There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film...

... it's because he's got 'No time to Dye'.

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

What did James Bond’s mother say as she was giving birth

I’ve been expecting you Mr. Bond

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

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IF YOU SEE A LINK TITLED “JAMES CHARLES NUDE”, DON’T CLICK ON IT.

#IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON PERMANENT CAPS LOCK.

What does lebron james and stormy Daniels have in common

They both get paid to play with orange balls

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

Lebron James walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “Are you here to watch the NBA finals?”

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

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what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

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A guy walks into a bar, take out his gun and says "my name's Bond, James Bond".

Then, another guy walks into the bar, take off his pants, shows his six dicks and his eight balls and says "my name's Byl, Chernobyl".

What does James Bond do before going to bed?

He goes under cover.

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

What’s the temperature in a taun taun?

lukewarm

Credit to my friend James for that.

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

After a week off work, a bouncer in Glasgow turns up at his usual pub to start his shift at the door.

As he walks in, the barman says "We could've used your help in here last night. We had that Spanish actor in here, you know the fella from James Bond and that other film by the Coen Brothers. Causing all sorts of bother, fighting and everything all night long."

The doorman asks "Aye? Javier B...

One night an old Scottish man was going to the pub

like he had done for the last 40 years.
He told his wife “Molly go and put on your coat”
Molly was delighted. “Awwww James are you finally taking me with you to the pub, after all these years! You always say You don’t want we there!!”
“No Molly, I’m just going to turn off the heater while ...

What does the doorbell of james bond sound like

Dong, Ding Dong

What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0-7

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

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A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

An old man lay on his deathbed, surrounded by his children.

However, he had never met any of his children due to his avid drinking habits, and this was the first time they had seen or heard of him for 10 years. Not knowing anything about him, they were surprised when he turned to his oldest son James, and said
"Here son. You have all the houses I have on...

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

If James Bond were a Duck...

...he’d live in the James Pond.

James Bond walks into a bar

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a lady. After his order is taken he looks at his watch and says: according to my watch, you’re not wearing any underwear. But I do wear underwear! The lady replies. My apologies, James says, my watch must be an hour ahead of time!

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

What's the difference between medium and rare?

6 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

Source: The Jester by James Patterson

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

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Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

What's a British spy's secret fetish?

Bondage, James Bondage

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

James Buchanan was eating lunch at the White House towards the end of his term.

Since Buchanan had lived there for a while, the next president asked him what foods he recommends at the White House. James loves pig meat so he tells Lincoln: 

“Aye, bruh, ham.”

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

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And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in agai...

A boy was walking his dog down the street, when one of the neighbors said: Aww! He's so cute! What's his name?

"James." he said

"Yep, that's my name!" said the boy

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

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