UPJOKE
kelleyryanclarkmurphythompsonwilsonadamswilliamsevansmitchellharrisstewartharrisonjenkinsroberts

Kelly Jokes

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.
upvote downvote report

R Kelly likes his women like he likes his scotch

12 years old and mixed up with coke
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

What's the difference between greyhound racing and R Kelly..?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.
upvote downvote report

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.
upvote downvote report

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's
upvote downvote report

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.
upvote downvote report

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.
upvote downvote report

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly sentenced to another 20 years…

Bet he’s pissed.

I was playing bingo with R. Kelly...

Apparently B 13 is his favorite number
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of sexual assault

Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Why didn't R. Kelly catch Covid?

R. Kelly would have caught Covid if it were younger. But fortunately for him. Covid is 19.
upvote downvote report

R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.
upvote downvote report

What chord must you play to get R. Kelly's attention?

B-minor.


I will see myself out.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

What did R. Kelly say to a new girl he met?

Urine for a treat
upvote downvote report

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist
upvote downvote report

R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence

He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .
upvote downvote report

If R. Kelly was a computer file...

He'd be a .pdf file
upvote downvote report

Why don’t R Kelly wins races?

Because he is always coming a little behind.
upvote downvote report

My Mum is R.Kellys Biggest Fan

Mum: “I really love R.Kelly, he’s ahead of the game”

Me: “Yeah, his music is fantastic, I just hate him as a person, I can’t believe all the disgusting things he’s done”

Mum: “he’s a musician?”
upvote downvote report

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens
upvote downvote report

R. Kelly has caught covid-19

though he would prefer covid-15
upvote downvote report

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did" Kelly said, “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in y...
upvote downvote report

Kelly and Ron

Kelly: A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays two days, and comes back on Friday. How is this possible?
Ron: The horse’s name is Friday, right?
Kelly: Correct, my good neigh-bor
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that R Kelly criticised Justin Bieber's music.

He pissed off a lot of little girls.

What’s the difference between R. Kelly and a small fencing sword?

One is a little rapier.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

R. Kelly went from being trapped in a closet to being trapped in a courtroom.

Can’t wait for the sequel, trapped in a jail cell.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R. Kelly has made a song denying any sexual misconduct charges that lasts 19 minutes.

Which is unusual because he usually insists on 18 or under.

R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19

Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though.
upvote downvote report

How do you say R. Kelly in Korean??

So-Young Poon
upvote downvote report

I lost a bet over what would happen to R. Kelly. He got 25 to life but

I believed he would fry
upvote downvote report

R.kelly says the recent accusations have ruined his relationship with his kids.

They must have been crushed to hear hes cheating on them.
upvote downvote report

What is R. Kelly’s favorite band?

Alice In Chains.
upvote downvote report

Why wouldn’t R. Kelly make a good blackjack dealer?

He hits on 17
upvote downvote report

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into t...
upvote downvote report

I asked R Kelly if he thought I was pretty.

He said "you're an eight"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do R. Kelly fans and Mormons have in common?

They both defend sexual predators.

Have you heard the Irish joke about R. Kelly?

It won’t take much time; it’s only a wee joke.
upvote downvote report

Why should kids never have been allowed near R Kelly?

Well he ain’t PG13 Kelly, is he?
upvote downvote report

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor
upvote downvote report

What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?

They're both in the teens.
upvote downvote report

My brother came up to me and asked if I knew what they say to Cosby's victims, he said "Stay woke". I asked what about R. Kelly's victims?

"Grow up"
upvote downvote report

What's R. Kelly's Wifi Password?

WiBelieveICanFi
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't R Kelly have money to post bail?

Because he pissed it all away.

What is R. Kelly's favorite sandwich?

P&BJ
upvote downvote report

What is the difference between a pirate and R. Kelly?

Pirates go for big booty
upvote downvote report

Who does R Kelly blame his current legal troubles on?

His body...

His mind was telling him no, but his body, his body was telling him yeeeehhhss.
upvote downvote report

R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.
upvote downvote report

What does R. Kelly have in common with Malaysian Airlines?

They both think they can fly.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear that Fergie and R. Kelly are collaborating on a new album?

They are calling their group the Black Guy Pees.
upvote downvote report

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a party with R. Kelly and Michael Jackson always have?

Hee hee and Pee pee.

You sick fucks.

What kind of pirate pees on you?

Rrrrrrrr Kelly
upvote downvote report

What does R Kelly call people below him?

Peons.
upvote downvote report

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
upvote downvote report

When CBS interviewed R. Kelly, he claimed "I love my kids"

However, he seems to also be in love with other people's kids as well
upvote downvote report

What did the FBI agent say to R Kelly upon his arrest?

Urine trouble now!
upvote downvote report

How does R. Kelly respond when girls ask for a rating on a ten scale?

Urinate
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you piss off everyone who knows Megyn Kelly today?

Dress up as Blackface Santa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between the Wrights brothers and R Kelly?

The Wrights brothers knew under the right circumstances and with the right vehicle design, they could fly.

R kelly pisses on 15 yr old girls.

so I hear r Kelly's music has been removed from Spotify for hate content

when asked what he thought of this he said. ''if I could turn back the hands of time,....
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

I ran into R. Kelly while he was filling out a March Madness bracket.

He was picking primarily the 14s and 15s.

Turns out he’s really into #1 too.
upvote downvote report

Astronaut Scot Kelly grew 2 inches after being in space for a year

You'd think they'd be doing more important stuff in space other than measuring their weenies.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does R.Kelly end a joke?

Ba dum *piss*

From now on instead of saying #1 or #2 for the bathroom

I'm going to call it an R. Kelly or Amber Heard
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what's the main difference between r.kelly and your average redditor?

there are some things r.kelly can't piss all over.

An Irish joke from Murphy (Best read drunk)

Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years.

Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Ke...
upvote downvote report

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...
upvote downvote report

A great joke for a date (Also, my first post)

So a man, Bill takes a young lady, Kelly, on a date. He decides to take her to the carnival. Upon asking what she wants to do, Kelly says, "I want to get weighed."

A bit confused, the man takes her to the weighing station, where the man gets her weight right on the third guess.

Havin...
upvote downvote report

An Irish boys confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputatio...
upvote downvote report

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...
upvote downvote report

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information