Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

I can say that with Heinz sight.

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it’s terminal.

Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: Five.

Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?

Doctor: Four.

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

How did the musical band get into treble?

They fell off a cleff.
















no regrets

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

When people tell me I'll regret this in the morning

I sleep till noon

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

An older man began regretting his cautious life

He then told his butler to buy a kart for him to race down a dangerous slope.

Then, a few days later he was at the top of the slope. The butler warned him of 4 perils on the way. The man noted what do do on these perils.

He went down and faced them. The butler came to ask what the ex...

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

Why can’t a nose be 12” long?

Because then it’d be a foot.


I already regret this one

My cat and dog keep calling each other and talking all day long!!!

I regret now, naming my dog 'Meow' and my cat 'Bow-Wow!'

I opened up a summer camp for kids with adhd.

Although I regret calling it a concentration camp.

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I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

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I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

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A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.

I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

My friends invited me to barbecue night yesterday. I said no but now I'm regretting it.

That was a missed steak.

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

The lost family legacy of the swordsmiths

My grandfather revealed the story behind our family name to me a few weeks before he passed - our ancestors used to be Swordsmiths to the ancient dynasty. It is from here we derive our surname. Popularly though, we were known as the swords. Our swords were known across the land for their sharpness a...

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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

Given enough time, everything becomes new again... however, this is definitely a repost

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.
Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to chan...

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

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Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gi...

Wife is not going to be happy

My wife said "you treat this place like a hotel"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand

Bangkok

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

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Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

Regretting a bender

A bartender looked up to see one of his regulars step up to the bar, and slouch over burying his head in his hands. The bartender asks, “Rough day, Sal? What should I pour you?” Sal mumbles, “Make it a water, I’m done drinking forever!” The bartender smirks, “ You’ve said that before, Sal, countles...

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

I went out late at night to call my cat.

And now I really regret naming him Batman. The neighbors are looking concerned.

Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark?

The woodpeckers.

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

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3 guys and a strip club

3 guys went to a strip club. 1st guy went into a booth with one of the girls and she jerked him off with a donut.

He went back and told the other they needed to go back there.

2nd guy went back there and the same thing happened. The 2 guys told the 3rd guy he needed to go back, he'd ...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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In a faraway land there was a king

And he had a very beatiful daughter, the minister loved her so much that he would offer anything for a night with her, So the strategist made him an offer: "give me half your wealth and I'll think of a way so you get to kiss her for a whole day...but if you break our deal you will regret it"
...

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

An Orangutan Is smoking a joint on a tree when a lizard walks by...

The lizard asks: "Hey Orangutan what are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint"
"Ooooh can I have a puff???"
And the Orangutan: "Absolutely not, you're so small you couldn't possibly handle It"
"Cmon please Orangutan just one!"
"Alright! But don't make me regret It"
After smoking the lizard...

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

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Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Once upon a time...

There was an old lady who found a genie lamp. The genie appeared and said "I will grant you 3 wishes"

For her 1st wish the old lady wished for 10 million dollars and ***poof*** 10 million dollars appeared in cash.

For her 2nd wish the old lady wished to be young again and ***poof*** s...

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

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