UPJOKE
suffergo throughknowundergofeeltasteseemindperceptionhavelivegetreceivetimereality

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you canโ€™t quit and peopleโ€™s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

if life is an "experience"

Then how much do I need to level up?... Because I've taken a few

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Holiday experience.

I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What's it called when some has their first anal experience?

Colonization

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I donโ€™t think it hurt too much.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I was informed all my students learned from experience

that's why I decided to teach sex ed

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

A man weโ€™ll call โ€œEgon Tuskโ€ had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

I paid a hooker $400 to get โ€œthe girlfriend experienceโ€.

We just argued for an hour over Roe v Wade

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

Prince Andrew is going to inherit The Queen's Corgis.

Makes sense with his experience in grooming.

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

โ€œWANTED: GYNECOLOGISTโ€™S ASSISTANTโ€

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day

i love working at the morgue.

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasnโ€™t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My first sexual experience was when the parents of the girl next door caught us playing "Doctor".

They didn't actually see anything, it must have been the $30,000 bill I sent her that tipped them off.

Laugh and the world laughs with you,

snore and you sleep alone. [from personal experience.]

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

As an experience it had highs and lows.

My bloodpressure and willpower respectively.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. Iโ€™m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

What do job hunting and incels have in common?

They both expect years of experience from a first timer.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

Yo mama so fat...

that when she went to space, she didn't experience weightlessness.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I told the genie I wished all animals loved me.

It was a fucking wild experience.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

Paranormal experience

-Son: Dad have you ever had any paranormal experiences?


-Dad: Yes I did, your mother told me once that i was right.

Why does Mace Windu hate Microsoft?

He had a bad experience with Windows.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, โ€œYou donโ€™t have much experience removing bras, do you?โ€ Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

I had a bad experience with Microsoft Excel

I guess you could say, it was a sheet experience.

A farmer was out cultivating their field...

... the experience was just harrowing.

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

โ€œLetโ€™s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then weโ€™ll meet back up and share experiences.โ€

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

There is an experience some podcast hosts have in which the more popular they get, the dumber they seem and the more ridiculous shot they do.

Itโ€™s called the Joe Rogan Experience.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Some people get to experience threesome

Most people get to experience twosome

Guess I'll just have to live with being handsome

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

You know what gives me butterflies no matter how many times I experience it?

Raising caterpillars

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.

The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.

The first o...

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

One of the top questions Iโ€™ve been asked is โ€œwhatโ€™s the best way to spend your money when youโ€™re homelessโ€

And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What can be said about a sperm bank's pornographic materiel that can also be said about the sperm donation experience in its entirety?

So it's come to this

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What does a person with unsymmetrical boobs experience?

Identitty Crisis

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

Women were twice as likely as men to experience depression this year.

No one was eating out.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town.

I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was
searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads.
I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me
how to get to the J...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

Holy Holiday

Jesus, Mary and the Holy Ghost try to plan a vacation.

Holy Ghost: "Let's go to Lourdes!"

Mary: "Oh, let's not. The people there will recognize me and fall to their knees, that's like work! So what about Jerusalem?"

"No", says Jesus. "I had a really bad experience there! How abo...

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

The Star Wars Surprise

A man went to a space-themed diner for lunch. Looking over the menu, he spotted the weekly special, the Star Wars Surprise. It was nearly twice as expensive as most other items, but promised an experience you wouldn't forget.

Curiosity getting the better of him, the man ordered the special. H...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.