A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

Why did the baker fire his assistant?

Because he was too kneady.

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My Baker girlfriend has 13 breasts. Sounds Weird?

Dozen tit?

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

You should never date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

The baker

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

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If surnames like Baker or Potter originate from ancestral occupation...

**then what the hell were the Dickinson's up to?**

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Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

How does a German greet a baker in the morning?

Gluten Morgan.

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

What do you call a red headed Baker?

A ginger breadman

Why did the baker have brown hands??

He kneaded a poo

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

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Slow Jimmy is slightly developmentally disabled, but he is a great baker.

One day his childhood friend Rachel comes into his bakery, hand in hand with another woman.

Rachel says, "Hi Jimmy, I'd like to introduce you to my fiancee who's also named Rachel. I've told her all about you and we'd love you to make our wedding cake."

Jimmy answers, "I'm not comfo...

A man walks in a bakery

in which the baker has only one hand. The customer see the baker rolls out the pizza dough on his chest because he has only one hand. So the surprised customer asks:" Damn, is this the way you make the pizza?", the bakery answers:"Oh man, you didn't see how i make donuts!"

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What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

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Baking one cake doesn’t make you a baker...

But if you fuck ONE horse...

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

My great Grandpa was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

Why was the Indian baker not concerned about his bread?

It was a naan issue

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

What did the Jamaican baker call his best friend?

Breadrin

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in each hand?

Ambidextrose

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Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

...

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

Why was the German baker upset about his third cake of the day?

It was a little drei!

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"Is your father a baker?"

"Why, because I have hot buns?"


"No, because you're fat as fuck"

What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough

An Indian baker was making a big deal about his bread...

...turns out it was a na'an issue.

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

My friends bakery burned down last night

Now his business is toast

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

Where do bakers pick up their hookers?

The breadlight district

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

I want to be a baker

My great grandfather was a baker, my grandfather was a baker and my dad was a baker.



I was bread for this.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened...

"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."

If you're looking for a well paying job, I'd suggest looking into becoming a baker.

I've heard they make a lot of dough.

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

What is a baker's favorite joke?

A cinnamon pun.

Why do bread bakers go to work every day?

They knead the dough.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?

He got tired of the hole thing!

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

2 Original depressed baker jokes

Did you hear about the depressed baker who threw himself into his own oven?
Colleagues said it was a final act of self-loafing.

Did you hear about the depressed baker who went on a killing spree?
Witnesses said he came out all buns glazing.

What's a baker's favorite video game?

Red Bread Ryedemption

Why did the German baker call the police?

Everything in his bakery was stollen

A baker was training his protege in the kitchen.

The protege gets hungry and starts eating some dough he found on the counter. The baker gets mad and yells, "Hey! I kneaded that!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female baker

A kneady bitch

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