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Felt Jokes

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

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Bob felt tired all the time, so he decided to go to a doctor to check what causes it.

"Okay Bob, could you describe to me how a normal day looks for you?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the first thing I do when I wake up is fuck my wife.

Then I take a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, and fuck my wife. Then I brush my teeth and fuck my wife before going to work.

...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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[NSFW] I was wondering why some people felt sexually attracted to animals, and decided to investigate.

During my research I went down quite a few rabbit holes.

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

I felt it deserved better

Context: Me and my wife are setting up to rent an airbnb apartment, conversation earlier that went like this.

Me: We need to decide how many towels to give our guests.

Wife: 2 for the shower, 1 big 1 small,

Me: And how many tea towels do we put in the kitchen?

Wife: 1
...

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

Caught an STI and felt sad.

Got the sympathy clap.

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

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My mom asked if I was OK with hamburgers for dinner, and I felt bad for the cows.

I said "I at least don't want to eat the *nice* cows. Is there a way to only eat the assholes?" She replied "Hot dogs it is!"

“I felt nothing”

Man comes home at six and his wife gives him a peck on the cheek. Noticing his detached expression, she asks him what’s wrong. He says, “I felt nothing.” She takes a deep breath, then gives him the kiss of her life. He stares at her and repeats, “I felt nothing.” Hurt, her tears flowing freely, she ...

At first Maximus Decimus Meridius felt remorse for consuming his wife.

But in the end. He was gladiator.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

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From Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come inside me...

but never quite felt his penis."

I felt a little bad about posting a joke about the Amish

Oh well, it's not like they'll ever read it.

Why did the pimp call a meeting of his hoes when he felt unsure about himself?

# He had to gather his thots.

I've always felt 6:30 was the best time of day

Hands down

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

I gave my dog a beer last night. I asked him how he felt this morning.

He said ruff.

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

I asked my dad how he felt about having the best son in the world

He told me to ask my grandpa.

Before I met my wife I always felt incomplete

Now I’m finished

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When you are dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

Also when you're fucking stupid.

I asked my Mexican friend how he felt about Trump building the wall...

He said he’d get over it.

Felt like doing some lunges but…

That would be a huge step forward

My girlfriend told me she felt unappreciated….

I guess leaving a tip on the nightstand is not what she had in mind

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

My dad felt he was clearly a woman

I guess that makes him TransParent

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it

I should have told her about the electric fence

Answer: Felt Forum

Question: How did Helen Keller find her boyfriend's balls?

My dad's mother told me that she felt really empty inside.

She said she was a hollow gram.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

My dad said the guy at work got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine and felt terrible the next day...

I said “what did you expect from taking two Johnson’s at once”

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I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

i felt like i needed a drink so i walked into a bar

the bartender asked me what kind of drink i wanted

i said: "surprise me"

so he showed me a naked picture of my wife

The ice floe felt really bad about sinking the Titanic...

...it was A Nice Berg.

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

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I felt creative today, and decided to paint a cat.

Turns out, those fuckers are really hard to catch.

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

What was the last thing Jesus felt?

Cross...

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

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Last night I seriously felt shit.

My toilet paper ripped mid wipe.

I felt sorry for the sea world animals trapped in enclosures. So I fed them some fish laced with hashish.

It felt good to serve a higher porpoise.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A fly felt something bite his back...

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"

"Hey! What are you? A mite? "

Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"

Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."

Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

After the divorce went through, Kevin felt...

Unbridaled joy.

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I felt shit this morning.

That's one of negatives about being a prostate doctor.

After a long time, I told my neighbor how I felt...

Now we’re teaching a hatmaking class together.

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An old one, but felt relevant today.

Little Johny is sitting by himself on the curb. He’s been there for hours only focused on one thing, until the local mailman walks up and says “hey Johny, whatcha doin?”
Johny says “mixin.”
Mailman says “whatcha mixin?”
Johny says
“Mud and shit”
Mailman says “whatcha making?”
Johny...

A COVID patient felt insulted when I wished him well...

I told him to stay positive.

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

My doctor said I could touch myself whenever I felt like it.

His exact words were that I could have a stroke any time.

Same thing.

There’s a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It’s really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

I felt my personal trainer was being a bit of a bigot today…

When he told me his one rule was “no trans fats“.

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

A reporter asked a man how he felt when he found out that he won the lottery.

"As soon I saw the numbers line up, I knew it was going to be wife changing."

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Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.

You know what I felt coming to the States?

Missouri

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

What did the 44th President of the United States say when he felt lonely?

O-ba-maself

My wife felt guilty

I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote

I was watching A New Hope on my felt couch the other day...

When I suddenly let rip a massive fart, so big that it caused the fabric to ruck up and fold over itself.

I forced a great disturbance in the felt.

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

I haven’t felt nostalgia for anything in a long time.

I remember all those times I used to, man those were good times.

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

I was wondering why I felt pain wherever I touched on my body

Turns out I had a cut on my finger

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I bet he felt pretty good about himself...

A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man's luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is...

There was a time I felt excited for my Cake day.

Then I realized I have no joke to share for it.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

I said to the doctor that I felt short and depressed

He reminded me that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

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I wish my penis knew how I felt about him

He’s a dick to me, but he is only a pain in the ass to other people, sometimes.

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way...

so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

Felt like bringing back an old but gold one

Q. Where does a king keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about.

It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

I felt bad when I made some redditor cry with one of my witty comebacks

Sorry for the riposte

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

A man went to the doctor because he felt sick and tired because he couldn't stop telling airport jokes.

He found out it was terminal

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I felt shit this morning...

That's the last time I use 1 ply.

I asked my wife if she felt my erectile dysfunction has improved since I got on meds…

She said I’ve got room to grow.

I felt like my nose was bleeding.

But after checking, it’snot.

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