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A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl...

He never slept on the train with his mouth open again...

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Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.

Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar a...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Hey Carl! Have you seen this funny meme already?

Yeah, I've already Reddit.

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

Carl had this problem of always being late for work...

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Carl went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Carl slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work....

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

Ben, Dan and Carl were sentence to death by a firing squad because of treason to the state.

Ben was the first up, the general would give the command to his soldiers to shoot. “Ready..Aim...” Then Ben suddenly shouted “EARTHQUAKE!!” All the soldiers hid for cover and Ben escaped. Dan was next. “Ready...Aim...” Then Dan Screamed “TSUNAMI!!” The soldiers hid for cover again and they lost Ben ...

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

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Amanda and Bob are walking through the village on a hot day, both very thirsty.

They both see their friend Carl walking to his house with a bucket full of water in his hands. Bob asks him "Carl, where'd you get all that water you're carrying?" to which Carl responds "Oh, I went down to the... uhh... the hole in the plaza that goes down into the earth and there's water at the bo...

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Carl calls in sick to work.

His boss says, "I know you're not sick, you lay out all the time, now get your ass to work".

Carl replies, "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in."

The boss is pissed, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him. When he arrives, he peers through the window to see i...

There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!

Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a dea...

John: Carl, why do you have a bandage on your ear?

Carl: I was ironing my shirts and my phone rang. I picked up the iron instead of the the phone and burned my ear.

John: I get that. But why do you have a bandage on the other ear?

Carl: Well, the phone rang again.

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Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach



They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks off...
...

Carl walked into the bar…

And ordered 3 beers. The Bartender asked “Are you sure you want all three now? They’ll be warm. I can give them one at a time if you’d rather?”

Carl replied, “My two brothers and I made a pact that whenever one of us drinks, we’d take two more at the same time for our siblings.”

The ba...

Carl Marx grave attacked with a hammer.

Makes me sickle

What happened to your nose?

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.

“Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.

“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.

“What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”

Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Carl drives a stick

**Andy:** Carl, why was the clutch in my car broken after i lent it to you?

**Carl:** Well don't you look at me, i didn't even touch the thing!

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What do you call it when Einstein, Carl Sagan, and Stephen Hawking masturbate?

A stroke of genius

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Carl is always really cranky in the morning...

"Carl, you should really do something about your bad mood," Says his boss, as Carl enters office with a long face once again.

"I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it, boss."

"You know how I prevent this?" Answers his boss, "I make sure to have sex with my wife every time befo...

I went to a Carl's Jr. the other day and noticed it was incredibly cold inside...

Turns out I was at Brrrrr-ger King.

What's the difference between Rick Grimes and Carl Grimes?

Rick Grimes has two I's....

According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker...

...and take things as they come.

G(old)

Carl went to Brazil leaving his little brother John to take care of his elderly mother and his beloved cat. Three months later he received a telegram: "Your cat died". Desolate, he called for details. After crying, I told John that this news is not given like this, that he should first have sent a t...

My pet was reading Carl Marx

It's a commyleon

Max and Carl were walking down the street.

Just for a moment, Carl looked into a sportscar dealership.
Max (stunned): "Did you see that woman breastfeeding while walking!?"
Carl: "Where??"
Max: "She just Pasteurize!"

A man walks up to a mailman..

He went beside him and asked him..

"Hey Carl, why do you still work as a mailman?"

The mailman turned to him.

"It's not about the money, it's about sending a message"

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch.

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. As they sweated, they noticed their supervisor leaning on a fence, enjoying his coffee. "How come he's up there and we're down here?" asked Bill.
"I dunno, go ask him!".

Bill climbed out and marched over to the supervisor. "Hows come you'...

I have a beta fish named Carl

He's a real lady killer!

What two games does Carl Sagan play at the bar?

Billiards and Billiards

You missed a great joke

Carl: how many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?

Steve: well I can eat 6.

Carl: no you can eat only 1 because after after eating one you are no longer on an empty stomach.

Steve: Great joke! I will tell my friend.

Steve: dude how many apples can you eat on an empty ...

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(NSFW) Ther Hunter

Jim and Carl are sitting up their post. Jim looks through his finder for a moment. Then he asks: "Carl, what would you do if your wife cheated on you?"
Carl: "I'd shoot her in the head."
Jim: "what would you do with her lover?"
Carl: "I'd shoot his balls off"
Jim looks at Carl: "If you h...

My cat’s favourite opera song?

O fortuna. (Oh-for-tuna)
From Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

An American, an Englishman and an Irishman Walk into a Bar..

Barman: What are you guys having?

American: I'll have a Budweiser

Englishman: I'll have a Carling

Irishman: I'll have a water, seeing as none of us are drinking...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

**ME:** That’s beautiful.

**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.

A llama went on a trip

But he wanted to bring his brother Carl

Carl was excited and said, "Don't worry about food; alpaca lunch"

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

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3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool.

Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there."

Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money.

Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate.

Carl slips off the springboard and scream...

Last night in the pub....

Last night in the pub, a woman looked at my beer belly and asked sarcastically, "Is that Carling or Stella?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath it. Try it!"

If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

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Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"



Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"



Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

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It's an old man's birthday

He's wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

"Hey, Carl! Guess how old I am today!"

Grumpy old Carl doesn't even look up. "No. Go away."

"C'mon, y...

"Boy, those people look like ants!"

A man, riddled with fear, is in the middle of his first flying lesson. With a shaky voice, weak knees and pants that once were dry he shudders to the instructor "Boy, those people look like ants!!" and the instructor reluctantly replies "That's because they are. We haven't left yet Carl."

Two friends decide to start up a business together.

The first man, Carl, had years of experience in the production of liquor, and so he wanted to start a distillery. The second man, Adam, had years of experience in marijuana cultivation but had been clean for years and would not go near recreational cannabis, and so he wanted to start up a processing...

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.

Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...

"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," s...

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Two cannibals are having conversation over dinner. One says: "I don't like your sister."

"Stop talking shit about my family and eat your salad, Carl."

Mad Mary

was speeding around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she's stopped by crazy Carl. "Let me see your license," he says.

Mary speeds away, but around the corner she runs into loony Leon. "Show me your insurance," he says.

Mary tears off one more time, but around the next corner ...

Jimmy Neutron (Split Personalities)

Jimmy Electron, Jimmy Proton and Carl Weiner

Little Johnny...

... came home from school to see the family’s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?”...

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Afterlife

Carl and larry are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Carl dies. Larry doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Carl. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s i...

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Janitor standin at the confession box

Father Paul had had a rather long day, listening to confessions from the members of his parish, and suddenly needed a break, and stepped out from the confession box and asked the janitor who was washing the floor.

"Hey Carl, could you make a standin for me, just ten min, I really need to go ...

Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other

"Hey Carl" he says "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake stops and thinks for a second "honestly, I have no idea, why?" He asks
The first snake responds in a worried voice "because I just bit my tongue"

woman at hardware store!

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.


When Carl was finished,...

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Sigmund Freud is talking to his buddy ...

... and the conversation turns to sex, as often happens. Freud says, "I'm thinking about taking out Carl's daughter."

"Carl's daughter?" says the buddy in disbelief. "Isn't she a little Jung?"

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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A teacher is teaching vocabulary...

...and asks the children to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.

Little Suzy stands up first and proudly says, "When I was little, I used to say peepee, but now I say urinate."

"Very good," says the teacher. "You are very mature. Anyone else?"

Fat Carl stands up confidently an...

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Who are you?!?

She is walking down a dark street on her way home when she hears footsteps. Believing she is being followed and not wanting to be mugged she hides behind a tree and, as the stalker passes, she jumps up and grabs him by the balls!

"WHO ARE YOU?" she shouts at the man as she twis...

A man finds a gorilla in his tree.

One morning a man wakes up and looks out his second-story window only to see a big mean looking gorilla sitting in his tree. A bit panicked, he googles “gorilla removal” and finds a local animal removal service. The removal service owner responds that he will be right over.

A half hour lat...

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A Divorce Letter (..XP)

My Dear husband: I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last we...

Two men go hunting...

Carl and Miles are strolling through thick woods on the way to their cabin, when they come up on a strange, deep hole in the ground. "That's weird, you see that?", says Carl. "Yea, I wonder how deep it is..." Miles replies. Carl grabs a small rock and tosses it down the hole. Seconds go by, and no s...

The sore throat

Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat.

Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, "Yes?"
Carl, in a very quiet, breath...

Country boys learn the ways of the world

One fine night, hot blonde Gina has her car break down on a lonely highway. Since no mechanic is in sight, and no car seems to pass by to ask for a lift, she knocks at the door of the nearest house she can find. She's greeted by an unwilling old man. She explains her situation to him, saying that sh...

Three friends were on a desert island

Three friends were on a desert island. They were Roger, a married man, Carl, a famous athlete, and Stevie, the third friend usually alone. One day, while working on their survival, they came across a brass lamp on the ground. They each took turns cleaning it, when all of the sudden a genie came o...

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Hunting in Montana

Bubba was talking to his friend Carl in Montana. He asked Carl how he liked living in such a rural area. Carl replied "Oh, it's kinda boring. All I do is hunt and fuck." Bubba says "Well, what do ya hunt?" Carl replied "Something to fuck!" (bah-dum-duh-tshh)

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