Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

Did you hear about the mathemitician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

Doctor: I'm afraid your body is suffering from a magnesium problem

Patient. 0MG!

Why was Yoda afraid of 7

Because 9 7 8

Being afraid of Germans makes one a......

Klaustraphobe ?
or a Germophobe.......

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7 but why is 10 afraid? May be offensive

Because it was right in the middle of 9/11

Batman is so scary, even bullets are afraid to hit him.

That's why they aimed for his parents.

We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight?

Hey, nice belt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

Men are afraid of women's laughter...

Women are afraid of manslaughter.

What do you call a chicken that’s afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?

Me: "screams"

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: "continues to scream"

We know why 6 is afraid of 7 but do you know *why* 7 ate 9?

Because you need 3 square meals a day!

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9


Why did 7 eat 9?

He needs to eat 3 squared meals per day


4 saw 7 eat 9. Why didn't he report 7 to the police?

He was 2 squared

My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom.

So I switched them out for red bull.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

Why are influencers afraid when they go to the woods alone at night?

They're constantly being followed!

Are you afraid of bridges?

Get over it!

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

Why is Six afraid of Seven

Because Seven is emotionally distant and always chases after numbers like Eight and Nine instead of looking back and seeing that the perfect number was behind the whole entire time... Six

What do you call someone who is so afraid of nature, that they do everything to try and control it?

An organic chicken.

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick.

Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression

How To Scare Someone Who's Afraid Of The Unknown

>!Boo!<

I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore.

Reminds me of being at my uncle's house

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was afraid I had Covid because I thought I lost my sense of taste.

Turns out I'm just a shitty cook.

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 1ted 2 bring 3 knives 4 sur5al but 6 knew that 7 secretly h8ed him and didn't have be9 in10tions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

#

Sorry guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they w...

In Iran, everyone is so very afraid of spiders.

But in Iraq no phobia.

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Some kids are afraid of Santa.

They suffer from Claus-trophobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

Why was 00000111 afraid of 00001000

Because 8-bit 9

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

A kid and Afraid Not walk into a school and sit down...

While the teacher is trying to teach, the first kid starts being disruptive.

The teacher says, "Keep that up and you'll be going to detention."
"What about him?" the kid says, pointing at the other kid. "He's bad, too!"
"No." the other kid says. "I'm afraid not."

(Thanks to m...

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That moment when you’re afraid you just shit your pants, and then you realize “oh thank goodness...”

“They’re not my pants.”

I'm afraid elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

Why are cavemen afraid of skeletons?

Sticks and stones can't break their bones...

Thanks ladies and gentlemen...my 8 year old will be here all week...

Man:"Doctor, I'm so afraid, this is my first surgery!"

Doctor:"Don't worry, this is also my first surgery!"

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

I'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of X-Ray Technicians.

They can see right through me.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

I'be always been afraid of over engineered buildings

Is a complex-complex complex

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

Everyone's too afraid to say it... but 13yo is the prime age

other prime ages are 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, ...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematici...

I am afraid of dying alone

And that's why I have applied for my pilot's license

Why is Joe Biden afraid of getting COVID?

Because he'd lose his sense of smell.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

Why are French sailors afraid to count?

The last one to do it got safely to four but then he cinq.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor says, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The man, upset, says “why??”


“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Doctor: “Bad news im afraid, Mr Davidson, we had to amputate both of your feet...

Good news though, the patient next door wants to buy your shoes”.

Why are first books afraid of their sequels?

Because they always come after them.

A friend of mine is afraid of cows

He lives his life in udder fear.

Why are cats afraid of space?

Because it's a vacuum.

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

Why was 1000 afraid of 0111

0111
1000
1001

I hope this joke gains traction when machines takes over the world

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

A friend recently told me that he can't go to sleep without at least 4 or 5 whiskey drinks and that he's afraid he may have a drinking problem.

I told him he should try to get a handle on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

I always hated the show Naked & Afraid

It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Why was the spreadsheet afraid of its chart?

Because it has multiple axes.

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

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