UPJOKE
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James Jokes

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

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What do the James Webb Telescope and Only Fans have in common?

They both have a great picture of Uranus

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

What is James Bond called in Newfoundland?

007:30

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

What does James Bond do before he falls asleep?

He goes "Under Cover"

What’s the difference between James Corden and God?

God doesn’t think he’s James Corden….

What were James Brown's last words?

I don't feel good

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

What's the difference between James Corden and a Sesame Street puppeteer?

The puppeteer has touched more Oscars.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt

NSFW - Why was James Corden really kicked out of that restaurant?

It was all because of the Chicken Corden Bleu.

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

I'm really stoked for the female James Bond. Expensive cars, noisy crashes, big explosions...

And that's just while she's parking them!

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

James Caan shared this one in his famous Twitter fashion

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.

James and Rob went fishing

James and Rob went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

**James:** I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

**Rob:** Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

**James:** You idiot! How do we know we will get the sam...

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?

Holy Diapers.

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

Rick Astley and James Blunt are in a bar having a pint

And they are talking about all the celebrities they knew :-

Rick Astley said "I met Yoko Ono in Soho once" but James had never met her before

James mentioned he was good friends with Carrie Fisher, unfortunately Rick had never met her

Rick Mentioned once going to dinner with ...

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

Why did LeBron James skip college?

He didn't want to show up for finals.

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

James Webb space telescope arrives at final destination L2 lagrange point.

Pics or it didn't happen.

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

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Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?

Jim the Juul Man Jailor

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what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

James Brown's Papas got a brand new bag was inspired by his travels in Iraq

He loved Baghdad

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

James Bond walks into a bar

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a lady. After his order is taken he looks at his watch and says: according to my watch, you’re not wearing any underwear. But I do wear underwear! The lady replies. My apologies, James says, my watch must be an hour ahead of time!

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

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What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

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