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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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I mostly don’t mind having a penis

But it can be hard at times.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

Want a mind-blowing game?

Let's play Russian Roulette

You know a great mind blowing game

Russian roulette

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

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Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness? Me: I speak my mind Interviewer: I don’t see that as a weakness

Me: I don’t give a fuck what you think

Never mind, just one.

It takes two people to build a time machine.

There are three friends: Shutup, Mind and Troublez.

There are three friends: Shutup, Mind and Troublez.
Each one named according to their personality.

One day, while playing in the playground - Troublez goes missing.
Shutup and Mind decided to go to the police station.
Mind is tired and sits outside on the bench.
Shutup goe...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I don’t mind having cold nipples

It has its perks

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

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Changed my mind

When I was like 6-7 I thought that people are being delivered through the anus.


Then at school I learned the difference between the man/woman anatomy and learned that people are being delivered through the vagina.


Being an adult I learned that a good % of people were nonet...

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

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At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"

"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

I thought about going island hopping in Greece. Then I changed my mind.

...just Kos.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery

A Restless Mind..

‪Me: ‬
‪Hello darkness my old friend‬

‪Darkness: ‬
‪New phone who’s this.. ‬

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What's the last thing that goes through a skydiver's mind when his parachute fails to open?

His ass.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

MiNd BlOwN

6x9 + 6 + 9 = 69

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were shouting “13...13...13.”

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting “14...

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(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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I haven't made up my mind about masturbation yet

On the one hand it feels good...

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

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A man inherits a small fortune and vacations in the LA nightlife where he meets a gorgeous young woman.

He asks her out for a night on the town with him and she says:

"You can't afford me."

"Try me, how much for a strip show?" He replies.

"$10,000 dollars even." she says.

"You can't be serious?!" He proclaims.

"Let's take a walk outside." She replies. He agrees and t...

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

My mind is like Internet Explorer

I don't use Internet Explorer.

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storm...

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

Did you know I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind.

Takes quite a white though.

Gary left his family to go to the war. What crossed his mind when he was in the trenches?

A bullet.

A friend asked if I minded if he smoked

I've got one arm and replied: "no of course not I'm not affected by 2nd hand smoke"

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

Teach me how to read minds!

Said an earnest man to a local psychic. "Okay then, follow me." They both go into a house and then into a dark room. "Quickly now, drop your pants, turn around and bend over." "Wait a minute! You want to take advantage of me!" "You are learning already!"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got...

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"You know what the problem is."

What do you call an oak tree that can't make it's mind up?

Undeciduous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

Why did I get a divorce?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t even say anything to me. My kids forgot too. I got to work and my friends and co-workers said nothing. I felt so alone and forgotten, until my secretary came up to me and said “happy birthday boss, can I take you to lunch for your special day?” It s...

Today’s kids can never make up there minds

My son just asked me to make him a bookshelf and now he is complaining about the books hurting his back

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

This mindfulness app is taking a long time to download

It’s really stressing me out...I should really meditate or something.

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Read the following word aloud: MINDS

Did you do it? Congratulations... you can read minds...

I think JFK was the most open minded president.

His ideas weren't very bulletproof though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. ....

"One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking i...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

Me: “Nice dog!”

Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

Me: “Still in training, huh?”

Policeman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Never mind”

Money-Minded Lawyer

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "Sir, may I know how much you charge for a case or lawsuit?"

"A hundred dollars for every 3 questions," said the lawyer.

"What the heck? Isn't that really expensive?" the man asked.

"Yes, and what is your 3rd question?" the lawyer r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I paid a physic prostitute last night

She blew my mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

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School

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain ...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"


The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, to...

The first rule is passive aggressive club is:

You know what, never mind, it’s fine.

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

Fred and Mary got married,

but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "N...

Bear in mind,

some pandas are telepathic.

Imagine a Condom that’s 100% safe..

Actually, never mind. That’s inconceivable.

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A priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train

At one point, the priest asks the rabbi: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve often wondered if you've ever tried bacon” The rabbi admitted: “Well, I did once, out of curiosity many years ago, but never again” The priest smiled kindly: “I understand, old friend. Your secret’s safe with me” A f...

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

I left my girlfriend when I saw her trying to pop holes in one of my condoms with a needle.

I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't been wearing it at the time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me money-minded.

That would be great.

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My girlfriend told me that I always think with my dick.

She blew my mind.

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What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

I overheard two people talking about a girl who can control things with her mind

I asked my friend what he thought

He said he’s seen stranger things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Last night i took girl to my house..

..as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your ass?" She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?" I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

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Dave worked in a pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the mango slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Dave to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any pea...

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a pro...

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The wife was crying after the greatest mind blowing sex ever.

I guess I shouldn't have called and told her about it.

The hotel walls were so thin you could...

hear the people next door changing their minds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An usual conversation on Tinder

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your tiddies?

W: Sure, send me 20$

Sending money.

M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?

W: No problems, send another 50$

After a while.

M: Damn, awesome. You wouldn’t mi...

Two women were sitting quietly together...

minding their own business.

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

I just found out my girlfriend has an STD but she wants to keep it, how do I change her mind?

Please Reddit, I really don't want a kid

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos

I had to put my foot down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

So i have been married to a somewhat prickly woman when she's either hungry, or tired. However, i love her for who she is, and i have been able to persevere through all of it.

One day, she asked me how i calm my mind and face her with dignity, compassion and love as a husband.

I answered, "i always clean the toilet when i am emotionally disturbed."

"But how is cleaning the toilet calms your mind?" She asked.

"I use your toothbrush. "

Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

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One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady complains to her best friend that she is not getting satisfied at home

\- "I even can't remember when was the last time we had it. I am losing my mind."

\- "My husband stopped having sex with me long time ago too. But I found a replacement"

\- "How? Tell me more about it."

\- "Well, whenever I feel like having it, I just call plumbers. By the time ...

Your dirty minded

Him: Ok, I’m going to pull it out now.

Her: This is scary because it’s my first time.

He slowly starts to pull it out.

Her: *Screams*

Then the dentist yanks it out and says: Congratulations! You just got your first tooth pulled out!

Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

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