Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

One day, Juan was asked by his mother to buy milk from the store.

On the way home he slipped and the milk fell under the bridge.

"Juan where is the milk?"

"I'm sorry I slipped and it fell under the bridge"

"Let it be, it's dirty now. Now go buy eggs from the store"

On the way home Juan slipped and the eggs fell under the bridge again....

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls -

Sharon is Karen.

Juan Ken always dreamed of becoming an obstetrician but when he finally made it he couldn't decide on what people should call him.

His two choices: OB Juan, Ken OB

How many jokes does it take to make a Mexican smile?

Juan.

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan

My two Mexican friends had a best of three microphone testing competition.

Juan One and Juan Two had a one-on-one one-two one-two. Juan One won one, but Juan Two won two, so Juan Two won two to one.

Have you ever seen a Spanish Muslim?

Once you see juan, you see jamal.

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

The twins

A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

My Mexican friend is naming his sons in relation to the order they are born.

At least I think that was the idea, because his first son is called Juan, and his second son is called Juan too.

What happened after the Spanish King got his car stolen?

Juan Carlos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.

The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want ...

There was a guy named Juan

Juan was a normal person working at a restaurant serving people. One day someone asked for Juan to go for governor.

Juan had nothing going on in his life so he went for it. Juan ran for governor and got the job. But the same guy came in and asked for Juan to go be president.

So Juan ra...

Why were Juan and his twin sibling able to plagiarize off each other without being caught?

Nobody expects the Spanish Twin Submission.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be a prostitute at a Mexican golf resort.

They called me hole in Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

My neighbours have two sons - identical twins names Jamal and Juan.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

If the Mexican Drug Cartel had a slogan

It would be "Putting the 'Juan' in 'Marijuana'"

Kindergarten janitor, Juan keeps running off to the tree outside because

123.

Why was Juan so depressed?

because the loneliest hombre is the hombre Juan.

When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

A guy says, "Obstetricians named Juan can't seem to learn the whole alphabet."

His friend replies, "Why??"

"I dunno. For some reason they always get stuck at B."

"That's ridiculous. O.B. Juan can know 'B'"

I'll show my self out.

I just found out that George Clooney's wife has a twin brother named Juan who looks exactly like her

Some people say that once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?

Teacher: "Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?"

Juan: "Go to bed."

Teacher: "But... before that?"

Juan: "I take the clothes off!"

Teacher: "Wouldn't you go to the doctor?"

Juan: "No, no doctor! Doctor killed my uncle in Madrid!"

Teacher: "Really?"
...

What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?

A Juan on Juan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

What do you call Two Mexican Snipers?

Juan Shot
Juan Kill

What do you call a Hispanic man living in Thailand?

Thai Juan

The Mayor of San Juan was panicking

A reporter asked her what was wrong...

"Not only do I have to deal with the horrible conditions in my city after Maria, but now we have to prepare for another visit from a big ugly bag of wind."

"You mean there's another hurricane headed our way?"

"No, President Trump might fly ...

"I don't like tacos."

Said no Juan ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pissed off my buddy Juan today

And it was to the point to where he was going to kick my ass unless I did something embarrassing or gross. His suggestion was to drink milk straight from the cow he had out back. It was then I realized I had to choose between Juan or the udder.

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.


Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" an...

What do you call a Mexican that is a 1/3 German?

Nein Juan Juan.

What is Juan's favorite book to read?

Tequila Mockingbird

My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names..

I suggested Juan and Two

So there is this guy named Juan...

So there is this guy named Juan and Juan is a great guy. He doesn't drink he doesn't smoke, he doesn't beat his wife and kids. He doesn't kick his armadillo a cross the back yard.

One day, person number one comes up to him and says "Juan, you're a great guy. You don't drink. You don't smoke....

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

2 detectives were looking over Juan's murdered, lifeless body..

when one detective says " it looks like he was killed by a golf gun". The other detective said "what's a golf gun?" The other says " I dunno, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

So some crazy golfer snapped and stabbed a Mexican guy...

It was a hole in Juan.

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