UPJOKE
feelperceptioncommon sensetasteperceivesmellsensationolfactionsensibilityhearingsensitivityunderstandsentienceappreciationdetect

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour, have a heightened sense of self-importance.

What do the Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

my friends kept on insulting me saying I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense...

My friend, what were you doing in the closet that whole time???

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense.

The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.

my sense of humor is so dark

It got shot by the police

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife has a sense of humor!

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."

(This one’s a tad dark… you’ve been warned) What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk. He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, ...

I don't like jokes because my sense of humor are like my dad....

gone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

As a new Dad, my dad joke senses are tingling. I made this joke (better when spoken). "Why did the 7 foot man take 2 cans of Garbanzo beans on the flight?"

Because he wanted more legume.

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

Grandfathers have the purest sense of humor.

My grandfather is close to 90 years old and has to take medication. One day, my aunt gave him his pills, and the cogs in his brain began to turn.

Grandpa after being given his medication: Tell everyone I'm on the pill.

Aunt:.....

Grandaunt: \*Howling with laughter when hearing t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every guy tells you they have an 8 inch Dick. It makes sense when you realize the formula they use to calculate it.

8==D

Common sense

It is like deodorant. Those who need it the most don’t have it.

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

I sent my hearing aids for repair 2 weeks ago

Haven't heard anything sense.

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

A Man Notices his Co-Worker Wearing an Earring One Day

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
<...

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

My wife and I argue every night that I have a garbage sense of direction

So I took my bags and right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

A man hires a poacher to capture a male gorilla for a zoo.

The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man. The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun and a chihuahua. They search through the jungl...

Today I thought I had a quarter in my shoe which didn’t make sense

Turns out it was a nickel which made even less cents.

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

What do you call a joke that makes no sense and has no effort?

A cake day post.

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID, and lost his sense of taste.

He's been listening to a lot of Justin Bieber.

It makes sense that the universe is actually a hot waifu

No wonder life is so hard.

My friends say I have no sense of humour

I think they're joking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father shark teaches the son shark how to eat human

"Look boy, when you target a swimming human go close with your fin out of the water. Take a few laps around the target then you can eat. Does it make sense?"

"Yes, father. Thank you." the son replayed.

"Now go find your lunch" said the father.

The guy went in one direction and c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife

My wife got naked and asked me, “what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body”

I looked her up and down before letting her know, “it would have to be your sense of humour”

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

I can always sense when my siblings are going to have a daughter.

I have telekineices.

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That one was a violation!

Him: Hey, girl ... I want to get into your pants!

(\*looks at his friends thinking he has done something great\*)

Her: Sorry I already have one asshole in my pants

(\*PS: plz don't hate me ... I do not have a good sense of humour \*)

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

A dog walks into a telegraph office and says to the clerk

“woof woof woof woof woof woof woof”

Clerk: “for the same price you could send one more woof.”

Dog: “But that wouldn’t make any sense.”

A COVID nurse asked me ‘so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste’

I replied ‘Hey! Riverdale is a good show’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eldery Jew buys a lottery ticket every day from the small minimarket from the corner.

And every day he says the same thing: "Hashem (God), please let me win the lottery - if I do I will give a million dollars to charity"

And each day he loses. And still, every day he repeated the same prayer "Hashem, please help me win the lottery - I will give a million dollars to charity"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried to translate a Turkish joke, hope it makes sense

Temel and his wife Fadime were at an amusement park. Fadime asked Temel if she could swing on the swing set. He refused, saying that other people would be able to see her panties. She asked him several times but Temel said no.

Minutes passed by and Temel had to use the restroom. When he got b...

You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?

Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.

Because then he'll get a better taste in music.

There was once a doctor renowned for her temper

She was becoming so angry at work that she decided to retrain as a lawyer, to be able to release some of her stress by shouting in a courtroom. Out of a sense of loyalty she would regularly represent some of the people she used to treat when they had cases brought against them. Word got out about he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste.

Turns out I'm just a shitty cook.

It seems my lady doctor has a crush on me and she really likes my fashion sense.

She told me that I have serious healthy shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.