The 125+ Best Appear Jokes

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her al...

Madonna is lashing back at people who commented about her appearance on the Grammys.

At least I think it’s Madonna.

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere

The genie also magics up a slide, and says to them, "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you."

The Englishman goes first. "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold....

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with ...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

What do you call a video of an emo, appearing in a video game??

A cut scene.

A man awakes to find himself lying by a lonely country road with no memory of who he is and how he got there. Then a genie appears...

"What is your third wish, master?" the Genie says.

Confused, the man feebly asks, "My wish?", "Who are you, and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the Genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you were and be taken far away from everything ...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

The devil appears before a lawyer and promises to ensure that he wins every case he takes for the rest of his life.

Lawyer says: “It’s always about a deal right? What’s in it for you?” Devil says: “I want your soul, your wife’s, your son’s, and the souls of any more children you have in the future.” Lawyer pauses, thinks for a moment, and responds: “But what’s the catch?”

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

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Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

How can a letter appear 3 times in a 5-letter word?

Must be an error.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets…

then it hit me.

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

The Rabbit

A man with a hunting dog lived next door to a woman with a rabbit hutch in her backyard.

One day, he came home to find his dog with the rabbit in its' mouth, dead. The man was horrified but knew his dog would be sent away if the neighbors thought it was a danger to other pets. So he took the...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.

The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi...

A man walks into a bar …

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says

"It would have to be something spectacular to ...

A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

(DISCLAIMER: I heard my father telling this joke to his friends when I was little. Sorry if this has been posted here before)

A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

The mugger said,

"I am ...

According to my dream journal, Scarlett Johansson has made 6 appearances this year.

But it might be 7, because some pages are stuck together.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

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Three friends explore a cave

While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke.

The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each...

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home.

Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden.

One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her,

"You know what I miss most of all ?"

\*What ?" asks Juanita.

"SEX !...

Ghost taxi

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very DARK NIGHT and in the midst of a FIERCE rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling...

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Golden opportunity.

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.
She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:

"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."

Poof, and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerl...

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Traffic court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I...

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi

Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

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A woman goes to the doctor...

... and says, "Doctor, can you help me? My vagina is gigantic!"

The doctor puts her in the stirrups and before he begin examining her, even he is shocked at how big her vagina appears.

The doctor asks "Surely something happened here, is there there something you aren't telling me?"...

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*

*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*

*Wit...

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Scream

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be bl...

A large hole has appeared in the road outside your local Police Station

The Police say they are looking into it

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3 Guys Appear at the Gates of Heaven suddenly!

St Peter is Surprised and asked the first guy how he got here. " I had come home from a horrible day at work only to find my wife in bed naked and cheating on me with another man. However I searched everywhere and I got so angry I picked up the fridge, chucked it out the window and then had a heart ...

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.

370HSSV-0773H

Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

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A flash mob appears outside a police station, a man has killed 11 people!

A policeman hears a lot of noise coming from Infront of the station so he struts outside to check all the hastle. When he exits the door, an aggressive mob outside is screaming and shouting while pushing a person into the cops body.

"Alright, alright, what's going on here then?"

"Offic...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

Good company

One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”

The angel con...

The devil appears before a new lawyer, offering him a wish in exchange for his soul.

The lawyer, enthusiastically and without hesitation, wishes to be made “the best damn lawyer the us justice system has ever seen.” Surprised at the enthusiasm, the devil asks why he seemed so excited to throw away his soul for success in this life. The lawyer simply replies:

“If I’m going t...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

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What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I’m looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn’t, feces related. Please help me finish my pseudo-poop dad joke trifecta.

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

You can tell the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound.

Some people appear bright until you hear them talk.

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material

Tolkienism

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

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A man ran over a cockerel with his car

Feeling guilty, he goes to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’

She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

Al, Ben, and Carl were stranded on a deserted island. One day Al found an old jar in the sand.

When the jar was opened, a genie came out and said to them, "You have freed me from my jar. For the rest of your time on this island, I am obligated to grant each of you one wish per year. But no wishing anyone, including yourself, off the island."

"In that case," said Al, "I wish for 365 boo...

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

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The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

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A company of soldiers were route-stepping through a valley, when a Marine appeared up on top of a nearby hill and said: "You Army guys fight like girls!"

The Army captain said: "First Squad, get up there and teach that Marine a lesson!”

Ten soldiers go charging up the hill and disappear over the top. Sounds of fighting are heard, then the Marine appears, straightens his shirt out, and yells down to the soldiers "Come on now, don't any of you p...

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

3 Nuns appear before St. Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Upon seeing the three, Peter states: "As I see that all three of you are women of faith. I see no reason to even look up the sins of your life to assess your worthiness to enter Heaven. However, I must test your faith by each asking you one question to see your knowledge of the holy book."

Th...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida.

When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong.

"Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?"

"...

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

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A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are some rules. No wishing for more wishes, wishing for immortality, or wishing to bring someone back from the dead.”

The man says, “Ok, I wish to not die a virgin.”

The genie replies, “I already told you, no wishing for immorta...

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

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The almost-deaf genie

A man enters a pub and goes to the bar, he orders a whiskey and, after drinking it he pays and when her turns around to leave he sees a humongous rooster, 6’ tall, roaming around the pub.
“What the….” The man says, turning back to the bartender:
“Ugh, don’t ask me, ask that genie over there”; ...

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On his way to work, a man noticed what appeared to be a fresh turd in his path. He crouched for a closer inspection.

It *looked* like shit. He put his face up to it and sniffed. It *smelled* like shit. He rubbed some of it between his fingers. It *felt* like shit. He put his finger to his tongue. I *tasted* like shit. "That's shit, no doubt," he proclaimed. "I'm not stepping on that," and walked around it instead.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

What do you call a really scary horse that only appears after the sun has set?

A nightMARE!

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A man is hunting in the savana and suddenly a lion appears

The lion asks: I'll either kill you or fuck you, what do you choose?

The hunter said: Fuck me.

The next day he went hunting again and one more time the lion found him, and asked: I'll either kill you or fuck you, what do you choose?

The hunter said: Fuck me.

The third da...

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said...

... “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

They climbed down from their pedestals and shyly approached ea...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

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The lore of a genie atop a cliff prompts three friends to climb up.

As they climb, they discuss their wishes.

Dick wants to become a famous musician and travel the world.

Harry wants fabulous wealth and a long healthy life.

Tom wants to be a bird and fly to Mexico.

As he reaches the top, Tom sees the magic lamp first and scrambles to pic...

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