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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

Humor is like skin tone

I like it dark, but not everyone does

I'm so tone deaf that

I can't even tell the difference between A# and Bb.

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

What do you call the tone deaf brutes that hang out with rock musicians?

Bassists.

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone!

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

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3 friends go to a castle

When they arrive the landlord tells them to be cautious because there is a ghost living there. They don't think too much of it and they enter. That night one of the guys needs to go to the bathroom. The other are joking about him being scared of the ghost. The guy leaves to the bathroom and then he ...

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

Two overweight women are sitting at a bar. After a few drinks they get loud and start to irritate the guests around them.

A man sitting close to them attempts to engage them in a conversation, hoping that a more conversational tone will get them to calm down.

“Excuse me”, says the man “I couldn’t help but notice your accents....are you ladies from Scotland”?

Without skipping a beat one of the ladies rudel...

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

I love enharmonic tones!

My life would truly A# without them.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

My favourite word in the dictionary is “toned”

Great definition

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

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Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

Why can't mixolydian get elected?

Its leading tone is flat.

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a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

Person 1: [Humming a continuous tone]

Person 2: Why are you doing that?

Person 1: Doing what?

Person 2: You’re just humming the same note without stopping.

Person 1: Oh that? I’m just waving.

Person 2: Huh?

Person 1: It’s sine language.

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Following American political discourse and tone is starting to feel a lot like reading.

It’s going from left to right and top to bottom just as fast as your eyes can move.

Why did Lieutenant Uhura tone down on the use of extreme fetishes in the bedroom?

Because William Shatner.

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series.

I mean, the fifth book was dead serious.

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

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If Herodotus was a vlogger

It's ya boi Herodotus back atch ya with another travlog!

So, I was in Delphi, and man, they be real mad with em Spartans.

Not taking sides, just my 2 Drachmae. Maybe my Athenian homies should've toned down their backstabbing a little bit, so that those Spartan hunks didn't have to canc...

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

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Did you hear the story about skin-toned bathing suits?

It was fake nudes.

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible

Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.

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A woman approaches a man wearing a velvet suit sitting in a fairly crowded bar.

“Hi, my name is Carmen because I’m into cars and men.” says the woman in a flirtatious tone.

The man, seemingly sloshed, looks at her and says, “Hey I’m BeerPussy, can I get you a drink?”

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?

She didn't like its tone.

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

During a military training session, a General with a stern tone addresses a group of young cadets

"If you are captured by the enemy and a beautiful woman walks in to the room, the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut."

Someone from the back of the room asks, "What's the second best thing to do?"

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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A man walks into a bar with a frog in his shirt pocket..

The man sits down and says to the bartender,

"Give me a pitcher of beer and a clean ashtray so my buddy here can drink."

Now taking the frog from his pocket and placing it on the bar. Puzzled but intrigued the bartender fills his request.

Time passes and people are glancing a...

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A blonde in her early 50's hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles...

She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.

The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and s...

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A woman traveling in the bus needs to pee badly

She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he can not stop the bus and that she will have to do it some other way.

Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So she goes to the end of the bus and relieves hersel...

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A soldier heading home from the frontlines gets on a train

The soldier walks the length of the crowded train searching for a seat. He stops by a rich woman who has her dog sitting next to her.

The soldier speaks in a calm , tired voice, "Ma'am, can you move your dog so I can sit down?"


Offended and speaking in a high and mighty tone of vo...

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A freshman at Harvard wanted to go to the library

So he stopped and asked a senior student, “Do you know where the library is at?”

The senior looks disgustingly at him, and, with a snobbish tone replied, “Hmph! We here at Harvard never end our sentences with prepositions!”

“I’m sorry”, the freshman apologises, “I meant to say, do you ...

Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon...

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Dumbbelldor.

George Washington's Cherry Tree

A man approaches his son and asks, "Did you push our outhouse into the ditch yesterday?"

The boy replies "No, father; I didn't push the outhouse into the ditch."

The man says "Did I ever tell you about George Washington, a great American hero? When George Washington was a child, he g...

Winner winner chicken dinner

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"There's a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until yo...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

15 Things To Do At Walmart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/...

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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I’m Sophisticated

I don’t call it bleaching my asshole, I call it changing my ring tone.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

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What do cell phone settings and anal bleaching have in common?

Both change your ring tone.

A man was sitting in a bar...

A man was sitting in a bar quietly drinking his beer when he overheard two women a couple of tables over talking amongst themselves. Listening to their conversation he could tell by their accents that they were not from around the area. He popped over to their table to enquire about their travels....

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerla...

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A man in a Uber car sees a hot young nun passing down the street

The man tells his driver:

\-Look at that nun, I can't help to be sad that a girl like her made a chastity vote.

He answers:

\-Ah, I know her! There is an easy way to fuck her: You dress up like Jesus when it's very dark and ask her for sex, works every single time.

Late t...

This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee.

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"

Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"

Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

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A man visits a female doctor

He is feeling very awkward about it and she notices. She is quick to assure him she is a professional and there is nothing to be ashamed.

“You don’t understand doctor. I’m so ashamed of my body, and the problem is... er... in my lower parts. If you were to laugh, I would die of shame.”
...

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

A woman left on a work-cation, leaving her husband behind.

They were childless, but had a cat, whom they loved dearly.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was alright.

Her husband replied with a morbid tone, "The cat just died."

She burst into tears and reprimanded her husband, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't ...

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 minutes."

Boss (shouting): "Do you know who you are talking to?"

Junior: "No!"

Boss: "I'm the BOSS!"

Junior (in same tone): "Do you know who you are talking to?"...

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

Hot Dog

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.


One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do the...

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

You know what's the one thing I can't stand.

So is having to re-read a sentence because you read it in the wrong tone.

3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)


3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.


The first man look...

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