Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.



Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy

Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Happy international woman's day.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but ya'll took too long to get ready.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

Happy National Parade Day!!!

March Fourth!!!

Told to me by my 6 y/o daughter

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier ?

I was ecstatic.

(So we're my kids, when I told them they weren't going to be grounded any more.)

My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of a happy marriage!

Coincidentally it happened to be our 30th anniversary.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Happy alentines ay!

Because I doubt any of us will be getting any V or D on the 14th

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

Why are rainbows always happy?

Because they just got out of prism.

What should you feed a ghost to make them happy?

Goulash

Happy new year to everyone

Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH

I prayed to god for my parents to be happy again.

Wait why is my hand turning to dust? What the hell is hap-

My son is such a happy boy... I recently persuaded him to swallow a flashlight...

...his face lit up.

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married...

wish to be dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Oldman

A journalist asked an old man "tell us a happy story from your life as you lived a long life"

The man said ok: back then when we were living in the village and my neighbor's cow got lost, all the village went searching, we spent a whole day searching, and when we found it we all fucked it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

What Do You Call A Happy Cowboy?

##

A jolly rancher

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

Happy Valentine's

Roses are red,.
Violets are blue.
If he's busy on Valentine's,
The side-piece is you!

Those roses smell lovely,
But the stems have a prick.
Her excuse may well sound good,
But she'll be getting some ________

I was so happy I didn't miss my cake day this year

It nearly brought me to tiers

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f...

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat what ever bugs them.

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to...

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays and a Joyous A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z to everyone.

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it, kids weren't happy

They loved that cat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m no longer a 32 year old virgin!

Happy birthday to me!...

::sniffle::

I was so happy when I finally found a great ghostwriter for a book I'd like to write.

It didn't work out though because the pen kept falling through its fingers.

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner

A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Jesus! Men these days complain about paying £50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mum, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty...

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

Happy Year of the Ox ...

what a bunch of bull.

How do dolphins become happy?

They produce endolphins!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kill someone for a man, and make him happy for the day.

Teach a man to kill, and try to never piss him off.

Happy December 32nd!

Trump just filed a suit to officially make December four years long.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Happy* new year 2021

*Subject to availability of vaccine

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is sex without love and love without sex.

And then there's us with neither.

Happy Valentine's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I imagine doing a massive shit is a lot like giving birth;

You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.

I took my daughter to the park yesterday. Everything was going fine until we got to one particular ride. First she happy, then she was sad, then she was unbelievably angry...

Those were some crazy mood swings.

Maybe I am happy

Just asymptomatic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

Why was zero happy about the victory?

Because 0 1 2

I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days!

Not in a row or anything. Just total.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

I had a really happy childhood.

My Dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

Those were the Goodyears..............

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

What do you call a happy German kid?

Kinder joy.

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