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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Mr. Smith walks into the bathroom to find an armless army vet struggling at the urinals.

Seeing the poor vet in distress and acknowledging what he must have sacrificed for their country Smith offers to undo his zipper for him.

"Thank you so much young man" the vet says. "I know this is a lot to ask but could you also hold it for me so I don't make a mess of myself"

Relucta...

Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria’

Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'

A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.

"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."

Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"

"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

How do you track Will Smith in the woods?

You use fresh prints.

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

What do you call a Jigglypuff that looks like Will Smith

A Jiggypuff

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prince.

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A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

„How much for a blowjob“ he asks.
„50“ she answers.
„Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the ...

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

On the Sherrifs Wife’s Death Bed

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for fr...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith.

I asked him what his other leg was called.

Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

if a woman is a grandma and her last name is Smith

does that make her a Granny Smith?

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.

"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We'...

What do you call a guy who won't stop making swords?

Will Smith

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

- Your Honor, I beg you. I have a wife and three children. I cannot go back to this nightmare.

\- I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. You served your time and you are now a free man.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

Doctor: “Miss Smith, I think you have acute appendicitis.”

Miss Smith: “Thank you, Doctor. I bet you have a cute appendicitis too.”

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you ...

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!

Unless it’s a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...

A woman walked into Dr Smith’s office and introduced herself.

“Hi, I’m Dr Yvette Tan, I’ve just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice”.

Despite some misgivings, D...

What agency did Agent Smith work for in The Matrix?

Code Enforcement.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

Will Will Smith smith ?

Yes, Will Smith will smith.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Will Smith was born in September..

He should be used to coming after August

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An old Japanese sword smith meets his three sons at a shrine, and explains his final wish.

"I refuse to die until I am a great-grand father." He says. "Until you all three of you have given me a great-grand child, I will live on. When each of you grant me this, I will give you all a sword, each matching your personalities." After I give you the swords, I will die.

The child of the ...

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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

A pastor dies and get into heaven



He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls. 20 angels to help you with your daily lifes...

The mother of a wealthy, shrewd businessman passed away.

In liquidating her assets he took a large quantity of gold jewelry to a blacksmith. On the way into the shop, he noticed a large sign near the entrance that read, “NO PRODUCTS OR ITEMS MAY BE STORED AT THE SHOP. ITEMS LEFT FOR LONGER THAN 24 HOURS BECOME PROPERTY OF JACK BLACKSMITHING!”

He to...

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Native American name - a true story

25 years ago, I worked with a guy named Kee Smith (last name changed here... this is really a real story). Kee was sort of a crunchy granola type of European ancestry. Eventually, he told the story about his unusual name.

He said he was born on a reservation, and he was placed in a bassinet...

I went to a record shop and asked them for something by The Smiths.

The owner went out the back and came back with a longsword and pair of gauntlets.

I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

How does Will Smith make his coffee?

The French Press of Bel Air.

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A woman walks into a doctors office

After getting through the door she stomps her way to the reception desk. Not waiting for even a greeting she blows up " I WANNA TALK TO DOCTOR JOHNSON AND I WANNA TALK TO THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW!" With eyes the size of dinner plates the receptionist rushes to retrieve the doctor. Moments later ...

A black smith went to a doctor

He said he just can't stop sneezing.

The doctor told him he has a Metallurgy.

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years.

24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies.
AND that girl stole his bacon.

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I was sitting on a public toilet when I heard a Voice from the next cubicle.

"Excuse me, did you by any chance have circumsion from Doctor Smith?"

Surprised, i replied "Why yes but how could you possibly have known?"

"He always cuts on a slant. You're peeing on my shoe."

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A pen...

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Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

What happends if Will Smith goes back in time ?

He becomes Was Smith

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

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John Smith got a job at Ayr Seaport

Oh John's first day, he was told to, or rather wait for someone else to do so, transport a gorilla. He was told by his supervisor "Do anything, but don't touch it!" He went around, doing things until he thought "What happens if I do touch it?" So he leaned in the cage and lightly touched it, and it...

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Doctor to his assistant Doc: Put a sign outside my clinic that reads Doctor Smith Therapist

A whole day has gone by without a patient entering


Doctor: Did you put the sign outside like i told you ?

Assistant: Yes,but is Therapist 2 words?

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Nee...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

A guy named Joe Smith

A guy named Joe Smith, from Muleshoe, Texas, claimed to know everybody, and a big Texas oilman challenged him when Joe says he knows the governor of Texas. The bet is on, and the oilman flies with Joe to Austin and the governor’s office. Joe tells the secretary he would like to have a word with the ...

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

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