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What happened to Juan?!

There once was a man named Juan(65M), who was seeing this woman named Maria(60F)... every Saturday, they had a ritual. They would meet up at the local park, sit on the bench, and Maria would hold his penis. They enjoyed about a year of this relationship, before one Saturday, Juan failed to show.
...

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

Amal and Juan repost a joke on /r/jokes but no one ever upvotes Juan's posts

Because once you've seen Amal, you don't wanna see another Juan.

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

Did you know Juan the horse has a brother named jamal?

Nothing really special, they're identical twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

One day, Juan was asked by his mother to buy milk from the store.

On the way home he slipped and the milk fell under the bridge.

"Juan where is the milk?"

"I'm sorry I slipped and it fell under the bridge"

"Let it be, it's dirty now. Now go buy eggs from the store"

On the way home Juan slipped and the eggs fell under the bridge again....

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

My Jamaican buddy is dating a Spanish chick. He doesn't like her granddad, Juan...

But he does like Hernando.

I see two Mexicans fighting

Call that a Juan on Juan

We've all heard the one about the twin boys - once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal. But have you heard the one about the twin girls -

Sharon is Karen.

This joke has a bright future...

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?



Juan

Juan Ken always dreamed of becoming an obstetrician but when he finally made it he couldn't decide on what people should call him.

His two choices: OB Juan, Ken OB

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

My grandparents are from San Juan, Puerto Rico, but the rest of my family is European.

I guess that makes me Quarter-Rican.

A Woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.

A woman has twins and gives up both for adoption.


The first twin is adopted by an Egyptian family and is then named "Amal."


The second twin is adopted by a Spanish family and is then named "Juan."


After 25 years, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological moth...

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

What plane does the Mexican President fly in?

AirForce Juan

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

2 Mexicans with the same name walk into a bar

One says hello my name is ____

Two says oh cool my name is also ____

One replys "oh, i guess I'm not the only Juan"

Why were Juan and his twin sibling able to plagiarize off each other without being caught?

Nobody expects the Spanish Twin Submission.

There was a guy named Juan

Juan was a normal person working at a restaurant serving people. One day someone asked for Juan to go for governor.

Juan had nothing going on in his life so he went for it. Juan ran for governor and got the job. But the same guy came in and asked for Juan to go be president.

So Juan ra...

Juan Joke (Really Long)

There's a man named Juan. He's a good man, he doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, doesn't beat the armadillo in his yard, he's kind to his neighbours and he takes care of his mother. He goes to work one day and his boss says, "Juan, I know that you're a good man, you don't beat your wife,...

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Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.

The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want ...

How many jokes does it take to make a Mexican smile?

Juan.

I'm a regular Don Juan

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with me

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There was once a man named Juan...

Juan was the most charismatic person around, and because of this he made a brilliant teacher. All of his students loved him, and Juan had helped their grades go up by at least 10%. So of course, when the principal at the time resigned Juan's pupils pushed him to become the next principal and so he d...

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

My two Mexican friends had a best of three microphone testing competition.

Juan One and Juan Two had a one-on-one one-two one-two. Juan One won one, but Juan Two won two, so Juan Two won two to one.

Little Johnny is in class the day before summer break

Teacher: Alright class I’m going to ask a question and if you get it right you can go home early.
The first question is, what president is on the penny?

Little Johnny raises his hand

Teacher: Ummm Juanita go ahead

Juanita: Abraham Lincoln!

Teacher: Alright Juanita you...

Have you ever seen a Spanish Muslim?

Once you see juan, you see jamal.

Why was Juan so depressed?

because the loneliest hombre is the hombre Juan.

Did you guys hear about the Mexican standoff?

In the end there was only Juan left

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

A guy says, "Obstetricians named Juan can't seem to learn the whole alphabet."

His friend replies, "Why??"

"I dunno. For some reason they always get stuck at B."

"That's ridiculous. O.B. Juan can know 'B'"

I'll show my self out.

My father, my pal Juan and I were walking down the street

When suddenly a man popped up in front of out faces. Juan reacted by biting the man's arm. The man fell down and pleaded that this was a big misunderstanding. My father asked me what we should do.

I replied "I don't know, but I don't trust that man Juan bit."

I just found out that George Clooney's wife has a twin brother named Juan who looks exactly like her

Some people say that once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

Kindergarten janitor, Juan keeps running off to the tree outside because

123.

When Juan told me he was scratching himself during a questionnaire, I was surprised.

After all, nobody expects the Spanish in-quiz itching.

Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?

Teacher: "Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?"

Juan: "Go to bed."

Teacher: "But... before that?"

Juan: "I take the clothes off!"

Teacher: "Wouldn't you go to the doctor?"

Juan: "No, no doctor! Doctor killed my uncle in Madrid!"

Teacher: "Really?"
...

What happened after the Spanish King got his car stolen?

Juan Carlos.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

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I pissed off my buddy Juan today

And it was to the point to where he was going to kick my ass unless I did something embarrassing or gross. His suggestion was to drink milk straight from the cow he had out back. It was then I realized I had to choose between Juan or the udder.

So Juan, Pablo, and Jose are all attempting to cross the border legally...

A border guard stops when he sees only one of them has the correct papers, and says
'Whoa whoa whoa there can be only Juan!'

I'll see myself out

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Kid asks his mum if he should bully Hispanics

his mum says no Juan deserves it

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I used to be a prostitute at a Mexican golf resort.

They called me hole in Juan.

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.


Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" an...

So there is this guy named Juan...

So there is this guy named Juan and Juan is a great guy. He doesn't drink he doesn't smoke, he doesn't beat his wife and kids. He doesn't kick his armadillo a cross the back yard.

One day, person number one comes up to him and says "Juan, you're a great guy. You don't drink. You don't smoke....

What is Juan's favorite book to read?

Tequila Mockingbird

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Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

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Request: Does anyone know any good jokes about Juan Ponce de Leon?

Sorry, I know this isn't the usual fare here, but my son is looking for jokes about Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon to share with his Social Studies class. Nothing too NSFW - it's for ten-year-olds.

Thanks!

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

2 detectives were looking over Juan's murdered, lifeless body..

when one detective says " it looks like he was killed by a golf gun". The other detective said "what's a golf gun?" The other says " I dunno, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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