If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

Stephen Spielberg's Circumcision....

...the Directors Cut

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph

Pheteven it is.

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?

because he can't do stand-up comedy

Even *Stephen* got *stoned*..

And he got to see the *Most High*

Stephen King named his son Joe.

No, I’m not joking...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

Why was Stephen Hawkins arrested when he was visiting Uganda?

Because he was looking for black holes.

Stephen King is like, “I know a place”

and then everyone is like, “Maine, we KNOW.”

Every time I read a Stephen King novel, I get really confused.

Too many Maine characters.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Stephen King's Sons

When Stephen King’s twin sons were born, he had a hard time coming up with names for them. Finally, after several hours of thinking, he managed to pull a couple out of the air.

“I’ll name the first son Joseph, after my great-grandfather.”“Fine, and what about the other one?” His wife asked....

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

Just became friends with one of Stephen King’s sons, Joe

I told a friend about it. They replied “You’re joking right?”

And I said, “No, but he is”

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

Unlike Stephen King's stories, there is nothing scary about his son

He's been Joe King ever since he was born

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

Author Joe Hill didn't want anybody to know he was Stephen King's son because he was afraid he wouldn't be taken seriously.

Otherwise, he would be Joe King.

I don't know why my mom's throwing Stephen King's novels at me.

IT just hit me.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

Stephen kings writing style is...

Novel.

They say Stephen Curry is the best shooter.

Legend has it that he got his wife pregnant from 30 feet away.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Did you see the preview for the new Stephen King movie?

I’m excited to see It

What was Stephen Hawkins Last Words?

Shutting down.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

When Stephen King was born

No one knew he had It coming.

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

I just realized why Joe Hill won’t take his dad (Stephen King) last name...

because everyone would think he was Joking.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

So I heard the new Iphone is gonna have that new Stephen King movie preloaded onto it.

Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.

What if Stephen Colbert got involved in a scandal?

It would be called Colgate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "P...

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

If you thought Stephen Strange couldn't be Sorcerer Supreme...

...you'd be Wong.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like most of the Stephen King's books but...

...fuck it.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

There's two morons sitting on a bridge, the big one falls off. The other didn't...

He was a little moron


-Stephen King

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

I got a hand job from Stephen Hawkins just before he died....

... It was a stroke of genius!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Why can't you own just one Stephen King novel?

Because 'Misery' loves company.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

I was listening to a Stephen King novel on my wife’s audiobook, and it accidentally broke.

Now I’ll never hear the end of It.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

The guy that polishes my shoes doesn't enjoy Stephen King's books.

But he's always loved The Shining

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

Stephen King didn't like my Halloween costume.

I dressed like a clown but he said I was doing it wrong

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

I watched a silent film version of Stephen Kings "it" the other day.

It was Shh-it.

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