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Richard Jokes

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It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

Why is "Dick" short for Richard?

Genetics

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

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If you take a picture of a man named Richard...

Is it a Dick pic?

Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev race around the White House

1972. In the spirit of Detente, Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev decide to run a friendly footrace around the White House. The event is reported by every news outlet in the world.

The younger, fitter Nixon easily beats the old, unfit Brezhnev. It's a humiliation, so the Soviet press team are...

What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?

Now is the winter of our distant tent

Richard Marx was a famous singer in the 80s

But did you know his sister, Onya, invented the starter pistol?

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pyror?

One was burnt by Pepsi and one was burnt by coke.

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What did Richard Spencer say when he got punched during an interview?

I did nazi that coming!

Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You can probably buy him a drink first.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

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King Richard’s coronation must have been interesting.

Everyone was waiting patiently for a good Dick King.

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

Did you hear about the cat that got cast in Richard III?

Meow is the winter of his discontent.

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My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

What car would Richard Feynman drive?

Infiniti

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

Albert Einstein, Erwin Schroedinger, and Richard Feynman walk into a bar.

Richard Feynman says: “It seems we are inside a joke”.

Albert Einstein says: “We are only inside a joke relative to the Reddit users, Dr. Feynman”.

Scrhoedinger says: “If someone’s gonna look through that window I’m outta here!”

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Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.

He was a real dick head

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What happens when Jeff Bezo's Rocket and Richard Branson's Rocket collide?

Branson's rocket is no longer a Virgin...

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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

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I knew a guy named Peter Richard Johnson

Everyone called him triple dick

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

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The Richard Fight

Just like the Josh Fight, if there was one for the Richards, the person who won would be crowned the ultimate dick

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

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Richard isn't very happy

His family are nuts and his neighbours an asshole

Richard dove into Mariana's Trench

And joined the mile low club

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My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know.

That was a Dick move.

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Richard asks Susan to stop letting people know they're married.

To which she responds, "I doesn't bother me if people know I have a Dick."

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At the end of the day, Richard is a nice person…

It’s just that the mornings and afternoons bring out the Dick in him.

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I used to work at a place that only hired people called Richard.

The owner was a real Dick.

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

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Never hang out with someone named richard

He's usually a dick

What does Richard Curtis have in common with a group of 30 people?

They make up Four Weddings and a Funeral

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

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Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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I don’t trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they’re all kind of dicks.

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quick story.. of a joke

I (Richard)was out visiting a friend from the Military, we had been very close and out for a long time, but still very close friends. While I was at his house with him and his wife, she said the following. " Some people and I were talking about nicknames and that some of them don't really make sens...

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

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What do you call a group of guys named Richard?

An embarrassment of Riches.


If you thought it was "a bunch of Dicks" get your mind out of the gutter!

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

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I have a large horny donkey named Richard

He's a huge fucking dickass

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

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Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

I was confused how people get "Dick" out of "Richard"

Turns out you just give it a healthy pull

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

Did you hear the joke about Keith Richards?

It's an old one that will never die.

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

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To anyone named Richard

Technically anything you do is a Dick move

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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

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Richard was my superior when I was in the army...

He was a major dick

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My parents wanted me to have masculine name like Richard...

But I prefer Dick

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

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