UPJOKE
priestsonmonophysitegrandsonfatherstepsonmonkfriarclergymanpastorfatherlesspatersrpriestessdescendant

Cohen Jokes

The Amish man and the Toll Booth (as told by Myron Cohen)

An Amish man is driving his horse-drawn cart when he gets to a toll road. The toll keeper says "That will be $10 please."


The Amish man says, "I thought that was only for motor vehicles."


"No," says the toll keeper. "All vehicles, no exceptions."


So the Amish...

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obi-wan Cohen

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: A Japanese, A Chinese, and A Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

I feel bad for Sacha Baron Cohen. People rave about his performances in Borat and Da Ali G Show…

… but We Don’t Talk About Bruno.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died...

It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are about to start trade with each other.

Mr. Cohen and Mr. Brown are two business men in New York. Mr. Brown is a fourth generation American, who owns a big clothing store, while Mr. Cohen is an old Jewish man, who immigrated to the U.S from Poland during the war. Mr. Cohen is small business owner, who makes cloth.

One day Mr. Cohen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars ou...

Father Sullivan and Rabbi Cohen were sitting on a park bench discussing the differences and similarities of their respective religions.

After some time, a young boy rode by on a bicycle. Father Sullivan leaned over and whispered to Rabbi Cohen, “wow look that kid, I’d really like to screw him.”

To which Rabbi Cohen replied, “what do you mean ‘screw him’? Screw him out of WHAT?”

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.
“Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy-eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a twenty-eight-year-old girl, and also, on the side, her nineteen-year-old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in ...

One good thing about trump’s White House is how polite they are...

One walk down the hall and everyone says “Pardon me.”

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men talking...

The first says “Do you like pussy cats?” The other replies, “Sure I do, but my name’s Cohen, not Katz.”

A woman calls the reception of Mount Sinai Hospital ....

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Fink...

Just gonna say...

Number of times Leonard Cohen died before Trump was elected - 0

Number of times after - 1

Draw your own conclusions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local synagogue is having their annual raffle...

A man walks to the stage and begins to announce the winners.

"4th prize goes to Moshe Goldstein, who wins a Rolls Royce!" There is huge applause. Moshe goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.

"3rd prize, which goes to Shmuel Cohen, is a Rolls Royce and a check for $10,000!" Agai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A talmudist goes to Moscow...

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist
from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop,
a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young
man and he thought: This f...

Older Jewish joke: safari bar mitzvah

Mr and Ms Rosenberg are trying to think of something really special to do for their son's bar mitzvah. They have seen all kinds of themes and all of them seemed played. Finally they decided they would do a safari bar mitzvah. They would fly all the guests over to Africa, and do the bar mitzvah al...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.