Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

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Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

I know a redheaded baker. I call him...

...the ginger bread man.

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

What would happen if 221b Baker Street were to be suddenly demolished?

Sherlock would be Holmeless.

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

Why was the baker the best soldier in the army?

Cuz he went in buns blazing

What did the baker say to the rapper?

"You can't have your cake and yeet it too."

What do a gastroenterologist and a baker have in common?

They both get to stick their hands in cake.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

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If surnames like Baker or Potter originate from ancestral occupation...

**then what the hell were the Dickinson's up to?**

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

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Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

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What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

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Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

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Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

The little bunny.

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

The next day the little ...

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

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Baking one cake doesn’t make you a baker...

But if you fuck ONE horse...

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

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"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"


"No, because you're fat as fuck"

My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Why was the Indian baker not concerned about his bread?

It was a naan issue

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

I've written some jokes

But I gotta say the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake

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Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

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The surnames of England

The surnames of England will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher rega...

I want to be a baker

My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.



I was bread for this.

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

An Indian baker was making a big deal about his bread...

...turns out it was a na'an issue.

Why was the German baker upset about his third cake of the day?

It was a little drei!

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Where do bakers pick up their hookers?

The breadlight district

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

An Englishman and a Frenchman are going to the market

On their last stop for food, they decide to purchase some bread from a local baker.

Suddenly, the bread stand falls on the Englishman and injures him severely.

He yells out, intensely, “The pain!!”

Then the Frenchman yells just as loudly “ Le pain!!”

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

What is a baker's favorite joke?

A cinnamon pun.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

If you're looking for a well paying job, I'd suggest looking into becoming a baker.

I've heard they make a lot of dough.

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