UPJOKE
soulcourageghostpsychelifevigorintentexuberanceessencebansheeholy spiritspectregeniephantomzombi

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

There's a rumor an evil spirit is haunting houses nearby

They say that if it enters your house, your spelling starts to worsen. But that is only suprestition, ther is no whey deth e gost Ken du sash è t1ng, rait?

What's the difference between Elvis and a millennial's spirit?

Some people still think Elvis is alive

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Father, son, and holy spirit

Worst kill-fuck-marry of all time

A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

What's a hookers spirit animal?

Crabs

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

My friends call me the exorcist...

Because after I leave there are no spirits left in the house

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What Happens When a Spirit Masturbates ?

It gets ghost nut clarity.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

A tramp walks into a decorating store

A tramp walks into a home decorating shop.
The guy behind the counter greets him

"morning, what can I do for you today?"

"2 bottles of methylated spirits please!"

The guy has seen this before "no way buddy, I know your game, you're gonna drink em, it'll kill ya I won't have ...

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

Why wouldn’t the bartender give a ghost a drink?

Because they didn’t serve spirits.

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

Why do Scotsmen make good ghost hunters?

Because after they enter a house there’s nae spirits left

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

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That's the spirit

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...



"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.



"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.



Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language a...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

A group of people are teleported to hell...

Satan sucks the life spirit out of all of them, but one.

He was the soul survivor.

How do ghosts get drunk?

They drink spirits

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

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After meeting with my Japanese friend in Tokyo I went to a local bar

I bought some sake. And some more. And was it vodka? Or martini. Definitely something with L in the name. And some sake. I saw other patrons turned into pigs, a bartender dragon flying around and a guy turning into a polluted river in the bathhouse. I was very much spirited away.

What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?

They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

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In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

Follow me for more history tips!

In reading about the sailors of yore, I've found them to be a hearty lot. Times were tough, of course, and some of them turned to pirating. Still, a few of them never lost their community spirit; they would sing and dance together whenever the opportunity allowed them to. They even formed a small gr...

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

My spirit animal is a bull

Because, I too, charge head first into red flags

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but ...

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What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

How do you get ectoplasm out of your hair?

Mineral spirits.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

Halloween logic-gate joke I came up with

What do you call someone who will always banish one of 2 spirits, but never both?

An XORcist

I hear Marks and Spencer are embracing the wartime spirit.

Personally I think it's a step to far, bit if it takes bombing Germany then so be it.

Picking sides

A couple walks into a bar on steak night and both decide to order the steak dinner. But, they can't decide between the optional baked potato, mashed potatoes or French fries that are offered with it. After a spirited debate on the merits of each, they ask for help. "Excuse me, waiter," the young man...

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

So I saw this ghost today and...

The ghost was sad, told him a joke, lifted up his spirits. But I was sad after realizing that this joke is dead

You know what would really lift my spirits these days?

If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

What do you call the spirit of a dead chicken?

A poultrygeist.

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

A Pastor is preaching on Loving Your Enemies

He expounds on the value of grace and forgiveness to all and how we are called to love our neighbors and our enemies as much as we love ourselves.

The congregation is roused to action and filled with the Holy Spirit

The pastor asks them all "Will you go out into the world and love you...

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

Since Christians believe that God is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit

Clearly states that Jesus Christ suffered from Tripolar Disorder.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

A spirit walks into a bar

The bartender says "SINCE WHEN DID VODKA BOTTLES HAVE LEGS?"

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

Cold war joke.

There's a sale on panties at the New York Macy's store
An American woman goes to the checkout with 7 panties.
Cashier:" Only 7? They're on sale this week.
The woman replies,"No Thanks,7 is all. One for every day of the week."
Next in line is a woman from France with 5 panties.
Cashier...

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

Need barber jokes for a friend

My friend is having a rough time in barber school so i've been sending funny hairdressing jokes and memes in an attemot to keep his spirits up but i've run out. Please send more to help make a stressed student happy

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

I never believed in the after life, spirits or ghosts...

Until I got on dating apps.

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

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An explorer a fur trader and a governor are captured by indians

After much debate the tribe elders decided not to kill them but instead to have them participate in a ceremony thereby becoming honorary members of the tribe.

During the ceremony the tribes Chief declares each new member of the tribe must be given a name that represents there true spirit.
...

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

Why did the spirit medium cross the road?

To contact the "other side".

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"Let's try anal" says her boyfriend.

She: Fuck that shit

He: That's the spirit!!

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?"

"About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.

Bubbles in bathtub

Old joke, repost:

A new lady teacher came to teach students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and a hobby.

She said, Lets start first with boys.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is...

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