UPJOKE
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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

Mr. Smith worked as an account manager for a company for over 30 years.

He never missed a day's work and you could set your watch to his arrival time. 9:00am without fail. Then one day he enters the office at 9:45 all disheveled with a black eye, bloody lip, and torn jacket clutching papers and a broken briefcase. His boss was visibly shaken and asked him what happen...

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

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Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith

Two men of a certain age, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith, would often meet at the local town park where they would sit on a bench and feed the pigeons.

They became friends.

One day when they met, Mr. Jones was very happy and excited and asked Mr. Smith

\- “Have you ever tried Viagra...

How come you never read about Will Smith anymore?

Because paper covers Rock.

Will Smith defended his wife so well…

She’s definitely going to let him watch tonight.

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith?

Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

What do Will Smith and Moses have in common?

They both hit rocks instead of talking to them.

For my decade on Reddit here is my favorite Will Smith joke

It appears Will Smith’s marriage is open to everything except JOKES

Caller: “Jack Smith will not be in school today.”

Teacher: “Is he sick? Who is this speaking please?”

Caller: “This is my father speaking.”

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

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Was going through my record collection when I found an old Will Smith CD..

I'd almost forgotten how that shit slaps!

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun

now he just seems *jaded*

Will Smith...

Should worry less about whose mouth his wife's name is in, and more about who's in his wife's mouth.

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

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Will Smith so white...

Will Smith so white he can hit a black man on camera and get away with it.

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

If Will Smith is this angry in March

Just wait until August comes around.

If Will Smiths wife doesn't like alopecia jokes.

It's hair loss

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Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

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Will Smith should take a joke the same way Jada takes a dick

From everyone...except Will Smith.

I’m trying to think of a Will Smith joke

But I can’t come up with a punchline

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

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The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "private area", a slight amount of brain activity on the monitor.

The senior nurse goes out to talk to the husband, "Mr. Smith, we have an unorthodox request for you. My staff has noticed that your wif...

Why did Will Smith slap Chris at Oscars instead of punching

Coz Paper beats Rock.

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

How do you call making fun of Jada Smith in front of Will?

A bald move.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

I give Will Smith credit…

It takes guts to stand up and defend another man’s woman like that.

What happens when Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith's wife?

Will Smith smacks himself.

Shout out to Will Smith!

I never would’ve stood up for another man’s girl like that

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

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If Will Smith smacked Chris in the butt instead of the face...

He still would have hit Rock bottom.

Hopefully Will Smith’s mom didn’t watch the Oscars.

He might have to move back in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

I am not smart enough to make a topical joke about how Jada Smith likes younger men, but I have to imagine that...

...if there is a Will, there is a way.

I was going to make another trendy joke about Jada Smith’s hair

But there’s not much material to work with

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

You know, Will Smith can never get lost....

because where there is a Will, there is a way.

Physical

Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God? "George replied, "...

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

A doctor specializing in circumcision is about to retire...

Over the years he has kept all the foreskins and approaches a leather smith to see if he can make them into something.

A few weeks later the leather smith delivers a small wallet to the doctor, the doctor is confused saying "I gave you loads of foreskins and you only made this tiny wallet?"...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

its an old one but I think its funny.

So, in the summer, I go do some work. I was looking for a job, and found house painting.

A couple of days after my first day, we where going to paint a fairly big house. We did it with the 3 of us, because then the job will be done quicker.

One day, one of us fell down the lader, 3 f...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

If Will Smith travelled to the past...

...would he be Was Smith?

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Do you know how the residents of Jackson Hole know when will smith comes to visit?

Fresh prints.

What’s the difference between a gang bang and a joke?

Will Smith won’t let his wife be in a joke.

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

The only way Amber Heard would get what she deserves...

is if she started telling jokes about Will Smith's wife.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

A man knocked on Mrs Smith's door.

"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said.
"Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."

Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"

"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria’

Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.

"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We'...

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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What’s the difference between 4 dicks and a joke?

Jada Pinkett Smith can’t take a joke apparently.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

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