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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

David Beckham gets into a cab

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks

"Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says

"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of t...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased The Lord

It was Gsus

What was David Bowes last hit?

Heroin, it was probably heroin.

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Rip David Koch

Just kidding, fuck that whole family

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)

After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up

"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the par...

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David."

"I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

Did you hear about David?

His years of being a Koch are over.

You’ll never believe it but I got invited to Camp David by the President!

Just kidding, he invited the Taliban, not me

“Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”

“But doctor....My name isn’t David........”

“I know. I am David.”

Why did David Carradine practice KungFu instead of JiuJitsu?

He didn't want someone else choking him out.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

Why couldn’t David Wong and Stephanie Wong make a Caucasian baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender saw him and exclaimed “omg! Its you david hasselhoff!”

David Hasselhoff wanting to sound casual replied “hey buddy, you can call me hoff!”

Bartender “ no hassel”

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

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Three children at a catholic school are learning the alphabet

"Hi, kids," says the priest. "Today we're going to learn about the letter S."

The priest holds up a white board with the letter S on it.

"How many sins can you name that begin with S?" asked the priest.

The children thought for a moment, then Johnny spoke up.

"Slavery!" ...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

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David Blaine is being investigated for sexual harassment.

Let's see if he can get out of that.

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

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Pay your bills

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick (an employee in the palace) obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, ...

An Apple a day keeps the Doctor away,

But if he's David Tennant, A pear will kill him.

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

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So Doctor, you're saying I can masturbate whenever I want to?

No David, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

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I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

Why is it okay to make fun of David Copperfield?

Because Copper is refined by Roasting.

My face reminds of me of David Copperfield

Because it makes beautiful women disappear

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

A girl went to an astrologer...

Girl: I have two boyfriends, John and David. Please tell me who will I get married to...Who's going to be the lucky one?
A: You'll get married to John and David will be the lucky one.

David Hasslehoff walks into a Glasgow pub

And barman says "what will it he Mr Hasslehoff"

David says, please it's just "Hoff"

And the barman replies "sure nae Hassle, Hoff"

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One day a nun was standing at the side of the road waiting for a cab.

A can stopped and picked up the nun. During the drive, the nun noticed that the driver kept staring at her.

She asked him why and the driver said "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replied, "Child, you can't offend me. I've been a nun for 25 year...

Death wish

After fighting cancer for nearly 20 years , ken finally finds out that he is going to die soon. He calls his wife anna.

Ken: honey, you know that i always loved you since high school. I found that im gonna die soon and I’m afraid that you won’t love anyone else after me. So I want you to dat...

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

David takes his son to a doctor

David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.

I Can See Clearly Now!

There once was a kid named David and he was dating this gal in his history class named Lorraine. The two dated for a couple months, but as time went on he slowly lost his feelings for Lorraine. David begrudgingly continued the relationship with Lorraine, but he started seeing this girl named Clearly...

Rat Dreams

David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed toni...

What’s Michelangelo’s “David’s” favorite nut?

M’Accademian

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home fro...

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What do you call a magician that sexually harasses people?

David Cop-a-feel

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

Mummy can I wear a bra now that I’m sixteen?

No, David.

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“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

Don't make jokes about David De Gea

He won't catch them.

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

We should treat David like his last name

And Leavitt alone.

Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough...

Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough are walking through the gardens at Buckingham Palace, when they come across a sundial in the shade of a tree.

The Queen: Maybe we could move it...
Attenborough: Depends whether you want to know the time or not.
The Queen: Best leave it be t...

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

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Wealthy woman wants a divorce. NSFW

A wealthy woman tells her mother, “I’m divorcing David! I can’t take it anymore. All he wants is anal sex, and now my asshole is the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel!”

The mother says, “You’re married to a multimillionaire, you have an 8 bedroom mansion, you dr...

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator...

What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?

Michelangelo’s David

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A Jewish man walks into a bathroom.

He unzips his pants and proceeds to pee into a urinal. The man peeing next to him taps him on the shoulder and says “hey David! did you have Doctor Goldstein as your Mohel?” The man turns his head and replies “yes! How did you know?” The other man just looks down at the ground and says “he’s cross e...

"Why do you keep calling David, Dave?"

"Well, it all started when he had his id stolen..."

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.

Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.

David: Oh? What are they going to do?

Ali: Circumcise me!

David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.

Ali: Did it hurt?

David: I co...

Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.

To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy storie...

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A teenage boy is caught shoplifting

The shop owner knows the boy's family so he just chews him out and calls his Dad who takes him home and grounds him. The boy's grandfather sees him crying and asks what's wrong. Through sobs the boy tells his grandfather what happened.

The grandfather says "You need to grow some balls son. S...

Knock-knock

“Who’s there?”

“David”

“David who?”

Davis then began to cry as his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s has gotten so bad that she no longer remembered her grandson’s voice.

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

Bra Shopping: A religious experience.

David goes into Macy’s, to the lingerie department, and he says to the salesgirl, “My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B, and she said that you’d know what I meant."

The saleslady says, “Boy, it’s been a long time since anybody’s asked me for a Jewish bra. They usually ask me for ...

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

What did David Harbour's kids say when he asked who won the race?

It was a tie, dad.

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An old one but a good one

Little Johnny sat silently at the back of the class, along with his fellow students. His teacher began discussing vocabulary. She asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary raised her hand and said, 'I went to the beach yesterday, and the sea was fascinating'.

The ...

What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

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Who am I?

This past Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wi...

A young boy asks his grandfather

A young boy asks his grandfather:

"What's the most common English expression?"

The Grandfather, full of wisdom, says, "I love baseball and apple pie."

Puzzled, the boy shrugs it off and continues.

"So, what's the most common German expression?"

Without skipping a ...

The Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing...

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