At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary.

The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!”

The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

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What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued?

What the fuck are Yuan?

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.



As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"



Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin...

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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

Why I fired my secretary today.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I t...

Defense Secretary Shanahan briefed the President this morning.

He told Trump that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Trump's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaking. Finally, he composed himself and asked Shanahan, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A secretary knocks on God's door.

"The atheists are here to see you" she says.

God replies, "Tell them I'm not here"

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

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Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

HR to a girl during an interview for the post of the secretary

HR: "what's the difference between a paperclip & a screw?

Girl: I don't know, I've never been paperclipped

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to "secure that building"...

Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the doors. The Army occupied the building and ensured no on could enter. The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses to hold it. The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.



(Discovered in a sec+ guidebook...

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

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A boss said to his secretary, I want to have sex with you.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her friend and told her the story. Her friend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She a...

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

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An important business man needs to find a new secretary and HR gives him three candidates from who he must chose

To do this he asks the three girls the same question, "if I gave 1.000.000 dollars to take to the bank and when you get there they tell you they only need 500.000, what would you do? "
The first girls says she would give the bank the rest of the money and tell them to store it. The second girl sa...

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My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during lunch when she said,"Remember, you have a wife."

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I sent a memo to my secretary about her invite to the upcoming sexual innuendo in the workplace seminar

I said I had to give her one and if she couldn’t come then I would have to fill her slot.

A young doctor was just setting up his first office when he was told by his secretary that there was a man that wanted to see him.

The doctor wanted to make a good first impression by having the man think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary to show the man in. At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.

The man waited until the "conversa...

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him

and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will br...

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How can you tell your blonde secretary is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

Amazed by the stunning beauty of their new secretary, two corporate executives resolved to make her adjustment to her new firm their personal business...

“It’s up to us to teach her the difference between right and wrong,” said the first executive. “Agreed,” exclaimed the second. “You teach her what’s right.”

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

I found out my secretary cheats on me...

with her husband

The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of...

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Stalin's secretary hears one of his generals say "mean Mr Moustache"

She quickly runs into Stalins office and reports the words. Stalin thanks her, and calls for the general to be brought to him.

When the general arrives, Stalin sits him down and asks "I've received a report you said 'mean Mr Moustache'; is that correct?"

"Why yes comrade, it is." The g...

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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and d...

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A teacher sent out an announcement that her class will have a day off tomorrow.

One of her students comes home to tell his grandfather. *I don't have to go to school tomorrow, can you take me to the park?* He agrees.

He immediately calls his secretary at work. *Something came up so probably we can't meet up at the hotel tomorrow, let's do it some other time?* She agrees....

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A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"

He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."

My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work.

But he types really well.

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, ...

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A boss wanted to fuck his secretary

He calls her secretary and tells her that he wants to have sex with her, right here, in the office.

She denies by saying "it's not possible, somebody would notice them"

But the boss says "nobody will look. I'll make it quick" he says "i'll drop $500 to the floor and by the time she pic...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Years ago I used to work as a secretary for the mafia.

I was involved in very organized crime.

Secretary Mattis presented the Military Branches with sticks

The Army turned theirs into a weapon

The Navy used it as an oar

The Air Force put theirs on display at Lackland

The Marines held onto theirs confused.

Secretary Mattis asked them "you don't have any idea what to with that?"

The Marines replied "We do, but the Presi...

[ORIGINAL JOKE] A secretary is like...

a pencil sharpener, you can't really say it's yours until you screw it on your desk.

A doctors secretary walks into the doctors office and says " doctor there is an invisible man waiting for you" the doctor replies

" awe not again tell him I can't see him"

Boss tells his secretary:

\- Loise, it's the fifth time that you are late for work this week! What does that mean?!?

\- It means that it's Friday!

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Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed

"...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"

Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

A secretary, a salesman, and their boss...

A secretary, a sales rep, and their boss are walking to lunch when  they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in  a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish."  

The secretary says, "I want to be in the B...

New secretary

Frank and Harry have been business partners for many years. They had just employed a new secretary and Frank had taken her out.

"How was it?" inquired Harry.

"Fantastic! And i don't mind saying, that she's far better in the cot than my wife."

A couple of weeks later, Harry took ...

A manager hired a new secretary and she was young, sweet and polite…

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He dec...

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A male manager is assigned a state of the art, hot female looking robot secretary for the office...

...As he's being trained on the many features it has, he's told the robot will basically do anything he wants. He asks, anything? The installers reply, anything ;) and once they were done, they went onto other offices in the building to install more robots.

The manager instantly locks the doo...

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Man goes to the doctors

he's having problems with premature ejaculation, the Doc says when you feel yourself coming you have to give yourself a fright and that will prolong ejaculation.

Two days later he is back in the doctors office and the Doc says how did it go?

Well, not to good, we were in the 69 positio...

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A man was humping his secretary in his office up her ass when....

His wife walks in on them unannounced.

Horrified, she screams " Honey, you can't do this to me".

Man calmly replies"Right, that's why I am doing it to her".

The Boss calls his secretary..

The boss calls his female secretary & says:"Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says:"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"

The husband calls his girlfriend & says:"My wife is g...

CEO asks the VP: “ Hey, have you been boning my new secretary?”

VP says: “No!”.

CEO: “Good, then YOU fire her.”

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A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:

"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"

So they start flirting with her.

One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".

...

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders' kids must be failing out of school...

Cause they're probably taught to avoid answering every question.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

The secretary at my dentist office told me "The waiting room is just to the left, make yourself at home."

I've been back there every night since then to watch Cops and eat Cheetos in my underwear.

Why is Secretary of State Tillerson holding middle east peace talks during Thanksgiving in Wisconsin?

It's the only state that serves curds and turks at the same table.

Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she smart?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:Is she pretty?

Husband:Yes.

Wife:How did she dress today?

Husband:Very quickly.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him...

Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary?

A good one says, "*Good morning.*"

A great one says, "*It's morning.*"

Trump chose his Secretary of Defence

But who will be Secretary of De Wall?

I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary.

Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

A man as soon as he gets to his home

He says to his wife:

-Honey, we've got a problem...

Before he continues his wife says:

-Sweety, we've got to work together in any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?.

-Our secretary is...

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

The secretary keeps hearing music coming from the printer...

I think the paper is jamming.

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Choosing a Secretary

A businessman decides that it is time to hire a new secretary and has it narrowed down to a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Unable to choose between the three of them, he decides to conduct an experiment. At the end of the day he places a five dollar bill on the ground in his office to see how ea...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

Ben Carson was asked why he didn't want to be Secretary of State.

He answered: "to...me....everyone...seems...like...they...are...always...Russian."

"SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

O...

HR: Sir, why is your secretary standing with tens of underwear in hand?

Boss: Damn, I asked her to debrief all the interns before the meeting.

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The doctor is sat in his office one day & asks the nurse/secretary to send in the next patient.....

.........In walks Mr. Jones, closes the door behind him, sits down & the doctor immediately notices that he looks totally physically drained & hasn't had a decent nights sleep for weeks......

"Ok, so how can I help you Mr. Jones?"

"Well, it's like this doc, I have a hyperactive...

What did the secretary say to Bill Clinton after his inauguration speech?

Wow, that was quite a mouthful.

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