UPJOKE
scentaromareekodorodourstinksniffstenchflavorwhifffragrancesnuffnosemalodorperfume

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

Have you ever noticed that old ladies all smell the same?

Especially when you dig them up after 3 weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

What long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the Frog's fingers.

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

My coworker asked me this today. “Of course!” I replied

She interjected “How did you get their tiny legs apart?”

What do you call a fairy that smells bad

Stinkerbell!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My beautiful girlfriend has a vagina that smells like Roses.

But Roses is tighter.

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Two pharaohs fart. Their farts smell the same.

They had a Tutankhamun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I picked a mushroom that smelled like poop

Turns out it was just toad stool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test aga...

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

What’s sweaty has really tidy nails and smells like bacon

Miss piggy’s puppeteer

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

And when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Teslas do not have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he w...

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

Adam and Eve

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

Adam: And...

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

What is the best thing about getting COVID?

Your farts don't smell anymore.

What's a Jedi's least favorite smell?

Odor 66

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

What's brown and sticky and doesn't smell good?

A stick with a cold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

What workplace smells the most?

The ol' factory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets on an elevator with a beautiful woman.

He leans over and asks "Can I smell your vagina?" "Of course not!", she responds. Then he says " Oh , I guess it must be your feet then"

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

Pamela Adlon told this joke on Somebody Feed Phil. Have never heard it before, it caught me off guard, and I loved it

Old man Rosenberg is laying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.
“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”
A few minutes go by and his grandson Ezra comes into his room. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

What does milking a cow smell like?

Dairy Air

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s between my legs and smells bad

Your mom

Cured!

A lady sees the doctor to complain about her flatulences. „Doctor, I have these huge flatulences. Although they don’t smell they’re bothering me.“ The doctor gives her some pills to swallow and asks her to show up next week. After a week the lady returns: „What pills did you give me? My farts stink ...

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive

Him: it is, it's gasoline

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drunk guy going back home

A guy was drinking heavily in a bar with his buddies to the point that he was almost passing out. He threw up on himself several times.

Few hours have passed and the effects of alcool start to dissipate a little bit. On his way back home he’s walking and start to think about his wife waiting...

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sees a funeral procession

The hearse is driving slowly, followed by a dog, and then behind the dog is a woman dressed in black, and then line of several dozen women.

The woman watches silently as the procession goes on and on. Finally she asks the last woman in line, "Who is it that passed?"

"Well," the woman ...

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

What is the capital of Finland if it smelled really bad?

Helstinky

Dude, does my finger smell like dirt or like feces?

\- Like feces, man.

\- That's what I thought too, how could I have dirt up in my ass!?

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

Papa Mole, Mama Mole, and Baby Mole

There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole tunneling through the ground one right after the other. They were digging and digging and digging when all of a sudden, Bam! The papa mole ran into a wall.

The papa mole was a bit shaken up. He stuck his head out and saw it was Waffle House...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

I don’t like cocaine

But I do like the way it smells

Why do cops always smell?

Because they're on duty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the dick in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

What's yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells of almonds?

Tarzipan

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

"Very interesting," says the doctor. "Can you demonstrate for me?" So the guy lets out a very loud fart.

"I think I know what the problem is," says the doctor. He goes to his closet and gets a very long stick with a hook on the end.

"Hold it!" says the patient. "What are you going to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

The difference between men and women.

If a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.

2 snowmen walk into a bar

One turns to the other and says:

"Do u smell carrots?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A family of moles on an early breakfast morning.

The big ol papa mole raises his head up out of the hole and smells the air then says "i smell pancakes!"

Then the big ol mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole, smells the air, and says "i smell pancakes!"

Then itty bitty lil ol baby mole wiggles up between big ol papa mole and b...

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 30' long and smells like piss?

>!The line dance at the senior home!<

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.