“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

Let me just say that I'll NEVER vaccinate myself or my children!

I'll rather have a healthcare worker do that.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

I hate is when people ask me how I saw myself last year.

C'mon guys I don't have 2020 vision.

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

I went out with a girl who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around.

I told her, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

The doctors said I could touch myself anytime I wanted to.

The dr, “you could have a stroke any time.”

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk.

Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."

"... the nurse does it for me."

"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..

.. this isn't for me.

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It’s not really PC

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Honey, why does my dick get hard when I look at myself in the mirror?" A husband asked his wife.

The wife replied, "Because, even your dick knows you're a pussy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

I’ll see myself out

What did Atari say to Sega when he moved out of his house? “I gotta pac - man”

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

Hey, I like dark humour, I can't help myself. Last week I saw a video of a kid getting hit by a car and just BURST out laughing...

The police officers didn't seem impressed but I just told them, "you had to be there".

As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:

"This really takes me back".

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

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As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.


His mom beat the shit out of me.

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic...

It was really awkward asking them for a hanger

Whenever I see someone flash that “white power” hand sign, I think to myself…

that’s not okay!

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

I prefer to be naughty by myself

I'm introperverted.

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

Regarding myself: I must confess to my one and only draw-back, and it's a fairly massive one...

It's my foreskin.

I was asked to pick a word to describe myself...

But I couldn’t choose between indecisive and hesitant.

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My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight." Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are talking about some car trouble we were having this past week. I say, "Ford should really figure out their electrical." Father in law chimes in uninvited, "Tell me something I *don't* know!"

"Ok, 'dad'. Funny.", I think to myself. I again ignore the...

I was addicted to not defending myself against nuns.

But I finally kicked the habit.

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today.

She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.



I'll escort myself out.

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

Sometimes, I wonder to myself if my wife hates my body.

A tiny part of me thinks "Yes!"

I'm a pretty badass sugar daddy myself...

I have diabetes and 3 kids.

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I would castrate myself

If I had the balls to do it

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

I was told I shouldn't be too full of myself.

But then they complain when I eat other people.

I suppose a Megalodon's got a...

Megalo**dong**



I'll see myself out.

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

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I use my dick as a measuring device to distance myself 6 feet from others.

But first I have to fold it in half.

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

I went to my friends house and he told me to make myself at home..

I proceeded to throw him out wasn't in the mood for visitors

Personally, I'm not into any impreg kink myself but...

Y'know... knock yourself up.

I told my psychologist that I'm a masochist.

He said I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

What do you call a professional troll?

A master-baiter.

I'll see myself out

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Today i asked myself the question:

Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

Today i saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...

I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"....

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

When I'm sad I cut myself...

A piece of cake!



Happy cake day to me :)

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years

So to cheer myself up I got a puppy

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

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I just bought a really shite mirror and I'm so ashamed of myself.

It reflects really badly on me.

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones

- Why?
Putin asks him.

- Ah, I can't find myself with these times:

- I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,

- I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,

- I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and sh...

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Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.

(I'll see myself out)

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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I was watching my girlfriend have a shit and I thought to myself,

'This really is the last time we do a 69.'

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

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John O'Reilly makes a toast..

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." <...

Step-dad tells his step-son to clean his room

Step-son: Am I going to have to pour hot melted cheese all over myself?

Step-dad: Why would you have to do that?

Step-son: To remind you that I'm NACHO son

It’s time for me to stop second-guessing myself!

Or, you know what, never mind.

What do you see when the pillsbury dough boy bends over?

Donuts
(I’ll see myself out)

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

Kind of lame jokes I make up for myself after reading the dictionary.

Someone asked was I being sesquipedalianist just to make a joke on reddit! Which I repudiate!

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

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Daughter asks her mother: "Mom, can I go to the movies with my friend?"

"And what kind of movie are you going to watch?" said the mother.

"A Horror movie," the daughter replied

"Well, you can't," said the mother...

"To be all scared and get closer to him in the cinema."

"Well, what about an romantic movie then?" the daughter asked.

"Oh...

Myself, along with a small group of fellow Chemistry majors have been close friends since our college days.

I guess you could say that we have developed strong bonds.

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

For my sixth cake day I was going to just repost someone elses cake day joke.

But then I thought to myself...

Nah, I'm batter than that!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

One day I'll have to cook for myself to save money.

I'm telling my mother that I'll have to get better at cooking to save money when I move away. My 13 y.o. sister interrupts by saying, "Your water bill from flushing so much will make up for that."

Gesundheit

What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?

You're a Peak-Achoo.



I'll see myself out...

I made this one up myself. Hoping it gets at least a chuckle....

Q. Why do Covid-denying men make such poor lovers?

A. Because they're emaskulated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

Sometines I talk to myself for no reason....

Me too!!

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

I made this Doctor Who joke myself.

A doctor who isn’t bound by the causal nature of linear joke telling!

(Wait for it.)

Knock knock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately"

Doctor: "so the new treatment for your compulsive masturbation works after all"

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

I came up with this one by myself

Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so urine

Going to a bar

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large woman came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “it’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I am abnned from Subway

I’m upset that my doppelgänger moved in next door.

I’m beside myself about it.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

So I was walking down town near the local prison...

And as I was walking down the street, I see a man with dwarfism climbing up the wall of the prison looking to escape.

He looked over at me so I waved at him. He gave me a nasty stare and scoffed at me as he began climbing down.

I said to myself "that's a little con-descending"

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On this, the second anniversary of becoming a Redditor, I've decided to repost one of my OWN jokes!

As an experiment, I blended some penis enlargement medication with some Viagra and then added that into my eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

For 2021, I’m setting a goal for myself to find a girlfriend. One that is faithful and actually wants to be with me.

I just can’t let the wife find out.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

lazy

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

I got sick of being an assasin; so I hired myself to off me.

Now my work is literally killing me.

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