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*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

What's purple and smells like Mars?

Apartment!

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I asked a woman if I could smell her pussy

She said "no you cannot" and then she slapped me. I said "I'm sorry, It must be your feet

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

Do you know why farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too!

What’s green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s hand

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What's russian and smells like shit?

vladimir pootin.

I have a very rare unreported symptom from covid - I am struggling to smell things

Damn, I mean spell

My unscented deodorant really smells like nothing.

That's nonsense!

A friend got mad at me for smelling her sister’s underwear

I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there, either way it made his sister’s funeral very awkward.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How'd you get their legs apart?

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This police dog comes up to me and starts sniffing and wagging his tail, and I say "hi there, boy, can you smell my dog then?"

And the handler says "No, sir, this is a sniffer dog -- he only alerts for narcotics", and I say "heh, yeah, my poor pooch has such a habit..."

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

"hey grandma, it smells like death in here"

"...grandma?"

I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good.

Now I want Arby’s.

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

Why do angels smell so good?

Because their scent from God.

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and tastes like a dog...

Then your a monster

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I know it’s not mine. Not sure if it’s been posted before.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

If your nose runs and your feet smell

You were built upside down

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but get...

What’s invisible and smells like worms?

A bird fart.

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.

After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.

After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"

"I learned the fir...

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

"Sorry for the smell, it's hand sanitizer."

"Don't worry, I haven't
been able to smell stuff
for a couple of days
now."

What's really big and smells bad?

Genocide.

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

How does Thanos smell things?

Through Thanose.

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God asks Adam “Where is Eve?”

Adam says “she’s at the river washing her pussy”.

God says “Damn you, Adam. I’m never gonna be able to get that smell off the fishes again...”

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

A coworker walked into my office and remarked on the smell

I said it must have been the Russian that was just in there.

Confused, he said i didn't know we had any Russians working here.

I said oh no, the Russian was me. I was Pootin.

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers.



Also....



What is green and goes 100 MPH?

Frog in a blender.

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You know what a 70 year Olds ass smells like?

Depends

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

When You Have An Optimistic View On What You're Smelling, You're Smelling...

Rose tinted gases.

If those who can’t hear are deaf, and those who can’t see are blind, what do you call those who can’t smell or taste?

Covid positive.

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

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Your hair smells nice.

Everyday a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the water cooler, inhales deeply then tells her "your hair smells nice." A weeks of this and she can't stand it anymore, she takes her complaint to a supervisor in personnel and states she wants to file a sexual harassment grie...

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

What does the inside of the Mandalorian’s helmet smell like?

Fetta Cheese

A family of moles lived on a farm

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

How does a sitcom smell

It smells funny

Dog paws smell like Fritos. What to horse hooves smell like?

A broken nose.

Do you know that some crazy guys stop smelling of anything?

It’s called a de-scent into madness

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

I woke up confused and unable to smell

I feel like nothing makes scents anymore

What do you give a house that smells bad?

A basemint

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

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You know you’re fat when your piss smells like gravy.

You know you’re really fat when it tastes like gravy.

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

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A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

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I 69ed with my girlfriend before a dentist appointment...

This morning I had the amazing opportunity to 69 with my girlfriend, so I did, but afterwards I was concerned because I remembered that I had a dentist appointment.

So I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth 5 times, mouth washed twice, and on my way to the dentist I popped in 5 mints. ...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

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A man gets on an elevator. There is already a woman in it. When the door closes he looks around & asks her, "Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?" She said, "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!"

He said, "Oh? Well, that must be your feet."

What's yellow, smells like bananas and falls out of trees?

Monkey sick

Not your typical response

Some guy was having fun with another woman in her house. He finished up and as he was ready to leave, he realizes he smells like her perfume. So he had a great idea. He went to a local bar, drank a few good ones and went home.

His wife smelled him and said:
"Do you think I'm stupid, huh...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbor’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, yo...

Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

A group of moles are hibernating in a burrow for the winter...

One day one mole pops his head out and sniffs around.

“It must be spring because I smell maple syrup in the air. The farmer’s wife always cooks pancakes in the springtime” says the mole as he leaves the burrow.

A second mole sticks his head out and smells the air.

“By George, h...

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Something smells like shit, was that Bob?

I don’t know, Axe him.

What does a Homicidal Lumberjack smell like?

Axe Body Spray

A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

What do you get when you cross a tarantula and a rose

I don’t know but don’t stop to smell it.

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(NSFW) After months of being lonely I fucked two cuties at the same time.

Now I can't get the smell of citrus off my penis.

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

What do Tesla brand car airfresheners smell like?

Elon Musk

K. I'll show myself out.

A man goes to the Doctor

and tells him he’s been having terrible gas, but his farts don’t smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his cond...

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