What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

If Albert Finney and Christopher Walken had a kid, he'd have quite a strut.

Cuz he'd be Walken Finney.

What would Christopher Walken’s name be if he had polio?

Christopher Wheelin’

When Christopher Hitchens was on his death bed he called for a priest...

And converted him into an atheist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

Why did Christopher Robin have to wash his hands?

He’d been playing with Pooh all day.

Christopher Columbus is like...

...the person who comments “First” on a post even though they are not the first.

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

Son: When I grow up I want to be like Christopher Columbus.

Dad: An explorer? That’s great, son.

Son: No, I want to get lost, spread diseases, steal tobacco and still be celebrated.

Christopher Walken really wanted new shoes so he went to the shoe store.

He browsed the whole store until he came across a pair of boots. They were nicely made with gray leather and he really liked them but he preferred black boots. He asked the store manager if they sold them in black but unfortunately they did not. Christopher was disappointed and was going to leave th...

How did Christopher Marlowe keep his writing secret from the other prisoners when he went to jail?

He separated the prose from the cons.

Because of the new Christopher Robin movie...

Why was Tigger dirty?

Cause he was playing with Pooh.

Who's faster than Christopher Walken?

Christopher Runnen

Who's slower?

Christopher Crawlen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christopher Walken was walking down the street..

When a man stop him and said “Are you Christopher Walken?”
He said “No I’m Christopher standing here, because you stopped me”

It’s much better when told in 1st person using your shittiest Christopher Walken impression

Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's 2017 WW2 beach epic...

"No thanks, I've done Kirk"

If Christopher Nolan makes a sequel to Inception,

He should start at the top.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

Edited for spelling, even though the guy was a stuffy old turd about it.

:D HEYOOO

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day?

Barge into your neighbor's home and claim it as yours.

Where does Christopher keep his dance shoes?

In the Walken closet.

Honeypots

-Hey, what’s going on, Pooh?

-Hello, Piglet. Christopher left us 10 honeypots. That makes 8 for each.

-No, Pooh, that makes 5 for each of us.

-Dunno about that, already ate mine.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken.

(Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)

How do you know you've found Christopher Walken's house?

It has a recognizable gait

What did the monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!

So the vendor makes a dog with the works and gives it to the monk.

The monk hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor pockets it and starts serving other customers.

The monk says wait, where is my change?

Vendor: change comes only from...

Dr. Amrak, superintendent of the Tidder School District, was nervous about the upcoming budget meeting.

All of the schools in the district needed new benches and tables in their cafeterias. Unfortunately, the Tidder Comets were in a difficult financial situation, and all of the estimates for the cafeteria furniture were way too expensive. One day before the big meeting, Dr. Amrak told his secretary,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Noah

Ever wondered what Noah did with all the animal shit on the Ark?

He shovelled it all overboard and then Christopher Columbus discovered it 2000 years later

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hold a dollar bill between your chin and your chest. Ask someone if they know who you are.

When they ask who, answer "Christopher Reeve at a titty bar!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the b...

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher’s Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about ...

Why did Winnie the Pooh call the police?

Because he saw Christopher Robbin'.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

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