South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

I hate these double standards. When a singer says “touch my body” it’s okay...

...but when I say it I’m “Not allowed back in Disney World”

You guys ever been friends with a touch lamp?

It’s not hard to find the places that turn them on.

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

Yesterday I got in touch with my inner self

That’s the last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

I asked this woman if I could touch her hair.

She said yes. I ran my finger over her lip and that's how the fight started.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you let me touch your wife's ass and smack it, i will pay you $100,000

Says a guy to his best friend. His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying. Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him deny such offer. She says 'you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna fuck me. I mean $100,000 fo...

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

what do you call a native american who likes to touch ghosts ?

poke a haunt ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

There's something odd about that new "DO NOT TOUCH" sign.

I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

Top 10 electrical curcuits you shouldn't touch

Number 6 will shock you!

People say I'm rich and completely out-of-touch with poor people, but that's not true

Look how responsible I am: some guy asked for money to buy some bread when I was leaving work.

But then I said: "My good man, if you eat bread now, you won't be hungry at dinnertime!"

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

When I tried to get in touch with my feminine side...

she slapped me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so straight I don't touch myself when I jerk off

My buddy Brian does it for me

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

There’s something wrong with my sense of touch and depth perception...

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]







Doctor: it looks like ...

Did Michael Jackson really touch on little boys?

AlledgedlEE-Hee

Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: (trying to impress her) I'm on my period

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side,...

so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day for no reason.

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

"DO NOT TOUCH"

"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

“Two things can not touch, since there will always be something in between the atoms”

Good luck explaining that in court

MY KEYBOARD HAS A SENSITIVE SPOT. WHEN I TOUCH IT, IT GOES

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

If you touch a sculpture below the pants without consent...

Is it called ‘statue’tory rape?

My girlfriend left me because I'm 'out of touch'... whatever that means.

She's yet to reply to my apologetic MSN messages.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She let me touch her tit when I showed her my new tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

It's impossible for the knuckle of your ring finger and the knuckle of your index finger to touch while giving the bird

Haha. I just made you flick yourself off.

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

Don't touch magic pigs...

...you might get Hogwarts.

Why didn't the 18 year old want to touch the piano keys?

They were minors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the joke about thr guy with the Midas Touch and an Oediupus Complex....

It's pure, motherfucking gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

Don't Touch It, Timmy!

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," s...

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

I'm trying to get in touch with my old judo instructor.

He is a hard man to pin down!

I got in touch with my inner self today...

I wiped a bit too thoroughly. Gonna go wash my hands now...

They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them!

And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"

'Do Not Touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here ...

What can you break without touching?

Wind

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and win...

Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

I used to have a touch and smell fetish

Then I came to my senses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his gra...

What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both touch it, but can’t eat it

Imagine being naked and walking into a room and everyone wants to touch you.

That's the life of a dog or cat.

People used to be shocked if I'd touch them, but not anymore...

...now I'm ex-static

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

What do people in Idaho say when they touch something hot?

Hot Potato.

What do people in Mexico say when they touch something hot?

Hot Tamale.

What about people in China?

Hot dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everything I touch turns to shit...

Sometimes being a chef can get pretty depressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife is pregnant,her friend will touch her stomach and say "Congratz"

But my friend didn't hold my penis and say "Well Done"

Sexual equality you said eh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your asshole

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
...

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