UPJOKE
solomonkingjessesauldanieljesushebronabigailslingold testament2 samueljonathandaviskevinalex

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

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My Cake Day - My Favorite Joke - Everybody Knows David!

Everybody knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, ...

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

My friend David lost his id last night.

Now he’s just Dav.

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.

That way he could introduce himself, I’m Harley, David’s son.

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Emma liked David. But she wouldn't date him.

Emma liked David. He was a great guy. He was handsome, considerate, and had a good career ahead of him. But she wouldn't date him after she saw his premature ejaculation.

That was his shortcumming.

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”

When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”

Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me and he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”

He put out his hand and I said “David are you nervous?”

He said “no”.

So, I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said “then why are you shaking?”

Edit 1 - Geez; it's the handshake, guys. Come on!

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.

But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!



(Edit: at least the headline is a true story...)

What's the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley-David motorcycle?

The position of the dirtbag.

Why was David Bowie good at test taking?

Because he could write Under Pressure!

David Hilbert walks into a bar

...he had some time to kill because the hotel was full.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?

G sus.

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name?

David Lanndlord

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

David Benioff and Dan Weiss wrote this joke for the loyal viewers of the Game of Thrones series

Season 8

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Jane and Bob decided to teach David

Jane and Bob had a 10-month-old baby named David. They loved David very much and were always with David. Then one day, Jane and Bob decided to teach David the words "Mom" and "Dad."

Jane : Could you say M-O-M

David : m.. mu..mum.. mom!

Bob : Great job, then D-A-D

David : ...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

Young David asked his wealthy grandfather, Sol, how he had made his money.

Sol said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested the ten ce...

Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed?

Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”

The coach said “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

What's the Hamburglar's favorite David Bowie song?

Rebel Rebel

In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.

Goliath Lanndlord.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd.

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My favorite movie is Eraserhead by David Lynch.

I'm still waiting for the sequel, Pencilbutt.





(Yeah, probably the worst joke I've ever come up with in my life. .\_.)

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David Hughes' joke

I have this app idea, it's a pregnancy test. You piss on the phone, and if the phone is covered in piss you're not allowed to have kids.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping...

David Beckham warned me that this might happen.

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

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David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.

David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wi...

Went into the barbers, I said “I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams”.

He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!

“David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??”

Barber says; “He does if he comes in here!!!”

David killed a man by accident...

Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said “sorry, its not banana season yet “. “ I’ll wait” said David.

Its a boy! its a boy! my friend David ran into my room,tears in his eyes

That was the last time he visited Thailand

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (21 y.o.) panics and runs into bathroom

\- Alfred (24) needs new tires

\-Lara (27) now has no pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his mask to his face

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

Anthony Joshua 21 KOs, David Haye 26 KOs, Floyd Mayweather 27 KOs...

Bill Cosby 30 KOs.

David Lynch's car leaked coolant. He pulled over to check it.

There was a lady in the radiator.

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David Blaine is really good at hiding his boner

He’s a master of missed erection.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.

The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believ...

My friend David drowned.

At his funeral, we got him a wreath shaped as a life buoy. It was what he would've wanted.

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

David Tennant only has one fear.

David Tennanteater

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

The new priest

A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.

The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:

Good sermon today, but a few small points:
<...

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

Here lies David Carradine

He came as he went

Thanksgiving in Indiana.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.

But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.

Only kidding. It was the cat!...

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''Did you hear about the magician who was sued for sexual harassment? ''

''No. What was his name?''

''David Cop-a-feel.''

David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

What was David Bowies last hit?

Probably cocaine.

Why did David Bowie's VCR always flash "12:00"?

Because although time may change him, he can't change time.

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

David Copperfield and Criss Angel walk into a bakery...

Using his masterful sleight of hand technique, Criss Angel immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket, without anyone noticing, except David Copperfield.

He says to the David, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." David Copperfield replies, "That's typical of y...

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender saw him and exclaimed “omg! Its you david hasselhoff!”

David Hasselhoff wanting to sound casual replied “hey buddy, you can call me hoff!”

Bartender “ no hassel”

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?

So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your ori...

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David Blaine is being investigated for sexual harassment.

Let's see if he can get out of that.

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

My name is Harley and my father's name is David.

When I meet people that know my father, I'll say "Hi, I'm Harley. David's son."

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

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I've always liked this old David Lettermen quip; during the time of the 1994–95 baseball strike. "I know we all feel bad for those ball players though"

"They'll have to stay home and have sex with their own wives for a change."

Why did David Carradine practice KungFu instead of JiuJitsu?

He didn't want someone else choking him out.

Why couldn’t David Wong and Stephanie Wong make a Caucasian baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white

David Cameron, Barack Obama Robert Mugabe are all in crashing plane with one parachute. The crew have already jumped in blind panic.

(my friend told me this back in 2016, hence the political outdatedness)

After the initial panic, they pull themselves together and decide what to do. Finally, Cameron speaks up

"Right" he says. "We're all from democratic nations, so I suggest we hold a vote as to who should get the par...

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

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