What does a bag of chips have in common with a gun?

When you pull them out in class, suddenly everyone wants to be your friend.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Why is there global chip shortage?

Because it all went into vaccines.

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

She danced seductively, then sat on his lap.

She whispered in his ear "I'm here to give you super sex!"

The man thought about it and then asked her "what kind of soup?"

A rich Arabian business man brought all the chip shops in the UK

He was Sultan vinegar

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

What do You Call Tortilla Chips With Guns?

Loaded Nachos

What do you call 26 letters chipping in to make a big gamble?

An alpha bet.

The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.

I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

I like my jokes how I like my Lay's chips

Original.

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies

Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Have you heard about the fight in the fish and chip shop?

2 fish got battered.

For an orphan,

Every bag of chips is family sized.

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

What do you call an empty ring of wet wood chips?

Mulch a-dew about nothing

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"

And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

I just had my Covid vaccine.

The chip feels a bit lumpy and I have this permanent urge to buy Microsoft licenses.

On the upside, my 5G is full bars now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there’s cameras everywhere.

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

What's a cannibals favorite thing to eat with tortilla chips?

People de gallo.

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

Shy does Sean Connery have a lot of wood chip in the bank?

He opened a shavings account.

Elon Musk unveils pig with chip in its brain...

...it was from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

Who does a squirrel go to for confession?

>!A chip-monk!<

What do bags of chips and water have in common?

They're both 1/3 oxygen.

In Vegas, people can tithe by dropping casino chips in the offertory.

At the end of the weekend there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He’s the Chip Monk.

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

What kind of chips do Mrs. and Mr. Clause eat?

Kringle cut!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

Scottish chip shop joke

scotsman: Chips and a steak and kidley pie please

Server: you said kidley

scotsman: no I didley

What is the most popular potato chip at a rave party?

Utz Utz Utz Utz Utz Utz

You know why jokes about chips with cheese on them are the best ?

They're NACHO JOKES !

I walked into the store and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?"

The cashier says "no , we just have plain".

Bernie Madoff's Funeral

Sad news today as Bernie Madoff has passed away. Just before he died however, he asked his friends to chip in to pay for his funeral. But if they get two friends each to chip in too, they get their money back!

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

Bee sting

A husband and wife are out playing golf. At the turn, they decide to go in for a drink and bag of chips. The golf pro looks at them and asks, “how’d you hit ‘em?” The woman replies, “good, but I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole.”

The pro looks at her and says, “then your ...

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

Randomly thought of this one

What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip?

Plain...



Ok I'll leave now.

Chip shop fight

I got into a fight with a chip shop owner, we were wrestling on the floor and one of his assistents chucked yellow gunk over us, as I got up the owner pushed me and I fell into the fryer and in that moment I knew i'd been battered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half...

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

what does a computer eat?

chips

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

What kind kind of triangle is a tortilla chip?

An i-salsa-les triangle

My friend brought a bag of air for $5

He was surprised it came with some chips inside

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Couldn't astronauts just bring thousands of chip bags to the moon with them?

They get both air and chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buttcheeks

At the top of the hour, little Adam asks the grade 3 teacher "Is 'buttcheeks' one word? ..... Or should I spread them?"

Before the teacher could snort, little Brian chips in: "I know, I know! There should always be a colon in the middle! Am I right? "

The teacher shakes her head: "Loo...

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Which Spanish Explorers took chips with them on their expeditions to Central America?

The Con-Qeuso-dors!

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*

I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it.

It was pretty hardcore.

What's the saddest type of fish and chips?

a battered sole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

A man walks Into a library and asks “can I have some fish and chips please?” The librarian replies “sir, this is a library”

“Oh sorry!”
*whispers* “can I have some fish and chips?”

People always make fun of my dad because his name is Chip and he is a Dorito farmer

You might think that is cheesy but actually we got to grow up on a really cool ranch

Did you hear about the fish and chip shop owner that was taken to court?

He was charged with assault and battery.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

Why should you always bring your own cup to a spy's tea party?

Their cups are always chipped.

A new law in Korea stating all dogs must be chipped is causing mayhem.

Most people prefer them mashed.

I got fired for eating chips at work.

Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Gift for old man

So this old man is sitting in his condo in Boca and his doorbell rings and he goes to the door to see a gorgeous young woman and she says, “your friends all chipped in and sent me as a gift for you for an evening of super sex!”

So he thinks for a second and asks, “So what’s the soup?”

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

A man walks into a fish and chip shop...

"Nice plaice"

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