UPJOKE
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Stephen Jokes

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good thing Stephen King does not make porn movies

We will never see IT coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

Stephen Wilhite, creator of the GIF, has died aged 74 :(

Pictures at his funeral were said to be very moving.

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawkins’s last book.

It was about time.

Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Walking

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

did you hear about stephen king's book about a killer clown?

he made it.

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Please pray for my dumb friend who thinks Stephen King is a documentarian…

He’ll believe ‘It’ when he sees it.

So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

Years ago I went to dinner with Stephen Seagal

Never again. He kept stealing my fries.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

What were Stephen Hawkins last words?

Quick, plug me in, i have only 1% lef ...

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen Spielberg's Circumcision....

...the Directors Cut

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawkins dick joke

The smartest man in the world literally went onto a stage and said
I can now get erections, the doctors disabled my pop up blocker

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Stephen Wilhite, one of the lead inventors of the GIF, passed away last week at the age of 74

Jodspeed, Stephen.

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

I’ve read my first Stephen King novel

IT was a Maine event

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

I always find the plots of Stephen King novels easy to follow.

There’s always a Maine character.

Husband: Honey,did Stephen King make you?

Wife: why?
Husband: cause you're shining.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Did you hear about the Stephen King impersonator who was in that horrible car wreck?

He didn’t make IT.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

Every time I read a Stephen King novel, I get really confused.

Too many Maine characters.

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

Why was Stephen Hawkins arrested when he was visiting Uganda?

Because he was looking for black holes.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book...

I work a book store and this snobby woman comes in every day asking for the same stupid Stephen King book... And every time she gets rude when I tell her we don't have it.

Finally today I lost my temper and screamed at her to take her entitled attitude and get out of the store. There was some...

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

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