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Touch Jokes

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.
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I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.
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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"
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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

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I always tell women that I've got the golden touch.

It's easier than saying I never wash my hands after a piss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses
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I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.
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A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."
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During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.
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A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”
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Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine...

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<
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Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.
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My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.
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My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.
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What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file
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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.
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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

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A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and win...

What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?

Sectional assault.
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It's my Cake Day,so here's a joke I like. : "Dont Touch"

Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.
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My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed
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My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.
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I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.
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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.
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Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child
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What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.
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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."
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What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns.
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My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...
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To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.
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I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.
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My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)
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What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics
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My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.
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Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.
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How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!
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Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"
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At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.
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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.
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Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...
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When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.
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Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your asshole

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
...

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.
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What do you call a girl who lets you touch her breasts then sues you after?

A booby trap

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer
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Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away
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Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!
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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

How do plants stay in touch?

FaceThyme
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Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead
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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion
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I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.
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A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...
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"The Personal Touch"

The brothel’s madam opened the door to find an elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam.
“I want Natalie,” replied the man.
“Sir, Natalie is our most expensive girls. Perhaps someone else?”
“No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the man.
Just then, Nata...
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I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....
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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!
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We have all heard of the Midas Touch...

From the looks of things 2020 was given the Trump Touch.
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Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.
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Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
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I bet you one dollar I can touch your tit without touching your clothes

fuck it, it's just one dollar

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.
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Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time.

Where she put it was shocking.
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...
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Physics says "We can't touch anything"

So technically I'm not jacking off, Officer
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