Whats less?”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”

Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds

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A man is stood in the 10 items or less shopping checkout.

The girl in front of him turns around and looks in his basket. He has a 4 pack of beer and an indian meal for 1.
She smiles at him.
He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for 1.
He says to her " You're single aren't you"?
She gives a girly giggle and s...

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After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day.

After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.<...

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I did Nazi that coming

Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

*Hitler rubs chin*: "So mine less"

*Grammar Nazi busts in*: "MINE FEWER"

*Hitler looks up*: "Yes?"

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

It's used in chemical dwarfare.

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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Less and less people are buying into religion.

Prophets are down.

Wife. "We'd have less arguements it you weren't so pedantic."

Me. "You mean fewer?"

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

I should be less condescending...

That means talking down to people.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

What weighs less than blue?

Light blue.

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person....

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

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If a person whose height is less than 5'10 has an orgasm

It's a shortcoming

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If it takes less than 5 minutes, do it right away

You won't believe how much Sex I am having since following this simple advice.

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves?

Completely Ruthless

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

People keep telling me I need to drink “Less” whiskey

I can’t find that brand anywhere.

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

A boy was living next to a very rich business man

While exploring his backyard, he finds a very old, silver lamp. He rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.

Genie: You are my master, you have 3 wishes that I must grant, no more, no less.

The boy thinks for a while, then he asks the Genie to make him the son of their rich neighbor,

...

For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

Russian joke

Dad: Looks like vodka will become more expensive.

Son: Dad, are you going to drink less now?

Dad: No, son, now you are going to eat less.

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

Why does Trump like KFC better than Popeye's Chicken?

Less to read

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Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

Why do women make less money than men

Because of the property tax

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk...

TIL I’m slightly less concerned if the world ends tomorrow

It’s already tomorrow in Australia

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

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Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations.

I knew I was ahead of my time.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

The more you cut it, the less holes it has. What is it?

A net.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

They told me let Jesus in , I'd feel less pain

Thats not true though because now I'm walking around the prison yard with a sore ass

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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

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I have less sex appeal than a math book...

At least when someone opens a math book, their first thought is “fuck me”.

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Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

My friend was telling me about his new Sportage...

but I couldn't Kia less.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

They say "a woman's work is never done"

Maybe that's why they get paid less

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

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A man and his wife have a baby.

As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the b...

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

His sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

My middle aged friend is completely broke, and is going out with a girl less than half his age.

She thinks of him as her sugar-free daddy.

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

My girlfriend says I'm terrible in bed.

It's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if y...

What do you call a broke Nicolas Cage?

Nickel-less Cage...

What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds

Good jokes are like anti vax kids

They come in many shapes and sizes, normally created by people that have less-than-average intelligence, and most importantly never gets old

MORE IS LESS

Q. What five-letter word becomes shorter if you add two letters to it?

A. “Short” (add +”er”)!

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

Studies show that women tend to drink less than men.

Probably because they can’t stand to pee.

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

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