It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

Young Jesus comes running into Saint Joseph’s carpenter shop...

“Daddy, did you call me?”

“Ah no, son, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”

Joseph Goebbels once said, False information told once is a lie...

False information told a million times becomes the truth.

That seems to very much reflect the state of the world at the moment.

Or so they keep telling me.

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lbs 2oz?

They had a weigh in a manger.

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

Saint Joseph said “Jesus, close the door behind you. Were you born in a barn?”

“Whatever! You’re not my real dad!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Joseph say when changing Jesus’s first diaper?

HOLY SHIT!

Joseph and the wedding

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl

Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!" ...

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at

Usually Christmas gets places really busy

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'

...

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Her: Come over, Joseph!

Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag

Her: My parents aren't at home

Stalin: I know

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The trip to Bethlehem was actually harder on Joseph than Mary...

... Because she was riding his ass the whole trip.

The disappearance of Joseph Haydn

Dissatisfied with the Christianity of Europe in 1800's, the composer Franz Joseph Haydn turned his eye to the religions of the east, and after much soul searching, he converted to Sikhism late in his life.

It would be the last thing he did.

Official reports say that after his conversi...

A man named Joseph invented a new instrument. He played it for his local church...

The pastor didn't like the sound of his instrument. The piano player said it sounded like the Devil himself speaking lies. There was a special meeting, and after only five minutes of discussion, they decided that not only did they disapprove of the instrument, but they also disapproved of Joseph. So...

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

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Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"

Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are ...

Why couldn't people find Joseph?

He was Haydn!

The three wise men walk into a barn...

...and see Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Joseph asks why they are disturbing them as his wife had just given birth and needed rest. The first wise man said "I have brought gold for the child."

Joseph thanked him but ask that they leave. Then the second wise man said "I have brought frankincen...

Joseph confronts Mary...

Joseph: "Mary, I've heard you've been prostituting your body through the town!"
Mary: "Don't worry, Joseph. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

Joseph Smith sold so many copies of the Book of Mormon

That they made him a prophet.

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

Stalin gets mad and asks, "Who sneezed?".

Stalin asks once again, "Who sneezed?"

When nobody comes forward, Stalin says "Very well. First row, stand up!". The first row in the cro...

Why did Mary and Joseph's WIFI get hacked?

Because Jesus WEPt.

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

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If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

Little Johnny and father Joseph

ittle Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young...

Who is Joseph Kony's favorite rapper?

Soulja Boy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Joseph comes home to Mary with a worried look on her face

Joseph asks Mary, "What is wrong?"

Mary responds, "I know this may be hard to believe, but last night an angel came to me and I am pregnant with the son of God!"

"Holy fuck!" says Joseph.

"Pretty much how it happened," says Mary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joseph the bar builder

A man is sitting at a bar, when he notices an older man in the corner staring at him. The older man speaks.

Older man: Do ya see that bar son?

Younger man: Uh... Yes I see it.

Older Man: I built that bar with me own hands. I cut the lumber, I nailed the nails, I polished the p...

Why were Mary and Joseph considered such good businessmen?

Because they produced such a great prophet.

A Jewish woman turns to her husband and asks,

# "Joseph, what is my love worth to you?"

# Joseph thinks for a while and replies," Am I buying or selling?"

My name is Joseph King.

Nah, just JoeKing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Men tragically died in a car crash

When they go to heaven they appear in front of Father Joseph who then says

“None of you were meant to die.. and because I cannot send you back to earth as your families have already mourned.. you may choose what you would like to become before you are sent back.”

The first man went to...

Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

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The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

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During the Second World War ...

During the Second World War ...


In an attempt to show that the Nazis were not so bad, the German generals who took over the concentration camps decided to create a position where one of the Jewish prisoners would be named spokesman of all the prisoners and once a month would have oppor...

A father decides to get his son karate lessons

They look around the dojo during practice hours and observe other students, with belts of various bright colours, sparing with eachother but notice a boy with only legs far away from other students training with a dummy on his own.

The father walks up to the karate teacher and asks him "How ...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-d...

Stalin visits a farm

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....

Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!

Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist...

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

A...

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A high school decides to put on a reunion for the class of '98. Turnout is slow at first, but eventually the well known former students start to show up. There's student body president Leslie Pindogs and her kids, star quarterback Robert Course and his wife Molly, valedictorian Sandra Kevver and her...

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Manchester United

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the dr...

The blob.

A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob. 

"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist. 

"What flea...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.

One says to the other “where you from?”

“Glanmire - outside Cork” replies the second

“Amazing so am i!” the first exclaims “what school did you go too?”

“St Josephs” he replies

“St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!!” shouts the first

The second asks “what year d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mary: what should we call our baby?

Joseph: *stubs toe* jesus fucking christ!

Mary: OK well the fucking is a little vulgar but I don't mind the rest of it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It co...

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House for rent

A man puts an ad in the newspaper: "House for rent: christians only"

Next day, someone came. The bad looking owner shows at the door and grumble:

What do you want?

Well, I saw the ad, I want to rent this house.

Ugh, fine, fine, and what is your name?

David Rosenber...

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

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Three men die and go to heaven

These three men namely Steve, Joseph and Dave hadn't ever touched alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. After they reach heaven God says,"Since you three have never done anything wrong in your life , you are free to choose whatever you want to do for the next 50 years, but once you enter the room you choose...

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So, Jesus turned 18,

and Joseph went to Maria and told her that he knows what the bible said etc. etc. but he wanted his son to be with a woman at least 1 time in his life. Maria was furious and told Joseph to fuck off.
So Joseph and Jesus visited a local whorehouse in Jerusalem and Joseph chose a woman for Jesus and...

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Sunday School

A girl named Emily is sitting in Sunday school, but she just can not stay awake. She falls asleep and the class continues. The teacher asks the class

"who died on the cross?"

A boy behind Emily sees that she is sleeping and pokes her in the back with a pencil. She yelps out

"JE...

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Computer trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
...

Holy baptism

John, an alcoholic, went to the church to find a solution for his drinking problems.

The priest, after a long talk, asks: Are you baptized ?

No

Well then, I'll give you the holy baptism and you'll be a new man.

The priest plunged John 3 times in the water and says:
...

Biblical Parenting Techniques

Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?

Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Norma Findlay

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator ...

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, “Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!” The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, “Well I’ll be, by chance do you come from Ir...

What's the difference in an Italian Nativity

An Italian nativity has Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, and a couple of wise guys

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o’ the mornin to ya"
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are tho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Boy & $289,000 Mortgage

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with...

A different kind of Jewish joke

A man, visibly distracted and upset, walks toward his synagogue and finds the rabbi on the front steps.
"Rabbi, rabbi, it's my son!"
"What is wrong, Joseph, what has happened to your son?"
"Well, rabbi, he just came back from his Birthright trip to Israel, and he tells me that he's now a Ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Rosenberg walks into a hotel

Mrs. Rosenberg walks into a hotel and asks the guy behind the counter to put her up for the night.

"Name?" he asks

"Mrs. Rosenberg" she replies

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't give out rooms to Jews."

"Jews? Who's the Jew here? I am Catholic" the woman yells.

"Oh r...

We read it wrong!

Father Joseph had spent the last few months holed up in the Vatican library, trying to unlock the secrets of Christianity by reading all the old scrolls / books available. Day and night he toiled away in his self-administered solitary confinement. Months passed this way, till the Pope started worryi...

So I went skiing with a man in a massive jacket...[Original Joke]

So I was going skiing last winter, and I was having a really good time. As I get on the lift to go up to the top of the mountain, a man in a massive puffy cotton jacket sits next to me. Now when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE! I'm not sure how this guy could move, nevermind ski. I start making polite...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor tells his congregation how "The Bible touches on all subjects. Even PMS," he says...

"See, right here in Luke, chapter 2 it says 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Jesus finds his father

Works best in Italian

Jesus walks along the street when he sees a sad old man sitting on a bench. He stops and asks him what his name is and why he is sad.

The old man says his name is Giuseppe (Italian for Joseph) and he has lost his son.

"How do you recognize your son?"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi turkey?

Joseph Gobbles.

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

So Jesus is walking by the pearly gates...

...when St. Peter calls him over and asks if he can take over for a bit so that he can use the bathroom. Jesus agrees, what harm could there be in it.

So after a while, an old man who looks slightly familiar to Jesus walks up to be judged.

"What's your name sir?" Jesus asked.

Th...

A student isn't paying attention in a Chemistry class.

The teacher notices this.

"JOSEPH!" She shouts.

Joseph, the student, snaps his head up, to look at the teacher.

"Have you even heard a WORD I've said?!" she yells.

Joseph nods.

"Oh REALLY?! Then, I hope you won't mind telling me and the rest of the class the 116th ...

So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet