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Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.

He shouldn't beat himself up over it.

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

A policeman stops a young rich kid driving a porche.

Policeman - please get out of the car.

Rich kid- you'll regret this. Do you know who my father is?

Policeman - why? Your mother didn't tell you?

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

I can say that with Heinz sight.

My friend got a heart transplant, but regretted it immediately.

He had a change of heart.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

I posted some misinformation about Vietnamese cuisine on Facebook

Now i regret. I should've known they'd banh mi for that.

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

Gates of Heaven

Three men are waiting in line to address St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks the first man,
"We're you faithful in your marriage?"
The 1st man replies ," I guess I can't lie here,so, yes. Yes I did many times.
Peter replies,"For all eternity this rusted out Volkswagen shall be yo...

An older man began regretting his cautious life

He then told his butler to buy a kart for him to race down a dangerous slope.

Then, a few days later he was at the top of the slope. The butler warned him of 4 perils on the way. The man noted what do do on these perils.

He went down and faced them. The butler came to ask what the ex...

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

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I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

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I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

Christmas

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Christmas is a lot like a new relationship with a woman," the guy tells the bartender. "I always get really excited looking forward to it, but after it's all over I regret spending all that money."

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

A man and a Genie.

A man found a genie that grants 3 wishes.

The genie said “I can do anything you want within the

bounds of reality. No bringing back the dead or

granting immortality.” The guy having lost so much in

his life asks the genie can you take my pain away? The

genie s...

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand

Bangkok

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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

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Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

Regretting a bender

A bartender looked up to see one of his regulars step up to the bar, and slouch over burying his head in his hands. The bartender asks, “Rough day, Sal? What should I pour you?” Sal mumbles, “Make it a water, I’m done drinking forever!” The bartender smirks, “ You’ve said that before, Sal, countles...

Why can’t a nose be 12” long?

Because then it’d be a foot.


I already regret this one

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it’s terminal.

Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: Five.

Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?

Doctor: Four.

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

What do you call it when Indians regret something?

Hindusight.

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.

Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.

I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.

How did the musical band get into treble?

They fell off a cleff.
















no regrets

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

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Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gi...

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