UPJOKE
scentaromareekodorodourstinksniffstenchflavorwhifffragrancesnuffnosemalodorperfume

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My beautiful girlfriend has a vagina that smells like Roses.

But Roses is tighter.

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

What’s red and smells like blue paint…

Red paint!

Why do farts smell?

For the benefit of the deaf...

what's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frog's finger.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

Why did Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because William Shatner (shat on her).

I'll get my coat.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.

I told her: you’re such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.

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Excuse me, can I smell your pussy ?

A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” she replies “It must be your feet then.” says the man

What's a Jedi's least favorite smell?

Odor 66

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh…

When I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!

So they're going to start shipping Teslas without new car smell. Instead, they're going to have

Elon Musk

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NSFW I got on an elevator the other day, and a woman got on at the next floor. I asked her, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She was offended, and said, "No! Of course not!"

I said, "Huh. Must be your feet, then."

Why did God make farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

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I tried one of Gwenyth Paltrow's "This Smells Like My Vagina" candles.

Honestly, it just smells like Apple.

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What’s long, green and smells like ham?

Kermit’s dick

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

What workplace smells the most?

The ol' factory.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

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One day a blind man goes to restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef stea...

I’m giving up on these electric toothbrushes. Mine goes through 2 batteries a week and always starts to smell like fish.

On an unrelated side note, my girlfriend has been in a good mood lately.

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

What does milking a cow smell like?

Dairy Air

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

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My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

The difference between men and women.

If a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.

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What’s between my legs and smells bad

Your mom

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

Her: What is that beautiful scent you are wearing, it smells expensive

Him: it is, it's gasoline

Why did Barbie smell like fish?

Because Australians like throwing shrimp on her.

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air."

The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.

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2 prostitutes standing on a corner.

2 prostitutes standing on the corner and one of them says "we gonna make a lot of money tonight i can smell the dick in the air"...and the second one replied "sorry i burped"

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Have you ever smelled moth balls before?

Thats funny, how did you get their tiny legs apart?

If it doesn’t taste like covid and it doesn’t smell like covid

It’s probably covid

Dude, does my finger smell like dirt or like feces?

\- Like feces, man.

\- That's what I thought too, how could I have dirt up in my ass!?

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

How would an elephant smell without a trunk?

Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

What is the capital of Finland if it smelled really bad?

Helstinky

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

Two dyslexics a car

One says to the other "can you smell petrol"? other says "smell it, I can't even smell my own name"

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

My wife got angry when I said her new candle smelled like wet dog and mildew...

But I was just giving my two scents on the topic

What's yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells of almonds?

Tarzipan

Why do cops always smell?

Because they're on duty!

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

People sometimes tell me I smell funny

I just have great scents of humor.

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When you fart with a mask on and can still smell it

One of them is shit.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

My wife asked, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?” I chuckled and replied...

"No, I think most kids smell that way!"

A woman smelling strongly of hard liquor wakes up in a police station, dazed and confused.

She asks the first police officer she sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

=====

"That's great," says the woman, "when do we start?"

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

"Very interesting," says the doctor. "Can you demonstrate for me?" So the guy lets out a very loud fart.

"I think I know what the problem is," says the doctor. He goes to his closet and gets a very long stick with a hook on the end.

"Hold it!" says the patient. "What are you going to d...

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What's 30' long and smells like piss?

>!The line dance at the senior home!<

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get in to an elevator at their apartment building.

As the door closes the brunette looks down on the ground and see what appears to be a puddle of cum and says, “Eeeeeeew there cum on the ground!”

The redhead gets on her hands and knees and sniffs it and says, “Yeah it smells like cum!”

The blonde dips her finger in it and tastes it an...

What smells the same at breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Your nose

A drunk and a Preacher

A drunk stumbling through the woods comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks out into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So, the preach...

How to trap a bear.

Very first thing you need to do is dig a large deep hole. Once your home is dug, light a fire in the hole and let it burn for 8 hours. Once the fire is out, just wait till the bear smells the fire and comes to investigate. Then sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole....

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

You end up smelling like ancient grease.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

If skunks didn't have their protective smell...

They would go ex-stinked.

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

My uncle was moving from his farm to an appartment....

He had to get rid of all the animals, but he said he could not part with his 2 goats. So i asked him: 'But where are you going to keep them? There is no garden at all!'.
'Well, we have a balcony, they can be there in the summertime', he said.
'Ok, but in the wintertime, what then?' I asked...<...

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

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What’s the difference between a nose and an anus?

Nothing, they both smell and you wipe them between the cheeks when they get runny.

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My girlfriend and I purchased a Great Dane, and now the smell around our house is absolutely revolting.

Every time he barks I shit myself.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

What do you call a falling smell?

De-scent

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

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