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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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What happens when a pianist fingers the wrong minor

The police cums

Why is no one talking about fingers?

Because they are a touchy subject.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

I got into an accident and was shocked when the doctor to.d me my fingers were broken.

It was really hard to grasp.

I Broke My Finger Last week

On The Other hand, I'm Okay.

Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers

And says "5 pints of beer please"

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period the other day....

Her Dad walked in and caught me red handed

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

My friend asked me about getting fisted by a man with no fingers

Needless to say, I was stumped.

What is the difference between the US and your fingers?

You can count on your fingers.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

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I went to the gym and notice a small hole in my trainer just big enough to get a finger in

So long story short he's now filing for sexual assault.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on?

A palm tree.

"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

I accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together.

At first, I panicked. Then I realized that it was always going to be okay.

I got fired from the pickle factory for putting my finger in the pickle slicer.

....she got fired too.

I love Dad jokes, like when he tells you to pull his finger

Then like 30-40 tugs later you’re like “Hey th-that’s not your finger!”

LOL good one Dad.

On the one hand, we have different fingers.

But on the other hand, they’re pretty much the same.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

Thank god for fingers

You can always count on them

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

A horse walks into a bar and all the stunned bartender can think to do is point a finger at him and say "Hey"

The horse says " yes, make it a double."

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

- Mel Brooks

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#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I went to my gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in!

Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life

You can prick your finger

But never finger your prick!

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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Stick your finger inside me, she said.

"Now stick your other finger in!"

I did.

"Now stick your whole hand in!"

I did.

"Now stick your other hand in! "

I did.

"Now clap!"

"I can't?", I said.

"See, told ya' I was fuckin' tight!"

By the grace of God and these two fingers

There was once a woman who was married to a man who would make extremely loud and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up. Every time he did so, the woman was disgusted and told him, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out!"

One morning the woman got up early to co...

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

I yelled “COW!” At a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried.

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electricity outlet?

To be honest, it Hertz.

After a skiing accident, this guy goes to the doctor to get treated.

He walks up to the doctor and stays: « doctor, I need your help. Whenever I touch my leg it hurts. When I touch my upper arm, it also hurts a lot. And lastly when I touch my right toenail, I get a burning sensation. What do you think ? »

After much thought and examining, the doctor turns arou...

A man is in a hospital bed in complete agony...

The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt"

The Man says "everywhere, absolutely everywhere, I'm at my wits end, whenever I touch any part it hurts a lot!"

The doctor asks the man to point out the places the pain radiates from.

So the man pokes his knee, screaming as h...

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

My girlfriend is too tight

I know something is wrong but I just cant put my finger in it

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Ladies, what is it lately with the finger in the guy's butt?

And why does it cost $50?

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

How do you know when a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get your fingers between their neck and the noose.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*

P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

Why did the guitarist get arrested?

He was caught fingering A minor.

If I had a nickel every time someone asked if I was from Alabama...

I could afford to have these extra fingers removed.

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

What’s the last thing you want to hear during a prostate exam?

“Pull my finger”

Three men were at the gates of heaven

There was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.

Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man ha...

Why doesn’t KFC have toilet paper?

Because it’s finger licking good.

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

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A man arrives in heaven...

A man arrives in heaven and St. Peter asks him how he died.

"I came home from work early," the man says, "because I suspected my wife was having an affair."

"Sure enough, there she was in bed naked, obviously caught in the act. She was alone, but I knew her lover had to be close by. T...

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Confucius say...

...man with itchy asshole have stinky fingers.


...man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.


...baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls not walk.


...man who fart in church sit in own pew.


(Feel free to add more)

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Three priests we’re traveling to Pittsburgh

The leader says to the first priest, take this money to the counter and get us three tickets to Pittsburgh and get the change in nickels and dimes.

The first priest heads to the counter and sees an absolutely stunning beautiful girl - wearing a tight thin t-shirt that reveals very clearly he...

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A restaurant owners walks down the street and hears a homeless guy playing a guitar

He’s stunned by how beautiful his song is. It’s amazing; serene, gentle and uplifting.

He decides he wants to have the homeless guy play in his restaurant so he approaches him and asks for the name of the song.

The homeless guy tells him the song is called ‘Big Titty Mama’.

The...

I'm positive that there's something slightly off about the sound of this theremin...

...but I just can't put my finger on it.

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

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I asked my wife for anal the other day. She was insulted and angrily gave me the finger

I couldn't walk properly the next day

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