I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

WIFE : I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

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I regret squeezing my phone between my butt cheeks

Now there's crack on my screen

Why did I regret sharing my umbrella with a girl on a rainy day?

Because it takes the grand total of women i made wet to -1.

Answer this quiz and you won't regret it!

Q: There are 500 hundred bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant into the refrigerator?

A: Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge.

Q: What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in the refrigerato...

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked

her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

An ONLY child says to his mother, "what's your biggest regret in life mum?"?

Mum: " hmmm ....."
Mum: "the abortion, I don't know what I was thinking"


Mum: "I shouldn't have chickened out"

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

I regret going to an emo barber.

Instead of cutting my hair he just kept cutting himself.

I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150".

Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.



So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

Michael Gove says he deeply regrets taking drugs

Everyone else deeply regrets he didn't take them all at once.

I regret going to that B-52's concert.

They bombed.

What do you call the Tibetan God of Regret?

The Shoulda Coulda Woulda Buddha.

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I regret staring at that girl's butt.

That's hindsight for you.

What is your biggest regret in life?

Not understanding how subreddits work.

An unrecognized talent

"So, what's the capital of Germany?"
"Berlin"
"Very well! And the capital of France?"
"Mhhhh... Berlin?"
"Well, not exactly... Maybe you can tell me the capital of Poland"
"I know it! Berlin, right?"
"You really like Berlin eh? Well, at least you should remember the capital of Aust...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

My friends invited me to barbecue night yesterday. I said no but now I'm regretting it.

That was a missed steak.

Wife: I regret getting you that train conductor hat for Christmas.

Me: Your ticket please.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

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You will regret mixing flour and butter.

You will roux the day!

One thing I regret

Is that I left my girlfriend after she lost her foot in an accident. I am just lack toes intolerant.

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

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One day a City Slicker walks into an old tavern by the sea

He sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch! He decided she has to meet this pirate, and sits down next to him and orders him a beer asking him, “Hello Mr. Pirate sir, if it’s not too much trouble would please tell me how you lost your leg?”

The pirate responds, “Well ...

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

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Drunk man in the church

A drunk man enters the church during the mass and sits. The Priest was lecturing about the prostitute whom regretted from her sins to follow Jesus. So it came to the point that the Priest, rhetorically, says to the church:

“He that never mistakes among you, let him first cast a stone.”
...

I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums.

He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.

I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...

It's so-da-grading.

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I regret telling people that I want a lover that's faithful.

Now my priest won't leave me the fuck alone.

Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography

Every time I’d enter the class room I would exclaim ‘oh the humanities!’

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

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I have his ear in my pocket

Don't upvote, I just want to find out what the meaning of this joke is and then I'm done.

---

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

What was Osama bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?

kids blow up so fast

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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

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Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

Which one is the most regretful vegetable in the garden?

The rue-barb.

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.

You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.

Why are you here??

An old man in the confessional goes like this:

"Well, Father, it happened so that I was driving in the country late at night when my banger gave up and broke down. It was dark, there was nobody around, I can't get my head around smartphones so I walked as far as the nearest settlement, went t...

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. . .

He regretted not passing the bar.

My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.

She just doesn't know what jihad.

Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark?

The woodpeckers.

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The Cadillac salesman got pissed off at me so I regretfully upgraded my SUV purchase...

The whole situation really Escaladed quickly.

•••---•••. I regret that

Remorse code

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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

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A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?

'Hit me up'

I really regret becoming a vegetarian

It was a big missed steak.

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

A wise old man once told me something very important about paying attention to what people are saying.

No idea what it was he said, but I found a funny meme on Reddit so I have no regrets.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.

She's never going to play monopoly with me again!

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)


3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.


The first man look...

A man walks into a bookstore...

...and asks the proprietor if he has any books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

“Unfortunately, I suffer from a condition that makes me violently ill whenever I see one of his books, making me unable to carry them in my store.”

Stunned, the customer sputters, “You don’t mean...”

The ...

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

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Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home.......

........complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."



The second old man said ...

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

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