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Ross Jokes

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

What do Bob Ross' children say when they pray?

"Our father, who art in heaven..."

Did you see the news about Jonathan Ross, dressing up in a blue uniform and trying to provide antenatal care?

They say he’s having a midwife crisis.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

Diana Ross just resigned as a Member of Parliament.

Apparently it was a Chain Reaction.

You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow

What does Bob Ross call his children?

Happy little accidents

I didn't know my mom watched Bob Ross

Because she called me a happy little accident

Bob Ross was out fishing when his pole started to dip.

He reeled in the fish and the fish said, "please don't eat me, can you please throw me back?"

Bob Ross replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways!"

The fish swims away a bit and then turns back, saying "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"

Bob Ro...

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

Ross Noble on Victoria Beckham

I don't know if you’re across this, but currently the country’s going through what scientists call "the Spice Girls paradigm"
Everyone's trying really hard, but Victoria's ruining it.

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

Where does Bob Ross go shopping for clothes?

Ross.

Why is Ross from Friends always in the fountain in the intro?

Because he’s a Schwimmer

What STD do Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica all share?

The *clap clap clap clap clap.*

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What did Jonathan Ross say after filming his first porno?

That's a WAP.

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

I’m going to a friends get together dressed up as Bob Ross

I hope the night doesn’t lead to any “happy little mistakes”

Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents."

So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best ...

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How does Bob Ross masturbate?

He beats the devil out of it.

Did you hear the Bob Ross got a brazilian wax?

Got rid of that happy, little bush.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

What's the difference between Bob Ross and Roy Moore?

One's a doodler and the other's a diddler.

What do you call Bob Ross spinning around in circles at a theatre play?

Aphrodisiac

What do you get when you cross Hank Hill with Bob Ross?

A Pro-painter.

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A man goes to a new store to get some toilet paper

He approaches the clerk and asks are there any brands he recommends.

"Why yes sir! I make all my own products and we've something to suit everybody. This one I call Bob Ross"

"Why have you named it that?"

"Cos it's so gentle your ass will feel so relaxed and nice afterwards sir...

The U.K. police are looking for a robbery suspect that looks like “Ross” from Friends.

No one ever told him life was gonna be this way.

Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins?

They both share the trophy

If I had to wrestle Satan and was allowed to pick a partner, I’d pick Bob Ross

He always knew how to beat the devil.

Guy named Ross gets a new job as a school bus driver...

He gets a bus that has Bert and Ernie, Grover, Big Bird, et. al. painted on it. He says "Are you kidding me?". Boss replies, "Once you have some seniority we'll give you a newer bus."

So, he sets out on the run and at his first stop a boy gets on. Ross says, "Hi. I'm your new bus driver, ...

What's the difference between a handsome man and Ross from friends searching for a melon?

One's a good looking fella and the other's a food looking Geller

What do Rick Ross and a dominatrix have in common?

They're both interested in whips and chains.

In the famous words of Bob Ross: There’s no such thing as mistakes, only happy little accidents...

Unless your “little accident” is diagnosed with chronic depression.

What did Bob Ross do after eating a fair of fickled feffers?

He fainted.

What did Jonathan Ross say after breaking in to a large kitchen to steal some utensils?

It was worth the whisk

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

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The escort

So Ross calls for an escort. He says, "Make sure she has big tits and a tight pussy!"
A half hour later when there is a knock on the door, Ross says, "Are you from the escort service?"
And the woman answers, "Yes, I am. I'm looking for a guy named Ross with a big mouth and a little dick!"

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Sesame Street Bus

A guy gets a job as a city bus driver. After going over his route, his supervisor tells him about the buses advertisement. "This week, it's a sesame street ad. Do not let these ads get damaged as you make your way through the city. We make a lot of money from these companies and we want it to look g...

Ronald finally landed a job as a school bus driver.

He was assigned a rural route on a long road called Sesame Street.

At the first stop, there were two very portly girls. “I’m Patty and this is my cousin Patty” one of the two girls announced as they made their way to the back of the bus.

At the next stop there was a tiny boy waiting....

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

Happy little accident

Bob Ross would be a great mafia member because he’s just make everything look like a happy little accident

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Dave starts a new job as Bus Driver

Dave was starting a new job as a bus driver. He arrived at the bus depot and they told him he would be driving a bus with a "Sesame Street" advertisement on the side. He found this kind of amusing, and started his shift.

At the first stop, he picked up his first passenger. It was a fat woman....

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

So Jan gets a job driving a school bus.

The first day of school, Jan is given the bus she's to drive. She's driving an elementary-school route, so the inside of the bus has been decked out with Sesame Street characters; muppets pasted on every wall. Jan shrugs and gets started on her route.

The first kid is a super fat little girl...

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

A new bus driver starts his first day of work...

......he kisses his wife goodbye. He’s nervous about the new job and not sure if it’s for him.

He’s assigned his bus, and as he walks up to it, he notices that it has a big promotional for Sesame Street on the side. “Great,” he thinks, ...

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

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A man was out of work...

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and ...

Friends

Back in the '90s my then-wife and I used to watch the TV show Friends, and as people did we would compare ourselves to the characters in the show. I always said I was the Chandler of our group because I felt I was the sarcastic, funny one, and my then-wife would always come back with saying I was m...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Traumatized son

A young boy, an only child no more than ten years old, wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

As he is walking to the restroom, he opens his parents' bedroom door and sees them copulating quite vigorously. The boy screams in horror. The mom throws the dad off and attempts...

How do you know if a fossil was afraid before it was petrified?

If it’s a Diana-Ross-osaur

The wise old fisherman.

An 80 year old bloke called Ross loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, fl...

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
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