Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?

Because it's finger lickin' good.

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

When I was 17 I got fired from my job at the local Pickle Factory for sticking my finger in the pickle slicer

Worst part is, she got fired too.

I accidentally super-glued my thumb & index finger together.

At first, I panicked. Then I realized that it was always going to be okay.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?.............

Someone cut off 8 of my fingers...

But I'm glad to report my typing speed is unaffected

(Credits to Mitch Hedberg)

My neighbor's little son asked me where you find giant snails?

I tried to blind him with science.

“Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …”

Turns out the answer was ‘On giant’s fingers’.

Man calls his wife from the hospital.

"Honey, I cut off my finger."

"The whole finger?" she asks.

"No, the one next to it.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand I’m okay

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

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A young, attractive lady comes back from a house party.

Let's call her Jessica. Unfortunately, Jessica's face is now well wept. Her mother catches her with cum on her face, and begins to sob hysterically: "After I did everything to raise you as a good catholic girl, what the hell i this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through after your father lef...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

Whats small, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermits finger

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I went to the gym and notice a small hole in my trainer just big enough to get a finger in

So long story short he's now filing for sexual assault.

On what kind of tree do fingers grow on?

On a palm tree

A thanksgiving joke

Aman and a woman had been married for several years, and every morning, the man would fart extremely loud, like shake the whole house loud. His wife always told him that one day his guts would fall out, and that he should visit a doctor. He shrugged it off and didn’t worry at all. So on thanksgivi...

Did you know Jeffery Epstien was an accomplished guitar player?

He was especially good at fingering A minor.

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

A deaf man and his interpreter walk into a bar ...

A deaf man and his interpreter walk into a bar.

The bartender says "How many drinks can I get you?"

The deaf man holds up three fingers and his interpreter says "Six".

A man went to the doctor to ask about his condition.

He said, "when I place my hand on my chest, I feel so much pain. When I touch my stomach, it becomes unbearable. When I hold my throat, it's just worse. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor answered, "Ah, you seem to have broken fingers."

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says,

“Five beers please.”

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During my first prostate exam, I've grabbed the doctor's penis

\-What the hell are you doing!?

Asked the doctor, to wich I answered:

\-Making sure it's really your finger that you use.

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A rich business man goes fishing....

... he has all the newest gear, brand new top quality rods, beautifully handcrafted lures and he sits at the side of the river enjoying his peace. Sadly though after a few hours he still has not caught a single fish. Just as he ponders to retire for the day another man approaches the river not very ...

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

- Mel Brooks

A horse walks into a bar and all the stunned bartender can think to do is point a finger at him and say "Hey"

The horse says " yes, make it a double."

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The Desert, a Camel, and Chapped Lips

A man is trekking across the Arabian desert with a guide and his camel.



After some time walking through the blistering heat and blowing sand, the man began to notice his lips were getting chapped. Not to be deterred, the man pushed forward, wetting his own lips with his tongue. As t...

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Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with t...

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NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

Why did the music teacher get arrested

For fingering A minor

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

(also this is not my joke I just thought it was good)

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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A guy opens a restaurant in a new city

He comes to meet the small grocery stores and meets the lady :

I need dog food. It's for my dog.

The lady refuses at first, and tells him she wants to see the dog to be sure he won't give the dog food to his customers. The guys leaves, comes back with a dog, and the lady, angrily, give...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

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A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

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That scene in Pulp Fiction

where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Why was the element Astatine made?

Cover it with your finger in the periodic table and watch what happens.

A man goes to the Doctor for a prostate exam.

The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and the man bends down. The Doctor sticks his finger and proceeds with the checkup. After about a minute the Doctor says:

\- Don't worry, it's very normal to get an erection during this exam.

The man replies:

\- But I don't have an erection....

I once knew a guy whose parents were from Chernobyl

On the one hand, he was friendly but on the other hand, he was quite clingy. But on the third hand, he had eight fingers.

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So a Cruise Ship Sinks...

So a cruise ship sinks in the middle of the pacific and three guys find themselves stranded on a desert island after being adrift in a life raft for a week.

After being on the island for a couple days a plane flies overhead and sees their SOS on the beach. With their supplies almost exhauste...

Grandpa told me this

Guy lost his finger in a work accident

His wife was telling her friend about it

The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"

The wife replied "no, the one next to it"

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

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These guys are going hunting

They're sitting around a campfire drinking and drinking. They go out and kill a deer, they bring it back to clean and gut it. They drink some more. A little while later one of the guys stands up, and says, "I've got to take a shit." So he goes off into the woods but doesn't come back for a while. Hi...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minute...

I went to my gym last week and I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in!

Anyway, she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life

You can prick your finger

But never finger your prick!

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Stick your finger inside me, she said.

"Now stick your other finger in!"

I did.

"Now stick your whole hand in!"

I did.

"Now stick your other hand in! "

I did.

"Now clap!"

"I can't?", I said.

"See, told ya' I was fuckin' tight!"

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Only 4 fingers

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she...

Do girls actually enjoy being fingered or is that just a myth?

Depends if you know the difference between summoning a genie and stuffing a chicken

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electricity outlet?

To be honest, it Hertz.

What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her rag?

You get your palm red for free

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

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Ladies, what is it lately with the finger in the guy's butt?

And why does it cost $50?

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes...

The harsh pain of rheumatoid arthritis

I yelled “COW!” At a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried.

Security saw me fingering my girlfriend while on her period in the movie house.

I guess I was caught red handed.

What do you get if you finger a gypsy on her period.

Your palms red for free.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

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It's so cute when those little fingers can only grab your finger.

It was nice meeting Peter Dinklage.

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*

P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

When I woke up from my accident, I was devastated when the doctors told me I had broken all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

My fingers are my best friends

I can always count on them

What do you call the top candidates for fake chicken fingers?

Con-tenders.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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I asked my wife for anal the other day. She was insulted and angrily gave me the finger

I couldn't walk properly the next day

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