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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You could start with supper.

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

"Mom! I'm going out!"

\- You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt - Why not? - Because I can see your balls, Richard.

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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Names are interesting. You can get Bob from Rob, Bill from Will, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

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What do you call a group of guys named Richard?

An embarrassment of Riches.


If you thought it was "a bunch of Dicks" get your mind out of the gutter!

Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a ...

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ...

"I cannot tell the difference!"

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I gave my friend a viagra for his Dick.

Now he has a Richard.

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So, I have these friends, Richard and Alice...

And as it turns out, Richard is very strongly attracted to Alice. He asks her if the two of them can have sex, offering her $100 and stating that he'll be done by the time she picks it up. She agrees, and gets on the bed as Richard produces his hundred dollars.

"You know you're not actually g...

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

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I don’t trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they’re all kind of dicks.

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.



*I'll show myself out...*

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

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I really hate Richard

He's such a Dick

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

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Richard and I are no longer friends

That guy was a dick anyway

Richard Nixon's favorite vegetable

Arooooogula

What mom loves...

Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!

Son: Mom, what do you love?

Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

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I've known a lot of Richards in my life...

They were all dicks

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

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Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

A kid asked his mother why his sister was named rose.

His mother replied to him, explaining that roses were her favorite color.

He then asked her the same question in regards to his own name.

"You'll get it when you're older, Richard," she responded.



E: I know I said color instead of flower, but I am leaving it.

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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

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A girl befriends a boy at school

What's your name - she asks

Dick - he replies - it's short for Richard

How does one get Dick from Richard - ask the girl curiously

One askes nicely for it - replies the boy

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Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life.

I translated this joke from my native Serbian language, spelling might not be perfect. Ok.

Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life. He learn that there is in Texas one very smart guy, and that he can help him, he goes there and ask him "Can you tell me what is meaning of life?".
...

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

Keith Richards recently went to the doctor

They were surprised to have found traces of blood in his heroin stream.

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Richard was my superior when I was in the army...

He was a major dick

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

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My parents wanted me to have masculine name like Richard...

But I prefer Dick

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

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What did Richard yell as he threw himself at the zombies, so the other survivors could go on?

"Eat a Dick!"

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

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Do you know Steve and his narcissistic husband Richard?

They both love Dick.

Keith Richards is dead

No one has told him that yet though.

What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking?

A fruit and a vegetable.

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

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