UPJOKE
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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish

I have been feeling cannelloni

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

What do u call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A Pdf file

I got really in touch with myself this morning...

I need to use a better toilet paper.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car

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A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

I’ve never touched a mirror.

Waaaay too hot.

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Three women have just entered heaven

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with on...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

Today, I got in touch with my inner self...

I will never buy cheap toilet paper again

"Dont Touch"

Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.

That's what "You can have a stroke at anytime" means, right?

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

I got in touch with my inner-self the other day

That’s the last time I use value toilet paper.

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.

A Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine.
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer...

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.

A touching tale of a man and an elephant...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply ...

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

What happens if you touch Dwayne Johnson's ass?

You hit rock-bottom

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

"What in the name of the lord is happening here?", he asks in shock.

"Come on in, pastor Jim, we're playing a game" says one of the drunken men.

"What kind of games is this?" inquir...

3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat

2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hun...

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

Second

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" asked the husband.

"Because you're a...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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A Kosher Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.


Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."


The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"


Grandpa says "Well, ...

What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Frank, Dean and Gene were filming together in the Carribean

"You know," pondered Frank, while they were on break, "It'd be a shame if we just sat around at the hotel, wasting a beautiful day in such a beautiful place as this. We should do some exploring while we're here."

The others agreed unanimously, so they spent the morning walking around town, mi...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

Teacher Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she...

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.

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Men are like bras

A good one will give you support and lift you up.

A bad one is just there to touch your boobs.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

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So a man with no arms is walking around the store looking for help.

He walks up to a lady and asks her if she will pull his Willy out at a urinal so he can relieve his bladder. She reluctantly agrees and they go into the bathroom. She pulls his Willy out and the room is filled with this grotesque smell and it’s green and disgusting.

She then exclaims ,”oh my ...

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

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A young couple traveling on wild west, decided to ask a cowboy for directions.

The cowboy was sitting in his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:

"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"

The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man pissed off, said:

"Who the fuck do you th...

In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

At a party, Bob was flirting with a girl

The girl's boyfriend walked over to Bob and pushed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bob said, "I didn't know she was taken. I'm sorry." The boyfriend raised his fist and threatened, "If you touch my girl again, you're fiction."

Bob was confused, and asked, "Uh, don't yo...

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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The preacher's sermon

A preacher stands in front of his congregation and announces, "Listen up, everybody! This week's sermon is about ghosts, so pay special attention because I guarantee I know more about ghosts than any of you. As a matter of fact, everybody stand up." The congregation stood.

"Stay standing if y...

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

My father beats us, cheats, and whenever we touch his property, he says, “I’m going to make you pay!”

I never want to play Monopoly with him again!

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

What do astronauts use to keep in touch with friends and family?

Spacebook.

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

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Old man goes up to a prostitute,

and says that he'll give her $100 to let him do weird things to her. She agrees and they go to a nearby motel. Inside the room she ducks to the bathroom to freshen up and undress,and comes back to find the old guy already in bed. She hops in with him,but to her surprise he doesn't touch her,and they...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman...

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speec...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

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What do you call a girl who lets you touch her breasts then sues you after?

A booby trap

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

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My nickname in highscool was Horsecock!

You just touch one horse's cock and it's like you get that nickname for life!

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Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink ...

We have all heard of the Midas Touch...

From the looks of things 2020 was given the Trump Touch.

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A very attractive girl goes to confession (NSFW)

Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do Child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Ye...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

A man on a train gets up and moves to the doors..

..a conductor notices and says "Sorry sir, this train doesn't stop at the next station on a Sunday night." Seeing how disappointed he is, the conductor says "It does slow down going through the station though, perhaps there is a way I could help you if you like."

So as the train slows down th...

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