UPJOKE
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

4 out of 5 people suffer from Diarrhea

Then there's that one guy.

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

To all the people out there suffering from paranoia...

...just remember, you're not alone

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”

Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”

Doctor: “Nine.”

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

What did the man suffering from dementia do?

He was looking for his phone while using the torch on his phone, so he can use the phone torch to help look for his lost glasses, that are on top of his head, so that he can see the phone screen clearly.

My dad suffers from seizures...

...so far they've taken his car, his house and his boat

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It's hard to keep a girlfriend when you suffer from premature ejaculation.

Easy cum, easy ghost.

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The woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from...

...knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?”,

asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not ...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

My friend told me he suffers from extreme paranoia...

I told him don't worry you're not alone

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

I suffer from crippling narcissism.

I'm a victim of it.

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

Wife donating many of her clothes to the suffering poor.

Told her, 'if your clothes fit them, they can't be suffering that badly'.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

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One time I took my friend who suffered from premature ejaculation to a brothel to work on his stamina.

He blew it.

My doctor told me I am suffering from Hypochondria.

I said "Oh Jesus, not that as well!"

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm suffering from deja vu

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away after suffering from a short illness.

He had Dwarfism

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up

I now suffer from anxiety and depression

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

the 3 rings of marriage

What are the three rings of marriage? Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."

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John and Jack go hiking in the woods

Two best friends, John and Jack, decide to go for a hike in the woods. Halfway into their hike, Jack has to pee and goes behind a tree. After a few moments John hears Jack screaming his head off and rushes to go help him.

John finds Jack laying on the ground grabbing his crotch screaming, wit...

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O'Connor's wife is home making dinner as usual when O'Brien, one of her husband's co-workers at the Guinness factory, arrives at her door.

"Grace, may I come in?" O'Brien asks. "I've somethin’ to tell ya".

"Of course. But where's Paddy?"

"That’s what I'm here to be telling ya, Grace", says O'Brien. "There was an accident down at the brewery…"

"Oh, God no!" cries Grace. “What's happened?"

"I'm sorry but Paddy...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed....

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

My brother supports helping the suffering die in a dignified matter, but he's an ageist racist.

I mean, WHY should it have to be done by youth in Asia?

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I’m mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, “hey are you alright? What’s with al...

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

My wife suffers from a drinking problem.

“Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

If you suffer from short term memory loss

If you suffer from short term memory loss

How many dementia sufferers does it take to change a light-bulb?

To get to the other side!

(Apologies if re-post. I forgot where I heard this)

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

If you suffer from schizophrenia

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

Did you hear about the guy who got hit with a bottle of omega 3 capsules?

He suffered super-fish-oil injuries

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Do you suffer from chronic masturbation?

As a therapist i can help. We can beat it together.

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I went to a self help group for people that suffer from Premature Ejaculation last night

They said to get there at 7 but I came early.

Doctor: I'm afraid your body is suffering from a magnesium problem

Patient. 0MG!

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I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

I'm a man that suffers from PMS.

The wife gets it . . . . . I suffer

Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria’

Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.

You could say they are going toupée for it.

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

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A Great Classic is a classics for a reason.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


Because 7 ate 9!

Why does 10 suffer from PTSD?


Because the poor son of a bitch was right in the middle of 9/11.

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

I feel terrible for people suffering from vertigo.

They don't know what's up.

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[after Pumba suffers a fatal heart attack]

**Timon [sobbing]:** OH GOD WHYYYY??

**Simba:** hahaha hakuna matata buddy

**Timon:**

**Simba:** remember that? remember when you told me that? after my dad was fucking murdered?!

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

My doctor told me that I suffer from paranoia.

I think someone paid him to say it.

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

I heard Dr Dre suffered an aneurysm today.

I know they can cause memory loss. I hope he hasn’t forgot about Dre.

My next door neighbor is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s

Every morning at 9 AM he knocks on my door and asks me if I’ve seen his wife.

Which means every morning at 9 AM I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for several years.

I could move. I could just not answer the door. But it’s wo...

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

"Did you hear, Susan's husband died?" "Oh noo. How long did he suffer?"

"Not long, they were married for no longer than 2 years.."

I formed a support group for people who suffer from Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately it didn't work out. Everyone wanted to have it at their place.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

Far too many trees suffer from little dog syndrome

All bark and no bite

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

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[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.


Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

Russian literature is built on suffering.

Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

Alcoholism

Doctor: "Do you suffer from Alcoholism?"

Patient: "No, I actually enjoy it quite a lot."

Do you feel Nauseous while filling up your vehicle?

Dizzy when you go in to pay?

You might be suffering from CarOwner Virus.

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

A patient suffering from dementia is rolled into ER.

Doctor asks : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Patient answers : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

My dog has one floppy ear.

She suffers from earectile dysfunction.

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

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Socket to me...

A guy is on a business trip to another state and on the last evening decides to spend a few hours drinking downstairs at the bar. He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap. Later on, she knocks on his door and...

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

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Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

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