If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

2020 is like living in the Stephen King novels The Stand and The Dead Zone at the same time.

If clowns show up next, that’s IT I’m outta here!

I finally got around to reading that Stephen Hawking book!

It's about time!

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Stephen Hawking doesn't do well against bullies

What, you think he's gonna stand up for himself?

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawkins dick joke

The smartest man in the world literally went onto a stage and said
I can now get erections, the doctors disabled my pop up blocker

What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

Husband: Honey,did Stephen King make you?

Wife: why?
Husband: cause you're shining.

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

Stephen Spielberg's Circumcision....

...the Directors Cut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?

because he can't do stand-up comedy

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

Stephen King named his son Joe.

No, I’m not joking...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

Every time I read a Stephen King novel, I get really confused.

Too many Maine characters.

Stephen King is like, “I know a place”

and then everyone is like, “Maine, we KNOW.”

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't like the book "It" from Stephen King.

There were to many fucking kids in it.

Just became friends with one of Stephen King’s sons, Joe

I told a friend about it. They replied “You’re joking right?”

And I said, “No, but he is”

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

I don't know why my mom's throwing Stephen King's novels at me.

IT just hit me.

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

What was Stephen Hawkins Last Words?

Shutting down.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Did you see the preview for the new Stephen King movie?

I’m excited to see It

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

When Stephen King was born

No one knew he had It coming.

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

So I heard the new Iphone is gonna have that new Stephen King movie preloaded onto it.

Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

What if Stephen Colbert got involved in a scandal?

It would be called Colgate.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alzheimer’s or AIDS?

A man brings his wife to the doctor. At the end of the appointment, the doc tells him “we can narrow it down to one of 2 diagnoses: it’s either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”

The man responds “doc, I gotta know which it is. How do I find out?”

The doctor responds “drive her out into the woods...

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

I just realized why Joe Hill won’t take his dad (Stephen King) last name...

because everyone would think he was Joking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like most of the Stephen King's books but...

...fuck it.

If you thought Stephen Strange couldn't be Sorcerer Supreme...

...you'd be Wong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

I got a hand job from Stephen Hawkins just before he died....

... It was a stroke of genius!

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

Why can't you own just one Stephen King novel?

Because 'Misery' loves company.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

The guy that polishes my shoes doesn't enjoy Stephen King's books.

But he's always loved The Shining

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "P...

There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron


-Stephen King

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

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