David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David Blaine is being investigated for sexual harassment.

Let's see if he can get out of that.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone Knows David!

David was banging his boss one day, he said, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, David, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

Why is it okay to make fun of David Copperfield?

Because Copper is refined by Roasting.

My face reminds of me of David Copperfield

Because it makes beautiful women disappear

"Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord"

Huh? Must have been G-sus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, David Hasseloff is changing his name to David Off.

He just can’t be arsed with the Hassel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?

No, David.

What was David Beckham told after he was granted an honourific title by the Queen?

Man, you knighted!

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

David takes his son to a doctor

David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.

David Hasslehoff walks into a Glasgow pub

And barman says "what will it he Mr Hasslehoff"

David says, please it's just "Hoff"

And the barman replies "sure nae Hassle, Hoff"

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home fro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

I've seen a lot of jokes about Daves and Davids lately, it just so happens my friend David lost his ID

We just call him Dav now

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It co...

Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough...

Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough are walking through the gardens at Buckingham Palace, when they come across a sundial in the shade of a tree.

The Queen: Maybe we could move it...
Attenborough: Depends whether you want to know the time or not.
The Queen: Best leave it be t...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Leonard and David

Leonard and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Leonard suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"
"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?"
T...

We should treat David like his last name

And Leavitt alone.

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The morticia...

Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.

To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy storie...

What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

Admin : Adds Erica to the group.

David: Hi Erica welcome to the group.

Erica: Hi guys, I am new to the city.

Sam: Hi Erica don’t worry, I am here, any problems I will be the solution.

Kevin: Hi Erica. Tell me if you have any problem, I will arrange a solution for you.

Kyle: Hi Erica, if you need anyt...

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the thro...

What did David Harbour's kids say when he asked who won the race?

It was a tie, dad.

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.

He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of y...

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

David received a parrot for his birthday

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a dick joke.

In 1990s arsenal football team had a player named david dick. When he was injured the newspaper wrote arsenal to play without dicks. The coach was upset so the newspaper changed the headline to read arsenal to play with dicks out... A number of women attended the match....

David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)

He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.

So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an...

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to Johnny Depp's interview with David Letterman, he doesnt watch his own movies

lucky bastard...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults.

Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.

So a few years ago David Hasselhoff said to his agent "I just want to be known as The Hoff"

His agent replied "no Hassel"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".

He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the magician who was accused of sexual harassment?

His stage name was David Coppafeel

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's hit more balls that David Beckham's right foot?

Elton John's chin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car. He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field. So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit. Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun. The Jew grabs the gun and points it a...

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".