The 139+ Best Met Jokes

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

I met a woman at the bar and asked to take her home

She said I'm on my menstrual cycle, I said that's okay I'll follow you on my Honda

A wife says to her husband, "Have a gained to much weight since we met?"

The husband honestly answers, "Oh, maybe just a fraction more than I'd like." The wife asks, "I thought so too. How *much* of a fraction?" The husband again answers honestly, "I'd rather not say. It would be improper."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said.

"You may pass through the pear...

Tom Hanks is the rudest celebrity I have ever met

I asked for an autograph and all he wrote was Thanks.

Met an Austrailian the other day, he said to me

What's your favourite hobby, sport?

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.

The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.

The Italian said: we dug very deep a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one on How I Met Your Mother

What's the difference between peanutbutter and jam?

You can't peanutbutter your dick up someones ass.

Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!“

„Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

I met a homeless guy on the streets today who was asking for money.

I had 20 dollars with me but I didn't want it to be spent on drugs and alcohol so i gave him all of it.

Have you met my one legged friend?

Her name is Eileen….she works at that breakfast place that just sells pancakes.

How do you know if you’ve met one of Dolly Parton’s kids?

They have stretch marks around their mouth.

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

I met a man who reminded me of my dad. He came up to me and said...

Don't forget your dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

Met a hot girl in the bar

She said if I give her 500 bucks she'll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

I met my new neighbor today. Turns out he's Swiss.

I told him I'd never met someone from Switzerland before, and asked what he likes most about his home country.

He shrugged. "I dunno. The flag's a big plus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I had no interest in sex until I met a Canadian woman...

Turns out I'm Eh?sexual

A rabbi met a hungry blind man

To help, the rabbi offered the blind man a piece of matzah.

The blind man held it and said "Who wrote this nonsense?!"

Bill and Bob met at the local bar after work.

Bob said to Bill, "So you were going to propose to Lisa yesterday evening. Are congratulations in order?"

Bill said, "Not yet. They'll have to wait."

Bob asked, "How long?"

"It could be a while," replied Bill, "she said I'm the last person she'll marry."

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time.

After a party, a guy finds himself invited to the home of a girl he's just met for the first time. She shows him into the living room, and tells him to make himself at home while she goes to the kitchen to make them some drinks.

He notices a cute jar on a bookshelf, and picks it up to take a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.

Before I met her I was a billionaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was visiting Germany when he met a local named Gunther.

They immediately struck up a friendship and began chatting. After a pleasant chat John asked Gunther what he did for a living. Gunther explained “while, I am the creator of the minions from the Despicable Me franchise.” “Wow, that is so cool, John says excitedly.” “My son loves those little guys. On...

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.

I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility

I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.

I met my wife on tinder.

Well, that was awkward.

Met my first Mandalorian today

He was a Wisconsin dairy farmer, took me on a tour of a Mando dairy. First, he showed me the snack curd-making facility, then pointed and said,

“This is the whey.”

I met someone special in a Scottish ICU.

*Alas…*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

I've had a lovely globe on my desk for years, and I just met the man who made it!

It's a small world.

What happened when the missionary met the cannibal?

He gave him his first taste of religion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

Two old ladies met at the park...

The first old lady asked, "Did you come on the bus?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A rabbi & a Catholic priest met at an interfaith conference

They decided to take a break for lunch together. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question.

"From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Have you ever actually tried it?"

"Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. Now tell ME, Father- I've he...

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

My wife ran away with my best friend

Never met the guy but now I consider him my best friend.

George the mailman

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope....

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

I met someone with halitosis last night. He had some strange ideas but, oddly enough,

everything he said made scents

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.

Fred immediately says to Jim "you won't believe my weekend. I went to the club Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You've got to meet this woman."

The nex...

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Reputation is just like How I Met Your Mother

It requires years to build it but one single moment is enough to ruin it all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth.

After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Pe...

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a pirate at the bar…

Me: Excuse me sir, are you a pirate?

Pirate: Rrrrrr, indeed I am matey!

Me: Wow, I have never met a pirate before, what’s your name?

Pirate: Ahhh, me crew named me after two great sea tales, Black Beard the mighty pirate and the great Moby Dick!

Me: *hesitating to ask*…S...

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

After her divorce, Susan was very picky about her dates. Finally she met a talented and funny young gynecologist.

He checked a lot of boxes.

I met a chicken who was a fan of The Beatles today

He told me his number one thing on his bucket list was to meet someone named Abby.

When I asked him why, he said "I've always wanted to cross that road"

I met my wife in a brothel!

Neither of us were very happy about that…

Three people die; a doctor, school teacher, and the head of a large insurance company.

When met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the doctor, "what did you do on Earth?"
The doctor replied, "I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free." St. Peter told the Doctor, "You may go in."
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, "I...

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

Two rednecks went to the beach

The younger of the two said "This sucks, man! None of the girls are even noticing me!"

His older friend said "I tell you what- maybe if you put a sock in your swim trunks, that would help get you some more attention."

So the younger boy went to the changing room and adjusted his swimw...

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason…

… now I have a reason.

Met a dyslexic woman last night in a club ending up taking her home.

She ended up cooking my sock.

They say women suck at math but idk

Every woman I’ve met told me you can’t round 3 inches up to 6

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a lovely lady in the bar last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is the most racist person I've ever met.

Even her clitoris has a pointy hood.

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head. He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minute...

I love my job

I get to serve several meals each day

I meet tons of facinating people

I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.

God i love serving food in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?

‘What’s that?’, he asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As his mind began to embrace the i...

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deborah met with her friend Judy one Sunday afternoon, and Deborah began talking about her husband's new favorite pastime

"Oh yes," said Deborah with the grandest smile on her face, "everything has been so much better between Henry and I ever since he joined his 'Swingers Club'!"

Judy's utter shock forced her to spit out all the tea she was sipping on, and she tried to form a proper response as her mind became s...

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…

I said- “Are you Sirius?”

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

What is a pirates least favorite letter?

One from his manager saying he has been traded to the Mets.

I met a man today that will be the last person to let me down

He is an undertaker

I met a woman last week who said she wanted a guy who's funny and spontaneous

Yet when I tapped on the window late at night wearing a clown suit it was all panic and screaming.

I can't explain it, but I think the guy I just met is a ska fan.

At least, that's the impression that I get.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.

Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

There were actually Nine Dwarves before Snow White met them,

They exiled Hungry after Tasty went missing.

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

I just see my friend sprinting down the road…

I stopped him and asked “Jim, what’s the matter?!?”.

He told me he was on a date with a beautiful women he met at work and she told him she wants to have his children.

I said “so why are you running?”

“I’m going home to get them for her”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

Before I met my wife I always felt incomplete

Now I’m finished

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

I’ve met the CEO of r/antiwork

His name is Skip Jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I met a girl with 12 breasts.

Friend: That sounds strange..

Me: Dozen tit?

Transylvanian vampires

There is this annoying stereotype that Transylvanians are vampires. It's complete BS. I've never met one, and I've been around for centuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun gets out of bed

she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”

The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wron...

I met a rabbit chanting a mantra of peace and consciousness.

"*Hare* Krishna"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

I met a girl in the pub

We talked, we laughed, we drank.

We got each other's phone number. We left the pub, said bye to each other. It was late at night, so I told her to call me when she got home.

It's been a week now, I never got a call from her...

She must be a homeless

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my wife at the zoo...

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

I met my girlfriend at the zoo and immediately fell in love with her and how she looked after the animals

She's a keeper

I don't flirt with nuns very often...

... but now that I've met Sister Ruth, I'm confident I'd enjoy getting into the habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

I met an old friend yesterday

He moved a couple of years back and I could clearly tell he had changed. His voice had changed and he had a cheap deodorant. He used to allways wear those expensive collones. We were talking for a good while, life in general and how we were doing, but the entire conversation I couldn't wrap my head ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celebrating woman

I went out last night and met a nice woman.

She was very bubbly and kept excitedly saying 21 today, 21 today.

We got on very well and one thing led to another and we ended up at my place and had great sex.

After we had finished she looked at me and said excitedly 22 today, 22...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Katy Perry and Queen Elizabeth ended up at heaven's Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Katy if there was some particular reason why she should go ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more.

They're neck and neck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Once I was almost in love with a psychic

She left me before we met.

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

I met a man on a bridge getting ready to jump.

I said "Wait, friend. Don't jump. Don't you have faith in the Lord?"

The man paused and said "Yes. I do have faith in the Lord."

I said "I'm a Christian." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a protestant." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a Lutheran." He said "Me too."

I sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a small dick met a shaman

He said 'I have a small dick and I am about to go on a date with this lady, how can I make it big?'

The Shaman said 'Before you meet her, dip your penis in a cup of tea, it shall get big'

A day later, the man meets with the shaman again 'I tried doing it and my dick did get long, but i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.