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Glow Jokes

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

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Stupid people are like glow sticks.

I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

Why does neon glow?

Because it it didn’t, we’d had to call it neoff.

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Horny glow bugs...

are fucking lit.

Why is the paper glowing?

Because the paper is light

I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces...

...her smile really lights up the room now.

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

Pubic hair that glows in the dark

Is easier to get out of your teeth

Why do tulips glow?

Because they come from bulbs.

(This is the only *dad* joke I know.)

What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

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What do you call a group of suspicious glowing pornstars?

Illuminaughties!

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

What's flat, black and glows in the dark?

Iran if they keep it up

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in th...

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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

Scientists have invented an alcohol that glows in the dark.

In other words, you can now get drunk and enlightened at the same time.

What's the difference between Mariah Carey and Marie Curie?

One glitters, the other glows

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

If a glow worm were to have its tail cut off …

… would it be de-lighted?

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

some goods news and some bad news.

a patient went into the doctor's office for his physical. when the patient asked how his health was, the doctor replied "well, i have some good news and some bad news". ever the optimist, the patient said "give me the good news first". the doctor smiled and said "well, the good news is that you are ...

My grandpa once told me he dated Marie Curie.

He was attracted to her glowing spirit and radiant personality.

Sadly, their relationship became toxic.

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

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The Hippie and the Nun

The Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts again, the bu...

Why did the nuclear waste worker enter the beauty pageant?

Because he was glowing.

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg?

a glow stick

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman apply to join MI6

The Englishman comes in for his interview and it goes really well, he has a glowing record in the Army and is a perfect fit for the job.

At the end the interviewer asks him "Who do you love more, your country or your wife?"

The Englishman replies "My country of course!"

"OK" say...

I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night

I got glowing reviews

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

My friend is going around telling everyone that I said the Russians are really proud of themselves for conquering Chernobyl…

No, I corrected, I just said they were glowing!

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All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

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Yo Mama's so old... and stupid... and fat.

Yo Mama's so old she remembers when Captain Caveman was a lieutenant,

yo Mama's so old, when she went to school history class was just one paragraph.

yo Mama's so stupid, she has a glow in the dark sundial in her garden,

yo Mama's so stupid she went to the Dentist to fix her Blu...

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.



Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?  Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

There’s a new movie out about Marie Curie.

It received glowing reviews.

Two guys in an asylum decide one night they're sick of living there, and decide to escape. They make their way to the roof, and just across this tiny gap are the rooftops of the town, glowing in the moon light. Freedom The first guy jumps right across but his pal didn't dare for fear of falling.

However, the first guy has an idea...
He says "Hey! I got my flashlight! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"

The second guy just shakes his head and says: "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn off the light when I was halfw...

What do you say to a pregnant jack-o-lantern?

Omg! You're glowing!

How many Ukrainians does it take to change a light bulb?

People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

What did the pirate say when he saw a lighthouse?

Thar she glows!

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead?

Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!

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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did ...

I was ecstatic to finally visit Chernobyl.

Afterwards I spent weeks glowing and radiating happiness.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

Why did the moth stick to the bride's face?

Because she was *GLOWING*

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

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A groom meets up with his groomsmen at the alter with a huge smile on his face.

The best man looks at him and says, "wow, dude, you are really looking forward to this, huh?" The groom replies, "bro, I just got the best blow job I have ever had in my LIFE, and a I'm about to marry that girl!"
While waiting for the wedding procession to start, the bride had a wide grin on her ...

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy

Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

Whats the difference between this girl I just met and a lightbulb?

The light bulb is bright and looks glowing.

Plus I can unscrew it.

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Two nuns are driving through the Carpathian Mountains late at night.

When suddenly, illuminated by the lightning, a vampire appears before the car, fangs bared and eyes glowing red.

The first nun turns to the other, 'Oh no! Sister Magda! Quick! Show him your cross!'

Sister Magda winds down the window, leans out and bellows 'Get out of the fucking road, ...

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little highe...

Two men are going golfing, when one stops by the pro shop...

"I need to get a sleeve of balls, you want me to pick you up some"



"No thanks. I just need this one."



"Just one ball? What if you hit it deep into the woods?"



"Well, it makes a whistle after you hit it. Can't lose it. I only need this one."

...

There was an asteroid impact event in the neighborhood town. I went to see the spectacle.

I saw a glowing green celestial stone inside the impact crater. As I was moving towards it, I became all gloomy and suicidal that's when I heard a man shouting

"Mate! You are in a depression"

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

Two guys are going golfing

Two guys are going golfing, аnd one guy says, "I'm going to stop for some golf balls. You need any?"

And the guy says, "No, i got one."

"You got one? What if you lose it?"

He says, "You can't lose it. It's a special ball."

"What if you hit in the water?"

He says,...

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The Pope is in a hardware store. He goes up to the clerk and says...

"Wanna see a trick?"

"...I can turn anything I touch into a holy item. Watch."

He grabs a shovel, says a few words and sets it back down. Slowly it is surrounded by an amber glow.

"Wow! That's amazing," she says. "I'd like to offer you a job."

So, the Pope accepts her off...

Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"

The other guy re...

Four Friends Are Out Golfing When One Of The Guys Exclaims He Has A Golf Ball That Is Impossible To Lose.

“What if you hit it in the water?” asks the first guy.
“The ball floats”
“What happens when you pound it into the deep woods?” asks player #2.
“It has a GPS and I can track it with my cell phone.”
“What about late evening golf when sunset has past?” ask the third player.
“The ba...

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Not Worth His Time. [long]

An insurance tycoon is on his deathbed in a vast lavish mansion. His final minutes tick by. His wife and children work away on funeral arrangements in the next room and speculate about their inheritance. His only company is a Young Attorney.

He struggles to wheeze out some final words to the ...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero pro...

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A Native American emerges with a new born...

A Native American chief emerges from a teepee with a new born in his hands, looks round at the crowd of awaiting people and announces, "this boy shall be known as "Sitting Bull"".

One young man approaches the chief and asks "Chief, why name the boy "Sitting Bull?"

"It is simple. Whe...

Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, "you see, children?" "Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light! Now, we're safe."
BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (...

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

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