“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

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Yet another Little Johnny joke...

Little Johnny was in the classroom one day when the teacher came in and said...

Teacher: Ok class today we're on the letter S! Does anyone have any S words?

Little Johnny raises his hand high. The teacher looks around the room for more hands. Sarah then raised her hand.

Teacher:...

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It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.

The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and...

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep...

Wife, “Has the mailman come yet?”

Husband, “No, but he’s breathing hard.”

Have you heard of the band 1023 megabytes?

Probably not they haven’t had a gig yet

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink "Fanta"

No one calls me Fantastic.

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

What's the favourite drink of a dyslexic who has not yet admitted that he's an alcoholic?

Jack Denieals

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Have you heard the joke about the Virgin yet?

It hasn't been laid yet.

A guy once said to his friend, “Planes can be submarines, yet submarines cannot be planes.”

His friend replied, “Well not with that altitude they can’t.”

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

I haven’t decided how I feel about abortion yet.

On one hand, I support it because it’s killing babies. On the other, it gives women a choice.

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

Little Johnny is late to school yet again.

So his teacher finally asks him what is the reason he is always late.
Little Johnny proudly replies: -I'm obeying the traffic sign!
-Stop kidding me Johnny, how can a traffic sign be blamed for this?
Little Johnny proudly again: -Well it says "Warning, school zone! Slow down!"

What do you call all the pasta that you haven’t eaten yet?

Futura

They've just announced the birth of the royal baby and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional and certainly the most original royal name yet.

Got my wife with the greatest dadjoke yet

She was talking about something and I got the rare chance to interrupt her by saying "Hi leaving and taking the kids due to these stupid jokes, I'm dad!"

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

My friend failed every exam he ever took and didn't complete his studies. Yet, he's rising to the top.

He's a window cleaner

What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?

The telephone, who r u gonna call?

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

They've discovered a new strain of head lice, but they haven't found a cure yet

It's got scientists scratching their heads.

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

Just got yet another email from the patron saint of copying people in

I should never have given my email address to St Francis of a CC

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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Don’t know if this ones on here yet

John went to the store to pick up a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner. He goes to the meat counter and asks for a ham, “Try this damn ham” the man at the counter said. “Excuse me”
John said, “no that’s what they’re called, damn hams” the man said and handed John a damn ham. He pays for the ...

Aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet because we only have 1 star.

They’ll want to visit solar systems with 4 or 5 stars

Ever notice that regular gouda is square, yet smoked gouda is circular?

Smoking really does take the edge off.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

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Have you pooped yet in 2019?

Or are you still hanging on to shit that happens last year?

Hit me with your best clever, yet kid friendly, jokes

Context: I work at a a company that works with large groups of children. At least 3 times a day someone if telling a joke to the whole audience. The problem is, I've been working here for 6 years and at this point there are very few kid friendly jokes that aren't the same 6-7 or ancient repeats from...

My vacuum cleaner was having a hard time doing its job. Yet the one I bought to replace it didn’t work either.

It really sucks

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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet? (Please read post)

Because this god damn joke is reposted every fucking hour.

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

Have you seen the movie “Constipation” yet?

That’s because it never came out

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

It's stupid when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.

It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.

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Haven't seen this one on reddit yet

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in separate planes flying over there respective countries.
The Englishman looks out the window and tosses out a crate of tea and states "I give the gift of tea to my people".
The Frenchman looks out his window and tosses a case of crosses out...

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Saw the movie titled Constipation?

I bet you didn't because it isn't out yet.

/crappy joke , I know ;-)

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

It hasn't even been 2019 for a month yet

It feels like so much longer ago that I broke all of my resolutions

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

Did the postman come yet?

No, but he is already breathing quite heavily.

Have you had your "cabbage verification" yet?

You're not sure? Then let us check.

So aliens flew by our planet recently and one asked the other...

Alien 1 How advanced is that civilization?

Alien 2 They have discovered nuclear technology.

Alien 1 Oh boy... That's pretty intelligent. We better keep our distance then from their missles.

Alien 2 Nah, they're not that smart yet. They have em pointed at themselves.

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Went to the library and asked the Librarian have you got the book on small penises, she replied, it's not in yet.

I said yes that's the one.

Did you Chewbacca became a film director? The actors keep complaining he hasn’t gotten one scene right yet...

Wookie Miss Takes

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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

Met my daughters teacher tonight. It was heartbreaking. She was working at her second job. Teachers are the most underpaid, under appreciated, yet most valuable people in the world.

So I gave her $50 for the lap dance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it turkey day yet?

You butterball-ieve it is!

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

I told my a very old & close classmate at our 15-year reunion that I'm a Poet. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

I asked my doctor: "Doc, did the lab results come back yet? The curiosity is killing me."

Doc: "Well, it's not the curiosity ..."

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What is the best part about a pie, yet not about a pussy?

The crust.

The reason Jesus hasn’t returned yet

Is because his people are actually worshipping the instrument of his death.

It's Not Over Yet

The awkward moment when u go to church and accidentally sit next to your ex, and the pastor says 'turn to your neighbor and say...It's Not Over Yet:)

"Daddy, am I adopted?"

Not yet.

Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. L...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

I'm 18 and I have yet to have my period. My lil sis is 17 and has been having them since 13, I'm ashamed to talk to my friends because I don't know if I have a problem.

Does it take longer if you're a boy?

My food isn't seasoned yet,

But it will be in no thyme.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?" "What is it, dear?" s...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model?

Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.

(Edit: I hate to put this here but: pronounced like “Excess”)

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

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A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

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Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”

Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”

Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”

Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your broth...

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