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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

I gave a zombie a piece of my mind today.

He thought it was delicious.

My wife doesn't mind me flirting with other women.

She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

Make up your minds

People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you send kids to concentration camps. Damn Liberals. Make up your damn minds.

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

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What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

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Oral sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

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Get yer mind outta the gutter...

If you took every woman on earth and lined them up next to each other completely naked how could you tell which one was Eve?

She was the one without a belly button!

What was the last thing that went through the sky diver's mind when his parachute failed?

His feet.

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

My wife admitted today that she doesn’t mind if I have a small unit ...

... she said it’s the little things she loves about me.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

How do you blow an anti vaxxers mind?

Invent the cure for autism

Terrorists are mind-blowing

Literally.

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What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? NSFW

Its asshole.

Every day I like to fill my kids' minds with a sense of wonder.

Like "I wonder who my Dad is?"

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

I had a friend who was bored out of his mind at work.

No ones really quite sure how the freak drill-press accident happened.

What do you call a robot that can read your mind?

A psyborg.

What goes through someone's mind when jumping to their death?

Their spine.

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

A mind reader walks into a bar.

"Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.

"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.

(This was redone because of a wrong title)

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl Answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!! All the pple in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed. After minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, ...

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

I wouldn't mind raising a vaccine-free child.

18 years seems like a long commitment, but I think I could handle 4.

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

I have the power to read minds.

But only my own.

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An attractive, but disturbed woman stands at the edge of a cliff. As she peers over the edge, she feels there's someone watching her. Just as she suspected, there's a homeless man staring at her. He asks, "If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you mind if we have sex first?"

She tells him to piss off and to leave her alone. Clearly upset, the man mumbles to himself, "Fine, I'll just wait at the bottom."

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

wife : i have changed my mind ...

husband : does the new one work ??!

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I have not made my mind up about masturbation.

Because on one hand it feels good.

You know what's been at the back of my mind lately?

My occipital lobe

The barber next door just got arrested for selling drugs I was a customer for years it blew my mind

I had no idea he was a barber

Get your mind out of the gutter

Friend: "Get your mind out of the gutter"

Me: "I can't"

Friend: "Why not?"

Me: "It's too far in"

Me again: "That's what she said"

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

Aristotle has long been regarded for his philosophical mind.

But it's too bad his theory of inertia never really gained momentum.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A Maybe.

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

Your mind is like Chrome

13 open tabs, 3 frozen. And you don’t know where the music is coming from

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

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Common! Just have one drink, she won't mind.

These two coworkers are talking and the one invites the other for a drink. "No, I can't. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore." says the one. "Just come along and have one drink, one drink." says the other and the one finally agrees.

They get to the bar and have a drink and shoot a game o...

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A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..

A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him an ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.

“Ma...

I started jacking off to my mind.

But eventually i came to my senses.

I used to have an open mind

but my brains kept falling out.

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A couple of sub-par jokes.

Chris returned home after a long day out on the course. Upon walking through the door, he was greeted by his wife, who asked about his game.

"Oh honey, it was awful," sighed Chris. "Glen- you know Glen; Trish's husband?- he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the second hole."

"My G...

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