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Understand Jokes

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"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote.

What does it even mean?!

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices

and blame the cost of living

I understand now why my cat sleeps so much.

She's living life on paws.

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

Can Flemish and Dutch people understand each other?

Two Flemish men are in Holland and see a poster: "Shirts - 5 Euros". They turn to each other and say "Wow, that's cheap. Let's buy a dozen to resell them back in Belgium"

They enter the store and say, in their best possible Dutch: "We would like 10 shirts, please".

The man behind the c...

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

Why couldn’t the thief understand sarcasm?

>!He took things literally!<

There is one spice i will never understand why people use it in their food

I mean who wants to eat something with Cumin there?

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

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Ladies, if you feel like your man just doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is to give him a blowjob.

It's the quickest way for him to get inside your head.

I don't understand sigma males

It just doesn't add up

There are only 10 types of people

- Those that understand binary
- Those that don't understand binary

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gi...

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd have $37.25

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Jokes about anal are hard to understand.

But you usually get it in the end.

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

My wife doesn't understand why I prefer to play Mario Kart over having relations with her

In Mario Kart, it is a GOOD thing when I finish first

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

I always explain things so the stupidest person in the room can understand

But for some reason I always end up talking to myself.

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

My friend said they didn't understand cloning.

I said, "that makes two of us."

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Speak English, you moron!

An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm geschissen," ('Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it'). The guy shouts ...

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

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A friend once told me he enjoyed masturbating in front of other people. When I told him I couldn't relate, he made a real effort to help me understand...



...and now I can see where he's coming from.

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

I don't understand...

I don't understand people who use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.

I guess you have to draw the line somewhere,

or people will think you're irrational.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...

How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?

He admitted his kilt.

My girlfriend said "you never understand what I'm talking about"

I said " What the hell is that suppose to mean"

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Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

Why is it so hard to understand middle schoolers in the locker room?

Because of their overwhelming axe-scents

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

There are 10 types of people in the world

The ones who understand binary and the ones who don't. And apparently eight more the guy wouldn't tell me about. Smug git

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he sai...

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

"You have to take this through your rectum"

Old man doesn't quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

"What's rectum?"

"I don't know, why don't you go ask the doctor"

Back to the doctor's office he tries t...

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

I can’t understand why people have a problem with breastfeeding.

It’s perfectly natural and helps strengthen the bond between me and my dog.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Happy π day!

If you struggle to understand the concept of π, remember:
Where there is a wheel, there is a way.

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in

Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

I finally understand the ending of Lord of the Rings!

All those names are people who worked on the movie.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfoun...

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

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For those who don't understand why management at Netflix has collectively shit the bed.

It's a Heard mentality.

A man gets stung by a bee

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

**Doctor:** "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

**Man:** "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

**Doctor:** "No, you do...

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

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a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

A mathematician and an engineer were placed in a room with a beautiful naked woman on the other side.

The proctor says over the intercom, “every time the bell rings you can move half the distance to the woman.”

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

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A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

If a dyslexic doesn't understand a Korean blueprint,

Would they say instructions nuclear?

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Proper English

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

I just don’t understand women

I’m trying my best to acknowledge and befriend them but it’s always the same!

”Who are you”, ”What are you doing in my house”, ”I’m calling the Police”

Three surgeons were discussing their patients.

The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on electricians, you open them up and everything is colour coded and tagged and easy to trace'

The second surgeon says 'I enjoy opening librarians. Everything is catalogued and in order, so really easy to find things'

The third surgeon says 'I ...

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Some of my friends are really hurtful. I feel like many of them don't understand the meaning of the word "commitment".

I've invited them to four of my weddings in the past two years and they haven't attended any of them.

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I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

A tech company gets a new CTO...

She comes in and says hey, we're gonna make some changes around here.

Mondays we won't work, we'll be recovering from the weekend. Tuesdays we won't work, we'll be getting ready for the work week. Wednesdays, that's our new work week. Thursdays we won't work, we need to recover from a long wo...

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Blind guy at he lumber yard Long

A blind guy applies for a job at the lumber yard. Owner can't discriminate so he gives him an interview with the understanding that he has to get 100% on the interview to get hired.

1st task is to walk over to a skid of oak and tell what it is. Guy bends over and smells it, says that is easy...

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Laundry

A young couple lived in a small studio apartment, which was perfectly fine when it was just the two of them, but once their first baby arrived, things started getting a little crowded. They also started feeling a little self-conscious about discussing sex in front of their baby, even though he was ...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.

I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

She said "Huh?"

I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"

For some reason, she ...

I don't understand why people are still using shampoo...

When they could be using **real** poo

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

I tried to make my students understand why the earth pulls objects towards itself...

I guess they just didn't understand the gravity of the matter.

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