John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy wor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is having a bad day.

He went to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the door knob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

"Knock knock"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"John"

"John who?"

John began to sob softly to himself, as his mother's Alzheimer's had gotten worse.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

I couldn't find a seat for the new Elton John film

I'm still standing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunken guy ( call him John) arrives home late at night

He finds his wife asleep in bed. He changes his clothes and lies in bed next to his wife and falls asleep almost instantly.
He wakes up after a while to see his bed is surrounded by clouds, his wife isn't next to him and there's a guy looking down on him.
"Who are you and what is this place?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

What do John Wilkes Booth and Taylor Swift have in common?

they both know how to get a crowd going

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently wi...

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

Whats the difference between Humans and Bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

John and his buddy Dave are watching the game while their wives are chatting in the kitchen.

During a commercial break John mentions that he and his wife went to very nice restaurant the other day.

"That's nice, what was it called?" asks Dave

"I can't remember... What's the name of that flower?" says John

"Violet" Dave guesses

"no, the red one" says John

"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave and John

\*Dave and John were walking in the forest when John was bitten by a snake at his penis.\*

​

John (in extreme pain): Hurry up Dave. Call the doctor!

​

\*Dave calls the doctor..\*


Dave: Hello doc, we have an emergency, my friend John was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

I came up with a joke about Elton John

It's a little bit funny

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

Say what you want about John Snow...

But he really knows how to up his ante

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After ...

John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[LONG] Mike, Dave and John find a magic lamp in morroco

They buy it and take it to their hotel.

Mike rubs it just for fun, and to their surprise, a genius comes out.

"I will grant each one of you 3 wishes, choose wisely", the genius says.

Mike goes first: "I want to be the smartest man on the planet"

"Done", says the genius...

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John wanted a Porsche.

John wanted to own a Porsche since his early childhood. When he grew up he wasn't financially blessed to own a Porsche. But he didn't care, he thought to himself that he would do anything possible to own that damn car, ANYTHING!
He started selling his things, each and everything in his possessi...

Just a John Cena joke

John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

World-wide known John

One day, one big company's boss decided to visit his employees. There was one man who was greeted cheerfully by everyone. Like really everyone. His name was John. Boss stopped him for a while and asked him a question 'John, how is it possible that our accountant, manager, supplier and even our new c...

John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John McClane was found dead with a boner.

I never guessed he would die hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John the skeleton was fired for sexual harassment

Employees of the firm filed complaints about his perpetual boner

Before John was a traveling salesmen

Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..

It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he...

Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom should’ve named me john..

Cause I ain’t Cena bitch worth my time

Why doesn’t John want herpes?

Because he has his own peas.

One day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't n...

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "

John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vr...

After many faithful years as a Christian, John's dedication finally paid off as he found himself the girl of his dreams.

At the wedding he walks over to his best friend for advice.
"Hey man! What is it that I'm supposed to do when I get her all alone after the wedding?"
"Ah, that's simple. You just take your most prized-possession and stick it in where she pees."
"Ah! Thanks dude!"
"No problem!" ...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my single friend John that I'll always be his right-hand-man,

Now he thinks I'm gay.

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late

Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kev...

John and Sir each got a horse

Sir: John...

John: yes, Sir?

Sir: How the world will i tell them apart?

J: Well, Sir...

S: Maybe if i do this *cuts John's horse's tail*... Yes, much better!

J:... But, Sir!

S: Do not disturb me, i...

J:... But that is my horse, Sir!

S: Darn ...

John Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theatre."


Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John invited a girl over for a date...

John invited a girl over for a date. They had a nice time at the restaurant, but as they head to John's house, she doesn't seem very interested in sex.

​

As they get home, John asks, "Can we have sex?".

​

The girl says, "No. I'm saving my virginity ...

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels

Jack Daniels is still killing indians

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"


His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's ...

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

If you're American when you enter the washroom and Russian when you leave, what are you when you're on the john?

~~European!~~ President Donald Trump

And John said to the Lord, “Verily, the world will end with trumpets.”

God: No, I said Trump Pence.

John: Trumpets. Got it.

God: No... never mind.

In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.

Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is invited to meet the Pope.

John is very anxious about the meeting. He spends hours picking the right suit and making sure his hair looks just right. After what seems like an eternity, John is satisfied with his appearance.

When John arrives to meet the Pope there are about 50 other people in line ahead of him, so John ...

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?

I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

Joe and John

There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
...

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I understand how you get Will from William and John from Johnathan, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely of course.

John goes to the psychic. She warns him about this grave impending doom.

Fortunately, the psychic says, i have an easy fix. You just have to pay me $1000 and i will make this special bracelet for you, that will keep the evil at bay.

John - I don't have $1000.

Psychic - it's fine, for $500, i can give you a pendant that you can keep with you. It's not perf...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John is sitting at a bar when a drunk biker comes up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.”

So John knocks the guy out with one punch.

Next, a huge-looking man with an eye patch and a scarred face walks up to him and says, “I fucked your mom.” John knocks that guy out with one punch, too.

Finally, an old, frail-looking man goes up to John and says, “Hey, bitch! I fucked your ...

John asks Crystal to prom

Crystal says she would love to go to prom with him. So John starts to get everything.

The first thing he wants to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the local shop and notices the line to get one is extremely long. But, being the kind and loyal man he is he waits and gets his tuxedo

John also...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street.

Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie. Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.

As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.

His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said. ...

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

John was in a nightclub

John was in a nightclub, dancing and enjoying himself.

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl ...

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

Jack, John and Peter was captured by tribesmen for trespassing their teritory.....

The tribe leader ordered the three guys: "Go in the forest and pick a fruit of your choice with ten pieces of it and then return here immediately"

after a couple of minutes Jack returned carrying 10 apples

Tribe leader: "here's what we will do... we will shove that 10 apples to your as...

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

TIL The record for most pushups while holding the office of President is John Quincy Adams with 1,023.

George W. Bush did 911

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is sitting in a bar

The bartender sees that he’s upset and asks what’s wrong.

The man replies, “you see that wall over there, it took me 4 years to build that wall but no one calls me John the wall builder.

“You see that boat in the harbor? It took me 6 years to build that boat, but no one calls me John t...

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