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Feelings Jokes

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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Guys, if you have feelings of inadequacy due to your penis size, know that you are not alone

The women you've been with also feel your penis was inadequate

Why do physicists never share their feelings?

Because their feelings have no matter.

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After on...

I am a sea of feelings.

An emocean.

What flows through Ukraine and doesn't care about your feelings?

Crimea River

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Occasionally, I get really strong feelings to go have sex in the ocean...

...comes in waves.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

Men have feelings too.

For example, sometimes we feel hungry.

Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Feelings are like hemorrhoids

They need to be pushed back in

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Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

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(NSFW) Sex and feelings

A man was brought before a Judge and was charged with NECROPHILIA.(having sex with a dead person). The Judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"...

One girl just told me she has feelings for me

As examples she mentioned irritation and vicarious embarrassment.

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

Yo mama so fat. . .

I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

What did G say when it hurt H's feelings?

H, I J/K

What is the definition of mixed feelings?

When your mother-in-law is driving your new Tesla towards a cliff.

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therapists are like hookers for your feelings

and hookers are like therapists for your chlamydia.

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- Facts don't care about your feelings!

\- Mr. Shapiro, I understand, but you need to open up, I'm your therapist.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

Always treat your feelings like a dead body.

You gotta bury it.

What is the best example of mixed feelings?

Your Mother in Law drives off a cliff.. In your new Ferrari

What do you call a cow with no feelings?

My ex wife!


(My dad told this and I laughed to hard

I always have mixed feelings when I see Mad World memes

On one hand, I find it kinda funny...

Maybe if I develop feelings for COVID-19 it will leave.

It always happens with girls.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

I told my feelings to my crush. She said yes :'(.

The question was: you hate me don’t you?

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

Fat people have feelings too.

They feel hunger.

No Hard Feelings

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy.
So he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.
"I know what we will do," she said, "Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a Motel and had "revenge."
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge."
A...

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, they were full of shit.

My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex.

Just don’t tell my wife.

What do you call a deer with mixed feelings?

Bambivalent

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