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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

"Do not touch"

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

What do you call an ICT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file.

So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?

No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Somethings wrong with my touch screen...

... and I can’t put my finger on it

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I once had a girlfriend that was blind, during our first ever sexy times she told me l had the biggest penis that she had ever touched ...

I told her that she must be pulling my leg.

At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen...



I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I´d ever seen.

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.

She said yes, so I ran my paw across her top lip and that's how the fight started.

An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

Did you hear about the dough you don't even have to touch?

No kneed.

At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint.

So much for a clean getaway.

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

I remember the time I was touched by Jesus on a Sunday.

It was the best summer trip to Mexico ever.

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I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

Why should you never touch NaCl?

THAT’S ASSAULT

I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away...

I don’t even touch it

I just had a breakthrough and made touch with my inner self

And that's the last time I'm ever buying single ply toilet paper.

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

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Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

My daughter walked in on me flossing.

"Dad. What are you doing? That's not cool"

"This is the easiest way for me to dry the bit between balls and my asshole,"

I was touched by Jesus

in a Mexican prison

What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation?

Ok Loomer

My friend told me, "of all of our friends, man, you're the one, you're it." I was touched.

We were playing tag.

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Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having sex.

That’ll be fucking gold.

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Once I was in a Uber and when I decided to talk with the driver, so I touched his shoulder, that seriously scared him and he yelled

\-JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL---!

\-Hey, it's just me!

\-Oh, I'm sorry. You have no idea how much you scared me now, I thought this was still my old job.

\-What was your old job?

\-I used to drive hearses.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

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What do you call it when far away, where the earth touches the sky, a prostitute stands up?

Ho risin'

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What do you call an IT person who touches kids?

A pdffile
(or if you’re from my school mr Ambrose)

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As my flight touched down in Birmingham AL the pilot said to adjust our watches for the local time.

How the fuck am I supposed to adjust my watch back to 1950

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

Simba, everything that the sun touches is yours

Except the water, that is owned by nestle

A mouse touched one of my home's electric plug point and died

Looks like i found a shocking new way to get rid of vermin

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Today I told my parents that my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

They didn't understand and said something like I'm self-employed.

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money...

But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He tol...

My friends always say not to touch crazy girls with a ten foot pole.

Well that’s okay because mine is only like 4.5 inches.

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Every second on Earth, a boob is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

A man is in a hospital bed in complete agony...

The doctor comes in and asks him "where does it hurt"

The Man says "everywhere, absolutely everywhere, I'm at my wits end, whenever I touch any part it hurts a lot!"

The doctor asks the man to point out the places the pain radiates from.

So the man pokes his knee, screaming as h...

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I'm so straight I don't touch myself when I jerk off

My buddy Brian does it for me

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together

The little girl looks down at the boy and says, “Can I touch it?”. The little boy looks back at her and says, “Hell no, you already broke yours off!”

Every night, 10 different females touch me in my bed

I hate them mosquitos

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A guy was trafficking drugs hiding them in his testicles

The airport security dog started barking at the guy.
The cops grew suspicious. So they took him to he interrogation room and stripped him off his clothes.

The officer started checking this guy. As soon as he touched his testicles he felt he was onto something.

So he tried to break h...

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

Why do bacteria wait 5 seconds before touching food?

They first need to skip an ad

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom. Simba: What about that shadowy pla-?

Mufasa: Did I fucking stutter?

You guys ever been friends with a touch lamp?

It’s not hard to find the places that turn them on.

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?

Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

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When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

Digging holes

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there, he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music.

He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day, the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up po...

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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“There once was a priest from Illinois,

Who liked to touch all the boys.

He ran from the co..”

“God damnit Bob the ‘s’ in Illinois is silent, so your fuckin joke doesn’t rhyme and the shit ain’t funny”.

Touch it softly, put 2 fingers inside.

If it's wide use 3 fingers.

Make sure it's real wet.

Rub up and down.

Yep, that's how you wash a cup.

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Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

I really wanted to learn to play the theramin,

but once I finally got one I never touched the thing.

Need a spoon?

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and s...

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Little Johnny

So, little Johnny is at his grandparents house and he sees his grandfather drinking some beer and asks if he can have some. His grandfather then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? Little Johnny responds no and his grandfather tells him that he can have some beer when it can. The next day little...

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “May I place my hand on your shoulder?” “Sure” she replies *places hands on her shoulder*

“Thank you. that’s is really touching” she said

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop,

A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus d...

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I know a tale about a priest and a child

It’s a very touching story

I’ve been thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven’t touched it in years.

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

Beware

CORONA VIRUS WARNING!!!!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Wear gloves and place all notes in a snap lock bag. Leave them in your letterbox and message me your address...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

What do you call someone who touches cereal inappropriately?

A chex offender

Some men do remember aniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She w...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the sto...

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Four nuns die and walk the stairs to the pearly gates of heaven

Four nuns die and walk the stairs to the pearly gates of heaven.

They're in a queue waiting to get in, when St. Peter walks up to one and asks her to confess her sins.

The first nun confesses, "Well one time, I touched the penis of a man with one hand."

So St. Peter replies, "Ok...

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The M4 motorway walks into a bar...

The M4 motorway walks into a bar.

"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.

The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.
<...

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Grandpa and Grandson go fishing

Grampa decides to take his grandson fishing. They put the boat in the water. Row the boat out a little ways. Grandson casts his line and then once grandpa gets the anchor in he casts his line leans back and opens a beer. This is their conversation.

"GrandPa"
"Yes Grandson"
"Can I h...

what do you call a native american who likes to touch ghosts ?

poke a haunt ass

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[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

A man sees a doctor....

A man sees a doctor complaining that everything he touches, hurts.

'Doctor, I touch on my arm, it hurts
' I touch on my leg it hurts, I touch on my chest it hurts'.

Doctor examines carefully and says,
Everything you touch hurts because your finger is broken

A man and his friend are playing golf at a local golf course one day.

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next the the golf course. He suddenly stops mid-putt, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend looks at him bewildered and says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thin...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

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Hey, do you know that feeling of touching a girl's boob?

Yeah, neither do I.

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning lif...

There's something odd about that new "DO NOT TOUCH" sign.

I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

Did Michael Jackson really touch on little boys?

AlledgedlEE-Hee

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