UPJOKE
pronounhimselfoneselfyourselfselfitselfyoursthemhimhishereitheralonepersonallyshe

Myself Jokes

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

I froze myself to -273.1°C

..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

What's the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

I have just bought myself a new cheese grater

Must say, grate things came out of this.

(edit - sorry for the cheesy joke)

I visited my new friend in his apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water

into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.

"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

I'm going to describe myself in three words:

1. Lazy
2.
3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Saving Myself

A wealthy, never-been-wed 80-year-old man marries a beautiful 24-year-old blonde. All of his friends agree to meet for breakfast in the same five-star hotel in which he is spending his first wedding night, just to see his reaction.

They expect him to come down for breakfast in the eleva...

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

I have to ask myself, is my wife unsatisfied?

a tiny part of me says yes

Someone asked me to describe myself in 4 words

I said "bad at counting"

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Whenever i'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too

I've decided to freeze myself at -273°C.

My friend thinks I'll die, but I think I'll be 0K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There I was, sitting on the toilet, late for work, thinking to myself...

I do not have time for this shit.

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

Started teaching myself braille by reading a horror story.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.

When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself...

But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

Me: Is it normal talking to myself?

Me: Yes it is.
Me: Oh, thank God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My marketing guru said to put myself in my customers' shoes.

My customer said what the fuck are you doing to my shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just crapped myself in an elevator

Took that shit to a whole new level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic".

So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like "Isn't that ironic?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I made myself a cocktail with whiskey, vermouth, bitters, and Adderall.

I call it an Upper Manhattan.

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep telling myself that I must stop masturbating.

Fortunately I don't listen to perverts.

If I wanted to kill myself...

I'd jump from your ego to your IQ.

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

As I rolled the bowling ball down the lane I thought to myself...

Please hit a few of those cyclists

I identify myself as Michael Jackson

My pronouns are He He

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

I'm dating myself with this one

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?


You're not going to just throw that away are you?

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

I came up with this one by myself

Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine

I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself…

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

I couldn't help myself- before I knew what was happening, I found myself bragging about getting the new Nintendo console in 2006.

It was a Wii-flex.

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

I don't always contradict myself,

but when I do, I don't.

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

I was told to describe myself in three words...

I replied with "always messes things up".

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

I'm ashamed of myself for the dad joke I made today.

Coworker was talking about a Joe Rogan episode with Jim Miller where they talked about Lyme Disease.

We continued the conversation and at the end I said "I guess the kids have tik tok and we have tick talk." I don't know how to feel after that one. Had to share somewhere.

I made this up by myself

What do you call a Christian that does drugs?



A Methodist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got myself a trophy of a cat's butt.

It is a catastrophe.

Okay; this is one I concocted myself:

''Talking about lamas...did you know lamas have their own newspaper? It's called the Daily Lama.''

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

Whenever I see a computer driving a car, I think to myself

"What if they crash?"

I got really in touch with myself this morning...

I need to use a better toilet paper.

If im ever sent to jail, im going to rename myself Mitochondria

This is to let them know I am the powerhouse of the cell

An old lady in front of me dropped a $20 note, so I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…

Where the f*ck is my roof?

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

I modified this KGB joke by myself (Not a repost)

**My friend told me this joke**

> A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar.

> Woman : "Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

> The Russian : "I work for KGB."

> Woman : "Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

> Russian : "About me or...

Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day

Got up too fast after watching the third film

I find myself buying the same mosquito repellent my boyfriend gives me

I guess you could say he's rubbing Off on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

I'm just not myself today :(

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

Today my mom saw me fingering myself on my period...

I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.

Every morning I tell myself, "You have so much within you. You can do it!"

And then I sit on the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I find myself very attracted to men with hairy legs, hooves, and horns who play the flute.

I guess you could say I am Pan Sexual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would castrate myself

If I had the balls to do it

Sometimes I find myself just marveling at shovels.

What a groundbreaking invention.

I like to disassociate myself from the word 'Xenophobia'

It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

I bought myself a 6 ft boomerang with Lord of the Rings characters on it.

It’s really hard to Frodo

The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself

1920x1080

Fun fact about myself

I invented the word "plagerism"

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

Two things that I don't like about myself are procrastination and the habit of forgetting things.

But the good thing is that I don't procrastinate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

I fancy myself an entomologist. I have a way with words...

...when it comes to bugs.

Just proposed and thought to myself..

I can no longer say “I’m really focused” now I have to say “I’m really engaged”

I’ll see myself out

What did Atari say to Sega when he moved out of his house? “I gotta pac - man”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.


His mom beat the shit out of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said I should take myself on a date to learn to love myself.

I couldn't because I don't date broke people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

Sometines I talk to myself for no reason....

Me too!!

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

Let me just say that I'll NEVER vaccinate myself or my children!

I'll rather have a healthcare worker do that.

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

I went to the restroom to relieve myself but nothing came out...

It was a shampoo...

(I know where the door is)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.

The competition was pretty stiff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself,

Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

Everyday I keep telling myself: “Chris, you have to stop drinking, it’s becoming a serious problem ”

Thank god my names not Chris

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

Today i asked myself the question:

Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.

I just burnt myself making Hawaiian pizza

I should have put it on Aloha Temperature.

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.