UPJOKE
solomonkingjessesauldanieljesusabigailslingold testamentjonathandaviskevinalexmichaelrobert

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick?

It was just a stage he was going through.

My friend David had his id stolen

now he is just Dav

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

What do Wilt Chamberlain and David Duke have in common?

They were both wizards under the sheets

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

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Have you heard of the magician who sexually harassed his showgirls?

His name was David Cop a Feel

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Emma liked David. But she wouldn't date him.

Emma liked David. He was a great guy. He was handsome, considerate, and had a good career ahead of him. But she wouldn't date him after she saw his premature ejaculation.

That was his shortcumming.

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?

G sus.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”

When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.

But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!



(Edit: at least the headline is a true story...)

Why was David Bowie good at test taking?

Because he could write Under Pressure!

David Hilbert walks into a bar

...he had some time to kill because the hotel was full.

What's the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley-David motorcycle?

The position of the dirtbag.

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name?

David Lanndlord

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

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My favorite movie is Eraserhead by David Lynch.

I'm still waiting for the sequel, Pencilbutt.





(Yeah, probably the worst joke I've ever come up with in my life. .\_.)

Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me and he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”

He put out his hand and I said “David are you nervous?”

He said “no”.

So, I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said “then why are you shaking?”

Edit 1 - Geez; it's the handshake, guys. Come on!

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

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Jane and Bob decided to teach David

Jane and Bob had a 10-month-old baby named David. They loved David very much and were always with David. Then one day, Jane and Bob decided to teach David the words "Mom" and "Dad."

Jane : Could you say M-O-M

David : m.. mu..mum.. mom!

Bob : Great job, then D-A-D

David : ...

Young David asked his wealthy grandfather, Sol, how he had made his money.

Sol said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested the ten ce...

Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed?

Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

What's the Hamburglar's favorite David Bowie song?

Rebel Rebel

In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.

Goliath Lanndlord.

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

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David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.

David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wi...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

A motorbike got separated from its parents in a supermarket…

An announcement was made to help identify the bike.
“Has anyone lost their motorbike? He claims he is Harley & Davids son”

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

Went into the barbers, I said “I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams”.

He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!

“David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??”

Barber says; “He does if he comes in here!!!”

Its a boy! its a boy! my friend David ran into my room,tears in his eyes

That was the last time he visited Thailand

David killed a man by accident...

Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said “sorry, its not banana season yet “. “ I’ll wait” said David.

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David Hughes' joke

I have this app idea, it's a pregnancy test. You piss on the phone, and if the phone is covered in piss you're not allowed to have kids.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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David Blaine is really good at hiding his boner

He’s a master of missed erection.

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

“Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”

“But doctor....My name isn’t David........”

“I know. I am David.”

Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping...

David Beckham warned me that this might happen.

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (21 y.o.) panics and runs into bathroom

\- Alfred (24) needs new tires

\-Lara (27) now has no pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his mask to his face

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.

He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of y...

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

Here lies David Carradine

He came as he went

David Tennant only has one fear.

David Tennanteater

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender saw him and exclaimed “omg! Its you david hasselhoff!”

David Hasselhoff wanting to sound casual replied “hey buddy, you can call me hoff!”

Bartender “ no hassel”

What was David Bowies last hit?

Probably cocaine.

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David Blaine is being investigated for sexual harassment.

Let's see if he can get out of that.

Why did David Bowie's VCR always flash "12:00"?

Because although time may change him, he can't change time.

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

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