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Understand Jokes

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other te...

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.

Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

Why don't most people understand ED?

I mean, it's not that hard.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money...

I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took ...

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

I don't understand why people are celebrating pi day.

It's irrational.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

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"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote.

What does it even mean?!

Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...

* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices

and blame the cost of living

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

I'm trying to understand how there can be so many school shooting jokes on Reddit...

But I guess everyone's aiming at a younger crowd.

Some folks'll never understand sailors...

...but then again, some forecastle.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

I can't understand how people are fine with eating hot dogs

I think they're just offal!

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Jokes about anal are hard to understand.

But you usually get it in the end.

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I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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I don't understand why incels are so upset all the time.

Seriously, they're mad about fucking nothing.

I don't understand the biology of hair growth

It just goes over my head

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

Why couldn’t the thief understand sarcasm?

>!He took things literally!<

Can Flemish and Dutch people understand each other?

Two Flemish men are in Holland and see a poster: "Shirts - 5 Euros". They turn to each other and say "Wow, that's cheap. Let's buy a dozen to resell them back in Belgium"

They enter the store and say, in their best possible Dutch: "We would like 10 shirts, please".

The man behind the c...

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

Chuck Norris doesn’t understand the Periodic Table…

… because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.

I don't understand sigma males

It just doesn't add up

My friend told me that I didn’t understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

The US has been forced to stop using their mint. It does not work and they can't understand why

It makes no cents.

I finally understand the ending of Lord of the Rings!

All those names are people who worked on the movie.

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

I don't understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.

I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.

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I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

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I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn

then I remembered that taste is relative.

Only Beer drinkers would understand

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.
The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Be...

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

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A joke I heard in elementary school and didn't understand until much later.

Why does superman pinch his nose during sex?

Because he doesn't like the smell of burning rubber.

I don't understand women

I thought opening a door for a lady was the polite thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

There is one spice i will never understand why people use it in their food

I mean who wants to eat something with Cumin there?

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

My friend said they didn't understand cloning.

I said, "that makes two of us."

I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

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I told my therapist that no one understands me...

She said, "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't understand how you always stay so calm when we're having an argument,"...

....a man told his wife. "How do you do it?"

"I stay calm because I know that, even if you get the last word, as you often do" she replied with a shrug, "I'll get to clean our toilet."



"How in the world does that help?" he asked.



"I always use your toothbrush," ...

My wife and I got into an argument because she said I don't understand the concept of irony.

Ironically, we were at a bus depot at the time.

My wife doesn't understand why I prefer to play Mario Kart over having relations with her

In Mario Kart, it is a GOOD thing when I finish first

I just don’t understand women

I’m trying my best to acknowledge and befriend them but it’s always the same!

”Who are you”, ”What are you doing in my house”, ”I’m calling the Police”

I don't understand all the hate for Ajit Pai. He's just doing his job.

If he didn't, Verizon would probably fire him.

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

When you understand confirmation bias...

...you'll start noticing it everywhere.

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

There are 10 types of people that understand binary

Those who don't and those who do

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?

He admitted his kilt.

I always explain things so the stupidest person in the room can understand

But for some reason I always end up talking to myself.

I don't understand French women.

Or French men, I don't understand French.

My girlfriend said "you never understand what I'm talking about"

I said " What the hell is that suppose to mean"

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

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I don't understand women...

One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her bloody bags.

She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before sex. I just shrugged and said "Habit".

I can’t understand why people have a problem with breastfeeding.

It’s perfectly natural and helps strengthen the bond between me and my dog.

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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Geopolitics you need to understand.

Complex Geopolitics

The US has apologised to France and will likely bring them into AUKUS. Australia will be replaced and so the new alliance will then be known as FUKUS…

If Australia stays, then it becomes FUK-USA.

If Canada joins, it will be known as CAN-FUK-USA

If I...

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

I don't understand why people are still using shampoo...

When they could be using **real** poo

In order to understand recursion..

One must first understand recursion.

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

Why is it so hard to understand middle schoolers in the locker room?

Because of their overwhelming axe-scents

I don't understand the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people, I can just have dinner with my parents.

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

Hopefully, you will understand

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view. So he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out ¨Can you see me now?¨ They respond...¨Yes¨,¨Oui¨,¨Si¨,¨Ja¨.

Anyone who doesn’t understand...

The difference between geologists and geographers really rock my world

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

People in Dubai wouldn't understand the humor in the Flintstones,

but I know people in Abu Dhabi do.

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For those who don't understand why management at Netflix has collectively shit the bed.

It's a Heard mentality.

I will never understand why it's spelt "John Cena"...

...and not " "

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I don't understand the opposition to same sex marriage.

Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?

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My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

It is hard to understand English

but you can learn it through tough thorough thought, though!

I don’t understand all this hate towards the police...

...I mean they’re an amazing band.

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

The young alien didn't understand why we call them "dad jokes" ...

Until one day it became apparent

Nobody could understand Othello.

It's because he was speaking in Moor's code.

Only intellectuals will understand

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

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A priest is trying to understand why people do bad things.

The priest decides to call a meeting with his 3 nuns to discuss people's motivations. Ultimately they realize that they don't know very much about this topic and that it is necessary to go out into the world and do some "bad" things. The priest instructs each nun to go out and do "bad" things and co...

I honestly understand cannibals...

...they’re just so fed up with people.

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