Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

My uncle once started a race with my dad to see who could have a son called James first. Since my name is James,

That means my parents came first.

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

What do James Charles and nuns have in common?

They’re both called sisters!

A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

James is walking on a downtown street one day,

and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 

​

He’d turned...

What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta?

(in a Scottish accent)
Mini Penne

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

I go to the gym so infrequently

I still call it James

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra won't turn you into James Bond...

But it will help you Rodger Moore.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

Knock,knock

Who's there?
James.
James who?
James proceeds to cry as his grandmothers dementia tears his family apart

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

The ironic thing about the James Gunn situation

I am seeing a lot of conservatives being anti Gunn

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A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the...

A first grade class comes in from recess.

The teacher asks Emily, "What did you do at recess?"

Emily says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

Next the teacher asks James ...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

“I did not touch them! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.”

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on...

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kid asked me “Dad, where did we come from?”

Well I decided that if he starts asking these questions he’s old enough for the sex talk, So I explained everything to him, Better hear it from me than anybody else, After I was done I asked “So what made you ask this question?”

He said” Well my friend James said his family came here from Ire...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist?

His favorite sex act was double heel licks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.

​

Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"

​

"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.

​

Grandpa said t...

What's James Cameron called when he's no working?

James Camera-off

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

There was once a marching band director named James

James had a passion for music, but also a notoriously bad temper. One day during practice, one of his trombone players kept playing out of tune. After the third time yelling at him, James decided to come down and beat him over the head with the trombone, and James ended up killing him. The trial was...

What's LeBron James' wife called?

LaBron James.

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

007 is both James Bonds number and Russias country code, a coincidence...?

...yes, that's a coincidence.

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

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What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

James from Bulgaria lived trains.

James from Bulgaria loved trains since he was a boy. He particularly loved how fast they could go. As a child he enjoyed playing with model trains and even owned an old conductors hat that he wore everywhere.

When he grew up he worked very hard and eventually became a train driver. And he lo...

Did you hear about the time Donald Trump made James Comey have lunch with him?

I heard it was a presidential man-date.

A girl wanted to attract the attention of her crush in school, James.

So the next day she came to school wearing heavily ostentatious makeup, attractive clothing barely close to the school's dress code, and is now making way towards James, who's talking to his friend Johnny.

"Hey guys", she addressed them.

As James looked towards her face, her clothes,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy, or James?

Name that shit Hurricane Death Mega-Fuck 3000 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they ought to.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member o...

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How does James Hetfield wipe his butt?

Back to the front

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

James Comey walks into a bar...

and orders two White Russians - one for here, one to go.

Why did James Comey refuse to indict Hillary Clinton?

Because he found his suicide note in her Wikileaks emails.

A rite of passage

Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They...

So Trump runs into James Comey at a party...

"Hey, Jim Comey, what's new?"

"I don't have to tell you any more."

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would happen if James Bond took Viagra?

He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all.

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)