So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

What did one bored Baker say to the other?

You knead to have fun.

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

Did you hear about the French baker whose bakery collapsed on him?

He was in a great deal of pain.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

I went to the bakers and asked why are all your cake 50p and this one is £1? He replied...

This is madeira cake

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Why did all the ladies love the local baker?

He was making that bread

How Does A German Baker Say Hello?

Gluten tag!

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

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Good bakers use real butter..

So that there is no margarine for error.

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

Why did the baker quit making doughnuts?

He was fed up with the hole business!

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

A young man has finished his first shift as a baker

When he comes home his dad asks him, "Have you earned any dough?"

The oldest joke in the book

Repost of a million people;
Once, there was a baker and a bipedal rabbit.
The rabbit goes into the baker’s shop and asks if they have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker says no.
Later that week, the rabbit goes back and asks if they now have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker still says...

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

In addition to being a pacifist, Gandhi was a baker.

Because of this, he made a lot of Naan-violence.

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

Where do the best bakers in the city live?

The yeast end.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

A Math Joke

The mathematician says, “Pi r squared.”

The baker replies, “No, pies are round. Cakes are square.”

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One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy with a speech problem goes shopping.

(Sorry in advance for grammar mistakes)


There was a young boy with a speech problem, so he used to say words incorrectly.

One day, his mother asked him to go to the shops to get a bun, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel. So he went to the baker and says "Can I have a bum please?"
...

What did the baker say to the rapper?

"You can't have your cake and yeet it too."

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

When I was a kid, my dad used to show me all kinds of pain

He was a French baker.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

A man needed some money to start a business so tried to find a partner

He went to the butcher, and he said no.

He went to the farmer, and he said no.

Finally, he went to the baker, who said, "You knead some dough?"

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

Why did the baker ask for money?

He kneaded the dough

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

What's the worst part about dating a baker?

When he leaves you on bread

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

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