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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

I broke my finger last week,

On the other hand, I’m okay

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

A Roman walked into a bar and held up two fingers.

He told the bartender, "five beers please"

You can prick your finger

But never finger your prick!

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electricity outlet?

To be honest, it Hertz.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged a...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

What has one finger and is very demanding?

A ransom note.

What tree grows fingers?

A Palm tree

I rang my wife, "Hey babe, I'm at the hospital, I cut off my finger." "Oh no, the whole finger?" she asked.

"No, no..." I replied, "the one next to it."

One day in a factory accident, one of the workers gets all 10 of his fingers cut off.

They rush him to the emergency room.

Doctor: Don't worry, we can reattach your fingers. Where are they?
Worker: They're back at the factory.
Doctor: What!? Why didn't you bring them?
Worker: I couldn't pick them up!

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Ladies, what is it lately with the finger in the guy's butt?

And why does it cost $50?

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

A Roman centurion, in a noisy saloon, walks up to the bartender holding up two fingers and says loudly

"5 beers please".

“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

What do Jamaicans call their fingers?

*Digimons*

P.S. my wife wanted a divorce after this one

I yelled “COW!” At a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow. I tried.

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

What do you get if you finger a gypsy on her period.

Your palms red for free.

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

When I woke up from my accident, I was devastated when the doctors told me I had broken all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

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A blond goes to the doctor....

And says "I can't figure out what's wrong with me. When I touch my head it hurts, when I touch my boob it hurts, and when I touch my foot it hurts."

To which the doctor replies "ma'am I think you've broken your finger"

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

What starts with an 'F' and ends with a 'k' and if you don't find it, you use your fingers.

A fork.

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

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It's so cute when those little fingers can only grab your finger.

It was nice meeting Peter Dinklage.

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

What do you call the top candidates for fake chicken fingers?

Con-tenders.

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I asked my wife for anal the other day. She was insulted and angrily gave me the finger

I couldn't walk properly the next day

My daughter woke me

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read while I fell fast asleep watching the Giants game.

"Daddy," she whispered, while tugging my shirt sle...

Every time my wife asks whether the kids want fish fingers

I have to respond by saying "I didn't even know fish had fingers". I try to stop but I just can't.

Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

You know what they say about guys with fat fingers? 😈

Mroe tpyos.

What's a cannibals favorite appetizer?

Finger food.

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

My friend just told me this long and winding story about how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident.

It was a bit pointless.

My blind friend couldn't tell how many fingers I was holding up.

How senseless of him.

My fingers are my best friends

I can always count on them

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

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Me: Counting on my fingers

Bouncer: I just asked you for your age.

Me: Can you shut the fuck up for a second.

I'd like to give a thank you to my fingers.

I always know I can count on them.

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A guy with two dicks goes to the doctor with his middle finger held in his fist.

When the doctor asks he replies, "because a bird in hand is worth more than two in the bush!"

What has five fingers and isn't your hand?

My hand.

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

What do Kermit's fingers smell of?

Bacon

Man to his gf: "are three fingers too much?"

Her:"not at all, most people have ten!"

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In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

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My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

They say when you point the finger, three fingers are pointing back at you.

That's why I always accuse people with my full erection. Checkmate.

What's green and difficult to see through?

What's green and difficult to see through?

>!Kermit the fog!<


What's green and runs?

>!Kermit the jog!<


What's green and written once a week?

>!Kermit the blog!<


What's green and made of wood?

>!Kermit the log!<
...

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After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasso.

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

A woman said if you want to finger me take off your ring?

I don't have a a ring I have a watch

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How do you know a bum has a girlfriend?

Because he has 2 clean fingers.

If you cross your finger after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Why did the middle finger get mad at the thumb?

We don't know. It just snapped.

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

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