The 94+ Best Touch Jokes

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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Everybody touches a pregnant's belly to congratulate her

But no one touches a man's balls and tell him good job

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

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Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

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Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

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A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

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I always tell women that I've got the golden touch.

It's easier than saying I never wash my hands after a piss.

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?

Sectional assault.

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a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...

"Just ram me up the ass why don't you" she shouted...

...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..

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A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS BULLSHIT ON IT!?

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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

It's my Cake Day,so here's a joke I like. : "Dont Touch"

Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

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A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and win...

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

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A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.

I'll show myself out.

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns.

In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

A touching tale of a man and an elephant...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply ...

I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

We have all heard of the Midas Touch...

From the looks of things 2020 was given the Trump Touch.

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

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What do you call a girl who lets you touch her breasts then sues you after?

A booby trap

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

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Does your dick touch your asshole

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
...

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

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