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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years

Then we met.

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

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Girlfriend said she isn't happy with our sex life.

A small part of me knows why...

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them

Do you know why santa clause is always so happy?

Cause of all his ho’s

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

I'm the happy father of 5 kids and none are vaccinated!

Edit: 4 kids

Edit 2: 2 kids

Edit 3: i will have a kid in just 9 months!

What passengers were happy that the Titanic sank?

The lobsters in the kitchen.

Everyone is happy when nice things are spoken

Everyone is sad when decorum is broken

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

What do you call a happy wizard who makes eyeglasses?

Opti-Mystic

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

I am so happy they finally include US cops in CS GO

I can't wait to play as them and use an AK47.

I ran into a dwarf today with my shopping cart. I said “Oh man, are you okay?!” He said “I’m not happy!”

I said “Well which one are ya then?!”

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My husband told me today that he was happy to be 14 years older than me...

So he (64) wouldn’t be there to see me (50) becoming an old bitchy woman. I replied: ”If you’re not there anymore, why should I be bitchy?” He couldn’t answer...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

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I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervix's rendered

Why was the man at the cookout so happy?

He met the grill of his dreams.

Why are Mathematicians always so happy?

Because the root of their negativity is imaginary

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Why are same-sex couples more happy then other couples?

Because they are gay

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy birthday to me. Or, as my dad likes to say...

"Happy nine months after *my* happy birthday"

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I was feeling happy today.

Then my dumb ass browsed the news headlines.

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

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Did you hear about the musical based on Death of a Salesman that had a happy ending?

It’s called How to Succeed in Business without Willy Dying...

Jacob was a nice old farmer known for his happy chickens.

One day he dies and meets his maker. God tells him that because he took such good care of his chickens he's going to bring him back to earth as one.

So Jacob opens his eyes and he's surrounded by other chickens and straight away asks the nearest one how to lay eggs

The other chickens...

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

Happy Family

Dad: I'm divorcing your mom

Son: Hi Divorcing your mom, I'm Son

Dad: No you're not, thats why I'm divorcing her

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

Happy Easter 2020

Jesus called and said he isn't leaving the tomb until COVID 19 has passed.

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

You live, and then you die. And life is the spaceship between those two points. I’m just so happy to be on this spaceship with you guys.

Maybe that’s why they call it a friendship.

What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal?

Me. It’s me.

I've been married for 4 happy years!

Out of 10

Do you know what really makes me happy?

Dopamine

The Seven Dwarfs were in a bathtub feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

My Dad is Happy About Social Distancing

Now he has an excuse to never give me a hug. :(

Kim Jong Un must be happy with Covid-19 as there will be more food left for him.

Just kidding. All the food is for him anyway.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

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Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

Prince Charles is actually happy about getting COVID-19.

Now he doesn't have to worry if he will experience coronation.

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

Happy alentine's ay you all!

For those of you not getting the v or the d

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and heads for the back. In a couple of minutes he walks up to the bartender and says, “I’ll bet you $200 I can piss into a glass from 6 feet away and not miss a drop.” The bartender sees no possible way for this to happen, so he says, “Sure.” The man unzips his pants and misse...

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