UPJOKE
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I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

Why the next James Bond should be a woman

The next Bond should be a woman!

Can you imagine? Crazy car scenes with spectacular crashes, explosions...

... And all of that while she's parking.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

James and Rob went fishing

James and Rob went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

**James:** I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

**Rob:** Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

**James:** You idiot! How do we know we will get the sam...

What were James Brown's last words?

I don't feel good

Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?

Jim the Juul Man Jailor

Jean Claude Van Damme meets James Bond for the first time. Bond introduces himself.

"the name's Bond. James... Bond."

Jean Claude replies

"The name's Damme. Van Damme. Claude Van Damme. Jean Claude Van Damme"

James Cameron is making a sci-fi movie about cyborg music producers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

They say the James Webb Telescope is so powerful that it can see back in time

But can it see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

Exciting news from the James Webb Telescope...

They have detected a new planet that is almost the size of one of Zelensky's balls

What did the windmill say to LeBron James?

I’m a big fan.

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

James Webb space telescope arrives at final destination L2 lagrange point.

Pics or it didn't happen.

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

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So a trucker is driving down the road...

and he sees these two guys standing by the side of the road. He stops and they ask if they could have a ride to the next town over, so he lets them on, and they keep driving. A bit down the road, one of the guys asks,

"Hey is it ok if I pass some gas?"

The trucker thinks its a bit weir...

Rick Astley and James Blunt are in a bar having a pint

And they are talking about all the celebrities they knew :-

Rick Astley said "I met Yoko Ono in Soho once" but James had never met her before

James mentioned he was good friends with Carrie Fisher, unfortunately Rick had never met her

Rick Mentioned once going to dinner with ...

What your score in the last test, James?

James Bond: 95%.............34.95%

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

What do you call an Old James Bond?

Bearer Bond

Voldemort: Knock Knock

James: Who’s there?

Voldemort: You Know

James: You Know who?

Voldemort: Exactly.

James: Aw, Dang!

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.

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What is the similarity between having sex with a hot German girl and James Joyce's Ulysses?

I fall asleep before they finish.

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

panties

Captain James T Kirk of Star Trek fame has launched his own range of women’s underwear, the bras are selling well, but it appears that nobody wants to buy a brand of underwear named

“Shatner Panties”.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

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If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

One good thing of the whole war...

...Russia will continue being James Bond story material.

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

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Viagra...It won't make you James Bond.....

But it would make you Roger Moore.

Just fought the James Bond.

I was really shaken. But not stirred.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

James French

A man named James French was sitting in the electric chair and when asked for his last words by a reporter he replied:

"How's this for a headline;

French fries".

(this actually happened)

A butler

… was dusting of the bookshelves when the phone rang. He picked up
“This is James speaking, at your service”
“James, is my wife at home?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she alone?”
“No, sir”
“Is she with my lawyer?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she in her bedroom?”
“I’m afraid so, sir”
“I se...

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he's James Bond

Well, I suppose he is a shorn canary

What does James Bond dine on for Christmas?

Her Majesty's Secret Service

What do you call a suicidal James Bond?

The world is quite enough.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

James was recently hired as a new butler for an old rich man

However, despite the old man’s age, he had a smoking hot 20 year old wife.

One day, the couple goes out to dinner and tells James to watch over the house while they are gone.

About thirty minutes later, the wife walks into the house without the old man and sees James.

She direct...

Two students, John and James, took a quiz on which phrase is better, had or had had.

James, while John had had had, had had had had. Had had had had a better effect on the teacher.

How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

History's great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Georg Ohm: "I'm resisting the idea."

Robert Boyle: "I'm under too much pressure."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Pierre and Marie Curie: "We're radiating enthusiasm."

Alessandro...

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

"dad, why my sister named rose?"

"because your mother loves roses"

"thanks dad"

"no problem james.jr"

What would James Charles say if he were a shoe that doesn't fit?

Hi blisters!

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

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A man called James Woodling dies

His family and friends send out letters to dress for the occasion.
The next week the funeral starts everyone is sad and distraught but one person isn’t there his best friend Dave, suddenly there’s a shout from over the hill.
It’s Dave but he’s wearing an inflatable penis costume.
James’s mo...

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

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What is James Charles favorite music genre?

Re-Gay

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

James Dean had a tiring day at work

James Dean had a long and tiring day at work, so he decided to stop at a pub on the way home. He ordered a pint of Coors Light and some whiskey. Before the drinks were poured he changed his mind - instead of the pint he asked for a can of Red Bull. He was getting a Red Bull without a Coors!

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

It's 1860 in the Bowery. A prim Anglo woman knocks on the door of an Irish catholic immigrant...

She says, "I'm here supporting James Mason for mayor. He wants to increase money for public schools."

"What's he want to do that for?" the Irish woman asks.

"Well, he believes in the importance of education."

The Irish woman seems confused. "That's it? His sister doesn't work...

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

How did your wife die, James?

James: She ate a poisonous mushroom.
Q: Then what's with the scars and bruises on her head?
James: She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

What is the difference between James Hetfield and Paula White?

One is a master of puppets, the other is a pastor of muppets.

You know, after everyone realized that James Corden doesn’t drive the car in Carpool Karaoke...

...they should have just renamed the show to Car Pull Karaoke.

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Tom: Hey, do you like fruits?

James: Not really.

Tom: And salad?

James: Not much.

Tom: Then you’re not gonna like what I did.

James: What? You made fruit salad?

Tom: Nah, I made out with your wife.

WAS BARRY WHITE ? WAS CILLA BLACK ? WAS JAMES BROWN ?

SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER

No matter what you guys say, I’m not unsubscribing from James Charles

That entails having to subscribe to him in the first place

James LeBron has done what so few people can: he’s unified the country, left and right.

Also, did you know that the Chinese put their family name *first*, to honor their ancestors?

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