Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

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Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

What do you call a group of racist bakers?

The cake cake cake

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

I loved my job as a baker!

It was a piece of cake...

What did the baker say when he got to know his yeast were dying?

Don't go. I knead you

What did the baker say when he found his lost dough?

That’s exactly what I kneaded!

How do German bakers greet people

Gluten tag

Why did the baker bake more bread?

Because he was needing dough.

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

What do a bad baker and most male deer have in common?

They struggle to make a donut

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

Why did the baker stop making donuts

He got tired of the HOLE business

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

there is no margarine for error.

What do you call a very bad baker who gets distracted by trumpets

A Chet Baker

Why do bakers always go to heaven?

Because the cake is the best way to get karma.

What did the italian baker say to the paramedics after the mafia broke his knees with a pan?

PANINI !

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

Why do Bakers need a separate toilet?

For when they knead a poo

What did Jesus say to the crowd of bakers?

Let he who is without sin cast the first scone.

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

Why did the Sourdough Man break up with the Baker?

He didn't feel kneaded anymore.

Why did all the ladies love the local baker?

He was making that bread

What did Raichu say to the baker?

Rye Chew

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

I went to the bakers and asked why are all your cake 50p and this one is £1? He replied...

This is madeira cake

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

Why does a French baker make a great a dominatrix?

She has a lot of experience selling pain.

Did you hear about the French baker whose bakery collapsed on him?

He was in a great deal of pain.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

A Scottish man walks into a bakery.

He asks the baker "is that a cake or a meringue"

The baker replies "Nah, you're right mate"

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

What's a baker's favourite tree?

A pastry.

A baker decided to bake some muffins the afternoon

The baker was making some chocolate chip muffins for her and her one friend, after some time she putted the muffins into the oven and set to bake.

after several minutes,

the one muffin said: Good Grief it's hot in here!

the other muffin said: Good Grief, a talking muffin!?

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

Why Was The Baker So Depressed About Purchasing Containers That Only Fit 12 Donuts?

If you ask him he will give you 13 Reasons Why.

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

The carrot cake

One day a rabbit entered a bakery and ask the baker if he has a carrot cake. The baker said no. The next day he went there again and asked the same question, and again, the answer was no. After a few days, the baker decided to bake the rabbit a carrot cake. The next day the rabbit entered the bakery...

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

What do you call a baker that molests women?

A crepist.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

Did you hear about the French baker who fell into the bread mixer and no one noticed?

He's in quite a lot of pain.

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

I’ve heard a lot of puns in my lifetime, some great, others horrible

But I think the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

Happy cake day to me

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

What do you do if you can't find a cobbler?

You get the baker to fix your choux.

Where do the best bakers in the city live?

The yeast end.

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

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Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

The baker

I said to the baker..
"How come all your cakes are 50p and that one's £1"
He said..." that's Madeira cake"

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

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