UPJOKE
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I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

What do you call James Bond having a bath?

Bubble 07

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?

Holy Diapers.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

The Captain called the Sergeant in...

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So, the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant, "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.

T...

James Caan shared this one in his famous Twitter fashion

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

What were James Brown's last words?

I don't feel good

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

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James and his giant peach

James was a delivery boy of amazing delicious fresh Indian food from one island to another. James loved peaches, the head chef told him to take a small peach and everyday he rowed out to the neighbouring island , for his good deed his peach would grow.
James on first day of work collected butter ...

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

James and Rob went fishing

James and Rob went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

**James:** I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

**Rob:** Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

**James:** You idiot! How do we know we will get the sam...

007 has a new mission…

… he has to infiltrate a posh party and mingle.

His orders are to “bond James, bond”.

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

Who was the cheesiest singer that ever lived?

Feta James

What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?

Jim the Juul Man Jailor

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

Rick Astley and James Blunt are in a bar having a pint

And they are talking about all the celebrities they knew :-

Rick Astley said "I met Yoko Ono in Soho once" but James had never met her before

James mentioned he was good friends with Carrie Fisher, unfortunately Rick had never met her

Rick Mentioned once going to dinner with ...

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

What did the windmill say to LeBron James?

I’m a big fan.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

a chicken is sitting at the bar

A man sits next to him

The chicken asks him whats your name..

The man looks at him and says..
Bond, james bond..

The man reciprocates the question.

The chicken says
Ken, chicken

Due to recent events,

James Bond no longer works for her majesty's secret service.

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

What your score in the last test, James?

James Bond: 95%.............34.95%

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

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What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry say...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

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Viagra...It won't make you James Bond.....

But it would make you Roger Moore.

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

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So a trucker is driving down the road...

and he sees these two guys standing by the side of the road. He stops and they ask if they could have a ride to the next town over, so he lets them on, and they keep driving. A bit down the road, one of the guys asks,

"Hey is it ok if I pass some gas?"

The trucker thinks its a bit weir...

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

Voldemort: Knock Knock

James: Who’s there?

Voldemort: You Know

James: You Know who?

Voldemort: Exactly.

James: Aw, Dang!

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

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