UPJOKE
thoughtbrainideacognitionperceptionintellectmemoryemotionsoulpsycheconsciousnessphilosophydualismnouspsychology

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDr...

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

A bald guy is minding his own business.

An obnoxious drunk comes up to him, rubs his head and says “your head feel’s just like my wife’s ass”. The bald guy feels his own head and says, “hey, you’re right!”

My wife asked if I minded if she bought a little French maid outfit

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was s...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

Great minds think alike

But two idiots seldom differ

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Mind your business....

A young kid was eating candy and older guy says , you shouldn't be eating candy, kid says my grandpa lived to be 105 years old.... guy says did he eat candy every day ... kid says no ..... he minded his own f'n business.

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I was approached by a beautiful woman in Thailand and she kept saying “Small penis, don’t mind, small penis, don’t mind”

I would’ve preferred her not to have had a penis at all but oh well.

What will be running through the mind of a person who's suffocating??

Definitely not oxygen.

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

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Presence of mind helps

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs
were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said
"An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg o...

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

If a man speaks his mind in the forest and no woman hears him...

...is he still wrong?

Who are the most open-minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield, William McKinley, and John F. Kennedy

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One-Track Mind

My wife has a one-track mind. All she ever thinks about is anything but sex.

I didn't mind that my Dad came out saying he wants to be a woman

At least he's transparent about it.

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

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When an insect hits your windshield at 75 MPH, what is the last thing that goes through its’ mind ?

Its’ asshole

I found out recently that I can read minds.

So far, only mine, but I am still new to this thing.

While furniture shopping I came across a really nice bed, but I couldn't make up my mind whether or not to get it...

I figured I'd sleep on it.

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Mind Your Words...

In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...

Did you all hear about the mind controlled air-freshener that Febreze is developing?

It's a bit crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.

three brainteasers to sharpen your mind

**Q1 : how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in three steps ?**

Answer :

1. you open the refrigerator
2. you put the elephant in
3. you close the refrigerator

**Q2 : how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in four steps ?** ...

For our anniversary I asked my wife if she'd mind spicing things up by wearing a catsuit and trying something new.

So if anyone wants to know what it's like to be pegged by Tony the Tiger, ask away.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

I don't mind if a woman has cellulite.

Why should her phone service matter?

The World Health Organization has your best interests in mind....

WHO cares

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

What kind of bee can't make up its mind?

A maybe!

Mind your own business

A guy was walking past a mental hospital, when he heard all the patients shouting "13...13...13..."

Curious as to what was going on, he tried to look over the wooden fence, but it was too high. Spotting a small gap between the planks, he looked through and was suddenly poked in the eye by one...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

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The mind of man

Do you believe men think with their dick?

Yeah? Want to blow my mind?

A joke from "mind your language"

teacher : \[when you're sick\] you go to the doctor

Spanish student : no, no doctor, doctor killed my uncle in Madrid

\-really ?

\-si, my uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor, doctor he listen and say "it's all right", t...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

I have powerful mind control abilities

I can, over unlimited distances, make people experience the feeling of my choice.

I'm using it on you right now.

I am making you feel...

I am making you feel...



Skeptical!

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

"I've changed my mind"

"Good, lets hope this one works better"

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Never underestimate the ability of someone with a one track mind

To lose his train of thought.

Ba dum tiss.

Winning the hearts and minds of the people

An old CCP euphemism for organ harvesting.

People say I'm crazy for trying to invent a mind-controlled air freshener...

but it makes scents when you think about it.

Apparently geniuses are absent-minded.

Add optional body text

Your mind is like Chrome

13 open tabs, 3 frozen. And you don’t know where the music is coming from

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

What can get your mind off of a migraine?

A flamethrower

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

A lady gives her maid notice, so the maid decides to speak her mind 'You need to know, I am a better cook, cleaner, more attractive and better in bed than you' The lady is outraged and screams 'How dare you insinuate my husband says such things!'

'I didn't' says the maid 'The gardener does'

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29,

my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

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I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis

I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?

That's where I draw the line.

Still haven't gotten over Norm's passing, need something to take my mind off it.

Meet me under the Queensborough Bridge

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

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(NSFW) A man reads that the subconscious mind is most easily influenced during orgasm...

He tells his wife about it, and they agree to try an experiment.

That night while having sex, just as they are both orgasming, the man whispers into his wife's ear, "You are beautiful."

The next day, the wife remarks that she feels incredibly beautiful.

Success! They decide to ...

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

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( Nsfw )i am iraqi and ill translate a joke my brother told me plz dont mind the bad grammer

A guy who lives in the countryside one day went to the city and he saw how diffrent things are there
In the city he meet some people and one of them told him about blow jobs and how it happens
So after he went back he told his wife to feed the kids
She did
He told her to make the kid...

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A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

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That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

What is it called when your professor teaches you about the mind?

A mental breakdown

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I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.

I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers.

A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you.

The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, “what do you do with this massive amount of peaches”

The farmer replies ‘well we sell what we can, and what we can’t we can.’

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I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?

My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to!

Me: I know.
Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.
Me: I know.

(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

What's the last thing that goes through a bumblebee's mind as it hits the car windscreen at 60mph?

Its bum

What was the last thing that went through Joseph Stalin’s mind before he died?

A blood clot

Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies...

But he's never gonna give you Up.

Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's?

A woman changes hers more often.

My dad always used to tell me "there's never a wrong time to speak your mind"

Admirable man.

Terrible mime.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

I don't mind being divorced.

But I'd rather be widowed.

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

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I have an old soul, the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child and the body of a stripper.

And that completes my basement collection of human body parts.

Wife - I have changed my mind.

Husband - Have you gotten a working one now?

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When the mosquito flew head first into a brick wall, what was the last thing that went through his mind?

His ass.

My mind is like a steel trap

I can use it once and then I have to reset it.

This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind...

I hear it's not even a real airport!

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

What do you call a entitled mother who's always out of her mind?

Karenoid.

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

You can't argue with dumb people, change my mind

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

Me: Mom! I moved a thing with my mind

My mom: And what was that honey?

Me: smirks

Also me: my arm

I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction

Now he does my bidding

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

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