UPJOKE
soullivelinesscourageghostpsychelifevigorintentexuberanceessencebansheeholy spiritspiritednessspectrespecter

Spirit Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call prostitutes that only work for spirits?

Ghost busters

What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah

Where do spirits buy food?

The ghostery store

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

The Spirit

A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congr...

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

The wall-rus.

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

My friend and I used to make frequent conjugal visits to an all-female prison to help lift their spirits.

And it also gave us some scents of perp-puss.

Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian?

Use a Luigi board.

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father, son, and holy spirit

Worst kill-fuck-marry of all time

Broke out the ouija board and asked "is my father's sister's ghost's spirit in the room?"

The board read "say aunt's."

There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's the spirit

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...



"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.



"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.



Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language a...

What's the difference between Elvis and a millennial's spirit?

Some people still think Elvis is alive

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

My spirits

I asked a friend to lift my spirits. When I returned home all of my hard liquor was gone

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the World Cup just days away I've finally prepared my house to get into the spirit

I locked up some immigrants in my basement and took their passports away until it's fully refurbished to watch the games.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 8 year old niece told me this yesterday...

A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish." The man says okay and buys some and brings them home...

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

Why did the spirit medium cross the road?

To contact the "other side".

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

I never believed in the after life, spirits or ghosts...

Until I got on dating apps.

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

Once upon a time...

In a big forest full of secrets and shadows, there was a young couple who loved to explore. This forest was their special place, away from all the noise and busy life. One day, while they were walking deep in the woods, they heard a deep, gruff voice say, "Boy." They looked around, but couldn't find...

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

Why did the ghost ride in the elevator?

To lift his spirits.

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and has a seat. Before he has a chance to order, a mysterious man in black walks in and whispers into the guy's ear exactly what drink he should order. And then the man mysteriously leaves without another word. "Who the heck was that?" the bartender asks. "No idea. Every time ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.