Edward Jokes - 60 Hilarious Edward Jokes

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

I got a job working with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton

I think it’s a serious job considering I was told twice not to talk about it

Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter?

He'll be Snowden.

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

What did Edward Newgate say when he sailed to the Middle East? [Fixed]

THE ONE PIECE ISRAEL

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Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.

Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would st...

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

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What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

Captain Edward Smith's last meal included lettuce on his plate.

Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He’s popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, “You no job good!” Since the boss can’t pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.

One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and...

What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

I don’t think Edward Norton play a good Frodo Baggins.

But Elijah Wood

*disclaimer* I tried to put this on r/dumbjokes but they’re unreasonably fickle.

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What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common?

They've both made a lot of money from Superstition

Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide?

Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

Why didn't Edward get on the plane?

Cause it was snowed-in.

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A guy is talking with his friend Edward...

...and asks him:
-What do dead and black people have in common?
-Well, I don't know.
-They both get a rest, Ed.

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

Wanna know how to defeat Edward Scissorhands?

Just throw rock.

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

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What do you call a cat named Edward who has sex with his mother?

Oedipussy.

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TIL that the Black Prince, Edward of Woodstock, died of dysentery.

That's a shitty way to die.

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia.

NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.

Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.

Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...

but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en!

(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

For the next two days you can call me Edward...

I'll be snowed in

How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration?

**The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **

Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this.

He has trans parents, see

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

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Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

Attorney in the bathroom...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to...

Forgive me if it's a repost, I am not sure.

Rick: What is the name of your car?

Edward: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.

Rick: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to g...

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A man comes into the courthouse and says...

"Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank."
"That's... unfortunate", replies the clerk, "are you here for a name change?"
"Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward."

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward.

What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head?

Edward Wood.

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward
.

What do you c...

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Masturbation hurts.

Signed, Edward Scissorhands

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

Smash your head into a computer keyboard and see what comes up.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

1. What do you call a fight between celebrity actors? ( more)

1. **What do you call a fight between celebrity actors?**

**Star Wars!**

**2. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?**

**Edward Woodwood!**

3. **What do you call a pig that knows karate?**
**Pork chop!**

4....

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?

Edward Snowed In

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously

Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

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The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me ...

An Acadian, a Newfie and a Quebec'er were walking down the beach when they they found a Genie's lamp

The Genie said that he would grant them each one wish. The Genie turned to the Acadian and asked "What will be your wish?"

The Acadian said "Well, I had to start working out West and they don't speak a lot of French there, so it would be nice if they would accept me for who I am."

Th...

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

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