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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

I never believed in the after life, spirits or ghosts...

Until I got on dating apps.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

Spirit animal

What's the spirit animal of the LGBTQ community?


Eunuch-orns

A spirit walks into a bar

The bartender says "SINCE WHEN DID VODKA BOTTLES HAVE LEGS?"

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That’s the spirit.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

Since Christians believe that God is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit

Clearly states that Jesus Christ suffered from Tripolar Disorder.

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

A ghost walks into a bar...

The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

That’s the spirit

A pastor goes to the local farmers market
There a boy is selling dam fish
The boy tells the pastor to buy some of his dam fish. The pastor calls him out on his language, but the boy explains that he caught the fish at the local dam. The pastor buys some me and goes home. When his family is hav...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Why did the spirit medium cross the road?

To contact the "other side".

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

Why do evil spirits make terrible drivers?

Because they aren't sure when to stop, or Wendigo.

A King, a Queen, and a Clown

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.

At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.

The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

How does Mario contact the spirit realm?

With a L-Ouija board.

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

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Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit

They were out in the forest when the bear attacked the rabbit. All of a sudden the spirit of the forest appeared and said, “STOP! I will grant you both three wishes.”
The bear said, “my first wish is that I’d like to be the only male bear in the forest so i could have all the females.”
The rab...

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

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Nothing says you're in the Christmas spirit

quite like searching 'Christmas' on Pornhub.

Mahatma Ghandi walked bare foot most of his life...

...which left his feet very rough and calloused over. He also believed in living within ones means, so he ate only what was necessary to survive. This left him very skinny and frail. People also believed Ghandi to have magical abilities, considering him to have the abilities of a seer or even commun...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Did you know the criminal spirit resides in the middle?

Center con soul

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

Two kids are playing with an Ouija Board

Kid 1: Spirits are you here with us, tonight?

The piece that tells you the answer went to yes

Kid 2: Wow, these really do work

Kid 1: Spirts, why are you here?

Then the piece that tells you the answer went to “Y” then it went to “O” then it went to “U” it went off of “U” ...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife...

What did the evil spirit say when someone burned some sage?

"Wow, you're so incense-itive."

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What would you like people to say about you after you die?

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were all asked the same question: “What would you like people to say about you after you die?” The priest said: “I hope that people say that I helped them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit offers to them through the Ch...

Someone stole all my booze, and I'm not even mad.

They lifted my spirits.

A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?"

"About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.

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In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I ...

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

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To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

If you get a priest to bless vodka and drink it...

Are you filled with the Holy Spirit?

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

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Reddit, my girlfriend is having a kind of crappy day. Any good jokes I can tell her to lift her spirits?

The last few weeks have been pretty tough for her, and we're in different states because of school, so I can't be there. I'm trying to lift her spirits by texting her jokes. Any help would be much appreciated.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"...

Mind, Body and Spirit wal into a bar (repost from /r/Buddhism)

Mind says, "I'll have a beer please."

Body says, "I'll have a beer please."

Spirit says, "I'll have a beer please."

So the bartender serves one beer.

A man walks into a pizza shop and the guy behind the counter is the Dalai Lama...

...The guy, incredulous, says, “Your Holiness, you run a pizza shop?!”

The Dalai Lama replies, “Yes, I’ve always said that work is good for the spirit”.

The guy replies “I see,” then thinks for a moment and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

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