This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn’t remember what that character was called so I sign to her, “What’s that character’s name?”

“Edward,” says her hands.

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Man to his gf: "are three fingers too much?"

Her:"not at all, most people have ten!"

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers.

"Five beers, please," he says.

They say when you point the finger, three fingers are pointing back at you.

That's why I always accuse people with my full erection. Checkmate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

I told a woman that I liked her hair and asked if I could run my fingers through it. She said yes.

The fight started after I stroked her upper lip

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasso.

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

My cousin has 9 fingers.

That's odd.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I'd like to give a thank you to my fingers.

I always know I can count on them.

Today at the gym I found a hole in my trainer large enough to stuck my finger through.

She's pressing charges.

She rolled over and looked at me very seductively and said "I want you to make me scream by using your fingers"....

So I poked her in the eye.

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on my fingers

Fourteen

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

I was loudly advertising my Hawaiian finger-food stand in a public place and everybody started running away - wtf...

"Aloha Snackbar!" "Aloha Snackbar!"

What do Kermit's fingers smell of?

Bacon

Why can't you trust people without fingers?

they can't be counted on.

&#x200B;

Sorry if this isn't OC.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I...

What do you call an amputated finger?

Disposable thumb

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to tell her parents a joke. I said, pull my finger and then shit all over myself. They didn't laugh.

Guess they don't get my self-defecating sense of humor.

Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?

He writes everything in shorthand now

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

What did the finger say to the other finger?

I am in glove with you

What do you about family members with sticky fingers?

You wash your hands of them.

This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you t...

ALWAYS BRING THE FINGERS

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"

"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.

The injur...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut.

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

I trust my fingers

I can count on them.

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

I called my wife to tell her that I’d lost my finger in a construction accident.

“The whole finger?” she asks.

“No, the one next to it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.

As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himsel...

"Tell me what you want," I whispered to her as I put my fingers on her c string. She moaned,

"I want my viola back"




Then you wake up, because no self respecting person would ever want a viola.

So my best friend had his index finger amputated in an accident.

That’s dis-a-pointing.

I was in bed with a girl the other night, and all of a sudden she yells "HEY, NO FINGERS UP THE ASS"

So I replied "well, it's my finger and my ass, you don't have a say in the matter, lady"

Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger.

I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.

My wife got a kitkat the other day and I stole a finger. Today she grabbed one of mine..

I guess it was Kit for Kat

Best part about finger blasting a gypsie?

Get your palms red for free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

If you lose your fingers your girlfriend basically turns into a truck with no battery...

You can’t turn her on so she demands to be toed.

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

You could say that I've been blessed with green fingers

Or you could say I pick my nose far too much.

Fingers turn me on

It's not easy being a light switch

I just accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together, and at first started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

What is it called, when you swipe your phone screen really gently with your finger?

Tinderness.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor put his finger up my butt at my appointment today.

Worst. Dentist. Ever.

A man cut off his finger at work

He called his wife and said “honey, I just cut my finger off at work”
She replied “your whole finger?!”
“Thankfully no, the one next to it.”

What did the blind man say when he ran his fingers over a cheese grater?

"this is the most violent book I've ever read"

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger....

A small boy gets a splinter in his finger and goes running to his parents and demands a glass of cider. After a while they give in and give the boy the cider. He puts his finger in but he cries as it hurts and doesn’t get rid of the splinter. Curious his parents asks him why he did that and he said ...

Did you hear about the nervous cannibal who chewed his fingers off?

He threw his hands up in disgust.

What do people who bite their fingers say to intimidate people?

I’m not scared of you, I eat nails for breakfast every day!

I found a hole in one of my trainers at the gym today, so i put my finger in it.

She reported me and I got banned for life.

It's impossible for the knuckle of your ring finger and the knuckle of your index finger to touch while giving the bird

Haha. I just made you flick yourself off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Idiot is always an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil starte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

A woman and her finger

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again...

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneaded a poo.

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's something I like about you, I just can't put my finger on it...

Because it would be sexual harassment.