It was eleven years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

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IF YOU SEE A LINK TITLED “JAMES CHARLES NUDE”, DON’T CLICK ON IT.

#IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON PERMANENT CAPS LOCK.

What does lebron james and stormy Daniels have in common

They both get paid to play with orange balls

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

Lebron James walks into a bar

The bartender asks, “Are you here to watch the NBA finals?”

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

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what kind of sex does James Bond have

James Bondage

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A guy walks into a bar, take out his gun and says "my name's Bond, James Bond".

Then, another guy walks into the bar, take off his pants, shows his six dicks and his eight balls and says "my name's Byl, Chernobyl".

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

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Man, don't you just hate the new culturally-aware autocorrect?

I keep trying to type talentless asshole but it always changes it to James Corden.

So the James Bond release has been suspended due to Corona virus

Apparently there is time to die

James meets his high school friend Harry.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

What does the doorbell of james bond sound like

Dong, Ding Dong

James Bond was getting a haircut. Barber: Sir, you’re becoming old, your hair is turning grey. Should I colour them?

James Bond: No time to dye, dye another day

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

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They said Viagra wouldn't turn a normal man into James Bond

But it certainly made me Roger Moore.

What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0-7

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

Famous people and their mothers

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

If James Bond were a Duck...

...he’d live in the James Pond.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

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And old english gentleman is sitting in his study.

Suddenly his buttler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..."

"James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!"

The buttler bows himself out and then comes in agai...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

So Jesus is up on the cross, and James, his most faithful disciple. kneels at his feet, trying to comfort him in his last hours.

Soon Jesus, exhausted, says softly "James... James...."

James, trying to comfort the Lord, soothes him "I am here Lord, save your strength"

Jesus falls silent. A little later He says again, "James... James... are you there...."

"Yes, my Lord, I am here" answers James "Be still ...

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

What's your name?

The receptionist asks 007 his name
He replies "Bond...James Bond"

.
.
.


"I didn't ask for your middle name Bond Bond"

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

What's James Bond's favorite kind of pasta?

(in a Scottish accent)
Mini Penne

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

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I was recently clearing out my drug cabinet...

I came across a packet of James Bond 007 branded Viagra.

Apparently they make you Roger Moore!

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

IKEA uses almost 18 million cubic yards of wood for their furniture.

Do you know that if you collated all of that wood...

You could just about build a tree house for James Corden?

James Hetfield went to a restaurant the other day.

Cashier : Hi, what would you like to eat?

James : Give me food! Give me fries! Give me salad on the side!

Cashier : Okay and how would you like to pay? With Visa or Master?

James : Master! Master!



\--- shamelessly stolen off a youtube comment

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There was a kid named John Shit

Cursed boy, always hated his own name, whole life suffering bullying from everyone...

When turned 18 he was decided to change his name so he opened a process and headed to the judge:

- So, Mr John Shit, you want to change your name, right?
- Yes sir
- And how do you want to be ca...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

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James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

“I did not touch them! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.”

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

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James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

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