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Charles Dickens goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The barkeeper asks him:
"Olive or twist?"

TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together

Its called Carolus' ex

Why couldn’t Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married.

The marriage of Charles and Diana was doomed from their wedding night....

...that's when Diana discovered that not all rulers are 12" long.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

Where did Prince Charles go on his honeymoon?

indiana

Stevie Wonder says the best advice he ever heard was from Ray Charles...

"The future's lookin' up."

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In honor of Charles Dickens...

I am also going to be poor this Christmas

We’ve all heard of Boyle’s Law and Charles’s Law, but have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Did you know NBC once considered a diet & fitness show based on people such as Air Force Amy, Mary Magdalene, Heidi Fleiss, Charles Ponzi, Berni Madoff, and Donald Trump?

The pilot was cancelled because they didn't want to weigh the pros and the cons.

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

Bishop Charles Ellis III has spoken of his embarrassment over groping Ariana Grande..

He says he felt a right tit.

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philant...

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Prince Charles goes to Australia

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusu...

Ex-Bears CB Charles Tillman is now an FBI agent...

Little known fact he was actually working for the FBI all along, he was just under cover

It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is "Chuck".

I mean, what the Farles is that about?

My Mother-In-Law asked how Charles Manson died, and I responded, "Complications with dementia". To which she replied...

"I thought he was demented his whole life. Why is he having complications with it now??"

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Names are weird. How do you get Billie from William? How do you get Chuck from Charles? How do you get dick from Richard?

You ask nicely

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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?

She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

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Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"

Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

The Queen and Prince Charles

The Queen and Prince Charles are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door. The Queen goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So the Queen shouts loudly: "Hey Charles, it's for you."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man" he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Did you hear what Charles Manson said after he was asked what he would do if he got out on parole at his hearing?

CM: "I don't know, settle down? Maybe start a family?"

Credit to my friend for this joke haha.

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Prince Charles and the hooker...

Prince Charles and the Hooker: 4 years ago Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. “One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. ...

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So old man Charles is lying on his deathbed.

His great nephew Peter comes to see him, and Charles gets to talking about his life and rambling on, like old men do.

He points out the window and says "Pete, you see that road out there? I built that road myself before there was a town here. I cleared the forest, I leveled the land, I laid t...

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The State of Affairs in Australian Politics

>Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

>>"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

>>Abbott then asked, "But how do I k...

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Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home

He asks a 93 year old lady "Have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?"
She replies "A couple of times, but i prefer to be fucked up the arse on the sofa"

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artille...

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

What does Charles Darwin use to moisturise his skin?

Evo-lotion.

What will people say when Prince Charles dies?

Long live the Queen.

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

Punny monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Micha...

What is the definition of eternal love?

Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing a game of tennis

[Punchline wanted] Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. To their surprise, the bartender is a monkey.

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
...

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Blindness

Stevie Wonder -7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

​

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..."

"...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"

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I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens.

It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.

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Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

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Have you heard the slogan for Charles Dickens Brand Hard Cider?

There is nothing quite like a hard Dickens' Cider!

A guy named Charles lived in a foreign country for many many years.

When he came back, everyone started calling him "Harles". Why?

Because long time, no c..

Charles proposed...

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Betwe...

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The estate of Charles Dickens is too make alcoholic beverages from the apples on their land

The slogan is "All the girls love a Dickens Cider"

How did Charles Darwin die?

Natural causes.

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

The Tie Salesman

There’s a great haberdasher by the name of Igor Kavinsky who made his name in the former Soviet Union for his luxurious ties. They were remarked to be the best, better than the best, the best of the best. With a reputation like that, it was no wonder that he was popular amongst the elite of the elit...

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Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.

So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”

“Much better!”...

Three young sons left native home, went out on their own and prospered......!

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our beloved mother."

The second said, "I sent her a marvelous & attractive Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Y...

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I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

I have a pet whale

His name is Charles, he is the Prince of Whales.

Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department of the sporting goods store.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, M...

What do you call a blind ghost that likes to play piano?

Wraith Charles