UPJOKE
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Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

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What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

What did Donald Trump say to the Russian Hooker?

You’re an 8

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What did Donald Trump say, when he went to the toilet?

I have to flush some classified bullshit

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

What's the difference between Batman and Donald Trump's tax?

People saw Batman Returns.

What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?

Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.

Chrysler is introducing a new car to its line-up to honour Donald Trump

The Dodge Drafter will go into production in Canada this year.

I just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm ...

I’m the CIEIO!

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

The board of directors for Old McDonald’s Farm has decided to give me a promotion.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

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Donald’s son is a great painter

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom. His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up. She called his father on phone to complain about the kid and explain what had happened

The father from his hospital bed ICU replied: "You got lucky Maam.........

"At home that bast...

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

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They say that women love a man in uniform.

I think that's fucking a load of crap.

I've been out clubbing in my McDonalds uniform for the last three nights and I haven't had any success.

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Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump

Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and ma...

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

Honey, I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. I need you to pay me a compliment.

Ok. Your eyesight is damn near perfect!

- Norm MacDonald

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

I went to MacDonald's and ordered 2 large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.

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Donald Trump, Bill Clinton and Prince andrew walk into a bar:

The bartender ask "What can i get you gentlemen?" They each say in unison "I'll take a White russian and make her a virgin"

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Actually, he just heard the words "Washington D.C." and "King" and got excited.

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half ...

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

[nsfw] Why did Norm MacDonald never have a farm?

Because he never got old.

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Duck is at a convention and a groupie knocks on his door.

After a while things are getting hot and heavy and the groupie says "Donald darling, before we go any further, I have to ask you to use protection", and Donald says "No problem, I'll call reception".

He picks up the phone and quacks "Hey there, Donald Duck here, could you send a condom up to ...

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

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There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

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What do McDonalds and pussy have in common?

It's generally frowned upon to eat in a Burger King.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

The Longest Password Ever.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at ...

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

Donald Trump walks into a bar

......
and set it lower

When Donald Trump dies...

He's gonna lie still...

You can all pray for Donald Trump if you want but ...

I'm going to stand back and stand by.

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

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A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

What happened when all of Old MacDonald’s animals ran away, except one?

He had a cow.

What did McDonalds call their new disappearing sandwich?

The McCaan Burger

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

Smart Old man

A lady gets a face lift and goes into clothing store and asks the girl how old she looks? The girl says 35 and the lady says thanks and that she was 47. She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the same thing and the girls says 29! She says 47, This makes the lady’s day and she heads to the bus stop t...

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervi...

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

Why is Mario jealous of Donald Trump?

Because he has been in peach twice now

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

After passing away, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God.

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I be...

Chess players say checkers players are dumb. But I like checkers...

Plus the red ones taste good.


Credit: Norm MacDonald (RIP)

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

Donald Trump was due to get circumcised

But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

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