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I just had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

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Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Today I had an out of body experience

I was beside myself

It was an overwhelming experience when I touched my inner self.

Anyway, I only use 4-ply toilet paper since then.

In what career do you become more incompetent with more years experience?

Suicide bomber

A friend asked me if I'd ever had a paranormal experience.

I said I'd been ghosted by numerous people.....

It has been my experience...

That short people are more down to earth

The first time I took a girl back to my apartment, she sighed and asked, “You don’t have much experience taking off bras, do you?”

I said, “What gave me away?”

She said, “The scissors, mostly.”

A word to the wise from personal experience.

If your brother, Charles is being held over allegations of drug dealing, it's no help putting up a banner on his house saying "Free Charlie."

An atheist’s near death experience:

God: Welcome my son!

Atheist: God?

God: Yes; you’ve had an accident do not worry. You will wake up soon enough.

Atheist: So before I do I’ve got to ask... did Noah really build an arc for all the animals in the world?

God: Yes, but you’ve got to realize that ...

You know, under the right context, a kidnapping has the potential to be a very serene experience

For example, a kid napping.

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A pot-heads ice-fishing experience.

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice. He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" Booms a voice. The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole. "T...

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

My first time time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time it brought me down.

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences...

"In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There were a few gasps from the parishioners and several of the children began to giggle.

"I loo...

This is my go-to joke to tell whenever a joke is needed. It usually only gets a laugh out of older people (but that's just my experience).

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getti...

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

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“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. “Give it a try,” said the heart,

"You're full of shit" said the bowels.

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(NSFW) I just had my first experience with Anal

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

I just had my first experience with one of those new environmentally-friendly, paper straws.

They suck.

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A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience!!!!

That surprised me, i thought it was an entry level position. :(

I once saw a fight where a group of 4 people were beating up an old lady. Due to my fighting experience I didn’t hestitate for a second to help.

She didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

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In my experience, people who don’t like butt stuff...

Are usually full of shit

[Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life.

Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.

Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

In my experience, what's the key to a successful marriage?

Whiskey.

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website...

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

What do you call someone with experience in spices

A seasoned veteran

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

My experience on Tinder has been so bad..

that now I am on Grindr

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church?

Nun.

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We had student's contest for the best short story of the first sex experience. The obvious winner was titled:

"Home Alone"

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

Had the strangest experience at the dentist.

A few days ago, I was due to go to the dentist to get a filling. The doc and his team of assistants check it out and then asked the other tech to come over and get me some novacaine while they go to another patient. The other tech was way over on the other side of the room just kinda hanging out an...

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In my experience...

Cunnilingus is clit or miss.

And don’t get me started on eating ass...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

If Hell is customized to be the worst possible experience for each individual....

Then I guess I’ll never die

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

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How could the novelist remember his first experience of an orgasm?

He titled it 'A Sticky Note'.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

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Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

I took a wrong turn during a driving experience at Silverstone.

There's now an Aston Martin parked in my driveway.

What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience?

Veggietales.

Feral people don't experience morning wood...

They experience morning bark

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.

Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow, answers the door.

"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."

"My God....

Bra Shopping: A religious experience.

David goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you’d know what I meant."

The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time since anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for ...

This most recent snow storm was a lot like what women experience with me in the bedroom

What was supposed to be 8" somehow turned into 4"

I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

I asked my friend about his bad experience with Mexican food.

He said he didn't want to taco about it.

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live...

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences.

During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

Getting breast implants is an experience you'll never forget.

Those mammaries will stay with you forever.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Of all the experiences in my life, I think I can honestly say that getting struck in the hippocampus

was the most forgettable.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

My experience from FPS gaming really paid off when my wife wanted to have a baby.

Spray and pray.

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

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(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

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A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her surprise the guy ...

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