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Baker Jokes

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

I used to be a baker...

...but I couldn't make enough dough.

A friend of mine knows I'm a baker and asked for a cake as a wedding present

I told him I can't do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough...

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

What's the first thing a baker does in the morning?

Wake and Bake

The city's top donut baker announced his retirement today

Apparently he'd grown tired of the hole business.

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

My brother was bragging about being a baker...

But it didn't bother me at all.

I don't have anything to prove.

What did the Baker say when he hit his head?

D’OH!

Did you hear about the baker living his best life?

He kneads to do more

Did you hear about the baker that got arrested?

He spent a dozen weeks in custardy

Never make fun of an Italian baker

Or he'll kick the focaccia.

I said hello to a German Baker the other day

He said, "Gluten Tag!"

What is a baker’s favorite song by “The Cars”?

“Just What I Kneaded”

How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation?

“I’m in bread.”

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

You hear about the French baker who fell into his mixer while it was full of dough.

He was in a lot of pain.

Why couldn’t the baker come in to work?

He just wasn’t in the right bread-space.

Sherlock Holmes returned to 221B Baker Street

He was carrying a box of lemons in his arms.

When Doctor Watson saw the box, he asked "Well where did those come from?"


And Holmes answered "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Why does the baker rarely get into arguments?

He's a loafer, not a fighter.

A baker trainee is learning how to make bread.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: 'How do I know it no longer needs kneading?' 'As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat', the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.
'No, not yet.'

Why was the baker so miserable?

He lost the custardy battle.

Heard of the baker who fell in love with unbaked bread?

Asked about their love, he replies “this here is all I knead”

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Why the Baker went out of business...

- The turnover was disappointing
- His investors all wanted a slice of the pie
- The price of yeast wouldn't stop rising
- Customers said his service staff were too tarte
- His bakery business model became stale
- He tried to get another loan but the bank manager said " there Cannoli ...

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

Why was the baker so good with their finances?

They had a lot of practice working with dough.

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

l knead you.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

Since it's my cake day, I asked the Baker for 2 cubed loaves of cake.

They gave me 8. (8 year Cake Day).

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Sorry sorry. Bad one.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

What did the Umpire say to the Baker after throwing the cake mix into the air?

"Badder Up!"

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".

The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

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"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"


"No, because you're fat as fuck"

How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

What did Raichu say to the baker?

Rye Chew

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

What would happen if 221b Baker Street were to be suddenly demolished?

Sherlock would be Holmeless.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

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