UPJOKE
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Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

Stephen Wilhite, creator of the GIF, has died aged 74 :(

Pictures at his funeral were said to be very moving.

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

If Diana Spenser had married Stephen Rea instead of prince Charles...

She'd be Mrs. Di Rea. (She's also probably be alive.)

Stephen Wilhite, one of the lead inventors of the GIF, passed away last week at the age of 74

Jodspeed, Stephen.

Years ago I went to dinner with Stephen Seagal

Never again. He kept stealing my fries.

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Walking

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book...

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book... And every time she gets rude when I tell her we don't have it.

Finally today I lost my temper and screamed at her to take her entitled attitude and get out of the store. There was some...

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

What were Stephen Hawkins last words?

Quick, plug me in, i have only 1% lef ...

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board

I wanted to see if I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet.

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and how come he had not gone to the after life yet?"

Turns ...

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen hawking can run on batteries

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

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How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

Every time I read a Stephen King novel, I get really confused.

Too many Maine characters.

Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

2020 is like living in the Stephen King novels The Stand and The Dead Zone at the same time.

If clowns show up next, that’s IT I’m outta here!

I wanted to buy a Stephen King book the other day, but I had to buy a second one to go with it

Misery loves company.

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Stephen Hawkins dick joke

The smartest man in the world literally went onto a stage and said
I can now get erections, the doctors disabled my pop up blocker

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

Stephen Spielberg's Circumcision....

...the Directors Cut

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Why was Stephen Hawkins arrested when he was visiting Uganda?

Because he was looking for black holes.

Husband: Honey,did Stephen King make you?

Wife: why?
Husband: cause you're shining.

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

So I heard the new Iphone is gonna have that new Stephen King movie preloaded onto it.

Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.

Stephen King is like, “I know a place”

and then everyone is like, “Maine, we KNOW.”

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

I’m really enjoying one of Stephen King’s most famous movies while eating some fast food.

I guess you could say I’m lovin’ IT.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

They say Stephen Curry is the best shooter.

Legend has it that he got his wife pregnant from 30 feet away.

My friend asked me if I read any of Stephen King's books

I said I reddit

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

Why are the Philadelphia Eagles's playoff chances like Stephen Hawking?

Despite being mathematically relevant, they are still dead.

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

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