UPJOKE
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Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?

Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

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I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

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My first sexual experience was scary...

I was all alone!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

Just want to share a personal experience.

I've recently watched The Queens Gambit, and I cant stop thinking about the girl. Her eyes always remind me of my mother, and how far we've grown apart.

I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had ...

How do people with ADHD experience déjà vu?

The word saippuakivikauppias is the longest palindrome ever.

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

In my experience, what's the key to a successful marriage?

Whiskey.

We just discovered that the minister in our church never had any relevant training or experience - he's not even religious! In other words, he's an...

...impastor!

Paranormal experience

-Son: Dad have you ever had any paranormal experiences?


-Dad: Yes I did, your mother told me once that i was right.

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

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Holiday experience.

I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

[Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life.

Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.

if life is an "experience"

Then how much do I need to level up?... Because I've taken a few

My psychic told me that I was going to experience heartbreak in 16-18 years.

So to cheer myself up, I got myself a puppy!

Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience?

You only pay for what you knead.

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

I just had the worst experience with a mosquito.

It sucked!

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

Whats the difference between a moving story and a touching experience?

a priest.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

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Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative's experience?

The little kid says, "My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of...

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

I paid a hooker $400 to get “the girlfriend experience”.

We just argued for an hour over Roe v Wade

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Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

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I was informed all my students learned from experience

that's why I decided to teach sex ed

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What's it called when some has their first anal experience?

Colonization

Some people get to experience threesome

Most people get to experience twosome

Guess I'll just have to live with being handsome

what do you call an unrecognizable pilot with over 10,000hrs of flight experience?

A master of da skies.

As an experience it had highs and lows.

My bloodpressure and willpower respectively.

Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

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"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

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My X-ray experience

Just went for an x-ray and the radiologist asked if I had any metal implants.



I replied: nothing much just balls of steel.

I had a bad experience with Microsoft Excel

I guess you could say, it was a sheet experience.

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

Dad, why is my name Experience?

Son, it's because Experience is the name we give to our mistakes

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What does a person with unsymmetrical boobs experience?

Identitty Crisis

Tell me your near death experience

My friend: on that day, my dad almost used the condom.

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In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

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My first condom experience..

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Smiths pharmacy.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go into a store and ask for that kind of item, because everyone in town knew me, and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Sarah) kne...

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

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I asked my buddy about his experience in prison...

He told me it was a really big pain in the ass.

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A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

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My first sexual experience was when the parents of the girl next door caught us playing "Doctor".

They didn't actually see anything, it must have been the $30,000 bill I sent her that tipped them off.

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

Why does the brain experience so much anxiety?

Because it’s part of the nervous system

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

Joke made from personal experience What’s purple and makes you cry?

Mamas flipflop

Today I had a near death experience

This guy just dropped dead right next to me

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

I was excited for my first skydiving experience

I guess I'm not the only one, because i felt my instructor's excitement rubbing against me.

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A guy walks into a brothel looking for a new experience

He says"I've done it all and I am bored with sex maybe there is some new you can offer me.". After going over many options the lady at the counter says"We have a girl with a glass eye. She can take it out and you can do the socket.". The guy says"I've never done that before. I'll give it a try.". W...

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

I Have Had plenty of Experiences with Defenestration.

It's never pane-less, unfortunately.

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In my experience...

Cunnilingus is clit or miss.

And don’t get me started on eating ass...

It has been my experience...

That short people are more down to earth

Today I had an out-of-body experience

I was beside myself.

I loved my entire college experience.

I had fun that day.

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