I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

Spirit animal

What's the spirit animal of the LGBTQ community?


Eunuch-orns

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.

​

“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”

​

“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”

​

The prosecutor repl...

Do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That’s the spirit.

A spirit walks into a bar

The bartender says "SINCE WHEN DID VODKA BOTTLES HAVE LEGS?"

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment

God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.

An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies "don't worry,...

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

That’s the spirit

A pastor goes to the local farmers market
There a boy is selling dam fish
The boy tells the pastor to buy some of his dam fish. The pastor calls him out on his language, but the boy explains that he caught the fish at the local dam. The pastor buys some me and goes home. When his family is hav...

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

A ghost walks into a bar...

The ghost orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve spirits here."

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Why did the spirit medium cross the road?

To contact the "other side".

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance...

And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off.

See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. ...

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

Why do evil spirits make terrible drivers?

Because they aren't sure when to stop, or Wendigo.

Did you hear about the baby ghost who joined the football team?

He heard the coach say they needed a little team spirit.

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits.

So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

Jack Daniels couldn't be here today,

But he's here in spirit.

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

Did you know the criminal spirit resides in the middle?

Center con soul

For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

How does Mario contact the spirit realm?

With a L-Ouija board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

How does a booze thief make you feel better?

He lifts your spirits.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Sandpaper Sally

A young man was celebrating his 18th birthday and having a heck of a time. Everything was great and the day couldn't be better. After the evening festivities died down his father approached him.

"Son, are you a virgin?" He asked, with his gift in hand.

"No, dad! I have made the sex wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?"

"About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts!

Therapist: That's the spirit!

Me: Oh fuck where

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through the market one day.

He hears a man yelling, "Get your dam fish here!"
The man is puzzled and asks the man, "Why are you saying such bad things about these fish?" The fish vendor laughs and says, "No no, these are DAM fish--as in they were caught near the dam."
"Oh I see," exclaimed the man, "I'll take some dam f...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Masturbation and Nirvana?

Almost nothing. Both smells like teen spirit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of a TIL that made it to the front page.

I'm sitting on this plane and the pilot comes on the PA system to tell the passengers that we are now flying at cruising altitude and all that nonsense but when he put the phone down he missed the hang up. All the passengers could still hear the pilot as he turns to to copilot and says, "You know I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things: 1) You must drink one gallon of 151...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit, my girlfriend is having a kind of crappy day. Any good jokes I can tell her to lift her spirits?

The last few weeks have been pretty tough for her, and we're in different states because of school, so I can't be there. I'm trying to lift her spirits by texting her jokes. Any help would be much appreciated.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

Mind, Body and Spirit wal into a bar (repost from /r/Buddhism)

Mind says, "I'll have a beer please."

Body says, "I'll have a beer please."

Spirit says, "I'll have a beer please."

So the bartender serves one beer.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"...

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was giving a talk on the occult

He asked the crowd if anyone had danced with a spirit?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had kissed a demon?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost? This time an old hillbilly in back raised his hand and the man said “sir please stand up and tell us about the...

The Pope & Mr. Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
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