What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

Why did the baker quit making doughnuts?

He was fed up with the hole business!

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

How does the German baker greet his customers ?

Gluten Morgen

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Cos he kneaded a shit.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

A young man has finished his first shift as a baker

When he comes home his dad asks him, "Have you earned any dough?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good bakers use real butter..

So that there is no margarine for error.

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneeded a poo.

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Did you hear about the French baker who fell into the bread mixer and no one noticed?

He's in quite a lot of pain.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

What did the baker say to his girlfriend?

Doughs before hoes.

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

In addition to being a pacifist, Gandhi was a baker.

Because of this, he made a lot of Naan-violence.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

Where do the best bakers in the city live?

The yeast end.

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

What would happen if 221b Baker Street were to be suddenly demolished?

Sherlock would be Holmeless.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

What did the baker say to the rapper?

"You can't have your cake and yeet it too."

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

Little Henry’s father

Little Henry was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thi...

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

Hipster bakers...

It's a rising trend.

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad with 3 daughters is preparing for his youngest daughter's 18th birthday

The dad being a cheap man every time one of his daughters turns 18 went to a baker that had a sale

"free cake and pie for girls turning 18"

The day after the party the dad asked his daughter about the pie, since he didn't see it anywhere, his daughter hadn't seen the pie either.
...

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A Glaswegian walked in to a bakery

He points to a cake and asks the baker, "is that a cake or meringue?" The baker replies "no, you're right, it is a cake"

What's the worst part about dating a baker?

When he leaves you on bread

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Lahore, Pakistan.

As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
...

My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

When he gets there, he is perplexed and confused to see everyone aggressively whipping eggs, and mixing flour and batter.


He looks around and finds an entire section specially reserved for decoration, with elaborate arrangements of strawberries, frosting and tiering that would have done...

ive made the decision to become a baker

i just really knead the dough

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

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