Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

What do you call an old James Bond?

Bondage

If James Bond were a Duck...

...he’d live in the James Pond.

How is it possible for James Bond to ride a horse without stirrups?

He uses shaken-ups.

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

What did James say to Jessie?

You gotta big Meowth

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Jesus and James

So it's Resurrection Sunday and Jesus appear before the apostle James

"Brother, it is I. I have returned."

"Holy crap Jesus! You really said you were gonna do it and you did."

"Yup. Never doubt your older brother."

"Man you look great for a dead guy." James told up Jesus'...

James French

Crime: killed two people.

Punishment: Death by electric chair.
#
>!French fries.!<

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

Why does James Harden love China?

Because he travels

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

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Viagra: it won’t make you James Bond...

But it’ll make you Roger Moore.

James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

James is walking on a downtown street one day,

and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve s...

What is black & white and red all over?

Lebron James' contract.

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

James Bond's new watch

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"


"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this stat...

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

How are Melania Trump and LeBron James alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014

But he was exposed as a double agent.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

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Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and a Tom Hanks are on a plane

Trump, Lebron James, the Pope, a mother of 6, and Tom Hanks are on a plane when the cockpit is struck and the plane starts to go down.

As they search for parachutes they discover they are one short.

Before anyone can say anything Trump grabs a pack and jumps, giving everyone the finger...

Why did LeBron James choose to not go to college?

Because he struggles with finals.

What’ was James Brown’s favorite college?

UNH

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

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„I would rather have 100 nazis as costumers than one foreigner.“

-James, 52, mortician

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Freddie died in a fire

Freddie was a well respected member of his community, however his two best friends James and Thomas were a lot more boisterous and seen as a bit dim witted amongst the neighbourhood. One night Freddie's house catches on fire and Freddie is engulfed in the flames.

The next day a police office...

James Hetfield went to a restaurant the other day.

Cashier : Hi, what would you like to eat?

James : Give me food! Give me fries! Give me salad on the side!

Cashier : Okay and how would you like to pay? With Visa or Master?

James : Master! Master!



\--- shamelessly stolen off a youtube comment

James Bond is a sleeper agent

He sleeps with every woman he comes across

Watt's my name

- Hello, are you there?
- Yes. Who are you, please?
- I'm Watt.
- What's your name?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, what's your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes, are you James?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will ...

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James and Adam are great neighbours...

One day, Adam was complaining to James that he needed to paint a room in his house but was overwhelmed with the amount of work he had at his office.

James tells him "you've been a great neighbour to me all these years, go off to work and I'll take care of the painting for you".

Adam i...

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

I put this on askreddit a little while ago:

So there’s this priest who dies and goes to heaven, and he’s waiting in the line in front of the pearly gates. So the line moves, and it’s the guy in front of him’s turn to talk with St. Peter. So the guy says, “My name is Vinny Sarducci, taxi driver from Las Vegas. St. Peter says, “Vinny? Glad to m...

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

The ironic thing about the James Gunn situation

I am seeing a lot of conservatives being anti Gunn

Why should you never loan LeBron James a dollar?

He will give you back 75 cents and say he wasn't sure about what happened to the fourth quarter.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri too.

Credit: James Franco

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James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J. Fox

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

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Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.



Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"



"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.



Grandpa said to come back and talk when it could.<...

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

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There are 3 racehorses sitting in a bar

Called James, Jimmy and Johnny.

James turns to Jimmy and says, "Say, last week I was in a big race and I was losing by miles! But then suddenly, I had a massive pain in my ass and it shot through my whole body and through my mouth and woah! I was in front and I won!"

Jimmy replies, "Cr...

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.

"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"

"Adam James, prosecutor"

"Sarah Connoley, public defender"

"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

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James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.

“I did not touch them! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.

Oh hi Mark.”

They have just announced the release of the new James Bond movie where the lead role is played by a woman.

It will be called “Double O .77 cents on the dollar”.

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on...

The story of Tym

There once was a guy named Tym (Tim spelled T.Y.M.)



Anyways, in a casual conversation with his boss, Tym says,

"I will bet you $100 that I personally know anyone in the world, anyone you can name"

The boss, obviously did not believe this and replies with Lebron James....

What did they lawyer say to James Bond?

I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

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Lebron James must skip leg day

His cavs can't do shit

What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?

A Q-rig

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

007 recieves a new mission... to infiltrate a party and mingle.

His orders are to, "bond James, bond".

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

What's LeBron James' wife called?

LaBron James.

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

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Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist?

His favorite sex act was double heel licks.

What's James Cameron called when he's no working?

James Camera-off

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

James Bond.

Do you think when he is out of the UK he is known as +44 007?

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

what do you call a female james bond?

0077 cents on the dollar

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member o...

When the Empire Strikes Back was being filmed, they considered getting rid of James Earl Jones and bringing in Hulk Hogan instead to be Darth Vader.

But they quickly decided not to when they realized the line "No Luke, I am your father, brother!" Was way too confusing.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

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