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[after Pumba suffers a fatal heart attack]

**Timon [sobbing]:** OH GOD WHYYYY??

**Simba:** hahaha hakuna matata buddy

**Timon:**

**Simba:** remember that? remember when you told me that? after my dad was fucking murdered?!

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

I just wanna say to all people suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone

Scientists have determined that 39% of couples, suffer pain after eating this one food.

Wedding Cake.

Put-the-fork-down and walk away...

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

If you suffer from schizophrenia

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

If you suffer from short term memory loss

If you suffer from short term memory loss

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I used to suffer from constipation

That shit was hard.

One of my next-door neighbours is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s.

Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought ...

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

One of the guys I went to school with suffered from Multiple Personality Disorder

But he was good people.

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

I put Whiskers down today. It was time to end the suffering.

I'm not that sad about it though. It was a dumb name for a kid anyway.

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Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ass."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your ass wide and ask your wife to ...

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A man suffered from excruciating headaches for years.

He saw doctor after doctor, and tried many different medications and treatments without success. At long last he found a specialist who discovered the cause of his problem. The doctor informed the man that his pain was being caused by a rare condition in which his testicles were pushing into the bas...

Why was the eagle sufferings from a sickness not allowed to enter the country?

Because it was an ill eagle.

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After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.

She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that bitch told lies.

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

A buddy of mine suffers from dyslexia, paranoia and he's agnostic.

He's scared all the time wondering is there is a Dog

My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia.

I think someone paid him to say it.

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Do you suffer from chronic masturbation?

Im a doctor, I can help. We'll beat it together.

What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac suffer from?

He lies awake every night wondering if there is a dog.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus?

In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

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Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

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To everyone out there suffering from constipation...

I sincerely hope you have a really shitty day

Why do K-pop fans suffer from flashbacks after traumatic events?

Because they have BTSD.

Doctor: Sir, I think you are suffering from amnesia

Man: Yeah, and I think that girl over there likes me
Doc: Yeah, she's your wife

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

Listen, because I won't tell you again - I'm suffering from short-term memory loss.

Ah, and one more thing - I'm suffering from short term memory loss.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

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Today is International Orgasm Day...

Those who suffer from premature ejaculation celebrated yesterday.

I’ve suffered from so much racist abuse today, with people yelling at me to “go home” and “go back where you came from.”

It really spoiled my giant get-together with all my friends in the park.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

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A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant ...

I suffer from separation anxiety.

My wife's left me and I'm terrified she'll come back.

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on...

..Receeding Airline.

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Benedict Cumberbatch says he suffered from crippling constipation as a kid.

No shit Sherlock

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations?

They had fibromyalgebra

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives.

My question is why 1 in 5 enjoy it.

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I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

My friend suffers from narcolepsy and is really looking forward to Christmas.

Just 214 sleeps to go.

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

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Sorry it's a long one. A man is driving when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere so he walks to the nearest house

When he knocks the door is opened by a Chinese man who happily agrees to help him and says he may spend the night. But he says do not touch my daughter or you will suffer 3 Chinese tortures.

The man agree and goes to sleep but is awakened by the man's daughter who is stunning and he can't he...

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me

I’m fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

Nobody warn you about the 3 rings of marriage.

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

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Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", re...

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

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Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?

Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety

You are not alone there's someone behind you

Brotherly love

My younger brother suffers from schizophrenia and hears voices in my head, he shared his experience with me.
So being a good brother I tried to console him, so I said " Don't worry you're not alone in this ".

For everyone out there who suffers from paranoia and delusions

You’re NOT alone. There’s someone watching you.

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"

Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

Friend: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. Talk to your doctor.

Me: [hurriedly calls doctor] hey do u suffer from depression?

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

Does anyone else suffer from autophobia...

Or is it just me?

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.

You could say they are going toupée for it.

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian

I mistakes.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

Why are employees on Apple suffering without air ?

Because there are no windows there

I don't suffer from madness.

I enjoy every second of it.
(attributed to Salvador Dali)

A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he c...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

I suffer from CDO.

It’s OCD with the letters in the correct order.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?

Stock-home Syndrome

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

Diarrhea sufferers should have a support group...

Somewhere they can just let it all out

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My new girlfriend just found out I suffer from premature ejaculation

She took it on the chin though.

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor that he’s been suffering from terrible nightmares

“What are these nightmares about?” Asks the doctor.

“Well,” says the man “I’m standing in front of a door with a sign on it, I keep pushing and pushing but the door just won’t open!”

“Interesting. And what does the sign say?”

“Pull!”

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