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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

John Cena wakes up at a hospital

John Cena: Where am I

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can’t

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit

It’s a little fit bunny

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why?

Because John was living under The Rock.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth - and won a toaster.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

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John Travolta tested negative for Coronavirus last night.

Turns out is was just a Saturday Night Fever.

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

My friends and I were playing a game, where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that has died.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

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John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

Did you hear that Keith Moon, Peter Townshend, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle

Broke into a puppy mill and stole confiscated all the animals?

The Who let the dogs out.

Did you hear Elton John hates lettuce?

He’s more of a rocket man

An wealthy English woman had a butler named John.

One day when her husband was away on vacation, she asked John to follow her into her bedroom.

Then she said, “John, take off my blouse”.

Then: “John, take off my skirt”.

Then: “John, take off my bra”.

Then: “John, take off my underwear”.

Then she sighed and said, “...

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "John." "John who?" John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

I decided to call my bathroom Jim instead of John

So I feel better by saying "I went to the Jim this morning"

John told his wife, "I've got a problem."

She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John’', tell me. What's wrong?" J...

John and Jack were talking in a bar...

John said: “you know Jack, I’ll miss you when you are gone. You‘ll be buried, grass will grow over you, a cow will eat it and will do its business on the road. I’ll look to it and think “poor Jack, changed so much”.

Jack than replied: “dear John, I’ll also miss you when you are gone. You‘ll ...

Is John cena is the spokesperson for Honda?

He has a great voice but I can’t see him.

Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married?

Bad dates.

John Lennon walks into his wife:

Oh no!

Little John is walking at the mall with his grandma.

He sees a coin of 1 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the ground is dirty.

They walk further and he sees a note of 5 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the gro...

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

Why did the john haggle with the hooker?

He just wanted to get the most bang for his buck.

I'm sorry. That's fifteen seconds you'll never get back.

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When a John asks a prostitute what he can get for $50...

He is asking a trick question.

I ordered a couple Elton John albums off of Amazon three months ago. They still haven't shipped.

And I think it's going to be a long, long time

Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously?

Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

John Cena's full name is "John Felix Anthony Cena Jr."

Didn't see that one coming.

Whats the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack daniels is still killing Indians.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

John was the best liver surgeon in his hospital.

I guess you could say he always de-livered.

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

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Elton John did so much LSD at a party one night, he tried to have sex with a woman...

Dude was straight trippin'

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had money between them.

Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did ex...

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One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

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I was having sex with John Mclane and he just... Passed away!

I guess it was a good day to die hard.

Allegedly John Adams

In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress

John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match

3 hours later he wakes up in a hospital

John: (slowly) Where am I?

Nurse: I. C. U

John: No you can't!!

Teacher: "Class, I am going to test you on tenses today." She point to John and says "John, if I say 'I am beautiful', what tense is it?"

John stands up, gives the teacher a perplexed look and after thinking nice and hard says "Well, it obviously is past tense."

Light bulb

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!”

Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Pa...

My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John.

I missed the Mark.

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

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A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

John Woo walks into a bar

He orders a shot of Tequila

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

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John was at his best friend's party

The next day, when he wakes up at home, he is noticeably shocked. So his wife asks: "Honey, what on earth happenend yesterday that you are so silent?"
The husband answers: "Yesterday at Tony's Party, right? They had a goddamn golden toilet. can you imagine that?" His wife can't really believe th...

John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore.

Such pear pressure

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

My friend John was recently disemvoweled...

He is now known as Jhn.

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

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An Indian walks into a grocery store...

He's approached by a store associate who asks him "can I have a moment of your time?" The man agrees and the associate explains to him that they are asking customers to try out a new brand of toilet paper and to come up with names to call it based on their experience. So he convinces the man to try ...

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

A man walks into John's stable

The man asks, "I'm looking for a fast horse." John, without missing a beat, walks over to one of the horses and says, "this here horse's name is ol' Betsy, she was trained by an interesting feller." The man asks to explain. "Well, to get her to stop, you need to say hey hey! To get her to go, you ne...

Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright?

You can tell everybody this is your song.

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

Once John was feeling happy.

Happy then slapped him.

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard...

Little John and Tim were playing in the yard, when they accidentally sent the ball to the neighbors yard. Tim went there to fetch it, but after a while, he came running with eyes closed tightly.

John: Hey, what happened?

Tim: Mrs. Richards is sunbathing there, naked.

John: Yah,...

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Saturday morning I got up early, [long]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

Ole John

John was a religious boy who he prayed all night that he be accepted into heaven, the very next day he had a vision where Jesus told him “come fourth and you will receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a flip phone

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

Drax, John Cena, and a ghost are standing in a bar.

Oh, sorry. Correction: , , and a are standing in a bar.

John the fisherman

A fisherman walks into a bank to apply for a loan.

The banker sits him down and goes: "So, what was your net gain for the previous year?"

The fisherman thinks for a bit and says: "An assortment of tuna fish"

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Have you tried John Wayne toilet paper?

Well don’t.

It’s rough, tough,and don’t take shit off of anybody!

Little John and his mother were attending church

Suddenly in the middle of mass, John clenched his tummy and looks distressed

Concerned his mother asks him, " What's wrong, son?"

John replies," My tummy really hurts, I think I am going to throw up"

Since the mass was still underway, she turns to him and says , " Ok, You know w...

Remember in 2015 when John Cena was a big meme?

Now it's practically invisible.

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

John came to school with a scar on his forehead

Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

Math problem: If John is 82 and his girlfriend is 23

How much money does John have?

Little John gets home from school.

His mother, Stacy, asked him If he had any home work.

He let Stacy know that he did in fact have some but that he would really enjoy it tonight and even finish it before dinner!

For dinner Stacy made a wonderful Chicken Cordon Blu which was her Husband, Kyle's, favorite meal.
...

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What did John say when he attended the paraplegic women's awareness dance?

"Yo this dance floor is crawling with pussy"

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Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.

When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.

Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!

Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?

Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom...

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams like to play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores.

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?

- I’m going to pee outside. Be right back!

Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:

- John! It’s raining?

- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

A conversation about how to become a rich

John - My friend just finished writing a book " How to get money" and now he needs money to publish it.

Smith : Tell him to read the book

What do you call the father of John Wick?

John Candle

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

John Cena

Guys, I think I figured out how to post something without a title

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..

A classic in honor of my cake day!


John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written...

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

John is drinking a cup of coffee.

Man: Why are you drinking so much coffee John?

John: do you know why my grandfather lived to his late nineties.

Man: mm, cuz he used to drink lots of coffee.

John: no, cuz he used to mind his own damn business.

John's wife won't let him go fishing with his buddies

They have all went together on a fishing/camping trip the past four years together. But this year she wouldn't let him. The guys were very disappointed

Two days later the other guys made it to the campsite and noticed John was sitting by a fire with a cold beer. The tent was already set and s...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

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Sex Tower

John, Mac and Randy decided to join a sex competition.

"All you have to do", Said the Commentator sitting at the top of a 10 story building, "is have sex with all the girls in each floor whoever gets to the biggest number, wins the prize . "

John, the skinniest of all, decides to go...

John is going up a hill with a wheelbarrow, swearing at everything.

A priest comes up, and says "God is everywhere son. Don't swear."

John says "Is he in the grass?"

Priest says "Yes."

John: "Is he in the wheelbarrow?"

Priest: "Yes."

John "Then why the f\*\*k does he not come out and help me push it up the hill?"

Why did John Phillip Sousa always get his leftovers to go?

Because he was a composter.

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[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

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John wanted to get married to the purest girl he could find. Taking his fathers advice

he proceeded to find a girl that wouldn't know what a penis was if it stood proudly before her. So he dated quite a few girls and when they got more acquainted he would pull down his pants and ask "Do you know what this is?", to which, of course, they would all reply "A penis". Until one day he met ...

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

Jackie: John, did you sleep with Marilyn Monroe?

JFK: I had to Jackie. Not because she was easy, but because I was hard

Besides eating honey... what do John the Baptist, Smokey the Bear, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They share the same middle name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

What did one john say to the other john?

What's the matter with you? You look flushed!

Donnie, Lonnie, and John

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

What did john snow go to the apple store for?

For the watch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

Little John: Mom, yesterday while you were at work dad was making out with the maid..

Mom: Wait! Let your dad come back and then tell.
Later that evening...
Mom: Johnny you were telling me something..?
John: yes mom so dad was making out with the maid but he did not make her a horse like uncle Bob made you.

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, George and Clint are riding in a car....

When the car is hit by a bus and they all die. When they wake up they are in heaven standing in front of god and god asks why the men look upset, they all share their sadness for leaving earth so soon and would do anything to be able to have one last chance back on earth. God decides he will give th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

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