A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

I had a friend who was bored out of his mind at work.

No ones really quite sure how the freak drill-press accident happened.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

Terrorists are mind-blowing

Literally.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

How do you blow an anti vaxxers mind?

Invent the cure for autism

Every day I like to fill my kids' minds with a sense of wonder.

Like "I wonder who my Dad is?"

What goes through someone's mind when jumping to their death?

Their spine.

A mind reader walks into a bar.

"Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.

"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.

(This was redone because of a wrong title)

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

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What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? NSFW

Its asshole.

I wouldn't mind raising a vaccine-free child.

18 years seems like a long commitment, but I think I could handle 4.

What do you call a robot that can read your mind?

A psyborg.

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

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Remember, regular sex keeps the mind active and the memory in tip-top condition.

I wish everyone a happy 2016!

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl Answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!! All the pple in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed. After minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, ...

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

wife : i have changed my mind ...

husband : does the new one work ??!

I can't make up my mind on elevator jokes

They're pretty up and down

I have the power to read minds.

But only my own.

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

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An attractive, but disturbed woman stands at the edge of a cliff. As she peers over the edge, she feels there's someone watching her. Just as she suspected, there's a homeless man staring at her. He asks, "If you're going to kill yourself anyway, you mind if we have sex first?"

She tells him to piss off and to leave her alone. Clearly upset, the man mumbles to himself, "Fine, I'll just wait at the bottom."

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

Get your mind out of the gutter

Friend: "Get your mind out of the gutter"

Me: "I can't"

Friend: "Why not?"

Me: "It's too far in"

Me again: "That's what she said"

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

You know what's been at the back of my mind lately?

My occipital lobe

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

I was going to have a brain transplant...

...but I had a change of mind.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Aristotle has long been regarded for his philosophical mind.

But it's too bad his theory of inertia never really gained momentum.

At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

What do you call a mind reading satnav?

A Tell-a-path

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Common! Just have one drink, she won't mind.

These two coworkers are talking and the one invites the other for a drink. "No, I can't. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore." says the one. "Just come along and have one drink, one drink." says the other and the one finally agrees.

They get to the bar and have a drink and shoot a game o...

What is the power to move sea birds with your mind called?

Pelicanesis

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

Your mind is like Chrome

13 open tabs, 3 frozen. And you don’t know where the music is coming from

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I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple of sub-par jokes.

Chris returned home after a long day out on the course. Upon walking through the door, he was greeted by his wife, who asked about his game.

"Oh honey, it was awful," sighed Chris. "Glen- you know Glen; Trish's husband?- he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the second hole."

"My G...

I kinda don't mind my wife buying clothes so cheap.

All her clothes are usually more than 50% off.

I used to have an open mind

but my brains kept falling out.

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"Hey, I got something that will blow your mind!" the lady said to the man...

"No shit, that's why I hired a psychic prostitute."

Two great minds thinking alike is always productive

Except when they are trying to call each other

When my girlfriend says something racist, only one thing goes through my mind.

Why did I even imagine her?

The human mind is so amazing!

It starts working the day you were born and only stops when you get married...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy with a lisp just blew my mind and gut with this joke; we were at the gym and he walks up and asks nonchalantly: “Is your butt thore?”

“Because I’ll be your Ass-guardian.”

I started jacking off to my mind.

But eventually i came to my senses.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”


The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

I don’t mind camo print clothing...

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

A few numbers were on a field trip (dont mind my character choice)....

...when they stopped to admire the view and take a rest for a bit.

Four, being a good painter, decides to spend the break by painting some things. But instead of painting the view, he paints the beautiful pickup truck they have been riding on.

After he finished, he realized how well ma...

I don't mind women breastfeeding in public...

But I hate it when they get offended when I wink at them and ask for a taste.

My girlfriend asked me if I would mind if she lost the end of her foot

I said "Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant."

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “if you don’t mind I’d like to have a second opinion.”

He said “Alright. You’re ugly too!”

Someone once told me it's okay to change your mind in light of new facts.

I used to think that.

You’re losing your mind if you forget to zip your fly after using the bathroom.

You’ve lost your mind if you forget to unzip your fly *before* using the bathroom

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"To a great mind, nothing is little" - Sherlock Holmes

Therefore, my dick isn't tiny. Bitches are just too dumb for it.

Did you hear about the honest, trustworthy politician that recently had his constituents best interests in mind?

Me neither.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Presence of mind helps

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs
were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said
"An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

I really wish my five year old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a tree house in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…

Took me twenty years to grow that thing!