Teslas do not have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's finger.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 30' long and smells like piss?

>!The line dance at the senior home!<

What do rulers smell like?

A foot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife's pussy smells like Roses...

But Roses is tighter.

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

What smells the same at breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Your nose

Why do farts smell so bad?

So deaf people can appreciate them too

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

Smells Good

My GF gave me a beard oil that feels good an smells great. More important, she gets very turned on by the aroma. Our make out sessions are amazing.

If it works so well for kissing, I wondered what would happen if I oiled my pubes?

So I oiled up and went to visit her. Told her I had a s...

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because, William Shatner.

What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.

What type of tomato smells best? \

A Roma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room you know it’s some good shit!

You ever smelled moth balls?

How’d you get their little legs apart?

If skunks didn't have their protective smell...

They would go ex-stinked.

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

What do you call a falling smell?

De-scent

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

I can't believe my unscented deodorant really smells like nothing.

That's nonsense!

Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell…

You’re built upside down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.

I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A woman gets a small tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

You hold your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean.

What fragrance makes you smell like a million bucks?

Elon's Musk

Mr. Johnson walk into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

He lets out a very loud fart and says, "See? It doesn't smell."

The doctor goes to his closet and takes out a pole with a hook on the end.

Mr. Johnson is understandably terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"

"I'm just going to open the window," says the doctor. "And...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a woman if I could smell her pussy

She said "no you cannot" and then she slapped me. I said "I'm sorry, It must be your feet

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Did you hear about the guy with erectile dysfunction who was aroused by tastes and smells?

It took a while, but he finally came to his senses.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's russian and smells like shit?

vladimir pootin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

"hey grandma, it smells like death in here"

"...grandma?"

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like a new truck.

A man comes home late after drinking all night.

His wife greets him in the kitchen upset.

"You're drunk, again! I've had it with you!

The man slurring says to her says "I'm not drunk"

The wife frustrated responds "I can smell the liquor you are drunk!"

The husband once again refusing to to back down says "I'm not drun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

The kids saw a hot-dog stand

They went near it and their stomach already started to rumble. There was not a single penny in their pockets. The boy said, "What are we gonna do?", which the girl replied," Lets just take a quick smell". And they both took a deep breath

Suddenly the vendor emerged and shouted at the kids, "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu,sir?"asked the owner.I'm blind.Just bring me one of your dirty forks.I will smell it and order."The confused owner got a fork.The blind man smelled the fork with deep breath.Yes,I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.2 weeks later,the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

"Sorry for the smell, it's hand sanitizer."

"Don't worry, I haven't
been able to smell stuff
for a couple of days
now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

Two snowmen in a garden,

one says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and tastes like a dog...

Then your a monster

I was just driving past a dog food factory and it smelled really good.

Now I want Arby’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two men hiking through the jungle

They come across a village of native Indians who take them hostage. The leader tells them that they have two options for punishment. Death or boomba?

“Well I don’t wanna die so I’ll choose boomba” says the first guy.

Then comes out boomba. A 700 hundred pound naked man covered in wart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A third grade teacher was teaching English.

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

Why do angels smell so good?

Because their scent from God.

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question,

"Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, Between you and me, something smells."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick may not be twelve inches but..

It smells like a foot.

Most deadly joke in the world

My dog has no nose!
-
-
-
How does he smell?
-
-
-
Terrible!

What’s invisible and smells like worms?

A bird fart.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.

The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.

As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
...

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

What's really big and smells bad?

Genocide.

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill

I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn

This police dog comes up to me and starts sniffing and wagging his tail, and I say "hi there, boy, can you smell my dog then?"

And the handler says "No, sir, this is a sniffer dog -- he only alerts for narcotics", and I say "heh, yeah, my poor pooch has such a habit..."

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say during sex, but also at a family dinner?

What’s that smell?

Give me your best kids knock-knock jokes!

My 4 year old is a budding comedian, and her new favourite is knock-knock jokes. She keeps asking me for new ones that she can tell to people, but I can't find many good ones that she will understand.

The current go-to's are:

Knock knock -- Who's there? -- Europe! -- Europe who? -- No,...

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."...

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"


"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.


So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit ...

How does Thanos smell things?

Through Thanose.

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

My mother-in-law just called

and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.
I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.