Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?

Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

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Donald Duck is at a convention and a groupie knocks on his door.

After a while things are getting hot and heavy and the groupie says "Donald darling, before we go any further, I have to ask you to use protection", and Donald says "No problem, I'll call reception".

He picks up the phone and quacks "Hey there, Donald Duck here, could you send a condom up to ...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

Given his stature, you’d think that Donald Trump would be a terrible limbo player….

Yet he still manages to bring the bar lower and lower!

How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree?

Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

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What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

I'm starting a job as a director..

.. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

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There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

When Donald Trump dies...

He's gonna lie still...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

Donald Trump was the President of United States

It’s not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

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What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Don't look out these blonds at the supermarket

WARNING!!! SCAM ALERT!!!



You may find superhot blonds on Walmart. They used to hang out around the big 24 hr Supermarket car park. When you are putting your shopping away, they ask you for a lift to McDonalds. They are very convincing and very hot!

Once in your car the Blonde o...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

You can all pray for Donald Trump if you want but ...

I'm going to stand back and stand by.

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Why is Mario jealous of Donald Trump?

Because he has been in peach twice now

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama?

One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Donald Trump walks into a bar

......
and set it lower

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

Why did Donald Trump hire Van Helsing?

To stop the Count.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

Why do English people call it Football?

If they play it with a soccer ball

~Norm MacDonald

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of...

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

After passing away, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God.

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I be...

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common?

They aren’t PC

Donald Duck calls concierge

and says “can you thend up thome condomths to my room" and concierge said "want me to put it on your bill?" and Donald said "are you thucking thtupid I'll thuffocate"

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

Donald Trump was due to get circumcised

But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”

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What do you get if you mix Donald trump and a jew

Orange juice

What did Joe say to Donald on his way out of the White House today?

Bi-don

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

What's Donald Trump's favourite drink?

impeached ice tea

What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas?

I beg your pardon.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....

"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"

What is Donald’s favorite car style ?

A Coupe

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

I was told that women love a man in uniform.

I can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

You know that I can tell Donald Trump has never finished a novel...

He can't get past chapter 11

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...

Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervi...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

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A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office...

A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"


The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin?

I go to work for Gregory Olynovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I don't even know if Gre...

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

Donald Trump is 74

The 7 is silent.

I finally figured out why Donald Trump is orange.

He lives in a Fanta Sea.

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The Donald Went Down to Georgia

The Donald went down to Georgia.

He was lookin' for a vote to steal.

He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind.

He was willing to make a deal

When he came across this old man givin' a speech and doin' it hot.

And the Donald jumped upon a hickory stump and said "Man...

Donald Trumps recent actions are unprecedented...

For somebody who's just been un-presidented.

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

Donald Duck has been hanged!

He is now in what we refer to as a state of suspended animation.

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

Donald Trump WILL be president next year...

For about 19 days.

What is Donald Trump’s favorite sports team?

The Dodgers

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

Why was Melania so confident that Donald would win?

Because he always comes first.

Joe biden enters the white house. Donald trump says "you don't have the right to take the presidency from me!"

Joe Biden responds: "perhaps not, but I do have the left!"

So I looked up Donald Duck, and I have bad news.

He's on quack now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, the Pope, and a boy scout are on a plane losing altitude and there are only 3 parachutes...

Vladimir Putin jumps up and declares, “I am the smartest Russian in the world! My people need me! I will not die here!” Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the plane before anyone can say anything in response.

Watching intently and taking notes the entire time Putin was speaking Donald T...

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