This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to g...

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortuna...

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

Where's the best place for Edward Snowden to hide?

Wallstreet. No one there ever seems to get prosecuted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that the Black Prince, Edward of Woodstock, died of dysentery.

That's a shitty way to die.

Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country?

He was Snowden.

I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric...

but it will cost an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good ol’ Edward

A young man called Edward wanted to buy a Birthday present for his new girlfriend. They had only just started going out with each other and she lived a considerable distance away.

Edward consulted his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would st...

How many Edward Snowden's does it take to know what is going on in a Clinton administration?

**The server you are attempting to connect to has been unintentionally disabled, wiped, and burned. But not in a gross negligent manner. **

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn’t remember what that character was called so I sign to her, “What’s that character’s name?”

“Edward,” says her hands.

What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama?

Pardon me

Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia?

Because he was Snowden.

Edward G Robinsons father became a woman, and his mother became a man. He has been very open discussing this.

He has trans parents, see

The bad weather kept my friend Edward from going to work today

He's Snowden

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is talking with his friend Edward...

...and asks him:
-What do dead and black people have in common?
-Well, I don't know.
-They both get a rest, Ed.

I legally changed my name to Edward Genocide...

...you can call me Ed G.

Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en!

(according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

Because if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

For the next two days you can call me Edward...

I'll be snowed in

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Doctor drives by a small town.

A Doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.

Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to t...

Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...

but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

Not to spoil the Eclipse for anyone tomorrow but...

Bella chooses Edward.

Attorney in the bathroom...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to...

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy

(credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

What do you call an NSA whistle-blower spending the winter in Russia?

Edward Snowed-in

The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me ...

What do you call a government official that can't leave an airport because of a blizzard?

Edward Snowed In

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.



There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...