UPJOKE
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Why Did The Baker's Wife Divorce Him?

Because she caught him giving away too many creampies!

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

How does a German baker greet his costumers?

Gluten tag

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

The French baker's pastry shop collapsed on him

He was in a lot of pain.

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

l knead you.

In an effort to raise funds a children's amputee charity have joined together with the local vampire hunters and bakers to sell baked goods to raise much needed funds.

They'll be selling stake and kidknee pies.

83% of bakers nowadays are female.

It looks like they’ve finally overthrown the pastryarchy

Heard of the baker who fell in love with unbaked bread?

Asked about their love, he replies “this here is all I knead”

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads...

The topic was a naan-starter.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".

The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

A woman was being perused by two men.

One was a baker and one was a poet,
She had to make up her mind for batter or verse.

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Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

Since it's my cake day, I asked the Baker for 2 cubed loaves of cake.

They gave me 8. (8 year Cake Day).

Why couldn't the baker pay their bills?

They ran out of dough.

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

What is a baker’s favorite type of dog?

Pure Bread Dough-bermann.

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

A man walks into a bakery

and orders 99 loaves of bread. Dumbfounded the baker asks:"Why don't you just buy 100?", to which the man replies: Who could eat that many loaves of bread?

Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street...

...with a basket of lemons.

Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?

To which Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson."

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a Doughnut or a Meringue?"

To which the baker replies "no, you're not wrong, it's a Doughnut."

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

A baker was putting pies in an oven. The first pie says to the other "It's kinda hot in here."

The second pie says "AAHHH A TALKING PIE!"

The Baker

I know a guy who's a baker in the army. He goes into battle all buns glazing.


Sorry sorry. Bad one.

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

. . .
there is no margarine for error.

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

Why are bakers great at baseball?

They make the best batters

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Why did the baker stop making donuts

He got tired of the HOLE business

What do you call a very bad baker who gets distracted by trumpets

A Chet Baker

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

What do you call a group of racist bakers?

The cake cake cake

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why do bakers always go to heaven?

Because the cake is the best way to get karma.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

A baker decided to bake some muffins the afternoon

The baker was making some chocolate chip muffins for her and her one friend, after some time she putted the muffins into the oven and set to bake.

after several minutes,

the one muffin said: Good Grief it's hot in here!

the other muffin said: Good Grief, a talking muffin!?

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

There is a baker names James Weir...

He loves to experiment with new and bold combinations when making his creations.

One day, he mixes a whole new set of ingredients never been mixed before and bakes a very strange looking loaf of bread.

After pulling it out of the oven, the bread pops up and comes to life, begging Jam...

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Home Repairs

A couple woke up one morning and began getting ready for the day. While brushing their teeth the wife noticed the sink was leaking and asked her husband to fix it. He turned to her and said, "Do I look like a fucking plumber?"

A few minutes later his wife noticed the closet light had a short...

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

Spelling

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My d...

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Did you hear about the French baker who fell into the bread mixer and no one noticed?

He's in quite a lot of pain.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

Two Scotsmen walk past a baker

One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

The other replies 'no you're right, it's a cake'

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