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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

What’s the scariest thing to read in Braille?

Do not touch!

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

I wrote back, “Give me the wine.

As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches fo...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

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I wouldn’t touch a tampon with a 10 foot pole.

A 2 inch string is plenty.

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up
she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”

She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my pu...

Today I told my parents that my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

They didn't understand and said something like I'm self-employed.

My friend told me, "of all of our friends, man, you're the one, you're it." I was touched.

We were playing tag.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store..

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Simba, everything that the sun touches is yours

Except the water, that is owned by nestle

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Every second on Earth, a boob is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

I know nothing about the sport of fencing

But I attended a match with a friend who promised to explain everything.

The fencer took position, and one lunged at the other who batted the blade away.

The crowd went wild.

"That was a parry." My friend explained.

The fencer lunged again, the other deflected the blade...

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a bus full of nuns

A few years ago there was a bus full of nuns, sadly, the bus’ brakes went out, and they full off a cliff. there were no survivors.

at the gates of heaven, st. peter is there, with a vat of holy water.

“alright sisters, please make a line” says st. peter, “ah sister marget, welcome to ...

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

I was touched by Jesus

in a Mexican prison

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy?

Touching.

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

I once got in touch with my inner self

That's the last time I'll use 1 ply toilet paper

A mouse touched one of my home's electric plug point and died

Looks like i found a shocking new way to get rid of vermin

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A Boy and his Grandpa were out on the Patio...

The boy asks, “Grandpa, can I try your beer?”
The grandpa replies, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”
The boy replies with, “No.”
“Well then, there’s your answer!”

A few weeks later the boy and his grandpa are out on the patio again, grandpa with his beer in hand.
“Hey grandpa,...

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

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A man and a woman met in a bar.

They went for a walk and the guy was about to ask her to be his girlfriend, but she said, "I have to pee." He responds, "okay go behind those bushes."

He hears her pull her pants down and can't control himself. He runs to the bushes and reaches in to touch her. He touches her leg and slowly g...

I won the lottery

Once a guy ask his wife "what would you do If I won the lottery"? she said "I would take half and leave you" he said "GREAT, I won $12.00 heres $6.00 stay in touch..

[Serious] We should have joke explanations stickied in the comments.

I know explaining the joke “ruins” the joke, but in text format I think this could work. No one is forced to read the stickied comment explaining it and most people read the joke before looking at the comments section. There are so many people including myself who say “IDGI” or “OOTL” in the comment...

When Peter was younger, the local priest told him that he was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

He was touched.

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Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom. Simba: What about that shadowy pla-?

Mufasa: Did I fucking stutter?

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Pay your bills

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, ...

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A grandfather takes his 10 year old grandson fishing

They're sitting in the boat out on the lake dangling their lines when the old man pulls out a pack of cigs and lights one up
"Can I have a cigarette grandad?"
Oh dear, thinks the grandad, better think of a way out of this
"Tell you what" grandad says "can your willy bend round and touch you...

I told my girlfriend that sometimes she makes me feel like a kid again.

She asked why and I said

Because you touch me inappropriately when I'm pretending to be asleep.

Sean Connery lay on his death bed as he is rushed in a helicopter.

But he isn't on his way to the hospital. As the craft gently touches down, he is carefully wheeled off and pushed into the midst of beautiful New Orleans.

"Well, here we are, Sir Connery," his doctor says, beaming. "Orleans Parish, the most culturally diverse and gorgeous parish in all of Lo...

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

Two Native men, one old and one young were walking down a railroad track

The old man places his head on the track, and comes back up a moment later. "Train come," he says. Sure enough, a few moments later a train comes by.

"Now you try," he says. So the young man places his head on the track, looks puzzled, and comes back up.

"Buffalo come". The old man, of...

How do you know your childhood is over?

The priest stops touching you.

blonde goes to the doctor

A blonde goes to the doctor saying everywhere she touches, there is terrible pain. The Doctor asks her to poke different spots on her body and explain the sensation. Everywhere she pokes, she says "OUCH, IT HURTS SO BAD!"



The Doc gives in and gives her an X-ray to try and pinpoint th...

For the last time

Bob returned from a doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I on...

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

My wife looked into the mirror and said "I feel fat and it's making me depressed."



"Well then," I replied "stop touching it."

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Three Old Ladies...

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench , A man walks up to them, opens his overcoat, is naked underneath. He jiggles his goods for them.

The first lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.

The second lady upon seeing the obscene gesture had a stroke.

The third lady...

Before he was wed Sean Connery never let anything touch his genitals except for a razor.

He was shaving himself for marriage.

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

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A boy asks his father

"Dad can i buy a new video game ?"
His father ponders for a moment and asks his son "can your dick touch your ass ?" The boy confusedly answers "no" and his dad says "well, then you are'nt man enough for it yet"

The same boy , now older asks his dad ,"hey dad can i go out with my friends...

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So there is this couple that loves going to nude beaches...

So this beautiful couple frequently visits nude beaches, as both of them get turned on by seeing each other, as well as other people and couples, walking around in the nude in public. They know some friends and regulars from the beaches, but typically keep to themselves and "people-watch" while the...

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to anot...

Just heard I've been nominated for choirboy of the year!

I've never been so touched before...

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

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Today I inadvertently touched my inner self.

It was a shitty experience.

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side,...

so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day for no reason.

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

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A blond goes to the doctor....

And says "I can't figure out what's wrong with me. When I touch my head it hurts, when I touch my boob it hurts, and when I touch my foot it hurts."

To which the doctor replies "ma'am I think you've broken your finger"

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Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.


And now I'm banned from the diving boards.

An old man has recently gotten ill, and is becoming worse as time went on...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

Question in Med school exam - Answer the following Question. When a young girl faints, you immediately touch and check her p - - s -

Only the people who answered

P U L S E,

passed the exam

Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: (trying to impress her) I'm on my period

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

Why do you never hear about women touching kids?

Because there's no female priests

“Two things can not touch, since there will always be something in between the atoms”

Good luck explaining that in court

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

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So 4 Nuns die and go to the heaven...

They are met by the god himself at the pearly gates...



Looking at them the god says, "you have spent your entire life doing my work and spreading my message and therefore you may enter the gates of heaven, but before you do that, you must tell me right now if you have ever committed a...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

My wife left me because of my pasta touching fetish

I’m feeling cannelloni right now

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

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“Girl, you put the Ass in Asymptote...”

Because I can never seem to touch it.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

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