UPJOKE
scentaromareekodorodourstinksniffstenchflavorwhifffragrancesnuffnosemalodorperfume

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.
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4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

Edit: My dad would always tell me things I should post/comment on Reddit. It was our little ...

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

Which German city smells the nicest?

Cologne

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What would happen if skunks lost their smell?

They'd become ex-stinked.

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

Why does Piglet smell so bad?

Because he plays with Pooh

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

My toenails turned green, shrank, and started smelling like mint.

My doctor says I have a rare condition called Tic Tac Toes.

What should you do if your kid comes home and you smell marijuana?

Have a joint discussion.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

You know what old people smell like?

Depends!

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NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

I can never get their tiny legs apart.

The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he'd been drinking.

That's the last time I use the self checkout..

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings...

You know she's a keeper...

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

Why did the employee’s paycheck smell like parsley?

Their boss had garnished their wages

What is it called when someone can’t smell?

Snyphilis

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.

It doesn't matter how nice the soap smells..

Never let anyone see you walk out of the bathroom sniffing your fingers.

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Nice Smelling Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker do...

I've created a manly fragrance that smells like chicken nuggets.

I call it Pollo For Men.

What's got no teeth and smells?

The gearbox in the wife's car...

Have you ever noticed that old ladies all smell the same?

Especially when you dig them up after 3 weeks.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

What do you call a fairy that smells bad

Stinkerbell!

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

My coworker asked me this today. “Of course!” I replied

She interjected “How did you get their tiny legs apart?”

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Two pharaohs fart. Their farts smell the same.

They had a Tutankhamun.

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

What’s sweaty has really tidy nails and smells like bacon

Miss piggy’s puppeteer

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

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I thought I picked a mushroom that smelled like poop

Turns out it was just toad stool

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

What's a Jedi's least favorite smell?

Odor 66

What's brown and sticky and doesn't smell good?

A stick with a cold.

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What’s between my legs and smells bad

Your mom

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

What do you call perfume that doesn’t smell?

Nonsense.

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I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

What does milking a cow smell like?

Dairy Air

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

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Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.

Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you the...

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

What workplace smells the most?

The ol' factory.

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

"Sorry for the smell, it's hand sanitizer."

"Don't worry, I haven't
been able to smell stuff
for a couple of days
now."

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive

Him: it is, it's gasoline

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

Dude, does my finger smell like dirt or like feces?

\- Like feces, man.

\- That's what I thought too, how could I have dirt up in my ass!?

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

"Very interesting," says the doctor. "Can you demonstrate for me?" So the guy lets out a very loud fart.

"I think I know what the problem is," says the doctor. He goes to his closet and gets a very long stick with a hook on the end.

"Hold it!" says the patient. "What are you going to d...

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

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When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

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