UPJOKE
robertnew testamentold testamentjacobcharlesfrancissamuelthomasedwardphilipreverendrichardpaularthurvincent

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

You know why Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for that census?

Because he never entered her as his wife.

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

Why is Joseph jealous of Jesus ?

Because Jesus is getting a second coming while he didn't even get a first one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Joseph is having sex with Mary

They're going at it pretty good and Mary starts moaning "Oh God, oh God."

All of a sudden Joseph stops and says "come on Mary, can't we have sex one time without you bringing up your ex?"

Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Why couldn’t Joseph and Mary get a hotel room in Bethlehem?

Hotels are always busy around Christmas

Joseph Stalin is being chauffeured to a meeting when he is struck by a sudden urge.

He taps on the glass partition to get the attention of his driver.

"Driver, I should like to take the wheel for some time. I have not driven in a long while."

"Sure, boss!" says the driver, and they switch places.



Well, Stalin is a devil behind the wheel. He gets to 6...

Joseph and Mary tried to throw out one of Jesus' diapers

But there was no room in the bin

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Jesus’s name was going to be Frank

Then Joseph stubbed his toe and the rest is history

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

Joseph and jack were hanging out at night

Jack : "so joseph , do you know what's closer, the moon or Mexico?"

Joseph: "of course, its the moon"

Jack: "Wait what"

Joseph: "Can you see mexico from here ,smartass"

Why couldn't Joseph Stalin be a pilot?

Because he was always stalin.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Joseph leave Mary?

Because she kept saying “oh my god” during sex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's easy to see how you get Joe from Joseph, and Tim from Timothy, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Simple, ask him nicely.

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

I've been writing a book about Joseph Fritzl...

I think it's gonna be a big cellar.

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with Joseph Stalin once it was quite exciting. When I said: "Im coming" He said: "No"

"WE are coming"

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

What did God say to Joseph when he knocked up Mary?

Divine intervention baby!

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger…

What was the last thing that went through Joseph Stalin’s mind before he died?

A blood clot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

Joseph Stalin was giving a speech in front of his comrades

And then one person in the audience sneezes. "WHO SNEEZED?!" Stalin yelled. No one answered. So he gave an order for the whole first row to be shot."WHO SNEEZED?!" Again, no one answered, so the second row was ordered to be shot. Then the third row, the fourth row, and the fifth row were all shot, u...

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

JOSEPH: what a night!

MARY: truly magical, and the baby's perfect.

JOSEPH: mhm.

MARY:


JOSEPH: is... is it me though or was that kid with the drums—

MARY: so SUPER fucking weird right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, ta...

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

JOSEPH: So... How was he?

**MARY:** I told you it wasn't like that.

**JOSEPH:** Then how WAS it??

**MARY:** Immaculate!

**JOSEPH:** Wow, you could just lie and say he had an average sized dick.

Mary and Joseph are trying to find a name for their son

Joseph paces back and forth inside the manger, and hit his head because of the low roof.

"Jesus Christ!"

and Mary: "Ehy, I like that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you having intercourse with Joseph King?

Cause you gotta be fuckin Joe King!

I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at

Usually Christmas gets places really busy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Why couldn't people find Joseph?

He was Haydn!

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'

...

The disappearance of Joseph Haydn

Dissatisfied with the Christianity of Europe in 1800's, the composer Franz Joseph Haydn turned his eye to the religions of the east, and after much soul searching, he converted to Sikhism late in his life.

It would be the last thing he did.

Official reports say that after his conversi...

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon

That they made him a prophet.

Crossword

Joseph is doing a crossword at the table while his son is having breakfast.

Joseph: What is a five letter word for 'wine'?

Son: Water.

Joseph: Very funny Jesus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...

God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper t...

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

JOSEPH FRITZL: Why don't you write a book about basements you can't escape from?

It's bound to be a best cellar.

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?

HOLY SHIT!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

Who is Joseph Kony's favorite rapper?

Soulja Boy

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The trip to Bethlehem was actually harder on Joseph than Mary...

... Because she was riding his ass the whole trip.

Little Johnny and father Joseph

ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young...

Joseph and Mary are having a romp in the hay.

Mary says, "what if I get pregnant, what will I tell them?" Joseph replies, "you will think of something."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Joseph comes home to Mary with a worried look on her face

Joseph asks Mary, "What is wrong?"

Mary responds, "I know this may be hard to believe, but last night an angel came to me and I am pregnant with the son of God!"

"Holy fuck!" says Joseph.

"Pretty much how it happened," says Mary.

Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen?

Because they produced such a great prophet.

My name is Joseph King.

Nah, just JoeKing.

Christmas Eve

It was December 24, Joseph and Mary had been travelling all day, in the evening they arrived at the town of Bethlehem. They stopped at the first inn, and Joseph went inside to get a room for the night. The innkeeper told him they were all full. So they went to the next inn down the road. It was ...

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

Stalin gets mad and asks, "Who sneezed?".

Stalin asks once again, "Who sneezed?"

When nobody comes forward, Stalin says "Very well. First row, stand up!". The first row in the cro...

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man go to a church

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are walking down the street. The Irish man lights a cigarette, and just as he lights it the English man says "look there's a nice church over there, lets go in and see it". The Irish man annoyed says "fine lets go", puts out his cigarette and puts it i...

The three wise men walk into a barn...

...and see Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Joseph asks why they are disturbing them as his wife had just given birth and needed rest. The first wise man said "I have brought gold for the child."

Joseph thanked him but ask that they leave. Then the second wise man said "I have brought frankincen...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.