My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

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Emma was not like the other girls. She didn't know why all the others were crazy about Derek. She felt more intimate with Jessie and the cheerleaders than with another guys. She was reaching a moment in her life when she had to ask herself the question.

Emma gay

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I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers...

... So I gave her a triffid.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

You know what I felt coming to the States?

Missouri

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An old one, but felt relevant today.

Little Johny is sitting by himself on the curb. He’s been there for hours only focused on one thing, until the local mailman walks up and says “hey Johny, whatcha doin?”
Johny says “mixin.”
Mailman says “whatcha mixin?”
Johny says
“Mud and shit”
Mailman says “whatcha making?”
Johny...

Answer: Felt Forum

Question: How did Helen Keller find her boyfriend's balls?

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As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

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Last night I seriously felt shit.

My toilet paper ripped mid wipe.

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

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I wish my penis knew how I felt about him

He’s a dick to me, but he is only a pain in the ass to other people, sometimes.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.



Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

There was a time I felt excited for my Cake day.

Then I realized I have no joke to share for it.

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

I saw my ex-girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello..

there was just too much history between us..

I woke up to a dozen ants crawling all over my body this morning because i left a snickers bar wrapper in my bed from the night before, i killed a couple but then i felt bad so I've let them make me their home.

They are now my tenants.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned into butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

A fly felt something bite his back...

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"

"Hey! What are you? A mite? "

Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"

Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."

Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

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I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Last night at the bar, this guy was hovering behind me for a while trying to talk to me. When he left, I felt something wet through the back of my shirt.

Do you think he was coming onto me?

Today I was on the bus and I farted, four people turned around and looked at me.

Felt like I was in The Voice.

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

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I asked my penis if it felt depressed knowing it's only function of existence is to purge out bodily fluids all day, everyday, for all eternity.

He said ***At first, it pisses you off, but then you cum to enjoy it.***😉

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

The day my wife died, I felt the worst pain I ever felt in my entire life

I somehow shot my eye when I popped the champagne cork.

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A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink, before downing it. He orders another and downs that. He does the same thing with another drink.

This goes on for a while before the bartender, concerned for the patron, said “Hey man, is everything okay?”

The man gave a depressed sigh: “Honestly, no. I came home ...

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state

Many years ago there lived a poor fisherman in a coastal city-state. Once, while at the market trying to sell seafood he received a gold coin as payment from a stranger. Since this was worth more than he ever earned in a year, he was overjoyed. He decided to hide his gold coin in a space between bri...

Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone...

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Reincarnation - My favorite joke of all time.

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

All day I felt like I forgot something very important, then Don Cherry reminded me..

I need to start looking for a job.

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I decided to give up masturbating

I haven't felt myself since

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

What did the Canadian say when asked how she felt about the Northern provivences?

“I like Nunavit”

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comm...

Going into IKEA before I felt bad but couldn't help laughing at an old couple who seemed to be confused about how to exit the revolving doors.

Anyways, two hours and 15 meatballs later I was wheeling my new dining set, garden furniture and flatpack coffee table out when I too found myself stuck in the revolving doors. Oh how the tables turned!

I felt horrible when I reacted to a deaf man "are you deaf?!"

Gladly he didn't hear that.

My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

Two men were kayaking down a cold river

They felt that if they didn’t do something soon, they’d freeze to death. So they decided to build a fire between them which ended up burning a hole through the vessel and sank it. This just goes to show you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final.

8 black men and a gun

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

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Stormy Daniels: "So I felt this huge dick come inside me"...

but I never quite felt his penis.

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People are going crazy from being in isolation!

Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting co...

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I felt shit this morning.

That's one of negatives about being a prostate doctor.

Rudeness vs Kindness

Rudeness vs Kindness

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked and yelled at me; very upset because maybe I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she le...

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

A real classic

So a man is listening to his daughter prey she says "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless grandma good bye grandpa" when asked why she said goodbye she responded with "I just felt like I should." The grandpa dies. A month later the daughter is preying as her dad listens in again. The daughter...

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

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I fucked a DVD

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

The old homekess man

I saw this old homeless man at a parking lot outside of Walmart holding up a sign.

I felt bad for him and gave him a dollar. The old men then smiled and gave me back my money with an extra dollar.

I was confused so i said " sir this money is for you " as i handed back the $2.

...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

It was late at night .....

It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving.

They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they ...

I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way...

so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...



A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too...

An irate lady approached me today at the hospital

I had just finished taking care of one of my patients and had moved to the next patient, when this lady ran up to me.

“How dare you give my son a shot?!” she exclaimed, gesturing rudely at me.

“Uhhh...” I said, confused. “Well I asked your son if there was anything I could get him for ...

How did the blind farmer react when his dog got loose in his cantaloupe patch?

He felt a bit melancholy.

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

My wife is a teacher.

One day I came back home and found a note of my son which stated, " Mom is teaching with laim man. "

I felt proud as she was following her passion and putting her knowledge in use.

Untill I remembered my son is dyslexic.

Two guys lighting up a joint.

After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.

Why?

>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<

There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<

“Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas this year.”

“I have felt your presents.”

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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Male chicken with a bad attitude

So i used to run this chicken farm and we had this male chicken with a really bad attitude, a real dick, an asshole. So as a joke I named him anus, but since all the other chicks were scared of him I thought I have a really good specimen here. So I started to train him, really got into him... no ho...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

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A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

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A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

I saw a billboard today, and I felt like it was speaking directly to me.

My friends say it's a sign.

Birthday

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remem...

A Penguin is driving in his car

Suddenly, the car broke down and he needed to tow the car to the mechanic

After leaving the car to give the mechanic time to analyse it, he felt hungry and spotted an ice cream shop nearby. He ordered a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but because the store had run out of spoons, he needed to u...

Camping

A blonde was out camping in the woods one day when she encountered a big Grizzly bear. Just when she was about to run, she remembered hearing that playing dead can save her life.She was told to be completely still and not make any noise. As she laid on the ground playing dead she felt the bear sniff...

Two women meets in the afterlife,

\-Hello, My name is Mia!

\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?

\-Well... I froze to death.

\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!

\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?

...

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

I've always felt 6:30 was the best time of day

Hands down

I asked my Mexican friend how he felt about Trump building the wall...

He said he’d get over it.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the do...

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."


(Apols if its a repost, it is very old. I first heard it in my kennel)

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