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Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

Why did Quentin Tarantino regret directing a Ninja Turtles movie?

Because he felt the villains being called "The Foot Clan" was very misleading.

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did.

He shouldn't beat himself up over it.

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

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Did you hear about the nun who started watching porn?

She regrets picking up the habit.

Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember

What does a knife have in common with a milkshake?

They both look amazing, but you usually regret your choices once they're in your stomach.

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

A man spends his first night in prison...

Right after lights out, he is surprised to hear someone yell "42!", after which the entire cell block erupts in laughter.

Soon after, another inmate yells "17!", and again there's uproarious laughter and applause.

He asks his cellmate to explain. His cellmate tells him that all th...

Subarus

This joke took 20 seconds to come up with and is the stupidest joke I have but here goes

I walked into a doctors office and he said “regarding last weeks tests I regret to inform you that you have an sti” I laughed and responded “you must be new to cars, that’s an evo”

My buddy told me he has a girlfriend in every state!

1 in a state of denial, 1 in a state of regret, 1 in a state of remorse...

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

A policeman stops a young rich kid driving a porche.

Policeman - please get out of the car.

Rich kid- you'll regret this. Do you know who my father is?

Policeman - why? Your mother didn't tell you?

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

When people tell me I'll regret this in the morning

I sleep till noon

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

How is sleeping with your sister the same as eating taco bell?

They both feel great in the moment but you'll regret it later.

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

An older man began regretting his cautious life

He then told his butler to buy a kart for him to race down a dangerous slope.

Then, a few days later he was at the top of the slope. The butler warned him of 4 perils on the way. The man noted what do do on these perils.

He went down and faced them. The butler came to ask what the ex...

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I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

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I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

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Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things

Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020.

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

A prisoner talks to his cellmate about his regrets

- If I had listened to my mother, I wouldn't be in prison
- What did she say ?
- I don't know I didn't listen

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

An ONLY child says to his mother, "what's your biggest regret in life mum?"?

Mum: " hmmm ....."
Mum: "the abortion, I don't know what I was thinking"


Mum: "I shouldn't have chickened out"

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

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A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.

Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They traveled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful re...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

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Did you hear about the guy who got eyes implanted in his ass and regretted it?

In hindsight it wasn’t such a great idea

I posted some misinformation about Vietnamese cuisine on Facebook

Now i regret. I should've known they'd banh mi for that.

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

Regretting a bender

A bartender looked up to see one of his regulars step up to the bar, and slouch over burying his head in his hands. The bartender asks, “Rough day, Sal? What should I pour you?” Sal mumbles, “Make it a water, I’m done drinking forever!” The bartender smirks, “ You’ve said that before, Sal, countles...

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision…

…it was a total rip-off!

Gates of Heaven

Three men are waiting in line to address St Peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks the first man,
"We're you faithful in your marriage?"
The 1st man replies ," I guess I can't lie here,so, yes. Yes I did many times.
Peter replies,"For all eternity this rusted out Volkswagen shall be yo...

Special forces were sent to kill a president of the foreign country by any means necessary...

An hour after the special forces were sent out, the mission control hears.

"The president has been killed. Mission complete!"

Mission control congratulates them and asks how they did it.

"We dropped a nuke on him."

Mission control became frightened, regretting the "any me...

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

Christmas

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Christmas is a lot like a new relationship with a woman," the guy tells the bartender. "I always get really excited looking forward to it, but after it's all over I regret spending all that money."

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

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A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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