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It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

Dick is short for Richard

But that's probably just genetics

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

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So I used to know this guy named Richard..

Everyone always called him a Dick, but I thought he was pretty nice.

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What happens when Jeff Bezo's Rocket and Richard Branson's Rocket collide?

Branson's rocket is no longer a Virgin...

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At the end of the day, Richard is a nice person…

It’s just that the mornings and afternoons bring out the Dick in him.

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What do you get when Little Richard calls you up to tell you he's picked up Carmen Miranda, Freddy Mercury, Peter Allen, Divine, Sylvester, Chris Crocker, Elton John, Gil Chesterton, Andy Dick, Wayne Newton, Liberace, and Richard Simmons...and they're on their way?

Tutti Frutti en route-y!

(Wooooooooo!)

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

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How do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask nicely

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

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The Richard Fight

Just like the Josh Fight, if there was one for the Richards, the person who won would be crowned the ultimate dick

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

"dad, why is my sister's name Rose?"

"Because your mother likes roses"

"oh, thanks dad"

"no problem, Richard"

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

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If you take a picture of a man named Richard...

Is it a Dick pic?

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house

They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out.

Finally, he got rid of his Adickson

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I used to work at a place that only hired people called Richard.

The owner was a real Dick.

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Had a neighbor named Richard Noggin.

He was a real dick head

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(NSFW) A guy named Richard opens up a wooden coffin shop

He calls it Dick’s Mourning Wood

What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

What has 100 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

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What do you call the dick your girl had before you?

Richard Prior

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Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying "motherfucker". Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying "motherfucker".

Oedipus: You guys are all talk.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

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Richard isn't very happy

His family are nuts and his neighbours an asshole

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My friend Richard just packed all of his belongings and left the country without letting me know.

That was a Dick move.

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Richard asks Susan to stop letting people know they're married.

To which she responds, "I doesn't bother me if people know I have a Dick."

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

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[NSFW] [Easter] How do you say “Robert and Richard had intercourse with the rabbit” without any Rs?

Bob and Dick fucked the bunny

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

What does Richard Curtis have in common with a group of 30 people?

They make up Four Weddings and a Funeral

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If you think you had an embarrassing childhood, my Father's name was Richard.

Half of my family photos contained Dick picks.

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Never hang out with someone named richard

He's usually a dick

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Hi, my name is Richard...

..but I go by Penis.

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Did you hear about that guy, Richard, who went to Africa?

He was a real Dick in Djibouti.

Dick is short for Richard

And he doesn’t like that I’m sharing this information

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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What do you call a group of guys named Richard?

An embarrassment of Riches.


If you thought it was "a bunch of Dicks" get your mind out of the gutter!

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

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Richard's new job

Richard just got a new job on a small shipping vessel. He shows up for his first day and the first mate puts him to work loading crates onto the ship. He finishes a few hours later and they get underway. Richard is put to work and is kept busy all day. After dinner, he approaches the first mate and ...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?

One got burned for Pepsi, the other got burned for coke."

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I don’t trust anyone named Richard.

If you ask me, they’re all kind of dicks.

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

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Two Blonde Girls chatting.

Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert


& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?


Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....

Keith Richards arrested in London on molestation charge.

Apparently someone saw him fingering A minor.

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My son youngest grade son recently learned "Dick" is a nickname for someone named Richard...

... and was super excited about while telling the family at dinner.

Our teenage daughter casually implores, *"How do you get Dick from Richard?"*



Suffice it say, my wife wasn't too impressed when I responded, *"You ask him nicely."*

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

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Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things.

Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense. I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"

Edna: "If you ask him nicely."

Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards walk into a bar.

The bartender, local drug dealer, and in house pimp all get measured for a new suit

My friend Richard always says, "you are what you eat"

His nickname checks out.

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

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My mate Richard is 7 foot 1 inches.

He's a massive dick.

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Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

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Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

I will stop showering and then change my name into Richard.

That way I will become filthy rich.

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I've known a lot of Richards in my life...

They were all dicks

Richard ‘Old Man’ Harrison just passed away

Mortician: it’s going to cost you $10,000 to put him in a casket.

Rick: best I can do is $100 cause it’s just going to sit there and collect dust.

I'm sick of telling my parents that my name is Richard.

It's Richard with "ch", not a "t"

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

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To anyone named Richard

Technically anything you do is a Dick move

Richard Feynman had a threesome

double slit experiment

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What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face?

*"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*

Richard Spencer is the Kim Kardashian of the alt-right...

I have no idea why he's famous and I only know his name because some dude pounded him on video.

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

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