David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

David: *plays secret chord*

The Lord: Nice

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

My mate David lost his ID.

Now he’s just Dav.

Why is it okay to make fun of David Copperfield?

Because Copper is refined by Roasting.

My face reminds of me of David Copperfield

Because it makes beautiful women disappear

Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to ...

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Everyone Knows David!

David was banging his boss one day, he said, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, David, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."...

"Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord"

Huh? Must have been G-sus

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got banned from the museum for life after smacking the ass of Michalangelo’s David

I think that’s when I really hit rock bottom

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

What was David Beckham told after he was granted an honourific title by the Queen?

Man, you knighted!

[Amsterdam] My friend David lost his id when we went out this weekend

Now he's just Dav

Michelangelo's Statue of David is one of the most important artworks ever created with marble

But I've always taken it for granite.

Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?

No, David.

David takes his son to a doctor

David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.

David Beckham decides to go horse riding

Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in...

David Hasslehoff walks into a Glasgow pub

And barman says "what will it he Mr Hasslehoff"

David says, please it's just "Hoff"

And the barman replies "sure nae Hassle, Hoff"

What’s Michelangelo’s “David’s” favorite nut?

M’Accademian

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

Posh & Becks were in a cab in NY

Posh & Becks caught a cab outside JFK airport after a long flight from London and the cabbie was delighted when he realised who it was.
"You're David Beckham!" he exclaimed "Nice to meet you!"
"Thanks" said David "nice to meet you too".
During the ride the converstation turned to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

We should treat David like his last name

And Leavitt alone.

Little David came home from school one day

...and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home fro...

Leonard and David

Leonard and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Leonard suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool a...

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It co...

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.

Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files?

space.odt

Derek, David, and Danny went out for a wild night on the town.

When they got back to the hotel, they found out that the elevator was out of service and that they were going to have to walk up 150 flights of stairs to reach their penthouse suite.

To pass the time, they decided Derek would tell jokes for the first 50 flights, David would tell happy storie...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The morticia...

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.

He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"
"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?"
T...

What did David Harbour's kids say when he asked who won the race?

It was a tie, dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know for a fact that David Copperfield didn’t sexually assault that woman.

If he had, afterwards he would have made her disappear.

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

David received a parrot for his birthday

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a dick joke.

In 1990s arsenal football team had a player named david dick. When he was injured the newspaper wrote arsenal to play without dicks. The coach was upset so the newspaper changed the headline to read arsenal to play with dicks out... A number of women attended the match....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to Johnny Depp's interview with David Letterman, he doesnt watch his own movies

lucky bastard...

David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)

He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.

So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an...

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two sexual assaults.

Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

So a few years ago David Hasselhoff said to his agent "I just want to be known as The Hoff"

His agent replied "no Hassel"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".

He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every...

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was ...

How is David Beckham like Ferrero Rocher?

They both come in a posh box.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's hit more balls that David Beckham's right foot?

Elton John's chin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

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Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car. He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field. So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit. Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun. The Jew grabs the gun and points it a...

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

Irving Lipchitz always hated his name. As soon as he turned 18, he petitioned to have it legally changed.

The judge was very understanding and asked Irving if he had any outstanding debts, and confirmed he had no criminal history. His character confirmed, the judge granted his wish: “and what would you like your new name to be son?”

“DAVID Lipchitz.”

Teacher: I wish you’d pay a little attention, David.

David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

David Copperfield is doing his magic show...

...and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.

"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."

"Ok," says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her ...