The 81+ Best Regret Jokes

Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.

He shouldn't beat himself up over it.

Name one fight you regret starting.

A sword fight with the bidet

So after Sonic Youth broke up Thurston Moore was asked did he have any regrets when it came to the band

And he said “Yeah, 100%”

Why did Quentin Tarantino regret directing a Ninja Turtles movie?

Because he felt the villains being called "The Foot Clan" was very misleading.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

My friend got a heart transplant, but regretted it immediately.

He had a change of heart.

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

When people tell me I'll regret this in the morning

I sleep till noon

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

What do you call the Greek God of Regret?

Apollogies.

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

I regret buying that top of the line PC; computing power doubles every 18 months so the computer is now obsolete.

I'm feeling buyers remoore's.

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

As a detective, I'd spent my entire career trying to decipher the code required to open a tamper-proof self-destructing brief case. When I finally cracked the code and looked inside all those years later, it was completely empty... I closed it and put it in my attic like all my other regrets.

It was an open and shut case.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor is meeting with a patient, and regretfully says, "The nurse told me what problem you had, but I'm very confused."

The patient says, "I've got this thing called opticrectumitis." The doctor, puzzled, says, "Opticrectumitis? I've never heard of that before." The patient replies, "Well, the nerves for my eyes connected to my ass somehow, and I can't see for shit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you ...

John regrets getting a brain transplant.

I guess he changed his mind.

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

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