What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

Richard dove into Mariana's Trench

And joined the mile low club

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.

He was a real dick head

Did you hear Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were attacked by a giant magpie?

Witnesses say one bird was trying to kill two Stones

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[NSFW] [Easter] How do you say “Robert and Richard had intercourse with the rabbit” without any Rs?

Bob and Dick fucked the bunny

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

What does Richard Curtis have in common with a group of 30 people?

They make up Four Weddings and a Funeral

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Richard isn't very happy

His family are nuts and his neighbours an asshole

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

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If you take a picture of a man named Richard...

Is it a Dick pic?

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Richard asks Susan to stop letting people know they're married.

To which she responds, "I doesn't bother me if people know I have a Dick."

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If dick is short for Richard...

I should call Richard's wife

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I have a large horny donkey named Richard

He's a huge fucking dickass

There was once a man by the name of Austin Richard Post

He thoroughly enjoyed writing music, but could never quite find people who would want to make music with him; this often left him secluded in his life. Disappointed by his lack of fame and a band, he talked to a local bartender, surrounded by drinks, about his situation.

"I just don't unders...

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard, when they accidentally sent the ball to the neighbors yard. Tim went there to fetch it, but after a while, he came running with eyes closed tightly.

John: Hey, what happened?

Tim: Mrs. Richards is sunbathing there, naked.

John: Yah,...

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Never hang out with someone named richard

He's usually a dick

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My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know.

That was a Dick move.

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?

One got burned for Pepsi, the other got burned for coke."

Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

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Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Three mothers

Are with their children at a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second ...

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

Kid: Hey dad why is my sister’s name rose?

Dad: Because your mother loves roses.
Kid: Oh, ok thanks dad!
Dad: No problem Richard.

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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I don’t trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they’re all kind of dicks.

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What do you call a group of guys named Richard?

An embarrassment of Riches.


If you thought it was "a bunch of Dicks" get your mind out of the gutter!

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

God boomed, "Adam, this is Eve!! You are to love her forever!" Adam replied, "Okay, but who is he?" God shrugged and muttered...

"Oh, that's Keith Richards. He was here when I got here."

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

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Tiny Dick is dead.

*Little Richard

Damn autocorrect.

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

I was confused how people get "Dick" out of "Richard"

Turns out you just give it a healthy pull

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.



*I'll show myself out...*

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

Richard Nixon's favorite vegetable

Arooooogula

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

An ok joke

Francis had memory loss. He was chatting with his friend, Richard, in his nursery home. Richard asks him “ Hey, how is that new memory clinic working out for you?”

“It’s going great!” Francis said. “I can remember everything.”

So then Richard asks him “ What’s the name of the clinic?”<...

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

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I've known a lot of Richards in my life...

They were all dicks

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

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To anyone named Richard

Technically anything you do is a Dick move

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

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Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

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Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life.

I translated this joke from my native Serbian language, spelling might not be perfect. Ok.

Richard Gere starts searching for meaning of life. He learn that there is in Texas one very smart guy, and that he can help him, he goes there and ask him "Can you tell me what is meaning of life?".
...

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

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Two neighbors are used to fish together

Two neighbors are used to fish together, but John didn't get a single fish while Richard got lots of them. So John was curious about it. Then Richard said: "Well, I have a superstition. You can try also. When your wife is cooking, just stay behind her, hold her tight and touch her boobs. It's what I...

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

Do the right thing, reduce your carbon footprint...

Think of the world we'll be leaving behind for Willie Nelson and Keith Richards.

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

Have you heard of Richard Potato?

He's a dictator.

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.

Keith Richards recently went to the doctor

They were surprised to have found traces of blood in his heroin stream.

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

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Richard was my superior when I was in the army...

He was a major dick

How to become a millionaire?

Be a billionaire and launch a new airline.

(Richard Branson)

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

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My parents wanted me to have masculine name like Richard...

But I prefer Dick

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A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads "J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer"

Paddywack says, "This is quite an amount you're asking for Mr..."

"Richards," the frog says, "My dad, Keith, said you'd be able to help me."

"Um...yes. Do you have any collateral?...

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