What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

What did the baker say to his girlfriend?

Doughs before hoes.

Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?

They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

What's the difference between a Baker and a Podiatrist?

One feels the heat, the other heals the feet.

What do you call an Indian Baker in a warzone?

A Naan Combatant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good bakers use real butter..

So that there is no margarine for error.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

Never date a baker

They’re too kneady.

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

What would happen if 221b Baker Street were to be suddenly demolished?

Sherlock would be Holmeless.

A Glaswegian walked in to a bakery

He points to a cake and asks the baker, "is that a cake or meringue?" The baker replies "no, you're right, it is a cake"

Did you hear about the kinky baker?

He was into roll play.

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

Where do the best bakers in the city live?

The yeast end.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

What do a gastroenterologist and a baker have in common?

They both get to stick their hands in cake.

What did the french baker feel when his bakery collapsed on him?

Pain

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

Jeremy the baker had a lot of robberies in the past ten years

But this one takes the cake

What do bakers make dill bread from?

Dill dough.

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

What did the baker say to the rapper?

"You can't have your cake and yeet it too."

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

I keep trying to kill this one baker

But every time I do, he rises from the bread!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

What did the ambitious baker with a speech impediment say to his young apprentice?

Nothing whisked, nothing gained.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

When he gets there, he is perplexed and confused to see everyone aggressively whipping eggs, and mixing flour and batter.


He looks around and finds an entire section specially reserved for decoration, with elaborate arrangements of strawberries, frosting and tiering that would have done...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Sarim works at a bakery in Lahore, Pakistan.

As a gopher, he is obligated to serve the baker. One day the baker says "Sam, go and get me a bag of flour." Sam goes to get the bag and puts it on his head. Unfortunately the bag breaks and covers him from head to toe. Dejected, he walks back to the kitchen. "Oh my goodness Sam! What happened?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

I didn’t believe it when my friend told me he was a blacksmith

He was white and his name was John Baker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

The light switch [true story]

One day, the milkman came to the farm to bring the milk to the factory.
He left a note to my father saying : " the light switch isn't working "
To what my father replied another note : " the light switch doesn't like it gentle "

The dairy man left the last note : " Neither the bake...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a shit

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

What do you call a baker that quits his job?

A desserter

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

How much does a baker on the Oregon Trail pay for piercings?

A pie an ear.

He has risen

A baker who's never been to church before decides to attend Easter service, during the sacrament the pastor describes how the bread is the body of christ, latter as the Easter story is told the whole congregation stands up and yells "he has risen", the Baker taken by surprise and not really sure wha...

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

Edward the baker, who died in his sleep, passed on his business to his son.

It was said that Ed, dead in his bed, led to Ted being head of the bread.

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

A bunny walks into the bakery.

There he asks the baker if he has any carrot cake.

The bakers says: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

So the bunny leaves, but returns the next day. He once again if the baker has any carrot cake.

Once more the baker answers: ‘no, I don’t sell carrot cake.’

Once the bunny...

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

A man storms into a bakery and says "I want to make a complaint! This muffin is mouldy and tastes like cheese!"

The baker rolls his eyes and says "well, you did ask for a blue brie muffin."

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

I went to the bakery and asked for Emo Cake...

Baker: Emo cake? Whats that?

Me: It's cake that cuts itself...

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

My mother's sister is an angry baker

She's my croissant

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

Last Name Only !

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

What's an Italian baker's favourite book?

*Focaccia in the Rye*.

I see the local baker was enjoying his mild celebrity status in the town paper after saving a drowning man..

He was acting really flan buoyant .

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What do Ginger Baker and 7/11 Coffee have in common?

They both suck without Cream.

Why do rednecks make the best bakers?

Cuz they’re inbred.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many surnames come from the job people's ancestors used to have. For example, the Smith family were related to a smith, the Baker family were related to a baker and then there's the Dickinson family...

Who were related to people from Alabama.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

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