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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said "Ok, I'll produce"

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, i'll write, I'll write."

What do you call a president that doesnt get a joke?

George wooosh

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

​

“Just think,” h...

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

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George Bush meets with the Queen of England during his first diplomatic trip to England.

Impressed by the way her government functions, he asks her during their meal : “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Bush frown...

George Bush bought a rotisserie chicken

As he was walking out of the grocery store, he looked at the chicken. As he held it in his hand, he thought to himself,

“Hey, this chicken isn’t too big. I could easily eat this in one bite.”

So that’s exactly what he did when he got home. He struggled greatly, but he eventually was ...

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Little Johnny and George are talking in the classrom

Johnny:"Listen, I need you to do me a favor, George... Mrs. Sullivan gave me a F in sex ed...!"

George:" Woa, that sucks. What do you want me to do?"

Johnny:" When she walks into the classroom, raise her skirt so I can kick her in the balls!"

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

90 year old George went for his annual physical examination.

All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Darns said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" 

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I ha...

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

By George!

Said Paul, sittin’ on the John. “Where’d my Ringo?”

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

George Lucas announced that he'd like to make several changes to The Phantom Menace.

But I say let's let Qui-gons be Qui-gons.

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

What was George Bush’s favorite sports team?

The New York Jets

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are standing in front of god ...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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George

George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

George: "Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. 

“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don't have any family ...

King George was only 11 inches tall...

...so he was unfit to be a ruler.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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In memory of the late George Carlin

Catholics hate abortions.

Catholics hate homosexuals.

But who has less abortions than homosexuals?

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

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George Pell's age is being taken into consideration for his sentencing.

Unlike George Pell's choice of sexual partner.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

Where did George Washington keep his armies.....?

In his sleevies!

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

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George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

What was George Gershwin's favorite winter sport?

Fissure jumping.

​

(and the cotton is high)

​

Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency?

Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

...

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The proper way to call someone a bastard

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for fiv...

George W. Bush found a magic lamp.

“What do you want from me, mr. Bush?” asks the genie.

“I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.”

And that was the moment when Trump won the election.

George H.W. Bush made Jeb a pallbearer

So he could let him down one last time

Boy George wrote a song for this sub...

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma comedian

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
...

I bought the original ax that George Washington used to chop down the cherry tree.

The antique dealer told me that the handle had been replaced a couple times, and the blade was replaced once, but it's the real deal!

George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie!"; Richard Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth!"; Donald Trump: ...

"I cannot tell the difference!"

What's the best thing that ever happened to George W. Bush's presidency?

Donald Trump's election.

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[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.

George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and g...

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

George W. Bush, Clarence Thomas, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Brett Kavanaugh all competed in a spelling bee...

Surprisingly, George W. Bush won.

​

He was the only contestant to spell "harass" as one word.

George Washington led an army on Christmas to ensure U.S. Independence

and as a History major, I'm proud that I too will work this Christmas.....at walmart selling batteries

So Little Billy's rooster died

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking i...

Why was Boy George not invited to any more orgies?

He comes and goes.

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

“Sir, is everything alright?” stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, “How many is ...

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

George Bush goes to a primary school

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?

Bob

And what is your question, Bob?

I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq with...

When George Eastman brought the first Kodak camera to market, no one could believe it...

They said "pics or it didn't happen".

[OC] What have repost bots and Boy George got in common?

They're karma chameleons.

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

George Foreman really likes the name “George”. In fact, he named all his sons “George Foreman”.

 

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

 

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George arrived at work looking haggard and tired every day.

His buddy, Earl, asked him why, and he said, “I wake up like this! My wife and I start the day with the fight we were having the night before. It’s awful!”
Earl quietly nodded, and said, “I think I have just the thing for you.”
The next morning, Earl brought in a beautiful hand-carved wooden ...

What's the difference between George Orwell and Ayn Rand?

People went to George Orwell's funeral to mourn him. People went to Ayn Rand's funeral to make sure it was her.

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George was having breakfast when Mildred walked in, dropped her robe, and sat naked at the table.

She leaned forward on her elbows towards George, her chin resting playfully on the back of her right hand as her left hand played with his tie.

"You know," purred Mildred, "I still have urges. I still want you, physically. In fact, even after 60 years of marriage, my tits are getting all hot ...

Two country bumpkins, George and Sam, won a trip around the world

Sam had a disability, and couldn't walk or talk well, so the local paper decided it would make an interesting article, and they interview them. George did all the talking.

"So how'd you enjoy France?" The reporter asked.

"It was real nice I tell ya, all the people were real nice and th...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

Boy George would be a wonderful reddit user.

He would get a lot of karma karma karma karma karma chameleon.

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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed....

George Bush wanted to know how to better run his government

so he asked the Queen while he was visiting the UK. He asked "So, your Majesty, how do you run your country so well?". The Queen just smiled and said " Simple, I just surround myself with smart people. Watch." She called Tony Blair over and asked " Tony, who is the child of your father?" Tony, witho...

George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Trump all die and go to heaven.

Upon arriving, God asks them respectively what they believe in.

Bush said he believes in American exceptionalism, the right to bear arms, and the free market.

God said alright, you can take this seat to my right.

Obama said he believes in everyone having Healthcare, equal rights...

George and Barbara Bush were driving through Texas...

...when the First Couple stopped at a restaurant.

Barbara Bush recognized the waiter was an ex-boyfriend from high school. George and Barbara had a friendly conversation with the waiter, and then continued their drive.


In the car, George Bush said to Barbara, "Can you imagine what...

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

As I sat there naked in George Clooney’s hotel room, I thought to myself..

I might have accidentally picked up my wife’s bucket list instead of mine.

Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Why are George R R Martin's tweets always so short?

He killed off most of his characters.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with...

George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money"

John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"

Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"

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A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,

"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!

Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."

The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise ...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

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