My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

Pubic hair that glows in the dark

Is easier to get out of your teeth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stupid people are like glow sticks.

I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

Scientists have invented an alcohol that glows in the dark.

In other words, you can now get drunk and enlightened at the same time.

What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

What do you call poultry that glows in the dark?

Chicken Kiev

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Horny glow bugs...

are fucking lit.

I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces...

...her smile really lights up the room now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

If a glow worm were to have its tail cut off …

… would it be de-lighted?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are wandering the desert and find a magic lamp

One of them picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me, as a sign of gratitude I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man quickly speaks "I wish I had a million dollars!" the genie nods and the man gets his phone, checks his bank account and ...

Why do tulips glow?

Because they come from bulbs.

(This is the only *dad* joke I know.)

The best compliment.

Once at a party, the hostess paid me a nice compliment. “You are a good-looking guy,” she said. “Honest! I’ve had only one shot of vodka.” she said, looking at my bemused expression.

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my wife interjected, “Imagine how great he’ll look after two.”

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Sheriff: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
Sheriff: "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't kn...

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 25-Inch Dick

Once, there was a man who had a 25 inch dick which was obviously very troublesome for him, he consulted doctors and tried home remedies but had no effect. His mother, who was very religious told him to meet a saint. Reluctantly, he agreed. This was a special saint, who lived in the deep woods of Ind...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

There was once this very pious man

He went to church every day to pray, ever since he was 5.

At 30 years old, he's been praying for the same thing for the past decade. All he wanted was a son. His life would finally be complete; all he needed was a son.

At the age of 35, the man began giving up. The priest in charge of ...

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet.

It is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes glow, the Horus Guard's beak glistens, the Setesh Guard's nose drips.

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

A goddess appears out of nowhere during an academic meeting.

The assembled faculty are dumbstruck as she hovers over the conference table. The goddess floats to a place directly in front of the school's philosophy professor. She speaks to him.

"You are a virtuous mortal. I have decided to grant you a wish. I will give you unfathomable wealth or ultimat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.

She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.

As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

Two insane patients escaping from medical facility...

They found the way during the night to reach the roof and jump the gap to building next door. The first guy jumped over, but second guy was afraid of heights and froze. The first guy tried to reassure him "look, I'll glow this flashlight and you can easily walk over the beam"

The other guy re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

Two guys are going golfing

Two guys are going golfing, аnd one guy says, "I'm going to stop for some golf balls. You need any?"

And the guy says, "No, i got one."

"You got one? What if you lose it?"

He says, "You can't lose it. It's a special ball."

"What if you hit in the water?"

He says,...

Two golfers are playing a round...

One of them slices one hard and after a bit of a search he comes back complaining of how much he hates losing golf balls. The other guy says;

"I actually have a ball that's impossible to lose... I'll give it to you"

"Impossible?" the first guys says, "That's hard to believe. What if it...

Those DANG mosquitoes!!!

After several unpleasant experiences, one night, in total darkness, Gramps opened the cabin door and said, "you see, children?" "Pesky mosquitoes are attracted to light! Now, we're safe."
BUT soon as they entered the cabin and the door was shut, Jason noticed a handful of tiny blinking lights (...

Two people meet on the golf course and one of them says, "You have to check out my awesome new golf ball!"

Golfer 1: "This ball is amazing...If you hit it into the rough it flashes and glows so you can see it! If you hit it out of bounds it beeps so you can find it! If you hit it in the water it floats and drives itself back to land so you don't lose it!"

Golfer 2: "That IS amazing! Where'd you ge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mans wife isn't happy with her husbands performance in bed...

So she goes to the doctor and explains her troubles. The doctor gives her a bottle of pills and says to the wife "Slip your husband 1 pill to be good. Give him 2 pills to be great. Give him 3 pills to be amazing. and give him 4 pills if you want to go all out and have a sore vagina for a week" <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

A guy and his buddy went golfing...

and one noticed the other only brought one ball.

Guy 1: "Hey, what are you going to do if you lose that ball?"

Guy 2: "Well, it happens that this ball is impossible to lose."

Guy 1: "Impossible to lose? What if you hit it in the water?"

Guy 2: "The ball floats."

Gu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard...

The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions and typical small talk, they discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping.

The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.

The wif...

How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?

Santa Claus has 10 reindeers according to the song.

>You know **Dasher** and **Dancer** and **Prancer** and **Vixen**,
**Comet** and **Cupid** and **Donner** and **Blitzen**,
but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
**Rudolph** the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a v...

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb?

You don't need to, they glow in the dark.

Blonde Inventions

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero pro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hippie and a nun [DIRTY]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can t...

A blind rabbit

So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talkin...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.