Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were b...

What do you call a band that hasn't gotten a gig yet?

999MB

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

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After yet another allergy surfaced, I decided to divorce my wife -

Most of her allergies where tolerable, but her nut allergy ruined our sex life.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

I'm glad we haven't invented the time machine yet

Last thing i'd want is my work getting outsourced to a medieval era person.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

If you haven't bought a gun yet, you should get one

Because you'll never know when you'll be in a dark alley, and you're gonna need some money.

Have you guys tried out the new Mexican white wine yet?

It’s a Pinot Gringo

The paraplegic shared his life story, yet nobody cried

The story was simply not moving.

What do you call a homeopathic remedy thought to cure simply because it exists, yet has no purpose nor explanation as to why?

Existential oils

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

When it's October but there aren't any spooky jokes yet...

Never seen such boo-sheet before.

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People who haven't taken a crap yet today...

...stop holding onto yesterday's shit!

Does she look good yet?

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet a...

I've found the perfect girl but it isn't clicking yet

Wish me luck I'm about to change the battery on my wireless mouse.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

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When I was a kid, I joined the "I have yet to fuck a goat" group because it sounded funny.

As an adult, it seems much less funny, but now I dare not quit it.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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I haven’t made my mind up about masturbation yet

Because on one had it feels good.

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

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It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.

The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

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Yet another Little Johnny joke...

Little Johnny was in the classroom one day when the teacher came in and said...

Teacher: Ok class today we're on the letter S! Does anyone have any S words?

Little Johnny raises his hand high. The teacher looks around the room for more hands. Sarah then raised her hand.

Teacher:...

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep...

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Have you heard the joke about the Virgin yet?

It hasn't been laid yet.

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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink "Fanta"

No one calls me Fantastic.

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Wife, “Has the mailman come yet?”

Husband, “No, but he’s breathing hard.”

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum...

I haven’t decided how I feel about abortion yet.

On one hand, I support it because it’s killing babies. On the other, it gives women a choice.

What do you call all the pasta that you haven’t eaten yet?

Futura

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

Did you hear about the band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any Gigs yet

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

Little Johnny is late to school yet again.

So his teacher finally asks him what is the reason he is always late.
Little Johnny proudly replies: -I'm obeying the traffic sign!
-Stop kidding me Johnny, how can a traffic sign be blamed for this?
Little Johnny proudly again: -Well it says "Warning, school zone! Slow down!"

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

They've just announced the birth of the royal baby and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional and certainly the most original royal name yet.

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

One shop owner turns and asks another...

“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”


He replied.
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

A mad scientist walks into a bar..

..carrying 3 glass jars.

He puts the jars on the bar and says to the barman, "I have created life! Here, I have 3 jars, one containing Ice, one containing Water, and one containing Steam. They are all alive!".

The barman laughs and says, "ok, prove it then".

The mad scientist sa...

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?

The telephone, who r u gonna call?

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

Have Uganda Africa yet?

Nah, but I was Ghana do that.

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The...

I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

My friend is in a band called 1023 megabytes

They dont have a gig yet tho

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

A Multi-Level Meta Joke

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is a repost, but I haven't seen it posted in a while so I figured maybe there are people out there who haven't heard it yet.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink.

The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi...

Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

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A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

Have u heard of the band 999mb?

No? Well it's probably cause they haven't had a gig yet.

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet

It's got scientists scratching their heads.

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

My wife is so negative...

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

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Met this girl in a bar [OC]

She was kinda drunk and I didn't start drinking yet. I decided to bet her 2 grand that I could do 3 things she could not. She agreed.


I know I'm gonna get her. I whipped out my dick.


Now I'm out 2 grand.

It's stupid when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.

It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

Daycare visit

So I went to the daycare today and this lady came up next to me. She asked me which one was mine. I of course responded with that I hadn’t decided yet. She didn’t really talk to me after that.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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Don’t know if this ones on here yet

John went to the store to pick up a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner. He goes to the meat counter and asks for a ham, “Try this damn ham” the man at the counter said. “Excuse me”
John said, “no that’s what they’re called, damn hams” the man said and handed John a damn ham. He pays for the ...

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

I’d love to tell you that you’re beautiful...

But beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been inside you yet.

Hit me with your best clever, yet kid friendly, jokes

Context: I work at a a company that works with large groups of children. At least 3 times a day someone if telling a joke to the whole audience. The problem is, I've been working here for 6 years and at this point there are very few kid friendly jokes that aren't the same 6-7 or ancient repeats from...

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

My fav

Have you seen that movie about constapation,





Oh wait! It hasn’t come out yet.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll,...

I was looking at homes with my wife just the other day

We had been looking at buying our first house for quite some time for the two years that we were married for. We had searched near, far and in between for a nice, yet affordable place, until we went looking just the other day, where we found exactly what we wanted.

It was a particularly stran...

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A man and his wife watch a documentary on Africa

It features a tribe of men who lengthen their penises over 12 inches by tying a series of increasingly heavier stones to them. Inspired, the man tells his wife he’s going to give it a try.

A week later, he excitedly tells her “Honey, it’s starting to work!!”

Really? She exclaims. “It’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you pooped yet in 2019?

Or are you still hanging on to shit that happens last year?

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

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