"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"

Ok. BTW what's my last name?

"Scissorhands"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

I don’t think Edward Norton play a good Frodo Baggins.

But Elijah Wood


*disclaimer* I tried to put this on r/dumbjokes but they’re unreasonably fickle.

Why does Edward Woodward have so many d’s in his name?

Because if he didn’t, his name would be Ewar Woowar

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

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What do you call a cat named Edward who has sex with his mother?

Oedipussy.

What do John Edward and Stevie Wonder have in common?

They've both made a lot of money from Superstition

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He’s popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, “You no job good!” Since the boss can’t pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.

One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and...

Why was Edward stuck in Russia?

Because he got Snowden!

Forgive me if it's a repost, I am not sure.

Rick: What is the name of your car?

Edward: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.

Rick: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol

Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide?

Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric...

but it will cost an arm and a leg.

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

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Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.

Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would st...

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TIL that the Black Prince, Edward of Woodstock, died of dysentery.

That's a shitty way to die.

How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration?

**The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

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A man comes into the courthouse and says...

"Hello, my name is Alexander Dickwank."
"That's... unfortunate", replies the clerk, "are you here for a name change?"
"Indeed, I would like to change my first name to Edward."

Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this.

He has trans parents, see

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is talking with his friend Edward...

...and asks him:
-What do dead and black people have in common?
-Well, I don't know.
-They both get a rest, Ed.

Why isn't Edward leaving Russia?

...because he's snowed in.

The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia.

NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.

Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden.

I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide...

...you can call me Ed G.

Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...

but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en!

(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

For the next two days you can call me Edward...

I'll be snowed in

1. What do you call a fight between celebrity actors? ( more)

1. **What do you call a fight between celebrity actors?**

**Star Wars!**



**2. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?**

**Edward Woodwood!**



3. **What do you call a pig that knows karate?**
**Pork chop!**


4....

What do you call a hacker stuck in his house after a winter storm?

Edward Snowed-in

I've been saving up....

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to
go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation hurts.

Signed, Edward Scissorhands

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Attorney in the bathroom...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to...

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Wood

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not enough parachutes

Dan, Edward, and Johnny were friends who decided to go skydiving together. They signed up, took the class and were up in the air in a few short hours.

They reach the altitude from where they are supposed to jump when the instructor comes running out of the cockpit and says, “Uhhhh we have a p...

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

True story

My fathers name is Edward, Ed for short, and my mother’s name is Alice. The joke was “if you have a problem with Ed, see Alice.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me ...

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy

(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.



There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?

Edward Snowed In

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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