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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill.

I wonder if the same happens to vegans when they mow the lawn.

What do Tesla brand car airfresheners smell like?

Elon Musk

K. I'll show myself out.

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

What is blue and smells like green paint?

Blue paint

What kind of bugs smell the best?

Deodor-ants

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

When you smell pee in the street you can tell

Urine the wrong neighborhood

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

“You’re children’s clothes smell great. It’s like they just came out of the washing machine!!”

They did. They were screaming.

What do you call a dog that can smell everything?

Omniscent

Enjoy the little things. Stop and smell the roses.

If you can't smell them, you might want to get tested for COVID.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Why does Piglet always smell bad?

Because he plays with Pooh.

What's invisible and smells like worms?

A bird's fart.

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

I went to the corner shop earlier and now my bank card smells funny!

I think they might have cologned it.

What is long, green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs finger

Panicking, I told the doctor that I couldn’t smell my food and it tasted plasticky. With a concerned look on his face, he told me to...

...remove it from the package.

Feet are for running, and noses are for smelling, but . . .

my feet smell and my nose runs.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

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3 Guys Compete to See Whose Shit is the Worst-Smelling Shit.

It was agreed that to determine the smelliest crap, they would base it on the number of flies that landed on their respective feces.

The first guy proceeds to take a shit. After a short while, a sizable number of flies swooped in.

The second dude does his worst and unloads a big one. A...

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up, he let's a horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

My friend just asked me if I’ve ever smelled moth balls.

I said no, I can’t get their little legs apart.

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus.

But that's just my two scents.

you hear about the guy who could smell the future?

they called him nosetradamus.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

You know the smell of moth balls?

Well I don’t, I can never get their little legs far enough apart.

Why did the beach smell?

Because the seaweed.

Apparently there’s a strange smell in new Teslas

Apparently it’s quite musky

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I asked the woman I was sitting next to on the train, "if I could smell her feet?"

She looked at me crazy and said, "NO! That's Gross!"

So I said, "Ah must be your pussy then."

What's the best smelling insect?

This was found on the back of my Laffy Taffy wrapper. The answer is deodor-ant.

Tesla's new car smell.

I heard they designed a special new car smell just for Tesla's.

They call it Elons musk.

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

Why does it smell like gas in the BDSM dungeon?

Because it's all pro-pain.

Kissing her where it smells

I was making out with my mistress in the backseat and she said to me, “Kiss me where it smells!” So, naturally, I hopped into the driver’s seat and drove her to Secaucus.

Any of you from NJ?

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

One big difference between men and women is...

that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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Why do noses run and feet smell?

I don't know, but my ass itches and my finger stinks.

A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor

He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”

The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a wee...

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

My crush told me I smelled nice

Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her Boyfriend some

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

Why does Captain Kirk’s wife smell?

Because William Shatner

I heard Macy's is selling this new perfume that has that "new Tesla smell"

They're calling it 'Elon Musk'.

I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell.

I just love Foreign Axe Scents


**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.

How do you think burning sperm would smell like?

Genocide

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it smells funny...

So I took her to New Jersey.

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

If you had to choose one body part to smell . . .

Would you pick your nose ?

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

I smell so stupid right now.

I should’ve worn my Degree.

I tried to make a joke about someone who can't see, hear, taste, smell, or feel anything.

I realized it was senseless.

I met this girl with a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

Cool thing about it is, if you put your ear up to it, you can really smell the ocean

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

Two snowmen are standing in a field...

One turns to the other and says, "do you smell carrots?"

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If it looks like shit, smells like shit, and taste like shit...

You have gone too far to identify!

#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.

They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. P...

What's the smell in every new Tesla called?

Elon's musk

*badum tss*

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I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

Everytime a pizza man has come to the door they've noticed the smell of the last pizza man and thus I've had to kill them.

An unfortunate Domino effect.

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Little Timmy was sitting on the front porch with his grandpa when he saw the man take a sip of whisky.

Little Timmy looked up at him and said “Hey, PopPop?”

The grandpa looked down at him and asked “What’s on your mind, boy?”

“May I please have a sip of that whisky”? He pleaded.

Thoughtfully, the aged man stroked his beard and asked “Well, can your dick touch your butthole”?
...

The smell of alcohol

An old man was stopped by police while driving. He rolled down his window as the policeman leaned over. – There's a terrible stench of alcohol here, said the cop.

Oh, I'm sorry, said the old dude, as he rolled the window almost shut, and asked through the narrow crack, - Is it better now?

Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

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My girlfriends fanny smells like roses

But Roses fanny tighter

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

What do you call an ant that doesn't smell bad?

Deodorant.

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

What do the Illuminati smell like?

New World Odour.

What do a lap dance and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

You can smell it but you can’t eat it.

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A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking

and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have exc...

Karen & Marcy go shopping & Karen stops to smell candles at a local booth. Karen: This smells like fireball.

Marcy: You know, sober people call that smell....cinnamon.

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This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I g...

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny.

(Joke by my six-year-old daughter)

I was waiting in line at the cheese counter at the local grocery store today when I had to fart.

After ripping a silent one the guy in front of me asks the lady behind the counter which cheese smells such aromatically.

What type of tomato smells best?

A Roma

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A man is about to go to a stag party with his friends.

Before he heads off, his girlfriend of 3 years tells him "You've had a history of getting stupidly drunk and leaving me to babysit you every time you come back on nights out like these. If you come back to our house drunk like that tonight, we're through."

The man agrees with her, and heads o...

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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

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Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than poop?

It’s just plain common scents.

How much energy does it take to make a bathroom smell good?

About 3 Juuls

I'm not addicted to cocaine

I just enjoy the smell of it.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

How to get out of friendzone

"Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" Works everytime

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

I'm terrible at smelling things

I meant spelling, sorry

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