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Chris Jokes

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas".

And now they are The ......... Peas

Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil?

They both got hammered by a blacksmith.

Everyday I keep telling myself: “Chris, you have to stop drinking, it’s becoming a serious problem ”

Thank god my names not Chris

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Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

Chris Rock deserves an Oscar

for acting.... like an adult.

If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and Chris Brown formed a band, what would its name be?

The Heavy Hitters.

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

What's the difference between Chris Rock and Will Smith?

Chris Rock can take a hit

Chris Rock's new comedy special just came out on Netflix

it slaps

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My girlfriend keeps watching Chris Pratt movies then taking long showers.

I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare h...

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Chris Brown is releasing a new album

It's called "My Greatest hits", There is some hard hits feat. Rihanna, Usher and a lot of unconfirmed "Artists".

What did the police find after dusting Chris Rocks face after the show?

Fresh Prince

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

I am 110% sure that I am FAR from the first person to think of this joke, but I promise I came by it independently. What did Chris Rock have on his face when he left the Oscars?

Will Smith’s Fresh Prints.

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How does Chris Hemsworth get girls ready for sex?

Thorplay

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

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What Chris Rock should have said....

Well, now I know why you didn't win for Ali. You tennis dad bitch.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.

What happens when you put Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Reeve, Chris Pratt and Chris Evans in the same room?

A Chrisis

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

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Weekend

A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how ...

What happened when Chris Brown bought the mansion next to Rihanna's?

\[Ri moved\]

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

How does Chris Brown's girlfriend know that he cheated?

Different shade of lipstick on his knuckles.

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

If Alex Jones and Chris Brown were both on fire and you only had one fire extinguisher...

Where would you hide it?

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything i...

Why did Rihanna get back with Chris Brown?

Because she didn't want to be a one hit wonder.

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and th...

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

Why wife woke me this morning and said I'm half the size of Chris Evans.

I think she's confused, because I'm definitely not 3 feet tall.

One moment Chris D’Elia’s the King of Comedy

the next he’s barely regal.

Chris Hemsworth arranged a party for Tom Hiddleston's birthday that not many people knew about.

It was a Loki event.

How does Chris Hemsworth feel after a workout?

Thor


Bonus joke.

How does Tom Hiddleston walk around in public?

Loki



I'll see myself out.

Chris pratt came up on the news

My dad said "y'know it's sad"



I replied "what's wrong"


He said "that someone could name their son Crisp Rat "

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

whats the difference between Chris Rock and Santa.

Santa stops at 3 hoes

My girlfriend said her free pass is Chris Hemsworth.

I told her my free pass is much more realistic and she should change her pick. She even agreed with me.

So I don't know why she got so mad when I said mine is her sister.

What’s the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station?

Radio stations only have 90 minutes of nonstop hits.

I think Chris Brown should be a storm trooper in the next Star Wars.

Maybe he can actually hit somebody.

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A man named Chris

This guy called Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is tony home?" he asks.
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in"
They sit down and Chris says, "You know Tina, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen,...

Happy Chris Columbus Day! Say what you want about the guy but in reality....

We wouldn't have the first two Harry Potter movies without him.

What do Kevin McCallister and Chris Watts have in common?

They both made their families disappear.

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

Chris Brown’s Greatest hits

Rhianna

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

Chris Evans, Chris Pine, Christopher Walken and Christopher Eccleston attend a church sermon together

Carol Spinney, the actor for Big Bird, happens to be sitting in the front row.
He asks the priest “hey, father, are those guys over there the real deal?”
The priest replies: “oh yeah, it’s a Chris mass, Carol”

Chris Brown's girlfriend walked into a bar.

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

What does Chris Hansen call a baby jaguar?

A child predator

What's Chris Brown's favorite part of any song?

The beat

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are getting together.....

......they are calling themselves Dire Rea.

What's chris browns favourite song?

Hit me baby one more time.

Yesterday I went to the gym, so I could look like Chris Hemsworth.

This morning I woke up and all my muscles were Thor...

Chris Rock, The Rock, and Kid Rock walk into a marijuana dispensary

*something about being stoned*

I tried.

One day, Rihanna has amnesia and can't remember anything. She's asked, "What do you think of Chris Brown?"

She replies: "Beats me".

My workmates are weird

They label the food in the companies fridge

Today I had a sandwich named Chris and a yogurt named Max

I was gonna make a chris brown joke,

But he beat me to the punch

What do you call a group of people name Chris

An MCU

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So Chris Brown is expecting a baby.

Guess Rhianna isn't the only one who's ass is getting slapped before the black eyes.

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole

I met a Chinese guy at a party and told him, “Do I know you? Are you Chris Chen?”

He said, “No. I’m Eric. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?”

Me: No, I meant do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

Rihanna called me years ago and asked if she should date Chris Brown.

I said "If you want to knock yourself out".
Poor thing heard it as "If you want to, knock yourself out".

What is Chris Brown's favorite cooking appliance?

A Black and Decker

Did you hear about the new spin-off/crossover series starring Chris Pratt?

It’s called Parks and Rex

What’s Chris Brown’s favorite type of music?

Beatbox

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