James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra won't turn you into James Bond...

But it will help you Rodger Moore.

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

James Hetfield went to a restaurant the other day.

Cashier : Hi, what would you like to eat?

James : Give me food! Give me fries! Give me salad on the side!

Cashier : Okay and how would you like to pay? With Visa or Master?

James : Master! Master!

​

\--- shamelessly stolen off a youtube comment

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

The ironic thing about the James Gunn situation

I am seeing a lot of conservatives being anti Gunn

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James and Adam are great neighbours...

One day, Adam was complaining to James that he needed to paint a room in his house but was overwhelmed with the amount of work he had at his office.

James tells him "you've been a great neighbour to me all these years, go off to work and I'll take care of the painting for you".

Adam i...

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

“I did not touch them! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.”

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

A first grade class comes in from recess.

The teacher asks Emily, "What did you do at recess?"

Emily says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Next the teacher asks James ...

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

There was once a marching band director named James

James had a passion for music, but also a notoriously bad temper. One day during practice, one of his trombone players kept playing out of tune. After the third time yelling at him, James decided to come down and beat him over the head with the trombone, and James ended up killing him. The trial was...

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist?

His favorite sex act was double heel licks.

What's James Cameron called when he's no working?

James Camera-off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.

​

Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"

​

"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.

​

Grandpa said t...

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?

...yes, that's a coincidence.

Death at the Guinness Brewery

Pat O’ Hara and Sean O’Toole lived next door to each other in Dublin. They worked the graveyard shift at the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate together for 20 years. Every evening they would leave for work together at 11:30 pm and every morning they would return from work at 8:30 am.
One morning...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

What's LeBron James' wife called?

LaBron James.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James from Bulgaria lived trains.

James from Bulgaria loved trains since he was a boy. He particularly loved how fast they could go. As a child he enjoyed playing with model trains and even owned an old conductors hat that he wore everywhere.

When he grew up he worked very hard and eventually became a train driver. And he lo...

Did you hear about the time Donald Trump made James Comey have lunch with him?

I heard it was a presidential man-date.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy, or James?

Name that shit Hurricane Death Mega-Fuck 3000 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they ought to.

Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does James Hetfield wipe his butt?

Back to the front

James Comey walks into a bar...

and orders two White Russians - one for here, one to go.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member o...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

So Trump runs into James Comey at a party...

"Hey, Jim Comey, what's new?"

"I don't have to tell you any more."

The Lord said, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But James came fifth and won a toaster.

A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They...

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

Who are James Gatz's (The Great Gatsby's) least favorite superheroes?

Green Lantern and Deadpool

How many James Pattersons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'll just hire a ghostwriter to do it for him.

What do you call a james bond film about a calculator?

Casio royale

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken.

Chicken: What's your name?

Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond.

Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

I recently found an audio bible narrated by James Earl Jones

Overall it was good, though the book of Luke seemed a bit forced