My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

Americans will understand this joke

Free healthcare

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I don’t understand how people are complaining about visual bugs in Cyberpunk 2077

It’s just your character’s cyberoptics malfunctioning.

I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish

Almost everyone eats corn

I finally understand what the republicans mean by there is election fraud...

Simple mistake really, we are getting more votes than people because we forgot to convert some by multiplying by 3/5.

I understand that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

But this election is taking things too far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

How long does it take someone who doesn't understand astronomical measurements to change a lightbulb?

A lightyear

Anyone who doesn’t understand...

The difference between geologists and geographers really rock my world

My six fingered friend doesn't understand why everyone else is okay with only having 5 fingers.

He feels that it's an odd number.

I didn’t understand my math homework.

It was blown out of proportion.

If I had a penny for everytime I didn’t understand what was going on

I’d be asking “Why do I keep getting pennies?”

I don't understand why Youtube demonetized my videos.

It just makes no cents.

I’ll never understand how the song Free Bird became a meme amongst musicians

Anyway here’s wonderwall

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I don't understand women...

One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her bloody bags.

She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before sex. I just shrugged and said "Habit".

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

I don't understand why people say that 2020 is a terrible year

It's the best year of the decade so far

I don't understand how poll watching is important...

But I'll never say no to watching a pretty woman dance.

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.

The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.

My son just can't understand the gravity of a situation.

So i grounded him,
Maybe it will make him more down to earth.

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

Every other country simply does not understand why the United States keeps making such a big deal about 9/11...

"Never forget", "Fallen Heroes", "forever in our hearts",

Big woop, it means nothing to us.

the 9th of November is just as boring as any other day

I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween

People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

Today is the first time I visited r/Jokes and couldn't understand why there's no flair called "Original Content"

Now I understand.

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My girlfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, I was understandably nervous

She told me a small penis was fine

I still wish she didn't have one at all

I can’t understand why my calculator just stopped working.

It just doesn’t add up.

What do you call an unpainted ledge that doesn't understand you?

A blank stair

My friend said. “I don’t understand cloning."

I said. “That makes two of us."

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

55% of the people do not understand mathematics.

It's good that I'm one of the other 55% who understand it.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me, “You have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?”

I said, “Can’t say that I do.”

My therapist said, “Yes, that’s the main one.”

My friend told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic, because we were stood at a bus stop when he told me.

“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?”

“No. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3...”

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After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

Nobody could understand Othello.

It's because he was speaking in Moor's code.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Do you understand this joke

Tom: "John, how is your brother?"

John: "He was injured and lying on the bed."

Tom: "It's terrible, how could this happen?"

John: "We played games to see who can stick his body farther out the window more, and he won."

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what was going on...

I'd be asking, "Where are all these dimes coming from?"

I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more

Seems like people are really sleeping on them

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Why are hat jokes the hardest to understand?

Because they always go right over your head

I dont understand why they say cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

Having trouble understanding improper fractions?

Our helpline is open 24/7.

My dad always made me feel special because he made up knock knock jokes just for me, but I couldn't always understand them.

Last time I saw him he said:

> Knock knock

Who's there?

> You're a mountain

You're a mountain, who?

> You're a mountain to nothing, son!

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

I don’t understand all this hate towards the police...

...I mean they’re an amazing band.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Now I understand the need for USB

The USA is broken, so they needed to make a new one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you understand the essential difference between sex and conversation?

No? Do you want to go upstairs and talk?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”

“Bitch, please,” I said.

I don’t understand how some people eat so many chickpeas.

I’d falafel.

I don't understand why people have a problem with corona protest demonstrations.

Shouldn't everyone be pro testing?

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn’t speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.

One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

"I order you to stand over the new recruits. Do you understand, Lieutenant?"

"No, I overstand".

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I've been holding myself back from posting communist jokes, as some people don't understand it.

Communist jokes become funny only when everyone gets it.

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I just don't understand why black people don't like the police

They have tons of great songs and Sting is a great singer

I don't understand why everyone is upset about the Russian vaccine nothaving a thirdclinical trial.

I was under the impression that giving it to millions of Russian citizens is the trial.

No one understands the importance of milliseconds, more than a volunteer firefighter.

It's the amount of time they have between meeting you, and telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

I don’t understand why people don’t seem to get along with vegetarians.

I have never had a beef with one.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

An Understanding boss

— “Boss, can I leave work two hours early today? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.”

— “That’s out of the question.”

— “Thanks, boss! I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

I don't understand why christian people hate people with piercings.

Jesus had 4 of them.

I didn’t really understand baseball in the past

Just didn’t catch it back then

I don't understand how Dr. Doofenshmirtz still hasn't killed anyone yet.

I mean, he uses the term inator a lot.

What's the opposite of understanding?

Oversitting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with 3 people is called threesome.

And sex with 4 people is called foursome.
I guess I understand now why everyone calls me handsome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

I didn't understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down...

Then the Penne dropped

I couldn’t understand why so many people liked Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure part 5. Most of the lines aren’t even delivered that well. But then it hit me...

It’s not delivery, it’s Giorno.

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

I totally understand batteries

I'm not included with anything either

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

Three guys are drinking at a bar.

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

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