Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

How do you get "dick" from Richard?

You ask him nicely

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I used to work at a place that only hired people called Richard.

The owner was a real Dick.

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham asked Richard Cheese to record an album with their band.

It was called "Fleetwood Mac and Cheese"

What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

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Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.

He was a real dick head

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[NSFW] [Easter] How do you say “Robert and Richard had intercourse with the rabbit” without any Rs?

Bob and Dick fucked the bunny

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

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Richard asks Susan to stop letting people know they're married.

To which she responds, "I doesn't bother me if people know I have a Dick."

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If you take a picture of a man named Richard...

Is it a Dick pic?

Did you hear Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were attacked by a giant magpie?

Witnesses say one bird was trying to kill two Stones

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Richard isn't very happy

His family are nuts and his neighbours an asshole

What does Richard Curtis have in common with a group of 30 people?

They make up Four Weddings and a Funeral

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

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If dick is short for Richard...

I should call Richard's wife

There was once a man by the name of Austin Richard Post

He thoroughly enjoyed writing music, but could never quite find people who would want to make music with him; this often left him secluded in his life. Disappointed by his lack of fame and a band, he talked to a local bartender, surrounded by drinks, about his situation.

"I just don't unders...

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

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My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know.

That was a Dick move.

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

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Never hang out with someone named richard

He's usually a dick

A group of cows? A herd.

A group of crows? A murder.
A group of guys called Richard? A bag.

Dad, why is my sister named Olivia?

"Because your mother had a massive craving for olives when she was pregnant."

"That makes sense. Thanks dad."

"No problem, Richard."

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

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Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

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I know this is dumb

A man walks into a bar and sees a really pretty woman and sits down next to her.

He says “Did you know Dick is short for Richard?”

Confused, she asks “How do you get Dick from Richard”

He responds “You ask politely”

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

You know, I understand how you get “Will” or even “Bill” out of William, but how the heck do you get “Dick” from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

To the most amazing Physicist in the world, Richard...

you are such a fine-man.

Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

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What do you call a group of guys named Richard?

An embarrassment of Riches.


If you thought it was "a bunch of Dicks" get your mind out of the gutter!

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard, when they accidentally sent the ball to the neighbors yard. Tim went there to fetch it, but after a while, he came running with eyes closed tightly.

John: Hey, what happened?

Tim: Mrs. Richards is sunbathing there, naked.

John: Yah,...

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I don’t trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they’re all kind of dicks.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

I was confused how people get "Dick" out of "Richard"

Turns out you just give it a healthy pull

Three mothers

Are with their children at a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second ...

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

Kid: Hey dad why is my sister’s name rose?

Dad: Because your mother loves roses.
Kid: Oh, ok thanks dad!
Dad: No problem Richard.

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.



*I'll show myself out...*

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

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I've known a lot of Richards in my life...

They were all dicks

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

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To anyone named Richard

Technically anything you do is a Dick move

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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

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Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

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Tiny Dick is dead.

*Little Richard

Damn autocorrect.

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

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Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life.

I translated this joke from my native Serbian language, spelling might not be perfect. Ok.

Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life. He learn that there is in Texas one very smart guy, and that he can help him, he goes there and ask him "Can you tell me what is meaning of life?".
...

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

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Richard was my superior when I was in the army...

He was a major dick

Keith Richards recently went to the doctor

They were surprised to have found traces of blood in his heroin stream.

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My parents wanted me to have masculine name like Richard...

But I prefer Dick

An ok joke

Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”

“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”

So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”<...

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