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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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My first sexual experience was a lot like my first football game

It hurt a lot, but at least my dad came.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience!!!!

That surprised me, i thought it was an entry level position. :(

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(NSFW) I just had my first experience with Anal

That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper.

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

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Interviewer: Any experience of operating heavy machinery?

Guy: Does your mother count?
Interviewer: fuck! you're hired.

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“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. “Give it a try,” said the heart,

"You're full of shit" said the bowels.

Our leader is a joke to the world, he’s made terrible descisions, he lacks a lot of experience, he’s cost us a lot of money, and he hasn’t made many people happy.

At least it’s only Justin Trudeau.

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My girlfriend said she wanted our first sexual experience together to be like a fairytale.

So I invited seven midgets to join in.

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

I once saw a fight where a group of 4 people were beating up an old lady. Due to my fighting experience I didn’t hestitate for a second to help.

She didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

This site uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on the site. By continuing to use the site, you agree to accept these cookies...

I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website...

Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

What do you call someone with experience in spices

A seasoned veteran

TIL Bill Gates once released a swarm of mosquitoes at a TED talk about malaria, saying that it shouldn’t be an experience only for poor people...

I can't wait to go see his new talk about gun violence.

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An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

[Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life.

Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.

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We had student's contest for the best short story of the first sex experience. The obvious winner was titled:

"Home Alone"

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

My experience on Tinder has been so bad..

that now I am on Grindr

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt all that much."

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church?

Nun.

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

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In my experience...

Cunnilingus is clit or miss.

And don’t get me started on eating ass...

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

If Hell is customized to be the worst possible experience for each individual....

Then I guess I’ll never die

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First sexual experience

Son comes home all happy.
-Dad, dad, today I had my first sexual experience!
-Well done son. Sit and tell me all about it.
-Can't. My ass hurts too much.

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

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How could the novelist remember his first experience of an orgasm?

He titled it 'A Sticky Note'.

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

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Grandfather shares his experience to the young fellow!

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, "How often should you have it?"

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you...

Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

Feral people don't experience morning wood...

They experience morning bark

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

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Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.

Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow, answers the door.

"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."

"My God....

Bra Shopping: A religious experience.

David goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you’d know what I meant."

The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time since anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for ...

This most recent snow storm was a lot like what women experience with me in the bedroom

What was supposed to be 8" somehow turned into 4"

What is it called when a person wakes up from a coma and tells you about their experience?

Veggietales.

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

I asked my friend about his bad experience with Mexican food.

He said he didn't want to taco about it.

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next...

My experience from FPS gaming really paid off when my wife wanted to have a baby.

Spray and pray.

Of all the experiences in my life, I think I can honestly say that getting struck in the hippocampus

was the most forgettable.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live...

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences.

During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

I had my first UFO experience this morning

I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus "Morning fat ass".

Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…

I didn’t expect her to scream for as long as she did…

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(Long) Donald Trump has a meeting with the Queen of England...

...And he says 'Your majesty, I think America is the greatest country, all the people, I've asked say so, all over the world, and they all agree, we should become, a Kingdom!'

The Queen looks at him and says 'Mr Trump, in order to become a Kingdom you need a King, and you are certainly not a ...

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(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

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Sex with ghosts

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do an...

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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

My wife's skydiving experience ended horrifically.

The parachute worked.

Whats the difference between a moving story and a touching experience?

a priest.

How do you make a weiner go soft but simultaneously make it experience hard times?

Sentence it to 21 months in prison.

Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world.

Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

Wiping with only one square of toilet paper is a meditative experience....

You really get in touch with your inner self.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

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What type of bear is bisexual and experiences mood swings?

Bi-polar.

The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far

"There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."

[Long] The Genie's Experience. (Taken from r/WritingPrompts but works on r/Jokes)

"And now, for your final experience!" Exclaimed the genie, throwing his arms wide and his chest out. Before him, an elderly man stood, his fingers still clutches around the lamp. And though wrinkles cut into the man's face, and wisps of grey hair danced around his temple, the genie was his senior by...

Why do you ask for such a high salary if you don't have any experience?

-Well, it's a lot harder to work if you have no idea what you are doing

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences

and why not to talk to your wife or girlfriend about weight gain.

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

[Dad joke] A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciati...