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What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

Found my spirit animal

It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.



I'll see myself out now.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

In my town people have become so ruthless and mean of spirit that near where I live there is an eye clinic called

Asif Eye Care

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

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That's the spirit

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...



"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.



"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.



Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language a...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

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"Let's try anal" says her boyfriend.

She: Fuck that shit

He: That's the spirit!!

Why do ghosts use elevators?

to lift their spirits.

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

What kind of foursome do Catholic Nuns like?

A foursome with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit!

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?

That's the spirit.

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but ...

Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

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In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

I hear Marks and Spencer are embracing the wartime spirit.

Personally I think it's a step to far, bit if it takes bombing Germany then so be it.

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building?

She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit.

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

What do you call a dead crackhead?

A methylated spirit.

Happy NY!

An old blind man walks into a hardware store

He asks the cashier,

“I’d like to get into carpentry, but how could I ever make anything with my disability?”

The cashier, not knowing how to help, tried to find a way to help the old man.

“Well, if you were to start I’d go really slow, don’t get any heavy machinery or complic...

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?

The wall-rus.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

"Grandma, if you can hear us, show us a sign"

until 2019 : Spiritism session.

2020 : Skype call session.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

Why is the forklift operator at the distillery you own always so nice to you?

Because it's his job to lift your spirits.

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

I never believed in the after life, spirits or ghosts...

Until I got on dating apps.

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

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Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day

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Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker could not be with us tonight....

But, he's with us in spirit.

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

A spirit walks into a bar

The bartender says "SINCE WHEN DID VODKA BOTTLES HAVE LEGS?"

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

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Genie in a vase

(Really long joke)

A young married couple were out playing golf for the first time when the husband overhit a drive towards a mansion just outside the course. They find the window broken and the door to into the mansion half opened when they rushed over. Thinking it best to just sincerely a...

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

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The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

What do you call blessed alcohol?

The holy spirit.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

People ask, "Why do you hunt evil spirits?"

It's because my doctor said exorcising would be good for me.

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

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