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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

It would blow his cover!

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

When secret agent Maynard James Keenan was captured by the Khmer Rouge, where did they take him for interrogation?

To Tool Sleng.

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

I have a James Bond bank account

It reads as follows, 0.07

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

Yesterday I ate lunch at a sub place called James Jonathan’s

It was a little fancier than Jimmy John’s

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

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Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

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[NSFW] Three men are discussing their sex lives

James said "My sex life is amazing! I have threesomes every day."

Jack said "Lucky you. I'm stuck with twosomes."

They both turn to John expectantly. "So John, how is your sex life?"

John thought for a while, then said "Wholesome, I guess."

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

Lebron James walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “Are you here to watch the NBA finals?”

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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A married man was having an extra-marital affair

One day when he was visiting his girlfriend,when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied,“My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the gir...

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

What do you call a shrimp that's really good at basketball?

Leprawn James

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

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An all boys high school teacher was doing the attendance roll call one morning

She went through the list of names and each student replied, “Yes miss” as their name was called.

“James?”

“Yes miss,” replied James.

“Is Robert here?”

“Yes miss,” replied Robert.

“Jack?”

After about 5 seconds of silence, Jack hadn’t replied.

The teac...

What is my age ?

The new mathematics school teacher on the very first day asks a very complicated question.

Teacher: Let me see if you can answer this question :

"A train in Russia covers a distance of 600 kilometres in 4 hours . A bomber flies over a City in the Middle East and drops a huge bomb. A...

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

Where do King James Version Only churches post videos of their sermon?

ThouTube

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

What does the doorbell of james bond sound like

Dong, Ding Dong

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers

Saint Peter and God are talking about today's teenagers.

God says "Today all teenagers use drugs"

"You're right" replies Peter "I will now go on earth to see if really all teenagers use them"

After a bit Peter returns and tells God that the teens are coming. Few seconds later so...

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

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They said Viagra wouldn't turn a normal man into James Bond

But it certainly made me Roger Moore.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

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Two women decides to go out and have some fun without their husbands.

The night turned out great it was a lot of fun. They got tipsy so they headed back home, but on the road they had a sudden urge to pee, so they climbed over the wall of a graveyard nearby. When finnished, they recocgnised they’ve got nothing to wipe themself clean with. One of them used her panties ...

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

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Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

What’s the temperature in a taun taun?

lukewarm

Credit to my friend James for that.

Lebron James is invited to a fishing trip

Lebron James is invited to a fishing trip by the Chinese president Xi Jinping and Putin. He is told that he can bring along another person. So he decides to bring along his high school headmaster. While they’re fishing, Xi Jingping gets bored so he grabs his lunch box and throws it in the water. Put...

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

My son asked for a bookmark

Can’t believe he still doesn’t know my name is James

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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