UPJOKE
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My wife told me I should be more in touch with my feminine side

so I crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students

A pdfile

What's the best way to get in touch with your inner self

Cheep toilet paper

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

I really got in touch with my inner self today

I am never using cheap toilet paper again.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

Go touch the window and see if it hurts

Feel the pane?

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

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A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door.

While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers an...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish

I have been feeling cannelloni

Adam and Eve

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

Adam: And...

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day

When the grandfather pulls a beer out of the esky. The little boy asks, "Grandad, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "can your dick touch your arse?" The little boy says no. So the Grandfather says "Then you can't have any beer"

A little later the grandfather lights up a...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

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A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery.

“I’d take half and leave you.”

“Great,” he said, “I won $12, here’s $6. Stay in touch!”

A New Navy Recruit Details His First Day On The Submarine…

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

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Meeting St Peter

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women,

\- "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers

\-...

Bad boy and good girl (long)

So a guy decides he wants to date this girl. He finds out that she's quite prudish but he's willing to look past that because she's really, really pretty. After constantly asking her, she finally agrees to go out with him. One date leads to another and soon they have a steady thing going. He wants ...

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

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We really shouldn't joke about sexual assault here.

It's a touchy subject.

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

It's my Cake Day,so here's a joke I like. : "Dont Touch"

Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.

I got in touch with my inner-self the other day

That’s the last time I use value toilet paper.

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Elder sitting on his porch with his grandson.

G'son: "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?" G'pa: "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." G'son: "Grandpa, can I try a sip of your beer?" G'pa "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." Grandson goes inside the house and re...

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A bus full of nuns crashed and they all line up at the gates to heaven to talk to St. Peter

The first admits: "I've once seen a penis!" so St. Peter oders her to wash her eyers from a basin with holy water

the second admits: "I've once touched a penis", so she is told to wash her hands from the same basin.

Suddenly there is pushing and rumbling a bit further back in the line....

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.

That's what "You can have a stroke at anytime" means, right?

Came back home to a message from my girlfriend

Came back to find a message from my girlfriend on the fridge.

"It's not working, I give up, I have gone to stay at my mother's"

The fridge was humming away happily. I opened it, the light was on. I touched the beers inside, they were cold.

I don't understand, what does she mean?

Favorite Leno Joke

The economy is so bad, Mc Hammer said, "For five dollars U Can Touch This."

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

I wish I could be your cactus...

So I could stick something in you every time you touch me.

A touching tale of a man and an elephant...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply ...

Bad news in the stock market today

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean.

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

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A student raising their hand during a crowded final exam of their master’s degree

“Yes. What is your question?”
The student reposes.
“ Sir, I would like confirmation of the current assignment. You have placed 80% of our grade onto a single true or false question?”

The teacher replies. “Yes, absolutely I have. There is nothing more to teach you. The only thing that I ...

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Four nuns are waiting in line for confession...

The first nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I saw a man's penis." The priest says, "For penance you will need to rinse your eyes with holy water then recite five Hail Mary's and one Our Father.

The second nun is called upon and says, "Forgive me father for I...

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

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I used to be sexually attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.


Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."


The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"


Grandpa says "Well, ...

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pl...

A young woman goes to Doctor

She was beaten black and blue.


Doctor: “What happened?”


Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes drunk, he beats me senseless”


Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water a...

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The server joke

So a group of 4 sits down at their favorite restarant and starts chatting.
The server arrives at the table and greets them and starts his normal spiel.
The table is all listening but he sees the gentleman on his left just staring at his server apron.
Her looks at him and asked if there was...

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Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

Blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says: “Doctor, what’s the problem with me?

When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!” The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

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