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Regret Jokes

Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I'm starting to regret it.

I thought it would be a good look, but I just can't pull it off.

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.

He shouldn't beat himself up over it.

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Name one fight you regret starting.

A sword fight with the bidet

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

Why did Quentin Tarantino regret directing a Ninja Turtles movie?

Because he felt the villains being called "The Foot Clan" was very misleading.

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

So after Sonic Youth broke up Thurston Moore was asked did he have any regrets when it came to the band

And he said “Yeah, 100%”

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

What do you call the Greek God of Regret?

Apollogies.

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

Hungover regrets

Charlie meets up with Tom for lunch and Charlie looks down in the dumps.
Tom asks "Whats up buddy? Why so down?'
Charlie replies "I'm hungover and i had a really bad night."
Tom asks 'What happened?"
Charlie replies " I decided Id go out and have some drinks. I had way too many ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

John regrets getting a brain transplant.

I guess he changed his mind.

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tragedy at the Bridge

One chilly evening, a redhead pulls up alongside a bridge. Down below is a half-frozen river, black and dangerous to behold, even fifty feet up. A fall would surely kill the redhead. He climbs over the railings and stands there, starting to weep.

A few minutes later, a brunette pulls up alon...

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?

A decision he would come to regret

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