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How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

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What is an alternative term for anal bleaching?

Changing your ring tone.

Person 1: [Humming a continuous tone]

Person 2: Why are you doing that?

Person 1: Doing what?

Person 2: You’re just humming the same note without stopping.

Person 1: Oh that? I’m just waving.

Person 2: Huh?

Person 1: It’s sine language.

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

Why did Lieutenant Uhura tone down on the use of extreme fetishes in the bedroom?

Because William Shatner.

The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series.

I mean, the fifth book was dead serious.

[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible

Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.

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A depressed man walks into a bar...

A depressed man walks into a bar. Not just any bar though, this bar is located on the 112th floor of a skyscraper. The depressed man, dragging his head, sits down and with a slight sob in his voice asks the bar tender for his cheapest whiskey.
A tall, somewhat nerdy looking gentleman sitting near...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

Following American political discourse and tone is starting to feel a lot like reading.

It’s going from left to right and top to bottom just as fast as your eyes can move.

During a military training session, a General with a stern tone addresses a group of young cadets

"If you are captured by the enemy and a beautiful woman walks in to the room, the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut."

Someone from the back of the room asks, "What's the second best thing to do?"

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A blonde in her early 50's hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles...

She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.

The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and s...

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Dumbbelldor.

How do redneck Na'vi get their skin tone?

Blue Genes... I'll be here all week

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

3 men got to heaven

(English is not my native language, so please excuse any mistakes)


3 men died in an accident and got to heaven. They met God, who said that they would get a vehicle each. What it would be were decided based of how faithful the men had been to their wifes.


The first man look...

A mother has two young boys, both of which are very badly behaved

One day, she decides to take the younger boy to talk to a chaplain in hopes of improving his behaviour before he gets older. When they go to see the chaplain, she takes the younger boy into a separate room to talk with him.

“Where is God?” Asked the chaplain calmly

“I don’t know” said ...

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What do your cell phone settings and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone!

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

A guy wants to take his girlfriend on a romantic dinner date...

She recommends an unusual restaurant that just opened: you have to wait in line for every food item you want.
Like a gentlemen, the man waits in the myriad of food lines before him. He waits in the potato line, he waits in the chicken line, and even waits in a gravy line. He comes back after a w...

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you l...

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

A pub owner announces a contest for the best toast of the night. John O'Reilly hoists his beer and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” and wins the top prize...

He goes home and tells his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"

She says, “Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?”

He raises an invisible glass and in his most sincere tone says, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”...

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A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

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An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ...

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

Sven sees Ole's car parked outside the bar early in the morning.

Sven, worried about His friend quickly goes into the bar. He seed Ole sitting at the bar drinking beer with a mute expression on His face.

"Hey Ole is something wrong? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Ole says in a somewhat sad tone."Oh Sven. My wife Lina ran off with my best friend Lars."...

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

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A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

A woman walks past a new pet store on her way to work.

As she passes, a parrot behind the glass squawks at her and says, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”

A little taken aback, the woman huffs to herself and continues on.

On her way home from work she passes the same pet store and the same parrot squawks, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”
Shocked and ins...

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

​

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

​

This took a lot of time, so she boug...

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

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The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

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Gesundheit

So a man boards a plane and finds his seat next to a young woman. They both exchange smiles as the flight gets under way. A few minutes into the flight, the man sneezes. He then proceeds to undo his zipper, take out his dick, wipe the tip, and put it away. A short time passes and he sneezes again. ...

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

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Phonecall from ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting u...

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

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A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

Two Little Troublemakers

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do a...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

A redditor walks into r/jokes

A redditor walks into r/jokes, and decides to have a seat. Pretty soon, someone posts

"843!"

It gets tons of upvotes and comments, and everybody has a great laugh. Then someone posts

"91"

Again, in come the upvotes and comments, lots of laughing in the sub. This happens s...

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

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An oldie but a goodie, middle school legend. Its worded in a way as if its a conversation, bear with me.

So there's this kid, kinda stupid, going to kindergarten. He's set to learn his alphabet. His teacher tells him to go.home, and memorize the first 3 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home, and goes to his mom, who's talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend. She's talking away, things are ge...

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A married man and his secretary were having an affair...

One afternoon they couldn't control their lustful triggers and they hurried over to her place where they spent the afternoon having steamy passionate sex. Post the two hour long marathon sex they got so tired that they fell asleep only to wake up at 8 o'clock. Realizing that it had gotten very late...

Jesus walks into a bar

Jesus walks into a bar after a pretty rough day. After a couple hours of whiskey shots the bartender says, "That's it. I'm cutting you off. Water only for you from now on."

Jesus replies back in a sarcastic tone," Oh no. Not water."

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Smokers Delight

3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes behind the nursing home. It started to rain so two of them threw their cigarettes on the ground all pissed off. The third one pulled a condom out of her pursue, rolled it down her cigarette and continued smoking. The other two asked in amazement where she had got...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

Little Johnny ;-)

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have the Monday off.” said the...

What's for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better i...

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

Whe...

Two Rabbis meet on the street

Two Rabbis meet on the street.

“Oy vey! It’s terrible that such thing should happen to me,” says the first Rabbi.

“Calm down, calm down”, says the second Rabbi, “tell me what has happened.”

“It’s my son”, continues the first Rabbi, “he has turned Christian!”

“You know it’...

A priest stands up to do his sermon.

He starts. He says "We all called in different ways."

As soon as he says that, the altar server drops the gospel which he was taking away from the lectern. He then shuffles to pick it up and accidentally rips it with his foot and falls over, hitting the tabanacle and spilling the bread and t...

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

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Dave is the man

Four mothers talking about their sons success, when the first one say "My son is so successful that he bought a boat for his friends", other mother reply "That's nothing, my son is so successful that he bought a friend of his a house", "well i don't mean to brag" said the third mother "but my son is...

The Emperor of Rome had a thousand Centurions.

One day, he decided to give them a raise. He called them all to his throne room, and declared they be given a 4% increase in their monthly pay.

Now, the Centurions were paid one gold coin per month. That would mean their new pay was a gold coin and 4 silver ones. The total fee spent would be ...

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A Jew walks into a church during services, and begins to pray

He puts on his tallis (a Jewish garb for praying), takes out a prayerbook, and recites the beginning of the traditional service. A clergyman notices the Jew, and, bewildered, says, "Will all non-christians please leave."

The Jewish man just continues his prayer, not paying any attention to th...

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

The 16-yo son returns home at 10am the next day..

.. The Father asks angrily: "Son, where have you been for such a long time?"
Son replies: "Dad, I'm not a virgin anymore!"
The father in relaxed tone: "Son, sit down and tell me the whole story".
The son replies: "Telling the story OK, but sitting NO!"

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The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.

Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of ...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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I am shocked at how many youth today do anal bleaching

I am always hearing them talk about changing their ring tone.

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Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle c...

Three blondes walking through the woods...

One of them stops and points at the ground in excitement saying, "Oh my gosh look. Those are like, bunny tracks!"

"Those are so not bunny tracks. They're deer tracks." The second blonde says in a matter-of-fact tone.

The third blonde, with hands on her hips, says "Your both wrong. ...

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An American hippie travels abroad to Germany

and decides to find a hostel to stay in. After a long search, he finally finds a small place, with no one but the host staying there. He rents a room, heads upstairs, and begins unpacking his things while also packing a joint. Once he’s all finished, he sits back on the bed and starts to smoke. Just...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.

He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."

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3 Homeless men are traveling far and wide until they come across a mansion.

They all stare in awe at the magificent view. Suddenly, an older woman comes through the door. She's elegant in her manner, but her looks certainly aren't flattering. Behind her however, were 20 women of age 18 and older, but still younger than 25. They were each sexy in their own manner, some flirt...

Signs of aging, from a lady

After finishing a meeting I left the hotel and headed to the parking lot. After failing to find my car keys in my handbag and pockets, I started to panic. I headed back to the conference room and still couldn't find the keys.

I suddenly realized that I must have left them in the car. This has...

I got fired from my job at the helium factory...

Because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. I have always wanted a job in a mirror factory. It's a job I could see myself doing