Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm so straight, I don't touch myself when I jerk off.

My buddy Brian does it for me.

I really got in touch with my inner self today.

I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"

Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters..

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

When I tried to get in touch with my feminine side...

she slapped me.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your D*** touch your A****le?

A father and son go fishing.

They push off their boat and settle in when Dad pulls out a beer, cracks it, and takes a long hard gulp.

"Can I try some?" Asks the son.

"Well, I'm not sure," Dad retorts with a giggle, "Can your Dick touch your asshole?"

The son looks puzzled...

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

Top 10 electrical curcuits you shouldn't touch

Number 6 will shock you!

There’s something wrong with my sense of touch and depth perception...

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dwarf whose testicles touch the ground?

Dragon Balls.

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]

​

​

&#...

Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: (trying to impress her) I'm on my period

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

If you ever feel like you’ve failed, a lot of people dislike you, and your out of touch with the people who rely on you, just remember one thing:

YouTube Rewind 2018

Did Michael Jackson really touch on little boys?

AlledgedlEE-Hee

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side,...

so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day for no reason.

“Two things can not touch, since there will always be something in between the atoms”

Good luck explaining that in court

Question in Med school exam - Answer the following Question. When a young girl faints, you immediately touch and check her p - - s -

Only the people who answered

P U L S E,

passed the exam

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

MY KEYBOARD HAS A SENSITIVE SPOT. WHEN I TOUCH IT, IT GOES

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"DO NOT TOUCH"

"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

Why can’t T. rex touch their toes

They are all dead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

She let me touch her tit when I showed her my new tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

A doctor tells a women she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

My girlfriend left me because I'm 'out of touch'... whatever that means.

She's yet to reply to my apologetic MSN messages.

It's impossible for the knuckle of your ring finger and the knuckle of your index finger to touch while giving the bird

Haha. I just made you flick yourself off.

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear the joke about thr guy with the Midas Touch and an Oediupus Complex....

It's pure, motherfucking gold!

I touch myself when I think of you.

It's called a facepalm.

Don't touch magic pigs...

...you might get Hogwarts.

Why didn't the 18 year old want to touch the piano keys?

They were minors.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Want to hear a joke about sex offenders?

Never mind, it’s too touchy.

Don't Touch It, Timmy!

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No," s...

What can you break without touching?

Wind

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole?

**One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny ...

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here ...

I got in touch with my inner self today...

I wiped a bit too thoroughly. Gonna go wash my hands now...

People used to be shocked if I'd touch them, but not anymore...

...now I'm ex-static

What do people in Idaho say when they touch something hot?

Hot Potato.

What do people in Mexico say when they touch something hot?

Hot Tamale.

What about people in China?

Hot dog.

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

I'm trying to get in touch with my old judo instructor.

He is a hard man to pin down!

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though...

...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

If a woman likes you, you can tell her real hair colour from how it feels. Blondes touch you hard, brunettes touch you fast, redheads touch you...

Gingerly

They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them!

And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"

Imagine being naked and walking into a room and everyone wants to touch you.

That's the life of a dog or cat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his gra...

I used to have a touch and smell fetish

Then I came to my senses.

'Do Not Touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both touch it, but can’t eat it

Can I touch it?

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy and asked him, "Can I touch it?" He replied, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and win...

My Dad told me specifically not to touch the keyboard...I pressed Ctrl-B

It was a bold move

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everything I touch turns to shit...

Sometimes being a chef can get pretty depressing.

To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified

Especially when it's written in Braille.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried getting in touch with my inner child...

..but the little fucker bit me!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my wife is pregnant,her friend will touch her stomach and say "Congratz"

But my friend didn't hold my penis and say "Well Done"

Sexual equality you said eh?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does your dick touch your asshole

A little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap while his grandpa was smoking a cigar. the boy askes his grandpa, "could I have a drag your cigar?"
The Grandpa says to the little boy, "well can your dick touch your asshole?"
The Little boy says "no" so grandpa tells him he can't have a drag.
...

Why is it that when kids touch themselves, it's "perfectly natural"...

but when I do it, I'm a "pedophile"?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you touch your dick to your asshole?

One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks "What's that grandpa, can I have some?"

In response grandpa asks "I don't know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"

Taken aback the boy...

My parents always told me as a kid "you can look, but you can't touch".

I had no idea they were preparing me for marriage.

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

I think I'm going to sell my theremin

I haven't touched it in ages...