I don’t think Edward Norton play a good Frodo Baggins.

But Elijah Wood


*disclaimer* I tried to put this on r/dumbjokes but they’re unreasonably fickle.

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

Why does Edward Woodward have so many “D’s” in his name?

Because otherwise his name would be Ee-wah Woo-wah.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He’s popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, “You no job good!” Since the boss can’t pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.

One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and...

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common?

They've both made a lot of money from Superstition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes into the courthouse and says...

"Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank."
"That's... unfortunate", replies the clerk, "are you here for a name change?"
"Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward."

I went to High School with Edward Snowden

He was voted, "Most likely to secede"

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward.




What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head?






Edward Wood.





What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?







Edward Woodward
.




What do you c...

What do you call a hacker stuck in his house after a winter storm?

Edward Snowed-in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide?

Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.

I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric...

but it will cost an arm and a leg.

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.

Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would st...

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that the Black Prince, Edward of Woodstock, died of dysentery.

That's a shitty way to die.

How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration?

**The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **

I've been saving up....

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to
go...

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this.

He has trans parents, see

Why didn't Edward get on the plane?

Cause it was snowed-in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

Wanna know how to defeat Edward Scissorhands?

Just throw rock.

Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is talking with his friend Edward...

...and asks him:
-What do dead and black people have in common?
-Well, I don't know.
-They both get a rest, Ed.

I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide...

...you can call me Ed G.

The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia.

NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.

Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en!

(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...

but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation hurts.

Signed, Edward Scissorhands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men survive a plane crash in the jungle.

Paddy, an Irishman, Jock, a Scotsman, and Edward, an Englishman.
The three men band together and set off in search of civilisation. After many hours trekking through the jungle the men come across 3 rotting dead birds.
“I’m not eating that!” Says a disgusted Edward.
“Aye it’s covered in ...

For the next two days you can call me Edward...

I'll be snowed in

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

Smash your head into a computer keyboard and see what comes up.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

Attorney in the bathroom...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me ...

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy

(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.



There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?

Edward Snowed In

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.