Found my spirit animal

It's a bull, because I too, run headfirst into red flags.



I'll see myself out now.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken’s spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's the spirit

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...



"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.



"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.



Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language a...

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Is it possible for an evil spirit to be dyslexic ?

Asking for a fiend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

I'd like to hire a bad guy, demon, or evil spirit

asking for a Fiend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

My spirits

I asked a friend to lift my spirits. When I returned home all of my hard liquor was gone

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my girlfriend that we should try anal..

"Fuck that shit!" She said.

"That's The spirit!'. I replied.

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

I'm chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I'm outside in the beautiful sunshine.

I guess I must be Soular powered?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do boobs on talking trees and spirits have in common?

They are both entitties.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Are you scared your house is haunted.....

Just drink spirits to show them who's boss

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but ...

I went on a spirit journey, and learned my ancestral guide is Optimus Prime.

It was an Autobot-y experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I ever tell you about my friend who could fuck spirits?

Great guy, terrible barman

Did you hear about the woman who got shot at the protest at the Capitol building?

She flew to DC in Delta and came back in Spirit.

What do you call a dead crackhead?

A methylated spirit.

Happy NY!

I hear Marks and Spencer are embracing the wartime spirit.

Personally I think it's a step to far, bit if it takes bombing Germany then so be it.

An old blind man walks into a hardware store

He asks the cashier,

“I’d like to get into carpentry, but how could I ever make anything with my disability?”

The cashier, not knowing how to help, tried to find a way to help the old man.

“Well, if you were to start I’d go really slow, don’t get any heavy machinery or complic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

"Grandma, if you can hear us, show us a sign"

until 2019 : Spiritism session.

2020 : Skype call session.

I invented a new drink I call the Mockingbird. Like a Martini, it can be made with different spirits.

Now, if it becomes popular, I can walk into a bar (as we do in all good r/Jokes) and order a Tequila Mockingbird.



\[Sad note: So, just before posting this, I Google and find that of course someone before me has thought of this, and the Tequila Mockingbird is already a thing. Ah well.\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker could not be with us tonight....

But, he's with us in spirit.

I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently.

I used a Squeegee board.

I'm a bit of a Scrooge

But last night I had a visit from three spirits. The were called Jack, Jim and Henry... Made for done wonderful Christmas cheer...

Merry Christmas

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

Why is the forklift operator at the distillery you own always so nice to you?

Because it's his job to lift your spirits.

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ghosts like to ride the elevator?

It lifts their spirits
happy spoopy day

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

you shouldn't date spirits

they'll always ghost you

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

My weird friend is now engaged to a spirit.

I’m happy for him as he has found his boo.

What do you call blessed alcohol?

The holy spirit.

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

"Spirit, what is your name!?"

Spirit: WAAAHHHH.

Me: Goddammit, this is a Waluouija board!

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?

They bless the reins down in Africa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie in a vase

(Really long joke)

A young married couple were out playing golf for the first time when the husband overhit a drive towards a mansion just outside the course. They find the window broken and the door to into the mansion half opened when they rushed over. Thinking it best to just sincerely a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Say what you like about cocktail waitresses,

but they'll lift your spirits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

Spirit animal

What's the spirit animal of the LGBTQ community?


Eunuch-orns

Kurt Cobain hated “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so much...

He killed the songwriter

What is Elizabeth Warren's spirit animal?

A Pander Bear

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

The preacher and the ghost.

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the gh...

How do you get bullied by evil spirits?

By communicating with them with a Wedgie Board.

The effects of COVID-19 on Trump

White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany said “President Trump remains in good spirits, has mild symptoms, and has been working throughout the day.”

Who'd have guessed COVID-19 would improve Trump's work ethic?

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

Where do the most apples grow?

The *Appala*chian Mountains!


Hope you like this cheesy joke.


\-HapiSpiritUnity

What do you get when you mix ornithology with Mexican spirits?

Tequila Mockingbird

Do you wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

That’s the spirit!

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

A ghost walks into a bar at 4 am.

The bartender says: “sorry, we don’t serve spirits after 3.”

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

What do you call a spirit of pride, entitlement, privilege, and arrogance?

An heir elemental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

What do ghosts drink...?

Spirits!

A new and easy test for COVID-19

Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.

Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.

I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free eve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Judge: What made you go to the prison?

Criminal: Competition, Sir!

Judge: Competition?

Criminal: Yes, Sir, I made the same coins as the government did.

"We call hard-drinking Ian an exorcist." "Why?" asks the bartender.

"When he shows up, all the spirits disappear."

I'm trying to get into my Christmas spirit..

but the cork is stuck.

Why did the sad little boy bring a ghost into the elevator?

To lift his spirits

Everyone loves a place that spreads Christmas spirit!

That’s why the liquor stores do so well

A Mars rover barged into my house. I knew it was Spirit

because Opportunity knocks.

A Hobo/Tramp walks into a hardware store and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits

The cashier refuses to sell it to him, ‘you’ll just drink it! It’s terrible and will kill you, I’m not selling you this!’

‘I promise I won’t, honest to God I won’t drink it!’ Says the hobo.

‘Ok, I’ll sell it to you, but no drinking it!’

‘Thanks!’ Says the Hobo as the cashier rea...

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me five shots of vodkas."

The bartender brings the drinks, raises an eyebrow and empathetically asks, "What up, man. Rough day?"

The man downs his first shot and says, "Just found out my eldest son is gay. I ain't prejudice, but I was raised how I was raised. I just need a bit of spirit to accept it."

Two night...

A man died and was spirited to Heaven....

...where he met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around."

They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."

They walked a little further and sa...

If you’re feeling sad, get in an elevator with a few ghosts

...it will really lift your spirits

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher goes fishing for the day

He ends up on the dam and catches a few fish and isn't sure what the fish are, so he walks over to another fisherman and asks him what kind of fish they are. The other fisherman looks at him and says "Well you caught them off the dam, so I guess dam fish."

Later that night he is sitting down ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.