UPJOKE
soulcourageghostpsychelifevigorintentexuberanceessencebansheeholy spiritspectrespectergeniephantom

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Broke out the ouija board and asked "is my father's sister's ghost's spirit in the room?"

The board read "say aunt's."

God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit are going on vacation...

God the Father says "Let's vacation in Israel".

God the Son, Jesus, says "Too many bad memories there. Let's vacation in Berkeley."

God the Father says "I'm not into the Mother God, hippy vibe."

The Holy Spirit says "I know, let's go to Rome and visit The Vatican"

God the...

Where do spirits buy food?

The ghostery store

The Spirit

A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congr...

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

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With the World Cup just days away I've finally prepared my house to get into the spirit

I locked up some immigrants in my basement and took their passports away until it's fully refurbished to watch the games.

What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

Idk, but his wife said he was a Cheetah

Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian?

Use a Luigi board.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and has a seat. Before he has a chance to order, a mysterious man in black walks in and whispers into the guy's ear exactly what drink he should order. And then the man mysteriously leaves without another word. "Who the heck was that?" the bartender asks. "No idea. Every time ...

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

A young man gets hit by a bus and his mother holds a seance.

A young man gets hit by a bus and his distraught mother calls a mystic and they hold a seance.

The mystic tells the mother that it's very good she called so soon, because the spirits of the deceased only have a short time while they are awaiting their eternal destination to commune with the l...

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says sorry we don't serve spirits here

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me: I've conquered my fear of ghosts

therapist: that's the spirit!
me: oh fuck where

There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Why is heaven hard for alcoholics?

Because they're surrounded by Spirits.

What's the difference between Elvis and a millennial's spirit?

Some people still think Elvis is alive

My love life has been vacant for so long...

... it became a Spirit Halloween.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

I found Nirvana by switching to a keto diet.

The only downside: I smell like protein spirit

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

When one door closes...

A Spirit Halloween store opens.

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What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

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Father, son, and holy spirit

Worst kill-fuck-marry of all time

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. Your Holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths. The Pope thou...

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Fat guy wants to contact the spirit world

Fat guy says to his friend "I really wish I could talk to my dead brother, maybe I should get medium"

Friend says to him "A medium? You're gonna need an extra large motherfucker."

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

A Nun was performing standup for the first time...

A Nun was performing standup for the first time and hadn't really settled on a set. Deciding to put her faith in God she simply asked the crowd what kind of humour they might like to hear from a Nun. A big man stands up, aims the overhead lamp in his face, and growls "I want to hear puns from the Nu...

What do you call an argument between two drunks after last call?

A spirited debate.

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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That's the spirit

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...



"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.



"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.



Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language a...

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

How do ghosts fly?

Spirit-plane

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

In my town people have become so ruthless and mean of spirit that near where I live there is an eye clinic called

Asif Eye Care

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

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In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

How do ghosts get drunk?

They drink spirits

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

My friends call me the exorcist...

Because after I leave there are no spirits left in the house

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

A tramp walks into a decorating store

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have ...

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

Why do Scotsmen make good ghost hunters?

Because after they enter a house there’s nae spirits left

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

Since Christians believe that God is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit

Clearly states that Jesus Christ suffered from Tripolar Disorder.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

A spirit walks into a bar

The bartender says "SINCE WHEN DID VODKA BOTTLES HAVE LEGS?"

A group of people are teleported to hell...

Satan sucks the life spirit out of all of them, but one.

He was the soul survivor.

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

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