Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

I used to date a baker

Had to bread up with her, she was too kneady and only in it for the dough.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

I once dated a baker...

but found her too kneady.

What do a gastroenterologist and a baker have in common?

They both get to stick their hands in cake.

Hipster bakers...

It's a rising trend.

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

Why was the baker the best soldier in the army?

Cuz he went in buns blazing

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Baker girlfriend has 13 breasts. Sounds Weird?

Dozen tit?

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If surnames like Baker or Potter originate from ancestral occupation...

**then what the hell were the Dickinson's up to?**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

I know a redheaded baker. I call him...

...the ginger bread man.

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

A baker heard someone scream from inside his oven as he lit a fire to get it going.

Looking inside, he saw that it was his assistant and helped him out. He then asked "What the hell were you doing in there!? You would have gotten baked!", to which the assistant replied "That's what I was trying to do, until you started the fire!"

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

||||
|:-|:-|:-|
||||

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

ive made the decision to become a baker

i just really knead the dough

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baking one cake doesn’t make you a baker...

But if you fuck ONE horse...

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Why was the Indian baker not concerned about his bread?

It was a naan issue

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

...

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

Why was the German baker upset about his third cake of the day?

It was a little drei!

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"


"No, because you're fat as fuck"

An Indian baker was making a big deal about his bread...

...turns out it was a na'an issue.

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?

He got tired of the hole thing!

Where do bakers pick up their hookers?

The breadlight district

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

I want to be a baker

My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.



I was bread for this.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

If you're looking for a well paying job, I'd suggest looking into becoming a baker.

I've heard they make a lot of dough.

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

What is a baker's favorite joke?

A cinnamon pun.

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.