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Happy Jokes

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

Me: “Happy Pi day!”

Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?”
Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational”

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

How does an alchemist make his wife happy?

Elixer

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day...

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

Why is Santa always happy?

He knows where all bad girls are living.

I’d like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother’s Day!

…and make all the Americans panic.

(It’s Mother’s Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

A happy couple was once celebrating their first anniversary...

And during the entire celebration, the husband carried his wife on his back. When a friend asked why he was doing this, the man replied, "I'm a turtle." The friend then asked about his wife, to which he replied, "Oh, her? She's Michelle."

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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Being happy is like pissing your pants

Everyone can see it, but you're the only one that can feel the warmth.

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP.....

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"

Bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"

Bartender ...

Why is Minnie Mouse so happy?

Because Mickey has a STEAMBOAT WILLIE

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

I remember when I got married to my wife. I had 18 blissfully happy years.

Then I met her.

Happy Father's Day

A new teacher joins a school.

She finds two boys looking very similar in appearance.

The teacher asks: Twins...?

Boys: No, we are neighbours!

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Me: Happy International Anxiety Day!

My therapist: International Anxiety Day is tomorrow.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

Happy Father’s Day

(we all know Mother’s Day only happens if fathers come first)

Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them.

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

Happy π day!

If you struggle to understand the concept of π, remember:
Where there is a wheel, there is a way.

Happy Martin Lawrence Day

Mar 10

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...

For the BOOOOS

Some people call their mistakes "happy accidents"

But some people get more creative and give them cute little names like Nathan or Thomas, just like my parents did.

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher!

Hahahahahahahahah




you guys have no idea how alone I am.

Happy Pi Day

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.

Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?

Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

The Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.<...

It is Wednesday, February 15th 2023. Happy Humpday everyone.

Opps, my bad... humpday was February 14th, wasn't it?

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

Happy Anniversary

A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question.

"Honey, I was just wondering something," he said.

"What's that, dear?" the wife wondered.

"Well... we've been...

My proctologist was very happy with my prostate check results.

Two thumbs up.

Happy Star Wars Day/Cinco de Mayo

Chewie today, Chuy tomorrow

My wife wished me a happy Father’s Day..

I told her thanks, but I couldn’t have done it without her.

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Happy Monsoon!

A lady was having an affair.
One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
BF: It's raining out there!'

Lady: 'If my hubby catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of t...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

Happy May

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This w...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because...

... of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I wou...

Happy father's day!

5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:

Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me

Mom: And which one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears.

Mom: ...

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

What do women and happy meals have in common?

They both come with a toy inside them.

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window an...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

"Happy Pride Month!" said Jacob . . . .

. . . half in Ernest.

I got a lot of "Happy Father's Day, Daddy" messages yesrerday...

I'm starting to think I spend way too much money on OnlyFans...

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

I'm so happy to finally have a stepladder!

I never knew my real ladder..

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

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A Bad Happy New Year Joke

Me(on the phone): Happy New Year.

Friend: Happy New Year, you voice sound strange, where are you...right now?

Me: I'm in the toilet

Friend: Why?

Me: I don't wanna take last year's shit into 2023

The AMC theater workers weren't very happy with the deal made to end their labor strike

They had to make a lot of concessions.

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

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Happy Oldman

A journalist asked an old man "tell us a happy story from your life as you lived a long life"

The man said ok: back then when we were living in the village and my neighbor's cow got lost, all the village went searching, we spent a whole day searching, and when we found it we all fucked it....

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what do woman and a McDonald's happy meal have in common?

They both can cum with a toy inside lol

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

I am really happy that people are having a neighborhood watch in our community starting next week.

I wonder when I get to wear it for the first time.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there ...

... And to the rest of you mother f\\\*\\\*kers.

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?

It's in Boston Harbor.

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?

She had a captive audience

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district

The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.

He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be ...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Happy anniversary

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-hal...

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

It’s Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day to all those in love

and happy Monday to all those who are married.

Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.

Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywh...

How happy can your cousin make you?

Relatively happy.



Sorry.

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

Happy New Years!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

I wanted to wish everyone here a happy Spanksgiving...

...but that would have been quite cheeky of me.

Happy Friday!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

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My older brother told me “gay meant happy”

I still don’t understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, “my brother makes me gay.”

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

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Happy Thanksgiving!

If the natives had given the pilgrams donkeys instead of turkeys, we would all be eating Ass for Thanksgiving!

Happy Friday - Blonde Joke :)

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before...

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

Happy 2's Day Everybody

Because today's date is 2/22/22 and its a Tuesday!!

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Happy anniversary dear

Man and wife sitting at the dinner table celebrating their 50th anniversary.


Wife asks him "what do you remember about when we first met?"


Man says "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry."


Wife, shocked, says "well what do you think now?"

...

Joe was feeling Happy

.. then, Happy slapped Joe.

Happy Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

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A penis has a happy life

He has curly hair, he never goes bald, his family is always behind him,his neighbours are connected to him, he likes warm places, his owner strokes him often and is his most protected possession.

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My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

Happy International Woman's day, ladies.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but you all took too long to get ready.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

The secret to a happy marriage

.....remains a secret.

Happy Columbus Day

I’m celebrating by getting lost in the grocery store while looking for the spice aisle.

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

Knock knock

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years

And then Bill started working from home.

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

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What’s the difference between a prostitute and Jesus?

The sound they make when you’re nailing them.

Happy Easter you filthy degenerates.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

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