Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

Why couldn't the baker pay their bills?

They ran out of dough.

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger breadman.

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

What is a masochist French baker's biggest passion?

Pain!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

What is a German bakers favorite game?

Gluten tag

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

Why shouldn’t you get in a fight with an Italian baker?

Because he’ll beat the focaccia.

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Sorry sorry. Bad one.

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

I loved my job as a baker!

It was a piece of cake...

Why did the baker bake more bread?

Because he was needing dough.

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

there is no margarine for error.

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

What do you call a very bad baker who gets distracted by trumpets

A Chet Baker

Why do bakers always go to heaven?

Because the cake is the best way to get karma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

Why did the baker stop making donuts

He got tired of the HOLE business

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 2nd Grade Teacher's Class

A 2nd grade teacher is having a class one day and she says to the kids in the room "Class, today we are going to find out what your dad's do for a living. I want you to say what he does, spell it and if he were here today what he would do for us."

Mary, jumps up and raises her hand quickly, s...

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

What do you call a group of racist bakers?

The cake cake cake

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

Why did all the ladies love the local baker?

He was making that bread

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

What did Raichu say to the baker?

Rye Chew

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

Did you hear about the French baker whose bakery collapsed on him?

He was in a great deal of pain.

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

He asks the baker "is that a cake or a meringue"

The baker replies "Nah, you're right mate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Did you hear about the French baker who fell into the bread mixer and no one noticed?

He's in quite a lot of pain.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

Where do the best bakers in the city live?

The yeast end.

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

The baker

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

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