I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

I met a stripper with dyslexia

Her name was Density.

I met this girl at a vegan restaurant she said she knew me.

But I never met herbivore

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?

>!you tap it once and it's gone!<

My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

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Met a lady at a bar one night and after flirting a bit I suggested she comes to my house to suck my dick.

Only after dodging my puke did she realise I was dyslexic

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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I met a girl with 12 boobs today

Sounds weird, dozen tit

When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.

So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is su...

When I first met my wife, I was worried she would find my fetish off-putting...

...but I got off on the right foot.

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

We met a family with 5 kids. I guessed their names correctly

Honeymoon, Valentine's Day, Pulled Out, Forgot the pill, and Broken Condom.

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

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I met up with my two best mates and we were debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Now it’s my turn and I tell them, “Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the gates of heaven...

'In honour of this holy season,' he said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'This represents a candle,' he said.

'Very well, you may pass,' said St. Peter...

Have you met the shower philosopher?

He was always a loufah.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Have you met my buddy Mushroom?

He's a fungi.

I met a reddit user today

he gave me the damn flu.

I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

I met a wine maker that made my wife and I a little uncomfortable.

He was the vintner of our discontent.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?

Leave M'Alone

Met a woman from Tanzania recently. We talked in her native language for hours

Guess you can say we really clicked

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online

We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

What did the necrophile do when he met a hot chick?

He took her out.

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I was having sex with a girl I met at a bar...

The girl said "fuck me with all nine inches and make it hurt!"

So I fucked her three times and hit her with a hammer.

What did the blind man say when he met an old friend?

Nice to run into you again.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

All my friends say that I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met,

Well I’m not buying it

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

I met up with my impersonal trainer today

We went to the gym,i stood there eating snacks and he worked out,then we said our farewells and parted ways.

Met a cute white supremacist on Tinder...

She was a real snackkk

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and da...

I met a very unnatractive girl recently and she likes to send pics

It goes without saying that I'm going to have to be the bearer of bad nudes.

I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

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Met this girl in a bar [OC]

She was kinda drunk and I didn't start drinking yet. I decided to bet her 2 grand that I could do 3 things she could not. She agreed.


I know I'm gonna get her. I whipped out my dick.


Now I'm out 2 grand.

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I just met a really mean potato...

...it was a dick tater.

I cheated on my wife with a girl I met at a mundane AA meeting.

It was a sober affair.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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A man and a woman met in a bar.

They went for a walk and the guy was about to ask her to be his girlfriend, but she said, "I have to pee." He responds, "okay go behind those bushes."

He hears her pull her pants down and can't control himself. He runs to the bushes and reaches in to touch her. He touches her leg and slowly g...

Pacific Islanders are some the greediest people I've met!

Every time I give them something, they always end up wanting Samoa!

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

I met a girl today with a real banging body.

I mean it was a real racket she was making in my trunk.

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

I met a strange man in a coastal city in China

They call him Bay-Jing.

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

I met this man outside the street and we walk into a bar.

We had a small conversation. Then he brought up writing as the topic.

He said: "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

I went out of the bar after my drink. Two week...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets ...

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

I met a depressed electron the other day.

He wasn't very positive.

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

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I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feel...

Met a girl who raised bees

She was a keeper.

My friends said she was no good for me. At first I denied it, but I caught her cheating and now I'm a bee-leaver

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I met my ex on a racetrack...

...We drifted apart.

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I’m gonna start saying this every time I ask a couple how they met and they reply “The Internet” or “Tinder”.

“Ahhh, the good ole internet, helping people come together so they can cum together.”

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

I met a 60 years old lady last night at the pub..

She looked marvellous for her years. I wondered how beautiful her daughter must be. After having a few drinks, she came up to me and asked "Have you ever been with a mother and a daughter at the same time?"


"Can't say I have," I replied excitedly.


She winked at me and whispered...

Two honeydew melons in a patch had just met, but immediately fell madly in love with each other.

One of the melons came from a strict and abusive family, and desparately wanted to get married. The other melon loved her so much, that he went to the father's patch to ask his permission to marry.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I wish to marry her. Do I have your permission?", th...

Before swine met Jesus, what was it?

Swater

Have you ever met someone who always has to 1-up your story?

If you think that's bad, I knew this one guy...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

I met a girl named Ruth

When she left me, I became Ruthless

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Abbariginal"

I met a girl at a date auction and fell madly in love.

But our love was for biddin'.

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

I met a mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

I met a Karen once...

She was Burnett

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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I once met a guy with a cashew fetish.

He was fucking nuts.

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

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I met a beautiful girl in bangkok.

I was at that bar in bangkok and saw this beautiful girl. She looked at me with that amazing smile and all i could think of was "dont get a boner, dont get a boner" - but she still got one :(

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

"Hey, what gives? I did God's work, how come he...

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

I met a woman who warned me not to approach Dio.

If I did, he would stop time and flatten me with a steamroller.

I decided to ignore her and challenge him anyways.

As I lay there dying on the ground, I take solace knowing that the woman is laughing at me in such a way that she looks just as stupid as I do.

TL;DR... I'm no all-...

I met an amazing girl on Tinder

Her name is Catherine Fisher

My wife and I were both happy for 26 years

Then we met.

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TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.

Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

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Two roman centurions met up while on the road.

A roman centurion remarked to another: "Guess how women many I had sex with?"

Second roman centurion: "mmm"

First centurion: "Jeez not that many!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

I've met Jesus!

His English needs work, but his Spanish is flawless.

When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:



It was the chicken.

I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

I'll never forget the first time I met my clone.





I was beside myself with joy.

I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist.

Turns out she works at Gamestop.

Well, i met with a dyslexic satanist

that sold his soul to Santa.

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Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

Have you met Eric? He's a genie. He's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

In a bar, an American, an Italian, a Turkish and an Indian met.

After a few pegs, they started discussing about the great things their respective nations produced.

American: "We are proud of our CIA. They know everything that is going around the world, often even before it happens".

Italian: "We are proud of our women. They are the most beautiful ...

I once met an Ewok with no parents.

He was an Endorphin.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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