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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

I asked my friend how long it would take to perfect my David Carradine impersonation

They said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."

What's the Hamburglar's favorite David Bowie song?

Rebel Rebel

What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?

G sus.

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

My friend David got his id stolen

Now we just call him Dav.

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.

Goliath Lanndlord.

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name?

David Lanndlord

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.

The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believ...

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

Where do Jewish space lasers come from?

From the Death Star of David

Went into the barbers, I said “I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams”.

He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!

“David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??”

Barber says; “He does if he comes in here!!!”

David killed a man by accident...

Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said “sorry, its not banana season yet “. “ I’ll wait” said David.

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My favorite movie is Eraserhead by David Lynch.

I'm still waiting for the sequel, Pencilbutt.





(Yeah, probably the worst joke I've ever come up with in my life. .\_.)

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

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David Hughes' joke

I have this app idea, it's a pregnancy test. You piss on the phone, and if the phone is covered in piss you're not allowed to have kids.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble”, he replied.

“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

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David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.

David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wi...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

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David Blaine is really good at hiding his boner

He’s a master of missed erection.

Two beggars are asking for coins in the street of a small Italian town...

One of them has a big cross necklace and the other one has a big Star of David necklace.

The man with the Star of David necklace has an empty cup while the one with the cross has a cup that’s overflowing with change.

Some nice passerby by stops next to the Jewish man and whispers “sir,...

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.

Because Lisa Kudrow and David was a good Schwimmer

David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.

Its a boy! its a boy! my friend David ran into my room,tears in his eyes

That was the last time he visited Thailand

David Tennant only has one fear.

David Tennanteater

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

Here lies David Carradine

He came as he went

What was David Bowies last hit?

Probably cocaine.

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

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My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son’s biology teacher

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed on stage?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Why did David Bowie's VCR always flash "12:00"?

Because although time may change him, he can't change time.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender saw him and exclaimed “omg! Its you david hasselhoff!”

David Hasselhoff wanting to sound casual replied “hey buddy, you can call me hoff!”

Bartender “ no hassel”

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor who?

(In david tennents accent) Actually just "the doctor" is fine.

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Two elderly ladies were sitting around complaining about things.

Mertle: "I can't stand when people shorten names that don't make sense. I mean, I get Bob from Robert and Dave from David, but how do you get Dick from Richard?"

Edna: "If you ask him nicely."

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

Why did David Carradine practice KungFu instead of JiuJitsu?

He didn't want someone else choking him out.

Being punctual

Alex, David and Steve want to visit a zoo the next day, so they decided to meet at David home first, who is quite forgetful.

Alex arrives first at Davids home and together they wait for Steve. They decided to call Steve: "Hey, where are you?", Steve replies that he soons get up from bed and ...

David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)

After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up

"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the par...

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

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David Blaine is being investigated for sexual harassment.

Let's see if he can get out of that.

Who was the greatest babysitter in the bible?

David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!

Why couldn’t David Wong and Stephanie Wong make a Caucasian baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David."

"I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.

He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of y...

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

7 years old and he still doesn't know my name is David

What does a dog and a whale have in common?

They both start with the letter d if the whales name is david

My friend has an issue with the perfect inflection of the Star of David.

He's anti-symmetric.

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

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