Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

William Shakespear walks into a bar...

..the bouncer sees him and throws him out of the door.

"You can't come in here", the bouncer tells Will, "you're Bard!"

What is Serena Williams’ favorite number?

Ten is.

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

What do you call a committee made up entirely of people named William?

A Billboard.

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Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

Without a doubt, Robin Williams is great.

Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

Why was William fired as bartender?

Because William Shakesbeer!

Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally

I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.

One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a questio...

Captan Kirk & Today’s Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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You all know how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask him nicely

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores!

Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because, William Shatner.

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

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What's the difference between Serena Williams and a shady Five Guys?

One serves you tennis balls and the other serves you ten-ish balls

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

In honor of his being the first 90 year old in space, I’m going as the Star Trek Cleveland Steamer for Halloween

Just as soon as I perfect my William Shatner chest costume.

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Did you hear that William Shatner’s lingerie company went out of business?

Turns out no one wanted to buy underwear from a place called Shatner Panties

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and William Barr are in a plane crash. Who is saved?





The American People

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

Little known fact about William Tell

We all know William Tell for his archery skills, but did you know he was also an avid bowler? His whole family bowled actually, and there was even a league in his area. At the time Joining a team was a difficult , daunting task, but by some fortune he and several relatives made the same team. Unfort...

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish

Of course he was Jewish 30 years old single

living with his parents,

working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was gods gift

Give it up oh course he was Jewish

- Robin Williams obm

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Why did the founder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, get married to the tennis superstar Serena Williams?

Redditors are always looking for better servers.

Jeff Goldblum, William Shatner, and Christopher Walken walk into a bar...

*dramatic pause*

What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use?

2B, or not 2B.

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Did you know....

William Shatner and Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac recently got married? She wanted to keep her surname so she's now going by Stevie Shatner - Nicks.

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Robin Williams, circa 1980

First cannibal complains, "I hate my mother-in-Law."

Second cannibal replies, "Ehh. Just eat the noodles."

A Star Trek fan meets William Shatner.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm meeting you at Comic Corn."

"Actually, it's called Comic Con"

"Com?"

"Con."

"Cold?"

"Com!

"Cookie?"

"CONNNNNNNN!"

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

Why did they execute William Wallace?

They couldn't let him go Scot free.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

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William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

William Buckfield once said,

"Change cannot be given to you every time. You must bring the change"

 

Oh, BTW William Buckfield is our grocery store cashier.

I like my coffee like Serena Williams:

Black & bitter.

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What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

Did you hear the joke William Barr told Congress?

It was really funny. He said >![This section of the joke has been removed to protect the reputation of third party individuals.]!< It was really one of the better jokes he had told.

I walked into the book store and asked the guy, “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”

Bookseller: Of course. Which one?

Me: William.

A farmer has a wife who loves to correct him.

One day, he asks her if he can invite his friend Billy over for dinner. "Don't say Billy," she chastises, "say William."

After they eat dinner, he asks William if he can tell him a tale. "Don't say tale," the wife says, "say anecdote."

When the farmer is about to go to bed, he realizes...

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It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.

Black people have centuries of experience serving.

And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

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Did you hear Attorney General William Barr is secretly gay?

A Barr walks into a guy...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

William Hated His Time in the Army

He was always worried for his life when they yelled “Fire at Will!”

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Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

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William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

Lord Williams turns to his butler

Lord Williams turns to his butler: "Jones, please prepare my black suit and binoculars. I'm going to a funeral."

"But why do you need binoculars?" Asks Jones

"My distant relative has died." Says Lord Williams

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A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

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Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

A village idiot walks into a library

He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."

The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"

The idiot says, "William".

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

Why does the starship enterprise smell bad?

Coz William Shat-n-er

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born?

He must have been a fast writer!

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend...

We're the Suicide Squad!

How does Robin Williams go thrift shopping?

Good Will Hunting

A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...

Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he’s passed.
Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.

Adap...

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Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.


Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

Why isn't there ever anyone named William working at a querry?

It takes more than Will-power to move a boulder

Prince Harry goes up to William at the wedding and says “Have you seen Dad”?

William replies “He wasn’t invited mate, but mines over there dancing with Camilla”.

Why did Lieutenant Uhura vomit?

Because William Shatner

Psychiatry class

Professor: "Today we'll learn about the stages of calm, irritability and fury." Then the Professor grabs the phone and dials a number:

- Hello, may I speak with William, please?

- There is no William here, you got the wrong number.

"This was the stage of calm", explains the prof...

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Two Blonde Girls chatting.

Blonde 1: I understand how you get Bob from Robert


& Bill from William, but how do you get Dick from Richard?


Blonde 2: Show him your Pussy.....

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Jessy and Tom invite their best friend William for dinner

Tom goes to the toilet and Jessy is left alone for a moment with William. She grabs his balls and whispers in his ear: "I'm making some extra money by selling topsex, $100 for an hour, I'm worth it. Come to me tomorrow at 3pm, don't tell Tom anything.".

Next day, William shows up at 3 o'clock...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

One day, farmer Williams was in town

picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home?

The livestock dealer said: "Why d...

Prince William and the Archbishop of Canterbury are playing checkers...

William makes his move, when over the radio they hear that the Queen has died. The Archbishop says to William "I'm so sorry for your loss." to which William says "King me."

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It must be very confusing to have sex with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it.

No, don't, stop.

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

On the anniversary of William Shakespeare's death . . .

I leave to you my second best joke.

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Is it too soon for a Robin Williams Joke?

It's been a few weeks, so I think the waters are safe for this joke I told my cousin:


David Carradine and Robin Williams are in heaven, Carradine looks at Williams and says, "what do you mean you weren't jerking off?"

I always clap along to Pharrell Williams' song "Happy"

Because just like a room without a roof, I feel utterly and completely useless

If Katt Williams had a nickel for every time he's been arrested...

He'd put them in a sock and beat someone with it.

Last night I watched Dunkirk on Netflix

I was really disappointed when I found out it wasn't a William Shatner biopic.

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

Robin Williams joke from Bicentennial Man

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

Yoda has a brother called Will...

But he keeps introducing himself as William, and nobody knows why.

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