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Touch Jokes

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Does your touch your

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your touch your ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.

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Can your touch your ?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your touch your ?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

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Does your touch your ?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your touch your ?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

" great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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What do you call that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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Can your touch your ?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your reach your ?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s ?-

You hit rock bottom.

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I always tell women that I've got the golden touch.

It's easier than saying I never wash my hands after a piss.

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

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Can you touch your to your ?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your to your ?"

Taken aback the boy...

I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed the car and then ignored her all day for no reason.

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I used to be attracted to every touch, scent, sight, taste and sound.

Then I came to my senses.

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re 36”

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?

Sectional assault.

An alligator asked an electric eel, “hey, can I touch you?”

Electric eel: Yes, but I’d have to charge you.

It's my Cake Day,so here's a joke I like. : "Dont Touch"

Must be the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

My wife told me that I should be more in touch with my feminine side…

…so I went out and wrecked the car…then I got mad at her for the way she looked at me, 4 years ago.

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

Jimmy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."



The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
Jimmy says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

Jimmy was diagnosed with a broken index finger later that day.

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

What is 1.60 m high, has 22 legs and feigns death if you touch it?

The Italy national football team.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

I wrote a book titled ‘Do Not Touch’.

Sales have done very well, except for the Braille prints.

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital?

Cos-medics

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

Last time I hung out with Matthew McConaughey I said "Keep in touch"...

He replied back "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write"

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her , then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A .

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your touch your

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your touch your ?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
...

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What do you call a girl who lets you touch her breasts then sues you after?

A booby trap

Who performed the Imperial Roman version of "Can't Touch This"?

1100 Hammer

Ya know somedays i can fully touch my toes

and other days i’m a foot away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man whose is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!

How do plants stay in touch?

FaceThyme

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

"The Personal Touch"

The brothel’s madam opened the door to find an elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam.
“I want Natalie,” replied the man.
“Sir, Natalie is our most expensive girls. Perhaps someone else?”
“No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the man.
Just then, Nata...

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time.

Where she put it was shocking.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

We have all heard of the Midas Touch...

From the looks of things 2020 was given the Trump Touch.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.
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