So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

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Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

What did the baker say to the dough?

All rise

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

What did the ambitious baker with a speech impediment say to his young apprentice?

Nothing whisked, nothing gained.

What do a gastroenterologist and a baker have in common?

They both get to stick their hands in cake.

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

What did the baker say to the rapper?

"You can't have your cake and yeet it too."

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

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If surnames like Baker or Potter originate from ancestral occupation...

**then what the hell were the Dickinson's up to?**

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

Why was the baker the best soldier in the army?

Cuz he went in buns blazing

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

I know a redheaded baker. I call him...

...the ginger bread man.

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

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Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

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What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

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Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

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Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

The little bunny.

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

The next day the little ...

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

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Baking one cake doesn’t make you a baker...

But if you fuck ONE horse...

As the old baker's proverb goes...

You doughn't know what you've got til it's scone...

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

Why was the Indian baker not concerned about his bread?

It was a naan issue

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

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"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"


"No, because you're fat as fuck"

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

What did the Jamaican baker call his best friend?

Breadrin

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Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

Why was the German baker upset about his third cake of the day?

It was a little drei!

What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

Where do bakers pick up their hookers?

The breadlight district

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

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The surnames of England

The surnames of England will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher rega...

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

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