UPJOKE
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Enough Jokes

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?

Pockets!

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...

But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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There's a young couple that's down on their luck and don't have enough money for rent.

So they talk it over and decide that she'll go and stand on the corner. The first guy that comes up asks how much for sex? and she told him a hundred dollars. He says that he only has forty so she says she'll blow him for that. They go into the alley and when he pulls his pants down she sees he has ...

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Are you smart enough to do this.

Say the opposite of these words.

Always.

Coming.

From.

Take.

Me.

Down.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his ...

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

If you spend enough time on Instagram or Reddit or reels…

… eventually you will see images of scantily clad older women and even some men, asking your opinion of them. This is not good, there comes a time when less is not better. UNLESS, you can profit from it. For example, in my case I found that walking around naked in my backyard has produced tall pri...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

If you have enough walnuts

You can probably build a wal.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

My wife told me, “I think the kids are old enough. You should give them ‘the talk’ on drugs.”

Me: No problem, but I don’t make much sense when I’m high.

My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...

You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

Poetry

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

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Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough....

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard.

That bronze medal would be mine.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My wife of 10 years left me because I didn't do enough chores

It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it

3 Guys Go To A Ski Lodge, But There Aren't Enough Rooms...

So they're forced to share a bed.

Middle of the night comes around and the guy on the right wakes up hysterical claiming he had the most wildest dream--someone was giving him a hand job!

The guy on the left woke up and from all the ruckus and said that's an awful coincidence...he was ...

I have enough money to last the rest of my life…

provided I die next Thursday.

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A man hitches a ride with a trucker. Oddly enough, a monkey is seated in between the two of them.

After about 5 minutes of small talk, the hitchhiker finally felt comfortable enough to ask:

"So, what's with the monkey?"

"Watch this..." said the trucker.

He then smacked the monkey on the forehead. The monkey immediately unzipped the truckers pants, gave the trucker a blow job...

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

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A man got together enough money to take his dream girl to an expensive restaurant

She started ordering the most expensive things on the menu – lobster, caviar, champagne….

He said, “Wow! Does your mother feed you like that at home?”

“No,” she said,

“But my mother isn’t expecting a blowjob.”

I was lucky enough to be invited to MC Hammer's house recently.

Although, it was actually kind of boring, since he kept saying I wasn't allowed to touch anything.

The Mrs. says I’m spending too much time browsing Reddit and not enough with her.

Guess I gotta work on my lurk-wife balance.

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

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A boy askes his dad if he can have a beer. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a beer yet."

A few years later he sees his dad having a cigar, and he asks if he can have a cigar too. The dad says "Is your dick long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy, again, says no. "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar yet."

A few more years pass, and the son buys a lottery ticket, and win...

Piano man has had enough

Son can you play me a melody?

I'm not really sure how it goes

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man's clothes



The most basic requirement of song requests

Is to know what tune you have heard

Do you also go to the...

Okay guys, that's enough Russian reposts today.

I'm sick of Putin up with it.

Enough is Enough!

No like seriously they're the same word.

Is good intention enough to be an organ donor?

No, it also takes guts.

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

Hungry enough to eat a horse?

Have you ever got half way through eating a horse and thought,

I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?

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I got fired for not embracing diversity enough

Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

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Doctor, My husband just can’t have enough sex

A married woman goes to her doctors office and starts complaining: “it’s just too much doctor, my husband just wants to sex me up all the time, in the bed, in the kitchen, in the backyard, after dinner, before breakfast, standing up, sitting down and I can’t take it anymore is there something that I...

I've had enough of this shampoo

I want real poo

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.


He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."


"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the a...

A blonde saved enough money to buy a convertible.

So she goes out for a drive into the country. Top down, music blaring, what people stereotypically do in convertibles.

She gets to the middle of a field, and sees her friend, who is also blonde, rowing in a boat. In the middle of a field.

She puts her car in park and steps out.

...

Yo mama told an outlaw "this town isn't big enough for the two of us"

The outlaw responded "it's not big enough for one of you."

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

I'm smart enough to be aware but not smart enough to be empowered...

Sure wish I could post this on another sub.

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you.

What do you think about me?

Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
...

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

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Uranus is big enough to hold 73 Earths

74 if you relax

I met someone with halitosis last night. He had some strange ideas but, oddly enough,

everything he said made scents

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

Did you know a woman's mouth has enough force

To make a grown man do things he doesn't want to do?

While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn't have enough money for.

That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner...

Everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes!

Four years is enough...

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

What do you call someone without enough personality to be an accountant?

An auditor

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

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If a lap dog is a dog small enough to fit on your lap...

I'd hate to see what animal qualifies as a "pussy cat".

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

Not enough time

Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an Priest. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled, "Women and children first!" The American screams, "Screw the women and children!" and the Priest answered, "Huh, do we have enough...

I've had enough of all the COVID-19 jokes

They are all tasteless

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

When you're 18 you're old enough to vote but not to drink.

But if you look at who we have to vote for, you could use a drink.

What rapper doesn't work out enough?

Tupac.

We do not have enough micro chips to build new cars

Is it because we used them all in the vaccines ?

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My doctor told me my heart may not be healthy enough for sex.

But that didn't make him stop.

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through

One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

If you get cold enough, your body will eventually stop functioning and you will die.

However, when you reach the coldest temperature possible, you’ll be 0K again.

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

Jokes about white sugar are rare enough, but jokes about brown sugar?

Demerara

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

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If you look long enough and hard enough

you could make a lot of money doing porn.

The girlfriend is clever enough

I asked my girlfriend which sort of books she is interested in

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

She said "CHEQUE BOOKS"

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