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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.

It's much nicer having some company.

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

Feeling like a cake right now

Baked.

If you’re ever feeling useless

Remember the “ueue” in “queue”.

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One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

Adam was feeling a bit lonely in the garden of Eden

"Hey, God. I'm bored! I'm lonely, I have no one to talk to

The animals are great and all, but I need someone to share all of this with"


"Very well, I shall create for you the perfect companion.

a **woman**!

She will be smart, will make you laugh, she will love you, ...

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

Johnny came home from school feeling very proud of himself, his mum says Johnny why are you so happy? Johnny replied I got a question right that no one else could answer, mum says what was the question? Johnny replied.

Who has farted?

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

My feelings about my son's school are mixed

Their whiteboards are remarkable but their paper is tearable

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An elderly man, feeling ill, goes to the doctor with his wife.

The doctor examines him, then asks to speak to the wife alone.

"What is it, Doctor?"
"I'm sorry to say, your husband is terribly ill and only has a few months to live."
"Is there anything we can do?" the wife asks in desperation.
The doctor thinks, then says "Well... there is ...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

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George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

What's an undefined feeling?

When your mother-in-law crashes your brand new car and dies.

I had a job interview today that I'm feeling pretty positive about.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded. “Whenever there was a problem at my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

A blond is driving down country roads feeling smart because she dyed her hair brown

She turns a corner and finds the road completely blacked by sheep. The farmer comes it the the window and apologizes for blockage, he says they’ll be past in a few minutes. The “brunette” looks at the sheep and back at the farmer and says “if I can guess how meant sheep are there can I have one?” Th...

7 dwarves were feeling grumpy in bed.

Grumpy left.

I was looking at the new menu options and feeling a bit adventurous, I thought I’d try something new. “I’ll have the tall blonde flat white, please!”

The man behind the counter looked at me and smiled. “Great choice! Please wait in this room, Courtney will be with you momentarily .”

A man went into the doctors office because he hadn’t been feeling well.

After hours of testing, the doctor walked in looking apprehensive.

“Well, I have good news and bad news.”

“What’s the good news?”

“The good news is, you have a disease named after you.”

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

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What do you call a strange but familiar, unexplainable feeling in your anus?

Gay-ja-vu

It was Christmas time and everyone was feeling Merry.

So she went home.

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It's really feeling Christmassy at the Holiday Inn where I'm working...

I just to some pregnant woman and her husband to "fuck off, we're full"

I got a bad feeling sitting on the fence like this.

But I’ll get over it.

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Corey was feeling very cold during his entire life.

One day he died and went to Heaven. Meeting St. Peter at the Heaven’s Gate Corey asks him.

\- St Peter, I was freezing all of my life and was dreaming about how warm it would be in Hell if I could get there. Can you please send me to Hell so I would get some warm?

\- You’ve spent quite...

Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?

He had low elf-esteem.

Doctor doctor I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.

Don’t worry it’s just a mid-wife crisis.

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

Scrabble, monopoly and cluedo were sitting around the bedroom feeling sorry for themselves

They hadn’t been played with in a long time and were feeling particularly frustrated and listless. They wanted something to do but just didn’t know what to do and so sat there with a mood on, not feeling happy at all.

Human 1 and human 2 came into the room and human 1 picked up monopoly and ...

What feeling you get in r/jokes

Deja vu

You know that feeling you get when you finally post OC on reddit?

Yea me neither.

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

Six dwarves in a bath were feeling happy. So happy got out.

Once happy got out then they all felt grumpy.

By the time grumpy escaped they were feeling sleepy. Sleepy didn't seem to notice.

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

What is the epitome of mixed feelings?

seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new sports car

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

You know that feeling you get in the middle of the afternoon when you're really sleepy and tired..

There's a nap for that

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

Late one night, Snow White was feeling sleepy

The other dwarves found out and it was a big scandal.

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Husband: I’ve lost all feeling that’s in the nerve of my butt

Wife: are you serious?
Husband: Deadass

A young Spanish boy walked home feeling disheartened

After getting turned down for a job at the local bakery, he realized his dream just wouldn’t pan out

Y'know, I was feeling sad after my crush told me that she liked me as a brother,

But then I realized that she was from Alabama.

A lot of my friends really struggle hard with drug addiction, depression, and a feeling of indifference to the world.

But they always came easily for me.

It’s a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

That tingly little feeling that you get when you think you are in love...

That’s your common sense leaving your body!

One of the best feelings in life is to wake up and feel the warm, cuddling embrace of someone..

...unless you're in prison

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.

The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.

He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."

The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"

The doctor said, "You must provide a str...

Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight?

Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart.

I just love the feeling you get when someone you dislike is wearing slightly uncomfortable shoes

Ah shoddenfreude

My buddy was feeling suicidal and approached me for support

I told him to hang in there.

A man tells his wife he’s not feeling well.

When she comes home from the grocery store, she brings him his favorite soy sauce to cheer him up. He says “Oh, I see, Kikkoman when he’s down”.

You know that feeling when you want to eat something that’s right in front of you, but you can’t?

Yea, that’s why I quit being a gynaecologist

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My friend urinated on a robot capable of feeling emotions. It got angry, but then it shut down.

He really pissed it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years. One day, a wizard feeling sorry for them, brought them to life for 30 minutes...

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them, "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go..."

The statues loo...

If you wish to grow old with Joy, Grace and feeling Rosy all over...

You had better ask for their permission first!

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

Many people who appear to be cool ,often struggle with feelings of inadequecy . But not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

What did the Moh’s hardness scale say when it was feeling down?

“I don’t want to talc about it”

After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry

...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.

We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined b...

My girlfriend keeps trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names of exotic birds...

Well, toucan play it that game.

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"

Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"

Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."

I was feeling down the other day and decided to go to the movies.

I asked the guy at the counter, "Hey, which one has a happy ending?"

The guy says, "For an extra five bucks, they all do."

What do you call a deer with mixed feelings?

Bambivalent

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor takes blood and runs a few tests, takes a few other samples, and runs a few more tests. He finally finishes his diagnosis, and begins delivering the results.

"Sir," says the doctor, "I have good news, and bad news. Which would you like first?"

"Give me the good news, doc."...

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The wife was feeling kinky and tried jerking me off with her feet...

...but she was just rubbing me the wrong way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts?

In his die-harry.

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

Tony Stark and Pepper potts are sitting in bathtub feeling Happy..

... Suddenly Happy felt disgusted and left.

My wife must be feeling patriotic today...

... because she just declared her independence.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How ...

The best thing about a bad joke when you're feeling down?

For a short time it takes the pun away.

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Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn’t feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

I was feeling a little hungry

I was feeling hungry, so I went into the kitchen to grab some crackers just to find out they’ve gone bad...

Why did the depressed Mexican order chinese takeout?

Because he was feeling lo mein

I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putti...

Mr. Stark, I'm not feeling so good...

Rene Descartes get home from work.

Wife: You forgot groceries again!?

Descartes: I'm sorry honey, I wasn't thinking.

*Descartes slowly fades from existence*

Noah was feeling bored on the Ark

His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"

Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.

He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.

His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,

"I ran out of worm...

Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?

Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

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I've been feeling like I'm pretty boring, so I asked my girlfriend about having anal sex

Now I feel like a real stick in the mud

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...