OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

James Bond's father :

How many marks did you get?

James Bond: 95% ………… 34.95%

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

Who do you call the underwater seaspy?

James Pond

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

Michael J Fox takes a job as a bartender

On his first shift James Bond walks in.

"What'll it be?" Says Michael

Bond takes one look at him and replies.

"I'll have a Martini"

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

Lebron James walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “Are you here to watch the NBA finals?”

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

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James Bond called his dick "cover"

You would shocked to hear how many times Britain's top spy had his cover blown....

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

Little Johnny's school is having a day where they honor the military, and Johnny's class is going through a worksheet.

They go through the answers to the final question,

"What are things that a teacher and a soilder can say?"

The teacher picks Caitlyn first for an answer.

Caitlyn says, "Today, we are going to learn how to fly drones!"

The teacher responds, "Excellent! Drones allow soldie...

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[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

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Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

Breaking News: James Bond cancels Beijing tour

Because this is No Time to Die.

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

James bond walks into a bar..

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this sta...

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

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A married man was having an extra-marital affair

One day when he was visiting his girlfriend,when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied,“My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gir...

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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