My wife has NO sense of humor

I still thought "hi 'Drowning', I'm Dad!" was hilarious.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right.

What did Darth Vader say when he sensed Luke for the first time?

"I have a dad feeling about this."

What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I told the psychologist, "Sure, my sense of chronology is fine!"

Then I knocked on his door and went into his room.

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

My wife always complains that I have zero sense of empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

There’s nothing like a good sense of humor.

And you have nothing like a good sense of humor.

Common sense

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astrono...

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

They say that orienteering gives you a sense of freedom.

I don’t think that is true, there are controls everywhere!







(Seeing as Americans don’t know what orienteering is I foresee this joke bombing!) :D

Sometimes it makes no sense to vaccinate your children.

For example, when they're already dead.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

Today I lost my sense of humour

It's not funny

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

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You: Bastard



Me: You just did

You: I'm not going to do that

Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You look, you get a sense of it, and you look away.

AND you can look longer with sunglasses!

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

All of this vegan activism just makes no sense.....

Normally they don't want no beef.

Every day I like to fill my kids' minds with a sense of wonder.

Like "I wonder who my Dad is?"

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

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Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

A sense of humor is like food...

...you're not allowed to have it in Soviet Russia.

What would you think if one day, you woke up and didn’t have a sense of humor?

You probably wouldn’t think it was very funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks

"What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."

I hate being patronised

Patronised means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Kid from The Sixth Sense asked to comment on Game Of Thrones and he described it with one sentence.

"Icey dead people"

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced

That explains why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self importance

Thanks to video games, kids today have a warped sense of the word "Boss"...

Last weekend I introduced my son to my boss ...he drank a potion, then attacked her!

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

There’s something wrong with my sense of touch and depth perception...

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinic

He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth....

how to become a prophet

1-write things that don't make sense on a paper

2-bury it

3-prophet

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Read this on a bathroom wall...

When I was young and had no sense.

I pissed on an electric fence

It shocked my dick,

it shocked my balls

And made me shit in my overalls

Did you hear the tagline for the new show: "6th Sense on Ice"?

Icey dead people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.

The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".

The man does ...

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Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

Wife to husband

Wife - What do you like the most: my beauty or my intelligence?
Husband - your sense of humor.

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his pr...

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

People always tell me my rhymes don't make sense.

And they're absolutely right. Pretense.

Sound hearing,

It's like sight seeing, in a different sense.

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

I guess it makes sense Maduro won’t step down.

He was a bus driver originally and those guys never stop when someone tells them too.

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Bit of a political

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

So you know the fear of spiders is arachnophobia? What’s the fear of chainsaws?

Common sense.

Working at the circus

I used to work for a circus. The life was rough but we had some really good and talented acts. We had clowns, jugglers, contortionists, tight rope walkers and even a fire breather. Our boss was a real prick. She made us wear uncomfortable uniforms they didn’t really fit. The pants worked similarly t...

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

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