UPJOKE
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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads...

The topic was a naan-starter.

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

How does a German baker greet his costumers?

Gluten tag

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Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street...

...with a basket of lemons.

Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?

To which Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson."

There was a French baker whose bakery collapsed on him..

He was in a lot of pain.

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger breadman.

Since it's my cake day, I asked the Baker for 2 cubed loaves of cake.

They gave me 8. (8 year Cake Day).

A baker was putting pies in an oven. The first pie says to the other "It's kinda hot in here."

The second pie says "AAHHH A TALKING PIE!"

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

. . .
there is no margarine for error.

Why couldn't the baker pay their bills?

They ran out of dough.

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

Why are bakers great at baseball?

They make the best batters

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Sorry sorry. Bad one.

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

What do a bad baker and most male deer have in common?

They struggle to make a donut

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Spelling

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My d...

Why did the baker bake more bread?

Because he was needing dough.

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

I loved my job as a baker!

It was a piece of cake...

Oldest cake joke

A rabbit visits a bakery and asks if they make carrot cake.

The baker says they don't, so the rabbit buys a key lime pie.

This repeats several days until the baker is sick of it and decides to try making one.

The next time the rabbit enters, the baker proudly tells that they do ...

What do you call a very bad baker who gets distracted by trumpets

A Chet Baker

Why did the baker stop making donuts

He got tired of the HOLE business

Cake

Went into a new bakers today where all the cakes were 50p.
Noticed one cake, however, that cost £1
Asked the baker why?…

…’Oh, that’s Madeira cake’




Not my joke, but my favourite cake joke for my cake day!

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake - entirely free.

That man is like me. He's lonely, but at least he got some cake!

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why did all the ladies love the local baker?

He was making that bread

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

Why do bakers always go to heaven?

Because the cake is the best way to get karma.

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

Why are artisan bakeries so expensive?

Because the bakers knead the dough..

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

What do you call a group of racist bakers?

The cake cake cake

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

A baker decided to bake some muffins the afternoon

The baker was making some chocolate chip muffins for her and her one friend, after some time she putted the muffins into the oven and set to bake.

after several minutes,

the one muffin said: Good Grief it's hot in here!

the other muffin said: Good Grief, a talking muffin!?

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Biker rescue

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was ...

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

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Three men go to purgatory

Three men died and were sent to purgatory to be cleansed of their sins. Each were asked by god how they would like to spend their time there. After an eternity, the three men completed their sentences and met one another at the golden gates. Upon being let in, each were curious about what the other ...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Did you hear about the French baker who fell into the bread mixer and no one noticed?

He's in quite a lot of pain.

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

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