UPJOKE
pronounhimselfoneselfyourselfselfitselfyoursthemhimhishereitheralonepersonallyshe

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

In an interview I was asked where I see myself in five years

I replied with "I'd have to say my greatest weakness is listening."

Me: Is it normal talking to myself?

Me: Yes it is.
Me: Oh, thank God.

When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home,

the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.

Myself & a bunch of guy friends tried to go to the new strip club named “The G Spot”…

We couldn’t find it.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

I'm ashamed of myself for the dad joke I made today.

Coworker was talking about a Joe Rogan episode with Jim Miller where they talked about Lyme Disease.

We continued the conversation and at the end I said "I guess the kids have tik tok and we have tick talk." I don't know how to feel after that one. Had to share somewhere.

I got really in touch with myself this morning...

I need to use a better toilet paper.

I’ll describe myself in three words.

I am a rebel.

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

I’ve recently started to feel aroused after looking at myself in the mirror.

I feel guilty about it sometimes but my friends say not be so hard on myself.

I got myself a new fancy radio for my birthday.......

One of them Gateaux Blasters.

I modified this KGB joke by myself (Not a repost)

**My friend told me this joke**

> A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar.

> Woman : "Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

> The Russian : "I work for KGB."

> Woman : "Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

> Russian : "About me or...

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

I made this up by myself

What do you call a Christian that does drugs?



A Methodist.

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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My wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers for Christmas, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise and I thought to myself

Man! I should’ve made that sandwich first

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered. I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried. I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor. His tone changed to sarcas...

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

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(Just made this one up myself!) How do you know butterflies are good kissers??

They have a proboscis (Pro - Boss - Kiss)!!

My son ( u/BirdsongBossMusic) is a sophomore in college and sent me pics of all the cool things from his Zoology lab today, including the aforementioned butterfly nose. I just thought about what a funny word "proboscis" is and, well, the rest is...

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

If someone hurts or offends me, I always ask myself "What would God do?"

I've been planning a Omnicide for years.

Naming the kids

A guy named Jay walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's your wife doing?" the bartender asks. "She's doing great. The doctor says the pregnancy is going well and we can expect two healthy twin girls," Jay replies. "I'd really like to name them after myself, but can't decide on the names." "How ab...

I'm just not myself today :(

A guy walks into bar, orders a beer and lets out a heavy sigh. "What's wrong, Bob?" the bartender asks. "Oh nothing really," Bob replies. "I guess I'm just not myself today." "Yes," the bartender agreed. "I noticed the improvement immediately."

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

I went to the restroom to relieve myself but nothing came out...

It was a shampoo...

(I know where the door is)

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

So I just bought myself a Tesla and I loved a new car smell

It's got an Elon Musk to it

Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars and I asked myself...

"Where the hell is my roof?"

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I saw a sign that made me piss myself today, it said:

Toilets closed

Pregnant woman on a bus...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. And each time she switched seats, the man got increasingly am...

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

I bought myself a 6ft long Boomerang with Characters from 'Lord of the Rings' on it.

It's really hard to Frodo.

I want to get into comedy, perhaps secure a Netflix special for myself.

Not necessarily because I am a funny man, but rather because I am a money fan.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

I found myself at a growler the other night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

Someone had laced my drink

Myself, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my grandparents all have terrible diarrhea.

Runs in the family.

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

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I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.

That's what "You can have a stroke at anytime" means, right?

Every day I say to myself, John you have to quit drinking.

Thank god my name isn't John.

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.

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They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

I went to hang out at a friend's house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I kicked him out, I hate having people over.

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward



Thank you, I'll see myself out

I just taught myself the meaning of the word "autodidact".

That's it.

My wife said, "You know what I hate? I hate it when people think they know me more than I know myself."

I said, "No you don't."

Over the last couple of months I've taught myself Morse code.

I've been trying to use it in lots of different situations. I taught the dogs commands in Morse code by tapping on the floor. I communicate to the wife from different parts in the house by clapping my hands in Morse code. Lately I've been refusing to speak out loud whenever possible. My wife says if...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt in public and thought to myself...

that shows a lot of balls!

Oftentimes i find myself putting ice cubes on my eyeballs.

I think its because i wanna look cool.

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NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

Let me just say that I'll NEVER vaccinate myself or my children!

I'll rather have a healthcare worker do that.

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

A woman goes out of town for a couple of weeks for work.

She calls her husband after a day or two and they are just catching up. Most things have been discussed when she asks how the cat is and if he's taking care of her.

"Oh, cat died," he says.

She gets upset and, exasperated, tells him, "you can't just come out and surprise me with it li...

The only time I ever refer to myself in the third person…

is during a threesome

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

I went back in time to teach myself how to satisfy a woman

I came too early.

A joke I would tell when I manned the Tom Sawyer Island rafts at Disneyland

Yarr! (Cause you gotta start with a "Yarr") Watch yerselves folks! Wouldn't wanna fall into the water there! These waters are cursed! I've seen many a good swimmer sink straight down without a chance! Why, my friend Yancy looked upon the poor souls sinking down to the watery depths one by one. He tr...

Guys, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve been doing a lot of adulting more and more lately.

Lol gotcha, I’m only kidding.

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

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Out with the girls...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight and even did a pinkie swear.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the ...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

Just proposed and thought to myself..

I can no longer say “I’m really focused” now I have to say “I’m really engaged”

An old Republican is on his death bed

\- I have a confession to make! I declare myself a Democrat now!
\- But... but... why? You hate democrats! You spent all your life fighting with them!
\- Because now one of them will die!

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

"Where's your mother from?" my friend asked

"Alaska"

"No worries, I will ask her myself."

Today my boss arrived at work with a very cool car, and I congratulated him.

He said: "Well, if you set yourself goals, are determined, work hard and do some over-time, I can get myself a better one next year."

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer

Cause I'm not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."

"... the nurse does it for me."

"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."

I looked at my friends browser history and saw that he searched 'How to kill myself'

I still don't know what drove him to the Edge

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It’s not really PC

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

I went out with a girl who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around.

I told her, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.

Today, May 22nd, is National Solitaire Day.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

My girlfriend wasn't sure if she liked her new hairstyle.

I told her to sleep on it.

Genuinely happened today. Was pretty proud of myself.

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

What do you call a mud pie on April 22?

An Earthday cake!

I'll see myself out.

I applied for a job hanging mirrors.

It's something I can see myself doing.

How many people speak Portuguese?

I don't know, myself, but it's more than a Brazilian

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic...

It was really awkward asking them for a hanger

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Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

I was going to get a bust of my likeness just in case I become famous in the future and it's worth something.

But I decided I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

I switched…

I switched from Cox because they charged to much then I thought to myself another large bill is just on the Verizon

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

I want to be a professional mirror inspector.

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

The traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

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