My wife and I were both happy for 26 years

Then we met.

Why are frogs always happy?

They just eat what *bugs* them

My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved.

Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

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A friend wished me a happy anniversary

"How long have you been married?"

Me: "Two fucking years."

Wife: "Umm, it's been five years."

Me: "Thank you honey. I was just getting to that part. ...and three non-fucking years."

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

What do you call a happy Roman soldier with a hair stuck in his teeth?

A "Glad he ate her"

Happy wife, happy life.

Happy husband, suspicious wife.

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

Jack was feeling happy

Happy felt disgusted and ran away

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

Hope you're happy

Have been going through a rough patch and someone thought it would be a good idea to steal my antidepressants.

Whoever you are, I hope you're happy.

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Happy Chris Columbus Day! Say what you want about the guy but in reality....

We wouldn't have the first two Harry Potter movies without him.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents."

So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

I am so happy, I finally beat stage 4 cancer!

Now I am on stage 5!

Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

A wife asks her hard working husband how she can make him happy in bed...

He replies “A few more hours of sleep would be nice.”

Happy Palindrome Day.

9 1 1 9

Why are mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.

My last girlfriend became a cop and ended up pulling me over and writing me a ticket. She asked why I seemed so happy about it.

I told her I was just ex-cited.

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

- Happy birthday Jimmy !!

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.

\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!

\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man says to his wife "honey, I bet you can't tell me something that makes me both happy, and sad, at the same time..."

Without almost no hesitation "you have the biggest penis, out of all of your friends."

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me?"

"Both,now get in the van."

I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.....

......They were Goodyears.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Why are microbiologists always so happy?

Because they look at the little things in life

Six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy...

So happy got out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks up to his wife and tells her to say something that makes him both happy and sad.

She thought about it for a minute and replied, “out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”

Obstacles Preventing A Happy Ever After

Tom: "When are you and your girlfriend getting married?"

Harry: "I would have a long time ago if it wasn't for her family!!"

Tom: "Her family?"

Harry: "Yes, her husband and three children."

Happy little accident

Bob Ross would be a great mafia member because he’s just make everything look like a happy little accident

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

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So happy to read that they've finally found a cure for dyslexia.

It's like music to my arse.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

Me: Dad when was the last happy moment you had?

Dad: How old are you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

A wise man once gave 2 secrets to a happy life...

1. Never give out the full information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

I'm happy to announce my new tree surgery business -

Poplar Mechanics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

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Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.

Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death...

I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?

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I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

Why is the horse so happy?

Because he lives in a stable environment.

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

One bird can't make you happy

But toucan

What happened after Snow White sat in the bath, feeling happy?

Happy got out, so she felt Grumpy.

I am a happy father of 5 unvaccinated children...

Edit: 4 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 3 unvaccinated children*

Edit: 2 unvaccinated children*

I rear-ended a car this morning. The driver got out of the other car - he was a dwarf.

He looked up at me and said, “I AM NOT HAPPY!”

So I said, “well which one are you then?”

How can you tell if a motorcyclist is happy?

By the bugs in his teeth.

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

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