I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

I met a girl in a bar.

“Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.”

A few...

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and da...

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

I met Darth Vader’s wife at the mall yesterday.

Nice gal, her names’s Ella.

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A man and a woman met in a bar.

They went for a walk and the guy was about to ask her to be his girlfriend, but she said, "I have to pee." He responds, "okay go behind those bushes."

He hears her pull her pants down and can't control himself. He runs to the bushes and reaches in to touch her. He touches her leg and slowly g...

Did you hear about the flatulent Egyptians that met on Tinder?

They had TOOT in common.

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

I met a very unnatractive girl recently and she likes to send pics

It goes without saying that I'm going to have to be the bearer of bad nudes.

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

Two men from two separate States met at a restaurant and found that both have left homes in search of their missing wives.

First: How does your wife look, her identity?




Second: She is 5'9", slim, extremely beautiful and always smiling. What about yours?




First: Forget about mine. Come, let's search yours....

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

Two honeydew melons in a patch had just met, but immediately fell madly in love with each other.

One of the melons came from a strict and abusive family, and desparately wanted to get married. The other melon loved her so much, that he went to the father's patch to ask his permission to marry.

"Sir, I am in love with your daughter, and I wish to marry her. Do I have your permission?", th...

When I was 15yo, I had met a couple by the name of John and Jane Doe and I thought that was the wildest coincidence ever.

Cut to a few months ago, I'm now 35 and I'm thinking about John and Jane Doe.

And I'm like, I bet they were lying to me about that.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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So this amputee girl I met on Tinder invited me to a party with her other amputee girlfriends.

The place was crawling with pussy.

I met my ex on a racetrack...

...We drifted apart.

Have you ever met someone who always has to 1-up your story?

If you think that's bad, I knew this one guy...

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

Before swine met Jesus, what was it?

Swater

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Met a girl who raised bees

She was a keeper.

My friends said she was no good for me. At first I denied it, but I caught her cheating and now I'm a bee-leaver

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

What do you get when you cross Big Bang Theory, 2 and a half men and How I met your mother?

How I banged your mother with 2 and a half men

I met a Karen once...

She was Burnett

I met a 60 years old lady last night at the pub..

She looked marvellous for her years. I wondered how beautiful her daughter must be. After having a few drinks, she came up to me and asked "Have you ever been with a mother and a daughter at the same time?"


"Can't say I have," I replied excitedly.


She winked at me and whispered...

I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

I met a mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers

He would stop at nothing to avoid them

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it.

I thought, "That's Abbariginal"

I met a girl at a date auction and fell madly in love.

But our love was for biddin'.

I met a girl named Ruth

When she left me, I became Ruthless

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I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I was gently stroking a woman I had just met.

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feel...

I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice

He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it

I met an Australian guy who works in IT.

I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

I met Jesus's personal trainer the other day

He was making a pretty big prophet

I met a woman who warned me not to approach Dio.

If I did, he would stop time and flatten me with a steamroller.

I decided to ignore her and challenge him anyways.

As I lay there dying on the ground, I take solace knowing that the woman is laughing at me in such a way that she looks just as stupid as I do.

TL;DR... I'm no all-...

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I met a beautiful girl in bangkok.

I was at that bar in bangkok and saw this beautiful girl. She looked at me with that amazing smile and all i could think of was "dont get a boner, dont get a boner" - but she still got one :(

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

A priest dies and goes to heaven and is met by Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gives him a wooden staff and a cotton robe and he is allowed in.

As he goes in, he sees a taxi cab driver talking to peter, and Peter gives the taxi cab a gold staff and a silk robe, so the priest goes back to peter and asks.

"Hey, what gives? I did God's work, how come he...

I met an amazing girl on Tinder

Her name is Catherine Fisher

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

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I once met a guy with a cashew fetish.

He was fucking nuts.

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

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I met a Pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and eye patch

I asked how he lost his leg?

He replied: Arrrg I fought off a shark but he got me good leg

I then asked him how he lost his hand?

He replied: Me Captain cut it off for not sharing the plunder with me mates

I then asked well how did you lose your eye?

He replied: A ...

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TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.

Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

I met with my date at the bar last night.

She was a wearing a new dress made of carpet and she asked me if I liked it.

"It's gorgeous," I said "but it would look a lot better on my bedroom floor."

Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.

He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’

He replie...

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Two roman centurions met up while on the road.

A roman centurion remarked to another: "Guess how women many I had sex with?"

Second roman centurion: "mmm"

First centurion: "Jeez not that many!"

I once met the man that invented windowsills

What a ledge

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

I met this girl while I was in prison.

She’s my Guantanamo Bae.

I just met my high school English teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was and it made me sad because..

.. I was her favorite student and was homeschooled.

I met a girl who told me that she is an autism specialist.

Turns out she works at Gamestop.

I'll never forget the first time I met my clone.





I was beside myself with joy.

When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

Have you met Eric? He's a genie. He's not special or anything.

He's just Djinn Eric.

Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend?

No, I've never met herbivore.

I once met an Ewok with no parents.

He was an Endorphin.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

I've met Jesus!

His English needs work, but his Spanish is flawless.

I met a tribe of cannibals with the worst table manners...

No matter how hard they tried, somebody’s elbows were on the table.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

Before I met my wife I was incomplete

Now I'm finished

I met this computer scientist chick. Really ugly.

She was like a 10.

In a bar, an American, an Italian, a Turkish and an Indian met.

After a few pegs, they started discussing about the great things their respective nations produced.

American: "We are proud of our CIA. They know everything that is going around the world, often even before it happens".

Italian: "We are proud of our women. They are the most beautiful ...

I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

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I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:



It was the chicken.

Well, i met with a dyslexic satanist

that sold his soul to Santa.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I finally met someone who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

We’re going on a date next week...

A man died and met God in Heaven

The man asked God.
Man: God is it true that a million years to you is just like one second?

God: Yes

Man: God is it also true that a million dollars is just like one cent to you?

God: Yes.

Man: So can I please have a million dollars

God: Sure thing! Just ...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Went fishing with a girl I met at the bar.

Caught gonorrhea

A man met a beautiful woman at a bar

They were hitting it off and enjoying each other's company. Then, the woman asked if he wanted her to show him a good time. The man instantly said yes.

After they left the bar, the woman instantly sprinted 100 meters under 9 seconds.

The woman said : "How was that, was it a good time?...

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So, I was at a bar, and I met a girl who told me she was into fetishes... (NSFW)

She said she liked kinky sex and fetishes, and I told her I was into fetishes and stuff. We talk for a while longer and after a few more drinks, we ended up at her apartment. She told me to get comfortable while she went to the bathroom to change into something more "fun". As she came out of the b...

I met a dyslexic girl that told me she was into poetry.

She made me the nicest clay flower pot.

I met Seal once.

I told him I loved his music, and he was all "Arf arf arf arf arf arf!"

Donald Trump recently met with Kim Jong-un

"It was very informative. I didn't understand everything this fat and delusive statesman was babbling about but I think I could learn a lot from his cruel camps", Kim Jong-un was quoted.

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Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

I met Michael Jackson once when I was 9 years old

It was a touching experience.

What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?

Uzi?

I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want...

Guess who has gone fishing.

I would be the most ignorant person you have ever met

And I would never know about it

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Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intellig...

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

I met a guy who said he loved Metallica.

He claimed he knew every song. I played some Metallica and he couldn’t tell me what it was.


He was really just a king nothing.

I once met a deer who could write with both hands.

It was Bambidextrous.

Two old ladies met up in town

Hello Mavis, did you come on the bus?

I did yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack

I met a girl at a bar

After a few drinks we end up back at her place, she said she likes it kinky and wanted me to tie her up to the bed, so she gets naked and I tie her arms and legs to the bed, she looked at me and said, "now you can do anything you want!"

So I stole her TV

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I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her.

I told her: "No hard feelings".

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

Murphy met Sharon at his bar one night.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Murphy to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.


Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to ...

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I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.

I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we c...

I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet.

I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

I met a guy from the Middle East after a marathon

I asked him if he walked it.
No, he said, Iran.

My girlfriend and I met at an outdoor party.

You could say that fête brought us together.

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

One day, a vampire met God.

God granted him 3 wishes.

Vampire said, “well, always wearing black is too boring, I’d like to be all white. Then, I want to have wings. It feels weird to fly without wings. And most importantly, I want to be able to suck blood all the time.”

So God turned him into a sanitary pad.

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Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together

The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other

[NSFW] Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said with a Wispa.

‘I’m Marathon, the one with the nuts’ he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped hi...

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I FINALLY met my Mr. Right...

I just wish someone would have told me is first name is Always...

So I met this girl on Tinder

We get to texting and seems that both me and her are making many spelling errors. I guess you could say she’s exactly my type.

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