Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

Wife: "I regret getting you that blender for christmas"

Me: (Drinking toast) "Why?"

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

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Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gi...

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A Japanese contractor at a US company

He works alongside the other staff but he stays kinda reserved and by himself, doesn't mingle, doesn't talk much, apologizes profusely all the time and at the end he stands in front of the others and asks them for a moment of their attention, with a bowed head and deep regret in his voice.

"M...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Once upon a time...

There was an old lady who found a genie lamp. The genie appeared and said "I will grant you 3 wishes"

For her 1st wish the old lady wished for 10 million dollars and ***poof*** 10 million dollars appeared in cash.

For her 2nd wish the old lady wished to be young again and ***poof*** s...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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In a faraway land there was a king

And he had a very beatiful daughter, the minister loved her so much that he would offer anything for a night with her, So the strategist made him an offer: "give me half your wealth and I'll think of a way so you get to kiss her for a whole day...but if you break our deal you will regret it"
...

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

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Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

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I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

A Police Officer Knocks on a Woman's Front Door

A police officers knock on a woman's front door.

Woman: "Hello officer!"

Officer: "Hi mam, I come bearing grim news I'm afraid"

Woman: "and what's that now?!"

Officer: "Well I regret to inform you that your husband and young son's bodies were found. Luckily they both were...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

You can teach a man to fish...

But you can't teach a fish to man..

*I regret nothing

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A man was stranded in the desert with his camel......

A man was stranded in the desert with his camel. One day while hopelessly walking through the sand, he found a supply bag full of water and food. He was good for days with these supplies, so he began his journey to find civilization again.

One day he was overcome by the urge to have sex. He ...

What is your biggest regret in life?

Not understanding how subreddits work.

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

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Two old widowers

Two old friends, both widowers, are sitting on a bench recounting the days of their youth and discussing what they've done in life.

Widower 1: My only regret is that I cheated on my wife early on in our marriage. I can only admit it now as my wife is no longer alive. I was young and foolish a...

Wife hears a knock on the door...it’s the police:

Police: We regret to inform you your husband died today. It was a work accident.

Wife: Noooo! (Starts crying) whyyyyyy! Please tell me how!!

Police: unfortunately he tripped and drowned at the beer tank of the beer factory were he worked.

Wife: oh my godddd!! What a painful deat...

My friends invited me to barbecue night yesterday. I said no but now I'm regretting it.

That was a missed steak.

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand

Bangkok

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

I phoned my wife earlier and asked

her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

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Since we're doing translated jokes: here's a Greek one my father used to tell

An old man had a donkey that helped him with his daily duties. As the times got harder, the old man realized that he needed to do something about his financial situation. He had the idea to gradually reduce the amount of food he gave to the donkey.

Every day the meals of the donkey got smalle...

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

Shakespeare and Lord Byron at the gates of Heaven

Shakespeare and Lord Byron get to the gates of heaven at the same time but St Peter regrets to confirm that they only have one vacancy left. He decides to let them compete for the one spot in a poem writing competition. He gives the task to include "Timbuktu" in an improvised poem. Lord Byron goes f...

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

What does Elton John have after getting drunk at an Italian restaurant?

Penne and regrets

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Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

John didn't wear the mask

**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**



\- John, put on your mask!

*- No! It's harmful.*

\- John put it on, what are you doing?

*- I ignore the masks*

\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party l...

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150".

Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.



So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark?

The woodpeckers.

What do you call it when Indians regret something?

Hindusight.

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The Cadillac salesman got pissed off at me so I regretfully upgraded my SUV purchase...

The whole situation really Escaladed quickly.

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

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