I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

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I met a lovely lady last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me
if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."

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Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish,

I only had 3 choices:

First was a better memory.

Second was a larger penis.

Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.

Two cats met at a river bank to cross the river. One was named One-Two-Three, the other was named Un-Deux-Trois.

Unfortunately, only One-Two-Three cat made it across. Un-Deux-Trois cat sank.

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

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What did Samuel L. Jackson say when he met Oedipus?

'What's up, motherfucker?'

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I also met my girlfriend at a zoo like u/moosekila

She was beautiful, but she was behind bars, now I am.



I know this joke is shit, but she was throwing hers

I met my wife while we working at the same museum

I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.

I’m not buying it.

I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes.

I haven’t seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper

She was wearing massive gloves

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

I don't get why people are upset that some people with the same name met and hung out.

After all, they were just Joshing.

My girlfriend asked me last night if she was still as pretty as the day we met. I said of course! She frowned and said “You have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I was as happy with her as ever. I said of course! She said again “you have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I still wanted to be with her and only her. I said as long as her sister is still in a relationship.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been *that* honest.

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3 boys met a genie on a cliff

The genie promise them each a wish.

They are to shout out their wish while they jump down the cliff. The further they can jump, the more they will get from their wish.

The first boy ran and jumped while shouting "Money!!"
As he landed on the ground, a load of money fell from the sk...

Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.

He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:

Ah still love Vista baby...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

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A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

Today I met someone who never finishes his proverbs.

It’s very irritating to talk to him, but you know what they say,

What happened when the brown chicken met the brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.

“Would I? Would I?” he yells excitedly.

In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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When I met my wife

She asked me If I had sex with a Brazilian woman.

I told her “Probably. How many is a Brazilian?”

I met an evil glassblower the other day...

They made the most vial creations.

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.

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I met my wife at the zoo.

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

Met this guy at a bar last night and said

Man you remind me of my little toe. I’m gonna smash you on the coffee table later.

I’ll see myself out.

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

I recently met a girl from Jerusalem

She Israeli cute!

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

I Met a Fellow Who Wore Green, and Had Stolen a Pot of Gold.

Turns out he was a Leprechaun-vict.

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I met a really nice girl on a first date.

Her: I bathe in milk, can you go to the shop and get some please.

Me: Pasteurized.?

Her: No just up to my tits will be fine...

I met my future wife today!

My present wife isn't happy

I met the most beautiful girl at the Covid testing location the other day

She left me breathless

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

Today I met my favorite celebrity at work.

It sucks working in a morgue

I just met a dog that was trained to help blind people

Apparently he’s blinded three already.

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were

It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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I met a dyslexic sapiosexual today

They said they were very attracted to my brian.

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I met this girl the other day and she

tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it's at about this time ...

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I met a fairy today that granted me one wish

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant those type of wishes."

"Fine" I said, "I want to die only after the last repost has been made in /r/jokes!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Two guys who just met at a training class are driving through the city looking for a place to have lunch.

The guy driving is running every red light. The other guy is starting to freak out and says, "Dude?! What the hell are you doing going through those red lights??" The guy driving says, "Its okay, my brother in law does it all the time." The passenger says, "Well its not okay with me, let me out up h...

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband...

Met this girl with 12 nipples today...

Sounds weird, dozen tit

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

I met a man in the park with a wooden leg named Smith.

I asked him what his other leg was called.

So I met a girl at the bar

Nothing really interesting about her. Her hair was on fire, yeah.

In my opinion she was really selfish. It was all about *her.*



"Help *me"*

"Put *me* out."

"*I'm* not joking *I'm* on fire."

"*I'm* dying."

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

I met an extroverted Norwegian the other day.

The whole conversation he was staring at my shoes and not his own.

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

After trying to fall asleep for a few hours, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

I met the most amazing and beautiful North African girl tonight and we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

Met a hooker who said she’d do anything for $100.

Guess who’s getting their front porch re-done!

This guy I met on the bus was bragging about his wife.

He proudly says "See this picture of my wife, she is gorgeous".

So I tell him "Well, you should see my wife"

He replies "Why, is your wife pretty too"?

To which I reply "No, she's an optometrist"

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

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I just met the most arrogant contortionist ever!

He was so far up his own arse!

I was at a Mets game and my girlfriend wanted to get a little dirty, so she started fumbling around my pants

She said “am I gettin close?”
And I told her “oh you’re in the ballpark”

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

What do you called a mentally challenged freshwater fish that has never met it’s father?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Basstard

What do you call a date with a blind person you’ve never met?

A double-blind date

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

I met the world's riches fisherman today

"What's your net worth?" I asked.

"This one was about £10" he replied.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was suprised about this

It was a four gone conclusion

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

I once met a man who’s name was Professor Palindrome

It wasn’t until he told me his real name that I understood the meaning. His real name was Professor Ross Eforp.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

I met a lot of Australians recently

They are very unique folk. They are obsessed with eye color. Mine are, apparently, very amazing. Whenever I meet one, for whatever reason, the first thing they always say is "good eye."

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I met a man who claimed he was constipated

I think he was full of shit.

I met an exotic dancer the other night...

Pretty cool, I've never known anyone from Iowa before.

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Once I met a guy with a micropenis

He was really nice.
I guess you could say he wasn’t a big dick

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in one day for an x-ray.

I wonder what she saw in him...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

I met a girl named Nobody

I told her people have said she’s loved me since the day I was born.

Today I met a girl named Adobe

So I asked her who came first? The company or her father

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I c...

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

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I once met a Wizard who offered me the choice of a long penis or a long memory.

I forget which one I chose.

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

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A man met a woman at a bar and she invited him home

Once there, they head straight to her bedroom. The guy sees her shelves are covered with stuffed animals. It seems a little weird, but he thinks maybe she didn't get many of them when she was younger, and now she's making up for it. Regardless, they jump in bed together.

After sex, the guy...

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.


She turned out to be an undercover detective.


How cool is that at her age?!

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I met a man

I met a man today . He said his name was dave ,but to call him dick! I said "how do you get dick from dave?" He said "ask nicely"

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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NSFW A Welsh coal miner is met at the door by his obviously angry wife....

when he arrives still drunk from the weekend on Sunday morning.

She asked him: "Did you not get paid Friday for working all month?"

He replies (with a belch): That I did, my lovely woman!"

She glares back at him, "And how much of that month's pay do you have left?"

Barely...

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I met a Chaturbate model a few days ago

Her parents are both poor but she comes from money.

I once met a T-rex who was working at a casino.

He said he was hiding out from the cops.

I think he was a small arms dealer.

I met the woman of my dreams!

She's imaginary.

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

I met a fish from the future and asked him what his favourite genre of music was. He answered,

"Future Bass"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elephant and a Camel met for the first time..

Elephant: Yo, why do you have titties on your back?

Camel: Hahaha, it's better than having a dick on my face!

I met a old guy, he’s been married 60 years. I asked “how did you do it”...

He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

A 65 year old man is met by a genie

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.

The man says “I wish for a wife 30 years younger!”


So the genie made him 90.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies:
"Yes, with the tip of my finger"

"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"

The next sister approached St Peter and He made the s...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

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